Twilight Sparkle did not want to wake up. Even as her mind and body betrayed her and she drifted inexorably towards consciousness, she desperately clung to the last remaining vestiges of comfortable darkness and slumber that lingered at the edges of her mind. Uttering a half-hearted and half-awake moan of protest, she rolled over and pulled her blanket more tightly around her, the soft satin of the material hugging her body. Smiling in contentedness, she snuggled even further into the comfort of the bed. Why should she get up anyways? There was nothing that needed doing today. Her friendship reports had been compiled, her library re-shelved, her thesis on the application of camaraderie in academia was already sent off and awaiting approval, and the myriad of other day-to-day things that needed her attention could wait a little longer. She deserved to sleep in for once, to enjoy the soft silken sheets, the thick downy pillow, the smooth satin cover, the plush mattress, the— this wasn’t her bed.
The thought hit her like a bolt of lightning. In an instant and before she had even realized she was moving she stood beside the bedframe, on edge as the blankets lazily drifted down from the spot near the ceiling where she had thrown them in her haste. Blinking rapidly, a perplexed frown tugged at the corners of her mouth. Confusion at both the speed and ferocity of her reaction – or rather over-reaction – colored her features and thoughts as she took in her surroundings.
The room was large and spacious, as well as tastefully furnished if the many discussions about aesthetics Twilight had with Rarity were anything to go by. It was large and mostly open, with a large writing desk, an empty wardrobe, and a large canopy bed as the only furnishings other than several paintings of night-time landscapes of Canterlot and the surrounding country-side. The whole room seemed themed around a royal purple and midnight blue motif, decorated here and there with black or silver highlights. The thick drapes covering the room’s only window were a deep violet color, strikingly reminiscent of the color of her own mane, and cast the room into darkness, allowing only the most ambient of light through. The curtains and sheets on the bed were a similar color, although the blankets and pillows were a rather complimentary midnight blue. The center floor of the room was dominated by a massive rug, decorated with beautiful depictions of the night sky and intricate designs of silver filigree that caught her eye and flowed in a delicate and complex pattern that if she tried to follow the design she soon lost track of where one design started and another ended. Two thick cherry wood doors with inlaid silver trim, one placed one the wall opposite the window and the other beside the writing desk, completed the look of the room.
The whole setting was strangely familiar. She didn’t quite know where she was, but she felt a nagging sense of familiarity, the sort of feeling one got from a well visited park or store, instead of visiting someplace new for the first time. Her frown deepening, she trotted to the window and cast the drapes to the side, allowing the soft (and for some reason still quite warm) beams of the evening sun’s light into the room. Immediately, she mentally face-hoofed for not recognizing her location sooner. Below the window was the entire city of Canterlot, spread out before her. The entire city seemed to be visible from where she stood, and if she squinted she swore she could make out the various individual denizens of Equestria’s capital trotting to and fro, some locking down their businesses for the night and heading home and some in the more seedy parts of town just now leaving to begin a night of revelry in the various clubs that dotted the downtown districts. The whole sight was tinted a deep red and pale orange tint in the light of the setting sun and for a moment Twilight felt a wave of nostalgia for the city that been her home all her life until just a few years ago.
“Thou wouldst be remiss to continue standing there, young Twilight,” spoke smooth voice with a deep archaic accent from behind her.
Twilight nearly leapt out of her skin, immediately turning around to face whoever had startled her and dropping to a crouch. Much to her surprise however, the Princess of the Night stood in the far doorway, a small, tight smile on her lips morphing to an amused one as she watched her reaction. “P-princess?” Twilight stammered, swiftly dipping into a bow from her crouched position. “I-I’m sorry I didn’t—“she began to apologize, but was cut off by Luna raising a hoof.
“Do not fret over it Twilight Sparkle,” she said dismissively, still with a soft smile. “But as We said, thou should not said near yon window.”
“Huh? Why not?” Twilight inquired with a tilt of her head.
At this Luna’s smile became a little more forced. She was silent for a moment, but with a piteous and conflicted look in her eyes. After a moment she gave her head a quick shake and said, “Look at thy hoof in the sunlight, Twilight Sparkle.”
A skeptical look colored her features as Twilight tentatively lifted her hoof. For some reason the fur and skin was darker than it should have been. Turning it over she saw much of the same. Placing the limb back on the floor she turned back to the Night Princess. “Um, Princess? What about my hoof?” she asked. And when did I get a tan?
The princess grew silent. Her smile disappeared and her expression became contemplative. Her eyebrows furrowed in thought and after several seconds she changed the subject. “Tell us, Twilight Sparkle, how dost thou feel?”
