Rainbow Dash is missing, having been late for a Wonderbolt training session and Spitfire is pissed off. Meanwhile Daring Do is feeling impatient waiting for a letter from Rainbow Dash and is hot on the trail to investigate.
Chapters (10)
Aswad Zeev
Joined 21st May, 2018 ·
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I like the premise, but the sentences don't flow together and it lacks punctuation.
Another pointless villainization of Lightning Dust while trying to make incompetent Spitfire look better.
Dashie and Dusty were equally good fliers.
A GOOD captain would give Lightning the guidance and training she needed instead of publicly humiliating her and kicking her out as soon as something went wrong.
Too bad that Spitfire is not a good captain.
Lightning is neither evil nor dumb and would never ally with Chrysalis.
Blatant hypocrisy.
Spitfire encouraged her all the time instead of correcting her behaviour early.
A well deserved downvote.
8941716
Thanks for the feedback. I previously had a couple of friends proof read it and none of them picked up on that. I will have another read through and see. (its been a few months so it will be kind of freash). This kind of feedback is incredibly useful for my next fic that i'm currently working on. That one is an entirely different kind of story telling.
8942342
I hope your writing improves. I do like your story where there aren't errors. To give you a few examples -
Comma after "see."
Needs commas around "now close friends."
Comma after "Delivery."
Comma after "Still."
Wonderbolts is plural here, not possessive. No apostrophe.
Question ending in period.
Needs a period at end of sentence.
8942315
Duly noted miss-representation of Lightning Dust. She was added into the story more to make it work than because i needed a stupid villian. When i next write her into one of my fics i will endeavor to improve on her character.
8942385
I've gone back over chapter 1 and made some corrections. I will start on chapter 2 shortly. I am not sure that i have everything right, but certainly i can see some of my punctuation mistakes. Punctuation has always been one of my greatest weaknesses when writting. So thank you again for highlighting it, so that i can correct it.
8942315
I do however have to make a few pointers to your complaint.
It is established in the show, that Rainbow Dash and Lightning Dust were the best of the flies at the camp. Not that they were equally good. Certainly Spitfire noticed that Lighting Dust pushed herself harder than Rainbow Dash. It was that drive that made Spitfire choose to make Lightning Dust the Lead Pony.
Secondly, It is not established what happened between Lighting and Spitfire after Spitfire removed Lighting Dust's Lead Pony Status. Lighting Dust might have done somthing reckless off screen, for example cause or attempt to cause some major damage as a follow up to her previous reckless actions.
Spitfire was not previously aware of how reckless Lightning Dust was being, until Rainbow Dash confronted her. That does not make Spitfire a bad captain, but having it suddenly brought to her attention meant she had to act quickly, and that meant publicly. It does however make Spitfire a Captain who was too busy with other things to properly see Lightning Dust's actions.
Thirdly, In my story Lighting Dust does not ally herself with Chrysalis. In fact she is compleatly ignorant of Chrysalis's involvement. Only Ahuizotl and the changeling's involvement.
I am not defending that i portrayed Lightning Dust in a poor light, but that to say Lighting Dust is the victim is to ignore all the evidence and some conjecture regarding off screen activity. My fic did not spesify what exactly happened, only that whatever did happen concluded off screen regarding Pinkie Pie giving the care package to Spitfire. The end of the episode shows Rainbow Dask doing the laps of the course, but not the fate of the care package or of Lightning Dust. Everything else is just conjecture, which can take one of several different routes both good and bad.
As i said previously, in my next use of her, i will make it a better character portrail.
8942423
Lightning would love to reconcile with Rainbow and reenter the academy (and I would love to see that in an episode).
Wind Rider would be a much better choice for a villain.
8942990
I think it is pretty safe to call them equally good (and much better than any other cadet).
On the Dizzitron Dusty even surpassed Dashie.
She was publicly shamed and disgraced and led away to never be seen again. That means an expulsion.
She also never tried to cause damage or harm anypony.
The tornado was an unfortunate accident that was certainly not only her fault, she just overestimated herself.
By the way, TECHNICALLY Lightning did actually nothing wrong; she broke no rules and never disobeyed an order.
Spitfire was present all the time and did nothing but praise her (except during the tornado incident when she was busy signing her autographs).
If she corrected Dusty earlier the incident would never have happened.
Spitfire could have talked to Dusty, give her additional training, order her to do manual chores as a punishment and made her Dashies wingpony so that could learn from her and have a positive influence.
That would have been the right thing to do.
Instead she kicked her out without even a warning or a chance to redeem and prove herself.
To add insult to injury, she humiliated her in front of the whole academy instead of doing it in her office.
Spitfire is certainly not a good captain and I did not even mention how she treated Soarin in Rainbow Falls.
I think she is intelligent enough to know who the queen of the changelings is.
Dusty may not be flawless but she is not the monster many fanfictions make her and regretted what happened.
She was made the scapegoat for everything that went wrong and deserved better than being publicly humiliated and heartbroken.
Rainbow is one of my favorite characters but she did everything what Dusty did, too (without speaking up or being ordered).
She did even worse by blowing up a factory, intentionally messing up an public air show where civilists were present and even almost drowning one of her students and still was forgiven.
I hope so.
What I would love to read is a story where Dashie reconciles with Dusty and helps her back into the academy.
Dusty deserves friendship and a happy ending.
Not bad