Petals sat in the rain at a grave with her head down. There was a little black unicorn filly with bright pink hair under her wing huddling close to her for warmth and to stay dry. Petals sighed and stood up saying softly “Lets go Star we need to get you home and dried off.”
Star looked up at her mother and let out a whimper “But what about mama?” The young unicorn looked up at Petals looking scared and worried. Star nuzzled her and looked around confused. She then yelled out “Mama! Where are you Mama!”
Petals breathed a big sigh before saying softly “Star...” Petals sighed looking down before saying “Your mama is not going to be coming home with us. " Petals looked at the young filly and sighed trying to figure out how to explain to her daughter that her mother and teacher was never coming home ever again.
Star shook her head not wanting to believe it and continued to yell for her mama until Petals put a wing on her back. Star looked up at her mom and whimpered. Petals sighed and then said softly “Lets just go home sweetie.” Star reluctantly nodded and then followed her mom. Petals sighed then started trotting towards home after making sure her daughter was following close behind.
Once Petals had reached their home she pushed the door open and walked into the home and looked around. The house already seemed so empty without her beloved marefriend and wife. She looked down at the shivering Starry Night and said “Why don’t we get you to bed? Lets go get you dried off my little Star.” Petals nudged the foal gently towards her room.
Star groaned softly “But Mom! I am not tired and Mama ALWAYS put me to bed!” The little filly tried to get away from Petals. As soon as Star broke free she ran around the house trying to find her unicorn mother. After searching the entire house Star came to a stop in front of Petals and looked up at her with tears in her eyes “Where is mama?”
Petals looked at her young filly and got down to her height saying “Star sweetheart your Mama is not coming home. She is gone forever and no matter how much she wanted to stay she wont be coming back.” Petals put her forelegs and wings around Star nuzzling her gently in a motherly way.
Star started crying and buried her muzzle in Petals’ fur and cried. Star stayed like that for a long time just crying. She ended up falling asleep while crying in Petals hug. When Petals realized that her daughter had fallen asleep she picked her up flew to Star’s room and laid her in her bed. Petals kissed her head and tucked her in before she flew to her room.
She peered into it and sighed softly. It seemed so empty without Black Night. She went over to the bed and got in it before burying her muzzle in her wife’s pillow and tried to fall asleep breathing in her scent.
This is very good Marie! Especially for a first story, you're a very good writer.:) Also, you ought to tell your friend I said they're a good artist, I really like that cover image! I'm going to be honest, I actually cried reading this, not only with the sad feel of losing a lover, but the awful reality of a child losing a parent. I do have to wonder though, what DID happen to Black Night? Like, obviously she died, but what I'm curious about is how she died? I'm not sure if you thought about that or not. Anyway! Great story! Fantastic job!:D
Petals sighed and stood up saying softly “Lets go Star we need to get you home and dried off.” -- Petals sighed and stood up saying softly, “lets go, Star. We need to get you home and dried off.”
Star looked up at her mother and let out a whimper “But what about mama?” -- Star looked up at her mother and let out a whimper, “but what about mama?”
This error repeats.
"This is a statement." David nodded approvingly. "The words are separate of the action, making each a separate sentence. Each starting with a capital and ending with a period or similar mark."
He pointed out, "this, on the other hand, is part of the same sentence, the sentence of 'pointing something out'. This works equally for 'said', 'whimpered', 'shouted', and other saidisms. Note that the second half of such a construct does not have a capital starter, but does end with a period or similar."
"Learning the difference can be challenging--" David gave an emphatic thumbs up. "--but I have faith in you! Improved grammar will help the flow of your writing and get more readers."