A bit taken aback by the jump in conversation and sudden concern, Twilight blinked several times before answering. “Well now that you mention it, I’m kind of thirsty,” she replied, licking her lips and noticing a very odd sort of faint hungry dryness at the back of her throat now that she thought about it.
Luna’s expression fell. “We see. And thou art completely fine otherwise? There is nothing We can do to make thy stay here any more comfortable?”
“Well, it’s a bit hot in here, but yes. I’m fine,” she answered. “Um, Princess?” she ventured a bit hesitantly, “what’s going on anyway? Where are we? How did I get here? And why am I even here anyways? What exactly happened last night?”
Luna made no attempt to mask her surprise at the last question. “What!? Thou dost not remember the occurrences of last night?”
Luna’s sudden outburst startled Twilight, causing her to back pedal rapidly and press against the window sill. “I-I… n-no I… I’m sorry!”
Realizing her mistake, Luna tried to reassure Twilight, “No no, Twilight, it is alright. We are just… surprised, to say the least.” She sighed deeply, rubbing her hoof against her forehead. “This just… complicates things, Twilight Sparkle. Thou truly dost not remember anything of what occurred the night previous?” she explained, a slight tone of desperation in the question.
Twilight shrank back, folding her ears against her skull and looked down at the floor, furrowing her brow in deep concentration and scoffing a hoof on the carpet as she answered sheepishly. “I’m really sorry Princess. I remember going downstairs to read over some books for that project you gave me because I was on the verge of a big break-through, but everything after that is a bit fuzzy. I think there was something about a letter, and running around outside and I remember looking at the moon but that’s about it. Why does it matter? What happened anyways?” she responded, raising her gaze from near her hooves to meet the princess’s as she spoke.
Upon hearing Twilight’s words, Luna’s expression grew pained. She turned her head away, not willing to meet the unicorn’s eyes. “We… see,” she said after a while, her voice tense. Evidence of some sort of internal debate or conflict was etched clearly on her face. After several moments longer of silence, she seemed to have come to a conclusion. Turning to face Twilight, she spoke, “We see. If that is truly the case then there is much We must discuss with thee.” She turned to leave the room, Twilight starting to following, but stopped part way out through the doorway and raised a wing. “Wait, Twilight. Before we go… look at thy hoof in the light once more.” Had Luna been facing her, Twilight would have been able to see the expression of deep guilt and pity on her face.
Tilting her head quizzically, she shrugged her shoulders and decided to just play along. She held up her hoof to the light of the window again, turning to look at it closely, but after only a single glimpse she froze in place. In just the short time she had spent talking with the Princess, her flesh and fur had darkened even further. Starting at her fetlocks, the skin and coat of her leg was becoming a dark, almost scorched-looking black and ashen gray respectively. Now that she was consciously thinking about it, she realized she no longer had any feeling near the hoof on that limb. Her eyes wide and breathing becoming faster, she tentatively reached out with her other leg and delicately touched it. On contact the skin and fur around her hoof cracked and crumbled to ash, drifting to the carpeted floor and a lance of accompanying burning pain shot up her leg.
Twilight’s scream was loud enough to shake the glass of the window in its pane.
*~-/^\-~*
Celestia levitated the delicate porcelain cup into the air, closing her eyes and deeply inhaling the rich aroma of the masterfully prepared tea it held. A ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips and for just a moment, she allowed the small piece of life’s pleasures in front of her to invade all of her senses, and drive away the constant worry of recent events from her mind, even if only for just a moment. With a soft and appreciative sigh, she decided to forgo formality in light of her present company and swallowed the entire contents of the small cup in a single gulp. As the expertly crafted blend of flavors hit her tongue, her smile grew even wider.
Opening her eyes, she met the gaze of the earth pony across the table form her, and the only occupant of her private study besides herself. His smile was small, but no less genuine because of it. “I take it you like it than, your majesty?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
Celestia gave a slight, mirthful chuckle, sounding like ringing of crystal bells, and responded, “Of course. Your brew is exquisite as always.”
At this his small smile grew into a full-fledged grin. “You’re too kind, but I’m glad you like it. You seemed like you use it anyways. I like to think I know you well enough to be able to tell when something is bothering you.”
Celestia’s smile fell slightly, and for a moment she was silent. But then, with a soft sigh she said, “Ever observant as always. But I guess I should know better than to try to hide something from you of all ponies, shouldn’t I?” She smiled again, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
His smile fell as well. “It’s not that I’m observant. I just don’t like to see anypony hurting. Especially my friends,” he said, offering soft gaze with brilliant sapphire-colored eyes and an encouraging smile.
At his words, the white mare’s unintentionally dark expression softened. “Thank you, Morning Star,” she said, laying a hoof on his shoulder and giving a light, fillyish giggle. “You can always say just the right thing to cheer me up.”
