After the beginning of a bloody war ruins an era of peace that had spread across Equestria, Princess Celestia calls upon the aid of a mysterious race beyond the walls of reality.
After getting the chance to play a new beta MMORPG known as Equestria Online, Tyler, in the form of his new character, Neydra, begins to discover that a simple game is more than lines of code. After an invasion kills one of the princesses and embeds the newly formed Element of Magic within their chests, they must embark on a journey to restore the Elements of Harmony to the lands and end the war plaguing the world.
Meanwhile, a new evil stirs on the edges of the world, a horrible pony who wishes to control the world through fear and evil to accomplish their own desires.
If you came here looking for a SAO crossover, you might want to look elsewhere, as this does nothing more than take slight inspiration from SAO.
Is this like a SAO crossover?
8538958
A good question. No, it isn't, but it does use aspects and ideas from the SAO series.
8538962
Thanks. I’ll have to read it.
im a total weeaboo8538979
Would you help him spread the story around on fourms? It would be much appreciated.
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Like anime forums?
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Any forums you think would drag in a crowd. Any advertising would help us get on our feet(hooves?) and help make the story worthwhile to write to its completion.
8539095
Sounds good!
This looks like a good story.
Good premise too. I will read tonight. :3
Stupid
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K bye
8539095
Just for now I posted a blog about it, and I’m working on elsewhere.
Can't wait until he figures out its more than a game!
there should be only one of those
8540447
Oh SHIT
However I found that spot and it looked fine to me, is there another spot I'm missing?
I edit the stuff he writes so I am the one responsible lol
8540465
nothing that i can see, but i'm not usually good at finding spelling mistakes; that just happens to be the one mistake i can spot easily
8540485
Huzzah! We will scour the story for the mistake and Mount it on a pike.
Something I have to ask, hiw bound by game mechanics is she? Is there an inventory, HUD type things, ect? Will other players be recognizable?
Uh. Uh.
Uh.
Did he just get locked in the game?
8547641
Hmmm, guess you'll have to wait and see sir snek. ;)
8540465
By the way, there are plenty of unneeded ''s' in the latest chapter.
Still grand tho! My mind ignores them on instinct! xD
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We will roll through the story and see if we can't fix those up.
Interesting concept. I've already read all three chapters, and have added this to my "Tracking" bookshelf. lets see where this goes.
I've also ran across quite a few grammatical errors. Figured I'd point the ones in this chapter out for you.
A little redundant, as well as repetitive, with the use of "Darkness" here.
my friends and I
Unnecessary comma
Redundancy with "Tension"
Perhaps you should rework this metaphor. Time bombs don't have fuses, nor will a spark typically set one off. Yea, I know everyone gets what you're saying, but it can still be... distracting.
Unnecessary comma
Unnecessary comma
Could use a comma after "has"
Could use a bit of re-wording at the end there. Hows "...insignificant as I in a time like this" sound?
As a rule with periods and Quotations, you shouldn't use a period in the end of the quote (such as what you have after 'Twilight') unless that is also the end of the whole sentence. In this case 'Princess Celestia says suddenly' is continuing the sentence, so use a comma in place of the period.
Weird, I know, but that's how they work.
*gave*
Same as with the previous period in quotations. Should be a comma as it is part of a larger sentence and isn't the ending of it.
Also... *says*
Again, swap the period for a comma. Also, should "her" be "hole"?
And third, and perhaps there isn't anything TECHNICALLY wrong with this, but the wording feels off in the quote.
Perhaps "...working on our own project in secret"? With or without a comma after "project". This is probably just me nitpicking.
Redundant with "inside"
replace the period after "Twilight" with a comma.
In other news, the one after "hope" stays, as it actually is the end of the sentence.
You guessed it. Period. Also, lower case "she"
Here too
And here
And here. Also, lower caps "she", and "says" rather than "say".
Period
Period. Lowercase "she". *says*.
should be broken with a comma after "notes", but i'm not certain it would be required.
I'm certain there's more I've missed as well, but this should help.
8556699
Well this is quite the list! When we find the time, I'll go back and fix things up. Thank you for all of your help!
Doo doo doo doooo! Neydra has gained the Prestige Class: Revenant!
That done, this chapter really feels like it belongs in another story altogether. Or most of it does. The Doctor just pulls her along with no explanation and she follows with no questions and little reaction. One would expect either pulling away, demanding answers for the wild goose chase, or some internal note about the "sidequest". Instead she's just... there as an accessory, following limply.
8557834
There is a point to that. The Doctor is a noticeably mysterious character, one that hardly explains things too often with sensable reasoning. Neydra got caught in the middle of one of his (or her) adventures.
I think that the emphasis that Neydra isn't the sole hero or even that she is the only character with important things going on adds a touch of life into the world around her. She isn't the center of this universe, she is merely a huge cog in the machine. I believe that is what we were aiming for, other than just having a fun little quest story for you to enjoy.
As for not having her notes, Neydra lost all of her equipment at the end of the third chapter, so she doesn't have her journal at all.
I wanted to also establish the Doctor being in this story as she is planned to be making other appearances. Though, rest assured, Neydra is back into her adventure after her little-sidetracked quest.
Do feel free to message me or Faulty with any personal questions or if you want to chip in.
You know now that I think about it, the game does kinda encourage meta-gaming. In the game's "story" they're being called to another world from the human one, so why couldn't they plan things/send messages in the human world where only players could reach them?
Another thing that came to mind: after seeing how the war started, with equestria razing a griffon town, it honestly makes equestria seem like the bad guys in the conflict. Not evil, but definetly at fault for the war. Plus the whole specism towards non-ponies isn't likely to go over well with players, which will likely become a "plot point" in the game's story people will pursue.
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Perhaps. I suppose we will have to see who is good and who is bad in the end. See, some of this is based on other fantasy elements like characters with faults, good and evil mixing together and questions about morality.
Also, sorry we aren't active right now, both of us are trying to get life out of the way before we pick it back up!
Also, glad to see so many people have seen our story! It's super exciting!