An amnesiac gray colt named Gray Moon appears in Ponyville and is helped by Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle while being plagued by nightmares of a pursuing malignant horned shadow. Seeking to help ease his distress with a projection spell, Twilight uncovers the distant memory a proto-Ponyville settlement ravaged by a former associate of Princess Celestia. Not long afterwards, a mysterious blackgray alicorn attacks Canterlot and attempts to assassinate the Princess and others, saying he is "Zero Wing" and declaring himself to be the savior of a meaningless existence. As the story progresses, Twilight and Fluttershy attempt to aid Gray Moon in finding out the truth of the memory, all before Zero Wing makes one more attempt at erasing the world from existence.
This tale is written as a gift for a good friend who is a fan of MLP. And it is dedicated to him and all other friends and associates who are as well.
Zero wing?
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ALL YOUR PONIES ARE BELONG TO US
Hello Saffron! I read the whole story and the only bit of advice I can give you is to write your story in past tense. In order to make sense of the story I had to train my brain to read some of these words with an "ed" at the end. I just want to point out that this isn't an insult this is more along the lines of constructive criticism. I really respect people such as yourself for trying to write a story and putting it out there for everypony to see.
If you need an example of what I mean about writing in past tense here you go.
“Shh, it’s okay,” Fluttershy said while reassuring the hens hiding around her. “Please go back to your house. Everything is fine. I’ll make sure everything’s okay.”
The yellow Pegasus cautiously walked towards the fallen gray colt with Angel and the hens around her hooves. Fear faded into concern once she saw the colt's wounds and weakened state. Angel approached the colt’s head and lightly tugged on his ear. Getting no response, Angel pulled back the right eyelid, watching for a telltale blink.
“Angel, don’t do that,” Fluttershy exclaimed pulling her pet back. Fluttershy stepped back as the gray colt coughed and tried to stand. “Oh! Be careful!” Fluttershy squeaked. The gray colt tried to make eye contact with her but his head felt too heavy to lift. Instead, he refocused the energy into dragging himself. The hens panicked and fled towards the house, passing around the colt.
“Please don’t hurt yourself. I can help,” Fluttershy told him.
I did not improve grammatical errors I just put the passage into past tense. I am no grammar nazi especially since I am aware that all these stories are free lance so I forgive that easily.
I like where this story is going and I hope that you consider writing the next part in past tense. Have a good one!
913483
I very much apologize for the extremely late reply. Heh, I didn't realize that when I was composing the idea. Nice to point out.
914012
I very much apologize for the late reply on this. I've been getting accustomed to this website over the past month and so on. Thank you for the advice. I will take it into consideration for future works.