“You’re welcome Princess, I do my best,” he said, patting her hoof with his own before she pulled it away. “Now why don’t we get to the matter at hoof? As much as we both enjoy it, I’m sure you didn’t invite little old me here just to drink tea.”
Celestia gave a small chuckle, shaking her head. “As forward as ever I see,” she said, a look of benevolence on her face. Her expression fell as she continued however, “But you are right, as usual. Last night, despite the best efforts of both my sister and myself, something terrible occurred. I will spare you the horrid details, but suffice it to say dark shadows now roam Equestria freely, and strange and unexplained happenings have begun across the kingdom because of it.”
“So the rumors I’ve heard of foals disappearing around Ponyville and the like are true then?”
For a moment she stared evenly at him, before remarking dryly, “I don’t know whether to be impressed that you’ve heard that, or concerned that there are already rumors. I always forget just how well connected you are.” After a moment longer she nodded, her expression dark. “But yes, I’m afraid they are. What’s worse, I’m certain that this is only the beginning.” She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply and trying to exhale her some of her stress and tension. She was only marginally successful. She looked him in the eyes and continued, “But that’s not why I called you here. I need your help.”
Morning Star nodded once, indicating that he was still listening.
Celestia continued. “Somepony rather close to me, one I care about dearly, was caught up in the whole mess. This has created all sorts of… problems… for her. Unfortunately, due to the nature of her predicament, I cannot help her directly. That is where you come in.” She looked him in the eyes as she finished speaking, the look of hope and desperation clear on her face.
Morning Star looked down at the cup of now lukewarm tea in between his hooves, silent for a few moments as he formulated a response. Finally, he looked back up at the princess and spoke, “What is it that you want me to do, Princess?”
Celestia made no attempt to hide the look of relief that rushed across her face. “It is nothing much, really. I would just like you to keep an eye on her, and help her when she needs it, and if I am correct, she will definitely need you before everything is done and over with.” Her smile had once again left her face as she spoke the last sentence.
Morning Star lifted the small tea cup to his lips, knocking it back and gulping the contents down before setting it delicately back on the accompanying saucer. “Alright. I’ll do it.” A frown tugged at the corners of his mouth as he looked over Celestia taking in her downcast expression and various tells he had learned over the years of knowing her. He hated seeing the solar mare in such a sad state, and he got a contemplative look in his eye as he thought about how to remedy the situation. Suddenly, an idea came to him, one he wouldn’t dare if it weren’t for the fact that he and Celestia were already so familiar with each other.
A wide and mischievous grin spread across his face as he spoke, “I’ll do it, but what’s in it for me?”
Celestia raised a delicate, inquisitive eyebrow. “What do you mean?” she asked.
His grin only grew wider, and he began to trace small circles on the wooden table with the tip of his hoof. “Well here I am, sitting before the single most beautiful, powerful, perfect mare in all of Equestria, the very pony responsible for the sun each and every day, and she is asking me for help with something even she cannot do.”
The princess’s eyebrow only rose further. She was well used to such praise and flattery from the pompous and foppish nobles in her court but not from the stallion in front of her. “Yes, I am. What is the point you are trying to make?”
His grin grew from ear to ear. “Well, I was just wondering, what could the prettiest, cutest, most beautiful, most shapely mare in all of Equestria possible offer me in return for my… services?”
Celestia recoiled slightly, a hot blush rising in her cheeks as she sputtered a response, completely caught off-guard for once, “A-are you… are you insinuating something, mister Star?”
“Why?” he asked, rising and leaning towards the princess while bracing his forelegs against the table, waggling his eyebrows in a suggestive and most definitely insinuating manner, “Are you offering?”
Celestia simply sputtered in response, her face feeling as hot as her sun. She opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, trying to formulate a proper response, only to end up resembling a fish.
One look at the expression on the solar diarch’s face and Morning Star couldn’t help it any more. He fell to the floor, clutching his side and bellowing barely contained boisterous guffaws, striking the floor once or twice with his hooves.
Celestia stared at him, aghast, before she finally realized what he had done. In only a few sentences he had completely dispelled any dark and negative feelings she had been carrying and utterly clearing the air of the thick tension that had seeped into since they began talking about the current predicament, allowing her to take her mind off of the situation, albeit however briefly, for the first time since the whole thing began (not to mention giving a great boost to her mareish self-esteem). A genuine smile spread across her face, before becoming mischievous in turn. Going over to where he still lay, she gracefully walked by, casually draping her flowing tail across him as she went. “Well… it has been quite a while. Especially with a stallion quite as handsome and… virile as you. I suppose that if you do this well…” she explained, trailing off at the last sentence, casually brushing a wing and a leg against him as she walked, gazing over her shoulder and blinking coquettishly.
