When I'm 65

by Jesse Coffey

Happy happy birthday baby

Carmen Caball, a pegasus, gets up from her bed and looks at the mirror and sings "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday . . . dear Carmen, happy birthday to me."

She then gets out a lot of supplies and telephones Social Security. She is then given a message from the telephone operator stating, "I'm sorry. All of our lines are busy at the moment. I would advise you to remain on the line for the next available service representative to speak to you. This message will not repeat. Please wait until you get a free line."

She remarks, "If I were not of Maretonian heritage I wouldn't have to wait that long."

The door bell rings. It is her daughter, Miranda, who has a radio flyer wagon full of small-to-medium-sized paperback books. "I brought over some nice books for you to read. A dime per book. Unbeatable. Here's a great book that became a great movie, To Kill a Mockingbird." Carmen groans. "And here's a nice little thriller that also became a movie, Jaws." Carmen grumbles to herself, "that shark thing again." "And here's another one! It's a famous play, Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. Come on, madre, that's some good stuff there. This will improve A LOT of our literacy skills."

Carmen struggles for a few seconds then retorts, "It looks like you forgot something."

Miranda says, "What?"

Carmen says, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, GOD DAMN IT!"

Miranda says, "Well, happy birthday, madre. How old are you?"

Carmen says, "I'm 5 plus 60."

Miranda says, "As if I didn't know what that could equal."

Carmen says, "I'M SIXTY-FIVE! YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT MI HIJA! When you get to be my age, and you have faded into so much obscurity, you're a forgotten woman. And now I prepare myself as I get to be with your father up in Heaven. Good night. It's bedtime for me."

Miranda shrugs. "Bedtime? It's only 2 o'clock in the afternoon! Don't you want to see this?" She then slides up a huge wrapped box with her hooves.

Carmen turns around, sees it, and returns to face Miranda, who says, "FELIZ CUMPLEANOS!" She replies, "So you didn't forget me?" Miranda said, "No, I almost fooled you for a moment there." Carmen said, "Why would you do such a thing? I shouldn't have had to wait all day for it." Miranda said, "Well, let's find out what it is."

In the box is a new bonnet with flowers sticking out the left and right directions of the hat. Miranda says, "What do you think?" Carmen says, "It's, it's, it's a hat." Miranda says, "DUH! Let's look in the mirror. Ah . . . ah . . . isn't that a beauty?" Carmen says, "It sure is! My old hat like this got trampled over by a car once." Miranda says, "You can pull down the hat . . . " Carmen says, "No it makes me look like a border patrol agent. This neighbourhood isn't in need of one." Miranda says, ". . . or pull it down on one side, which most people do." Carmen replies, "That makes me look weird. You don't want that do you? No, I like the brim pulled up like this. That's where all the sweat locks in."

Miranda replies, "Notice in the sweatband it says C.C."

Carmen replies, "And that means what?"

Miranda replies, "THOSE ARE YOUR INITIALS MADRE!"

Carmen says, "It could mean Come Clean."

Miranda replies, "Remember, you cannot be wearing it on a daily basis. It has to be worn on special occasions . . . "

Carmen says, " . . . like funerals, weddings, and the land of Social Security. OOOH! THERE'S A CARD IN THERE! I'll be reading it! 'Happy birthday mama' - - "

Miranda says, "I don't take kindly to that."

Carmen says, "It's important that I read it out loud. 'Happy birthday mama' - - "

Miranda says, "You don't have to do that."

Carmen says, "Quiet down. 'Happy birthday mama' - - "

"This isn't bedtime mama. This is a card reading."

"I know, shut up. 'Happy birthday mama. I feel a certain sentiment for you and I could never want to hide it in a million years. I wish you happy birthday, a very heartwarming birthday. You have to know I love you in my heart from top to bottom and if we should ever part you will always have my blessin'. Signed, your loving daughter, Miranda.' That is very sweet. Why didn't you want me reading it out loud?"

Miranda replies, "Well, birthday cards . . . "

"What about them?"

". . . they get slightly mushy and dorky . . . "

"Then you don't believe it. I like the hat better than you like the card."

"So take your card, and I'll keep the hat."

"NO! You take the hat, and I'll keep the card!"

"Geez, for a loving daughter like that you should be more thankful for the kind of presents you receive from her!"

"Thank you!" Carmen shouted and then Miranda sat on her chair staring at Carmen, who said, "I love this hat. It's the best looking one I ever had in my life. I like the card . . . and the hat."

"Now if you wear that when it rains, you best take it off."

"Take it off? In the rain?"

"It's gonna get spots and your hat will be speckled."

"I'm gonna catch a cold if I take it off in the rain."

"You can cure a cold for 3 days. You can cure a speckled hat on the twelfth of never."

"Gee, I, I guess so."

"Madre, pack your bags. We're going out tonight!"

"For what?"

"Why are you asking this? The hat is only HALF of the present. We're gonna have a night on the town."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. I figured you needed one because you're 65 years of age and so I thought you needed to be rewarded for this. First, a drink, then a movie that requires personal reservation, and then it will be dinner time."

Carmen then gets cheerful. "OH BOY! IT'S NOT EVEN GONNA RAIN TONIGHT! I'm gonna wear my hat!"

Miranda replies, "And you're gonna were a nice dress and slippers."

"Dress and slippers? I don't need no dress and slippers!"

"That's what going out in style means, hat, dress and slippers!"

"OK. Got enough gas in the truck?"

"A broken down truck is NOT high-style. We're going in a taxi because that IS high-style."

"Taxi? Taxi? Imagine that. Taking a taxi while letting no one go to the hospital."