A new world born from the ashes of two.A new power that spread throughout the galaxy and an unknown enemy willing to use that power for his own ambitions.This is a tale of heroes,both new and old.
The characters from My Little Pony are own by Hasbro
The charecters from My Brave Pony:Starfleet Magic are made by DakariKingMykan
And characters that originated from fic are made by me
This story takes place in an alternate universe and you don't have the read the original one to fully understand this one.
I hope you all enjoy this fic:)
Chapters (2)
The descriptions are nicely thorough. I highly suggest putting spaces where needed, such as between the colon and [Harmony] in the title and after all commas. I look forward to seeing what Ace Ray is like.
8749222
Thanks you for the complement and criticism😊
8749232
You're welcome.
I'm assuming this is like Kamen Rider?
8784771
Yup
You forgot the spaces here, it should be terror, sadness, anger
Hey, we have the same questions
And you are? I thought you were the omnipotent narrator
Ok, I have opinions. It first sounds like an omnipotent narrator is telling what happened, but then it shifts into a presentation. That doesn't work because the two things clash. A presentation should be to the point and about facts, this, however, was not. That sounded like something an author would write, it just clashes.
I don't need to know her hight, only if she is tall or small if nothing is mentioned she is relatively normal.
Well, you asked for criticism, you are going to get it:
First, this is all meant as constructive criticism and not in any kind of way intended to be malicious, if it appears that way I'm truly sorry.
So, my first piece of advice is to get a grammar checker, something like Grammarly. Helps with the grammar mistakes. Second, read your story again before you publish it again, after something like 2 hours, so you notice when something doesn't sound right. Oh and you should capitalize the first letters in the Chapter names, looks better, here a little link. Also, the description is really not that good. It is basically one sentence and one that doesn't say much. The rest of it is something that belongs into the author's notes.
So, to the actual meat of the story, I have no idea what is going on, like at all. I got that there are 49 shards of something and that the elements are involved but besides that? Nothing. And you would have actually had a good moment to explain the basics with the presentation, but you didn't. You start with confusion and then follow it up with some answers we don't fully grasp because we lack the knowledge. Generally, I wouldn't start the story with an infodump anyway, rather show us the characters and ease us into the information, like what happened to Equus and what are those shards. Right now I was too confused with what the hell is going on that the introduction of the characters didn't really archive the impact it should have. And the characters are what really drives a story.
I love the fact that the fire is more concerning then fucking meteors
Interesting name...
First of all, the hell? Second, I don't think reminiscing about her appearance in the middle of an inferno is the best of times
I'm going to use this sentence as an example. You don't show a lot, you tell. This, these five words could cover way more ground than how they are now. Describe how she feels, the sweet that is running down her body, the quick uneven breathing, her heart beating in her chest, her eyes that have shoot open. This would show us what happened and show us how upsetting this dream is for her.
Oh, great, the first sentences from our protagonist and it's whining. Oh boy...
Dramatized? Oh god, she can only speak in a Shakespearian voice
I think traumatized and the fact that this is affecting her doesn't need to be stated, we can get that from the fact that she still dreams about it.
Ok, first, don't let two characters speak in the same paragraph, it is just confusing. Second, wow that was an infodump out of nowhere. And it doesn't even make sense for the characters, they should already know that, they have experienced it.
Oh really?
Wow, rude
9037246
Thanks for the comments. I will try and fix the mistakes ^^
9037127
Okay then thanks ^^. Thanks for the criticism.