This time it was Morning Star’s turn to be embarrassed. The hot red blush spread across his face rapidly, causing him to resemble an over-ripe tomato. He began to sputter in a remarkably similar manner, before turning and catching the mischievous glint in Celestia’s eyes.
For a moment, everything was silent. Neither of them moved, save for the ever-flowing nature of Celestia’s mane and tail, the latter of which was still draped across Morning Star’s face, neck and withers. And then, as suddenly as if somepony had flipped a switch, they both broke out into simultaneous but uproarious laughter. For a while both of them just laughed, enjoying each other’s company, and for the first time since hearing the dreaded news of the occult ritual Celestia truly felt relaxed. Everything seemed alright, as long as she had good friends and good ponies like Morning Star to call on then everything would be fine.
As their laughter gradually died down, they both returned to their respective seats across from each other at the table. However, instead of sitting down, Morning Star stared at his seat with a thoughtful expression for a moment, before his face brightened as he had an idea. Gently, he grabbed the plush red cushion in his teeth, carried it around the table, and set it down next to Celestia’s. Taking her tea cup from her, he gingerly lifted the tea pot from the middle of the table, refilled it, and set it before her, doing the same for himself. Then he sidled up against the feathery side of the white mare as if he wasn’t invading the privacy of the most important mare in all of Equestria. Celestia just shook her head at his antics, a content smile on her face to match his own. Lifting up her cup in her golden aura she gently sipped at its contents, trying to simply enjoy good drink and better company.
A single shriek, full of pain, fear, and confusion tore through the castle, instantly shattering the calm mood.
Celestia’s face and heart fell immediately, a deep, overwhelming sadness filling her eyes along with the beginnings of piteous tears. Oh Twilight, she thought to herself, shutting her eyes tightly to hold back her tears, you do not deserve this. Not you. Never to even feel the warmth of my sun, never to… Her thoughts were interrupted by the pony beside her stirring.
Slowly, Morning Star turned her face him as he gingerly wrapped his forelegs around her neck. He looked her dead in the eyes, his expression incredibly soft and yet still completely serious. “Don’t,” he said, his own voice touched with sadness that echoed her own. “It doesn’t suit you to cry. Ever. Your face was never meant to be marred by tears. There’s no need for it anyways, not now and not ever,” he said, giving her a soft squeeze. His smile was gentle and genuine, the look in his eyes softer than clouds. “I promise that no matter what, I will do everything I possibly can to make sure she is alright. You’ll get through this, and so will she. Everything will be fine in the end, I promise,” he soothed, ever so gently rubbing along the back of her neck. “So please… no more crying. Alright… Celestia?”
Celestia sniffed lightly, running her hoof across her muzzle. Slowly, a small but hopeful smile tugged at the corners of her porcelain lips, and she wrapped him in her wings, encircling the smaller pony. “I promise,” she said, laying her head across his withers. “And thank you. You always know just what to say.”
They stayed that way for a while, and not for the first time, Celestia felt grateful to have a friend like Morning Star in her life.
*~-/^\-~*
Twilight was – understandably – freaking the buck out. Upon discovering the damaged state of her leg in the sunlight she had immediately leapt to the side with a surprisingly cat-like hiss, out of the now harmful rays of sunlight. Fear and confusion had taken hold of her, and she was uselessly flailing on the ground, desperately scrabbling at her injured foreleg in a futile and instinctive attempt to dislodge whatever it was that had caused her pain.
Luna leapt into action immediately, grabbing Twilight in her magic and lifting her off of the floor, swiftly closing the curtains over the window. Twilight still struggled, desperately scratching at her wound, only succeeding in making it worse. “Stop that!” Luna yelled desperately, a hint of panic in her voice as she pried Twilight’s legs apart with a surprising amount of difficulty. The panicking unicorn continued to trash desperately, tugging against her bonds and wailing in fear. “Twilight! Snap out of it!” Luna screamed, lightly slapping her across the cheek in desperation.
Twilight stopped struggling and turned to the princess, her eyes blood-shot and her face stained with tears. Luna’s heart couldn’t help but break at the sight. This wasn’t her sister’s faithful student, element of magic, savior of Equestria twice over, and most magical unicorn born in the last millennium before her. This was a frightened filly, scared and in pain and not undestanding why.
“What’s happening to me-hehehehe!?” she managed to choke out before breaking down into sobs.
The lunar diarch gently set down the sobbing and frightened unicorn, walked over to her, and wrapped her in a feathery and comforting hug. Twilight instinctively leaned into the embrace, crying into the princess’s dark blue coat. “Hush, hush, Twilight, everything is alright,” Luna whispered, her maternal instincts taking over, and her horn beginning to glow a light blue. The panicking pony’s cries petered out as the sleep spell caught her unawares, and lulled her into a calm slumber. Lifting her gently, Luna whipped her tear streaked face off with a wing before levitating her back into the bed of her personal guest room. “Drahcir,” she called softly.
The named bat-winged pegasus was at her side in an instant. “Yes, my liege?” he asked from a deep bow.
She turned her head to regard him with an unreadable neutral expression as he rose from his bow. “Thou hast a filly of thy own, dost thee not?” she inquired in an even tone, her expression flat.
“Y-yes ma’am. Two of them actually,” he responded a bit nervously, not entirely sure what his princess was getting at.
Luna’s expression softened immediately, a gentle smile on her lips. “Good. Please, wouldst thou do us a favor?”
“Of course, Your Highness,” he replied immediately, dropping to his knees and hiding the relieved look on his face.
“Please, wouldst thou watch over Miss Sparkle whilst she slumbers? Her sleep should be restful, but We cannot help but fear that recent events may have been… a bit overmuch for her,” Luna explained, somehow looking both sheepish and guilty at the same time.
One look and Drahcir saw the genuine concern on her face too, and his expression softened as well. “Don’t worry, Princess. I’ve comforted my fair share of scared fillies in my time. Besides, you have things to attend to now, the night is just about to begin,” he said, the gruff but fatherly aura he always seemed to exude coming into light.
Luna smiled softly, nodding her head appreciatively at his understanding. “Our thanks. We knew that We could count on thee.”
“Of course Princess, I’m always happy to help,” he responded, puffing his chest a little at having his pride stoked.
Luna turned to leave, and said over her shoulder, “Please, when she wakes, send a messenger to let us know.”
“I will,” Drahcir said, saluting as he watched the lunar princess leave to begin her duties. Shutting the door softly, he silently trotted over to Twilight’s bedside and looked down at her, a gentle fatherly smile on his face. Years of fatherly instinct getting the better of him, he reached out and brushed a loose strand of her mane out of her gently sleeping face with a dark gray hoof and pulled the blanket up to her withers. “You know,” he whispered softly, his voice light and careful, “you’re pretty lucky to have ponies like that who really care about you.”
Even though Twilight couldn’t hear him, the pinched expression she wore in her troubled sleep began to ease. Indeed she was.
Well, look at that. The new chapter's up. Took long enough.
This one is definitely a... I guess softer would be a good word for it... chapter. The whole story isn't going to dark and gloomy and vampire badassery with no character development, there will be the occasional chapter like this that helps to flesh everyone out as actual people instead of two dimensional cardboard cutouts. But don't worry, I'll get back to the kick-ass supernatural showdowns soon.
I seem to have introduced two new OCs in this chapter. Huh. Don't worry though, they'll both become important later.
I also seem to have made a small referance/shout-out in this chapter as well, why don't you see if you can spot it? (I know at least one of you will )
And with this chapter, it seems that my current proofreader has quit on me. This means that the chapter above is probably riddled with errors, and I need a new one. If any of you are (still) interested in the position, please let me know in the comments below or via PM, and I will pick one (or more) of you based on pedigree and enthusiasm.
EDIT: Looks like I've found one already. Man, that was fast! All of my readers are just awesome, awesome people. Thanks to everyone who volunteered!
I guess I should also thank my always amazing pre-reader. He's a cool guy, and I hear he recently became canon in the Chess Game of the Gods sub-verse, if that means anything to you. Go check him out right here, he deserves it.
And last but not least, I think I'd like to give a shout-out to the story Among the Ruins, by SteampunkBrony (who happens to be the same guy responsible for the Vampony Chronicles). It's an awesome story off to a great start, and it really captures that 'post-apocalyptic' feel really well. It's definitely worth a read.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
Even when i agree that this chapter is the ''softer'' one it still gives us information we need about future interractions.
The only things i don't like is that Twilight can't walk in the sun .
Means her asskicking powers are only limited to the night.
But, there is always a but:D I believe in you that the action themed phases in your chapters are going to be epic.
And yes took a long time for this chapter but i guess they will come faster now.
Anyway good luck and happy writing.
another chapter ! and another succes.
1062688 well at least since most of the creatures she will be fighting probably won't be out in the sun either, we won't really be missing much during the day. So when they do come out at night she will destroy all in her path.
1062606 By the way, amazing story can't wait for more. May your pen flow with ideas and your story be filled with awesomeness.
~Black Light
Poor Twiight... Can't wait for more!
Nice chapter , but, we have not even reached the part where Twilight explicitly learns about what happend! How can it stop there?
This story is great very captivating in its dark yet Beautiful at the same time it shows the sad aspect of loosing someone but still having them unable to lift a hand/hoof to help them while at the same time showing that just being loved by some one any one can do wonders for the soul whether or not it will help the stars of the story is left up to writer but regardless of the outcome i will be following this story tell the end and for the writer i give 5 spikes and i look forward to reading more of this
1062606 About proofreading... I'm interested, but a bit hesitant to take on any more work (If my name isn't familiar, go look at my user page, you'll recognize the stories I edit). So basically, how frequently are you planning on releasing chapters?
dear god you are a genius at this
I didn't see a single instance of "thee" in any of Luna's lines, not even incorrectly. Put some research into archaic/Shakespearean English grammar.
Other than that, good exposition-part-one chapter.
"Luna whipped her tear streaked face off with a wing" I absolutely love the mental image when I read this line..... Dat pimpslap of the gods.
I wonder how you plan on handling that little "a bit thirsty" problem. Should be interesting.
1062606
I'd like being the proof-reader, if the position is still open.
A reference, huh? Is it a "Celestia hates tea" reference?
1062865
Originally this chapter was going to be almost twice as long, but I figured it had been long enough since I released the last chapter and people would be getting impatient by now. But don't worry, more exposition to come next chapter!
1062891
I don't really have a set release scheduale. I use the 'Blizzard' approach of "It's done when it's done and not a moment sooner", but I try to update frequently enough to keep my reader-base happy. So usually about once a week, if nothing goes wrong.
1062898
Look again, towards the end.
1062926
No, not quite (although the fact that there's a tea scene is most likely inspired form that). It's not quite so much a reference to a story as a shout out to a good fan of mine.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1062606
Oi, you need a proofreader? Cause I'll gladly take that spot. Just ask Glassed or Traveler about my proof-reading prowess if you need some proof of services.
1063024
That definitely sounds like a good idea. Glassed is already my pre-reader and Nathan is just plain awesomesauce. If you're good enough for them than you'd most assuredly be good enough for me.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
another awsome chapter
1062924
I have bad feeling that the "a bit thirsty" problem, will be a problem for the guard in the next chapter
and Twi will have a "guilt" problem
1063042
Why lookit me, I'm throwing around special names like it's dealing out cards. Anyway, I guess I'll PM you for more details and the like.
Morning Star seems a little lacking in the physical description department - though, for some reason, I'm assuming strawberry-blonde mane and green eyes. Can't imagine why.
Woohoo! Great new chapter! My only complaint is that one or two of Luma's sentences felt a little clumsy.
Otherwise, another success and I can't wait to see where this goes.
1063003 Well in that case, I can at least proofread for you sometimes. PM me if interested and we can talk in more detail.
not much plot progression in this chapter... Just another reason to read the next one!
drahcir... not sure if shout out or simply bad at coming up with names....
1063258
Ding ding ding! Looks like you... nailed... the shout-out on the head!
I'm sorry, that pun was awful.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
Very good chapter, . Now waiting for the next.
1063278
i get that pun so much i actually enjoy it. and i automatically question all names that look even the smallest bit odd, because i've read too many books to NOT assume that it's either a plot clue or a shoutout.
loving the story by the way
hey infinite, i love this story. when will the next chapter be out? i love this story. it is great
err is morning star lucifer?
This sounds like a crappy generic supernatural story but its so much more
So Twilight Sparkle is stuck unable to stand in direct sunlight without suffering injury and likely death.
At last, a return to pre-Twilight vampires, where vampirism actually has a downside, beyond the need to drink blood.
A solid chapter of exposition, plenty of new characters and setups.
Looking forward to the next one.
Also, can someone explain the drahcir shoutout reference. Is it a castlevania thing, like Alucard?
Yes! Wonderful. This is how vampirism should be: a horrifying, tragic affliction--especially from Celestia's perspective!--not a free ticket to superequine powers, an irresistible je ne sais quoi, and a swanky wardrobe (although those do help soften the blow a bit). Very vivid emotions in this chapter, both the good ones and the bad ones.
1062606
Fair enough. But I AM looking forward to some vampire badassery.
great chapter!
not that many noticeable mistakes (those that interrupt the flow), but i did find a few, and unfortunately; they were small and scattered, so i didn't note them down.
i swear; the lack of a romance tag (twiluna to be specific) is still tearing me up inside, it hurts, it looks so perfect for it...
one thing i did want to address (this is an assumption i got from reading): should twilight really be unable to stand in direct sight of celestia, i mean, sure, celestia is the avatar of the sun, but not the sun itself, being weaker in her presence i can understand, even having the same (or worse) effects when touched, but her presence alone having the same effect on twi as direct sunlight has (or worse?) seems strange...
im guessing that ill find out about this eventually, but ill put the question down anyways; which version of vampire are you going with? specifically if they are more "predatory" or more "parasitic" in general, exactly how the "disease" spreads (i hope you thought these two through carefully) and how the vampirism affects the pony in question's body (strength, speed, reflexes and aging) and magic (assuming they're a unicorn like in this case). if you are going to address this soon (next chapter), i might as well wait for the next chapter though.
looking forward to the next chapter, please don't delay that long
MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR!!!!
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb57525/godzilla/images/8/85/Govsd_stl_4_h.jpg
Alright, really enjoying the story so far! Vampire Twilight Sparkle seems like a really sweet idea.
However now, one thing has come to my attention in this chapter that kind of irks me, and that is this Morning Star character here.
The main issue is he just comes off waaaaaay too strongly for his first scene.
I'm sure by you've noticed how this fandom, for the most part anyway, reacts to Original Characters. If you haven't yet, it's generally pretty (really) negative. Now I'm not going to say get rid of him, by all means I'm okay with OCs, but a word of warning. Writing with OCs is tricky in our community because its either something you do well or you just don't do at all (really its something all fandoms should do but Bronies are especially sensitive to it it seems). For a lot of stories, how OCs are handled are always a make or break issue. All the proof you need of that is to the featured board. Most stories in there either only have OCs in minor supporting roles, or if they do have OCs in criticial roles it is often meant to be satirical in some manner.
Anyway, enough of my jabbering, onto the important part!
If your going to have critical OCs in this story here are a few easy points to remember to help them be accepted.
1. They must have a humble introduction. I'm sure somebody has told you sometime in your life time that introductions are important; well its true, doubly so when it comes to OCs. They can't come on too strong or else it just tends to turn readers off. For example; A readers introduction to Morning Star is pretty much finding out that he's apparently Celestia's secret best friend and that he's close enough with her to make sexual jokes and wipe away her tears of sadness. That's really heavy handed; pretty much anti-humble right there. I can pretty much assure you that introduction right there will turn off a lot of readers right there. If I had to make a guess/suggestion (odd combo, I know), I'd wager that this Morning Star probably has heavy experience with the occult if he's going to helping vampire Twilight in any shape or form. Knowing this, I would just suggest making the original introduction with Celestia much more professional.
2. Gradual inclusion. This pretty much means the character can't start off as a supreme bad ass, because that will only chase people away. OCs must always be eased slowly into any find of fanfiction. You can't just expect readers to accept them right off the bat, you have to be subtle about it. Build they're character slowly as the story progresses and gradually increase their importance as time goes on. Once again, Morning Star being Celestia's secret best friend nopony ever knew about is a bit much to start out with. But hey, nothings to say he can't get to that point eventually later on!
3. Have more then one. If your going to have important OCs a good idea is actually to have more then one. This is because if you only have one, then almost always, it will always be somewhat of a mary-sue. Now don't be offended, because its something that almost is done subconsciously when anyone writes a fanfic with only one important OC. Its only natural to want to make him/her cool, even if its only in a few regards. The best way to avoid that is to have more then one important OC, and to equally split attention among them. This pretty much kills any chance of those pesky annoying mary-sue's that just seem to creep into even the best of stories sometimes! Of course there a few sub rules to this rule, but its pretty much to just make the OCs varied; make sure they have different personalities and that they are not always doing the same things and are not always together. Ex: A guard Captain and his lieutenant wouldn't really count, but a Captain and Doctor would.
Gosh that was way more long winded then I thought it would be, but I hope it helps. Follow those few simple rules and I pretty much guarantee any OC you right about will have a much better chance at being accepted. I would also heavily recommend going and revising Morning Star introduction, for reasons I have already made obvious.
Sorry If I come across as a bit of an asshole, but I was quite impressed by your first chapter and I'd hate it to see passed over by so many over that one scene.
Anyway, good job as a whole! Looking forward to seeing a Hellsing-esqe Twilight kick some serious ass!
1063656>>1063656
Vampirism is, and always shall be, an affliction. Nothing more, nothing less. It can be either a curse, or a blessing, it is all in the manner in which one wields it. Twilight has been irrevocably afflicted -- for better, or for worse.
1064178
I've said it before, this whole thing was originally just going to be a side-project. As such only a few things are really planned out ahead, and pretty much this entire story is still fluid in concept. As such, all manners of tags and thing are almost certainly subject to change. I'm mostly playing it by ear at this point, we'll just have to see where this all goes.
Celestia can't really help Twilight for political reasons, as well as magical or otherwise. Not only is she the living, physical avatar of the sun and the day, everything that is now against Twilight's nature, but as a princess her every move would be watched by the public. Directly helping Twilight with her new-found Vampirism would make it common knowledge, and that's just not the sort of thing you want made public.
And I can't tell you too much about the nature of Vampirism, as that would rob the story of too many chances for exposition, cliffhangers, conflict, etc. Basically just all the things that make a story juicy. But I will say that I'm only going to do things that feel 'right', and that I already have most of the ups and downs planned out.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1064634
Please, don't feel that your insulting or alienating me in any way! Your concerns are valid and your points spot on. Your heart is definitely in the right place.
Originally I wasn't even going to have that scene at all. It kind of sprang on me out of nowhere, and sort of endeared itself to me. And while you make an excellent point, I don't feel that I could change it now without irrevocably harming the story's pacing, flow, and planed events down the line. Yeah, I realize it all come a bit out of left field, but like I've stated before: I never do something this significant without a legitimate and valid reason.
Yes, I realize his introduction is kind of harsh and heavy handed, but I don't think I could have done it differently and still had the same sort of impact.
But don't worry overly much, this isn't my first foray with OCs and I believe I can handle them properly. Remember: everything happens for a reason.
Thank you for your concern.
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1064715
Yes, that was you. YOU are the shout-out in this chapter, my good brony. I know what you did on youtube and your level of being-a-fan...ness... is above and beyond. I'm both immensely proud and happy you like it all so much.
And............... Holy crap!
You really do read really deep into this stuff! I think I might actually like your ideas better then my own! Hmm..... I might just have to re-work a few scenes.....
~Signed, InfiniteBrony
1064761
I'm kind of hoping that Morning Star is evil (as the whole Lucifer name might suggest), mostly because MadCatMan nailed my reaction to that scene... I took a dislike to the character almost instantly. On the flip side, I kind of liked the Night Guard that watched over Twilight at the end, for as much as we know about him, so I'd say the humble introduction advice was dead solid.
Regardless, I'm really enjoying the rest of the story to the extent that I will certainly stick with it a while to see how/where you take things.
Excellent! Keep writing my good man! (wishes there was monocle pony emote, oh well, Spike will have to do, )
I am partway glad to see non-day walker vampires again, it is part of their true potential. Unlike Stephanie Myers' (Yi'mach Sh'mo!) work, which, I feel guilty for even alluding to...especially in the comments of such fine literary work, it adds a lot of character development opportunities. The wise man said, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and being unable to watch the sunrise would make one wish for it ever more, especially what you did here, and alluded to with your Celestia scene. As a reader, it saddens me to know that Twilight may never see the sun again, the work of her mentor, as a writer, I say well played, because we are the cruelest people when it comes to our characters, and you have been especially sadistic. Bravo.
She had immediately what?
WE NEED MOAR!!!!!
I love the chapter, but poor Twilight.
There may have been some errors with the Old English. Nothing major, but still possibly erroneous non-the-less.
Or possibly the night and inside buildings/caves/anywhere away from the light of the sun.
Hmm...
Sounds intriguing.
However, on a scale of 1 to Cupcakes, roughly how dark is this fic?
Just curious before I start reading.
1062688
I liked the approach the first Blade film took: vampires can not walk in the sun--unless they basically take a bucking bath in sunblocker, giving them that obvious crust of white sunblocker remnants.
Somehow, the thought of Twilight taking a sunblocker bath to lurk around in the shadowy areas of daytime Equestria is funny.
1064681
"all manners of tags and thing are almost certainly subject to change"
then there's a possibility at least!
"Celestia can't really help Twilight for political reasons, as well as magical or otherwise. Not only is she the living, physical avatar of the sun and the day, everything that is now against Twilight's nature, but as a princess her every move would be watched by the public. Directly helping Twilight with her new-found Vampirism would make it common knowledge, and that's just not the sort of thing you want made public."
the political perspective was something that hadn't thought of before-hand, but it does make sense.
"I can't tell you too much about the nature of Vampirism, as that would rob the story of /.../ Basically just all the things that make a story juicy"
as long as you really think the aspects of vampirism through, im happy!
So this has just topped my list of stories I look forward to updates from... yeah. I did enjoy this chapter and can't wait to see how you portray Vampirism.
I want the next chapter so far I am liking where it is going and i have a feeling Morning Star is much more than an earth pony and seems to know about what happened to Twilight without even being told by Celestia so I say he is either a hunter or soething more :) keep it up can't wait for the next chapter
I want the next chapter so far I am liking where it is going and i have a feeling Morning Star is much more than an earth pony and seems to know about what happened to Twilight without even being told by Celestia so I say he is either a hunter or soething more keep it up can't wait for the next chapter
1064861 You seem happy for the shoutout Would you mind if I used you as a small cameo in my own story?
1063052 I think I'd be the Ace of Spades and Nathan would be a Joker.
-Glassed