"Hey, why's it rainin' so much?" I asked one of my Best friends Ontwale. "I don't know,mabey it's a RAINSTORM!!!!" He said laughing. I slugged him in the arm. "BOOO!!!!!" I heard Dylan yell. I screamed and jumped 10 feet in the air. "Hey! Don't do that to my cousin,the soon to be popstar!" My cousin Jessica (or as call her Jessie.)Said punching him in the arm,i just slapped the back of his head."And you," I said pointing a fingure at jessie." I've told ya i'm not gonna be a popstar!" Jessie laughed so hard she fell over. My dog Abby barked and jumped around being her usal self. "At least let us be the judge of that!!!!" Dylan and Ontwale said simotaniosly. I sighed, I was going to tell them fine but instead I just screamed at the top of my lungs Jessie joined in too. I geuss she saw what saw and so did the boy's 'cause they started screaming. There it was a thousand foot tall tornado ripping up every thing in a 20 mile radius. everyone else noticed it and started screamming and yelling. Jessie grabbed my hand and I grabbed Dylan's hand and he grabbed Ontwale's and he grabbed Abby's leash. we all ran down the hall. I think we were the calmest people there and that's saying somthin' since me and Ontwale were still screaming at the top of our lungs. Jessie tripped on something near the back of the school,causing us all to fall down. "Ow....What the heck?!" Jessie said sitting up. There was a small handle sticking up out of the floor. I crawled next to her and yanked it up, there was a room down there!!!!! "Get in!!!" Ontwale yelled as he pushed us all down into the basment. I grabbed Abby and she landed on top of me,I landed on jessie,Abby Jumped up and walked away,Dylan landed on me and we all got out of the way just before Ontwale hit the floor. "Dude! Are You okay?!" I said in a worried voice."Yeah. I just jumped off the 12th step." Ontwale said."Wait there are steps,as in stairs?! And you did close that thing.......right?" Dylansaid quickly.Ontwale jumped up and nodded. "Wait I think I found a lanturn...... and some matches!" Dylan said happily. *CHHHHH* *CHHHHH* a lantern was lit. And there were 6 more near it. We all lit one and saved the other three incase we needed them later. "Jessie, why are you smiling?" I said a little creeped out that she was smiling in a time like this. "Oh...." I continued starting to giggle. A few months ago I had made a joke about the thing Big Macintosh wairs around his neck since i didn't know what it was called, I came up with it but Jessie dose the voice.Suddenly she jumped up and put her arms in position that guys do to show off their mucles and said,"I am Big Macintosh with my manly man neclace!" The boys didn't know what we were talking about but none the less we all bust out laughing. Dylan and I laughed so hard we cried! "Wait,*LAUGHING* who's Big Macintosh? I thought macintosh was an apple?" Ontwale said curiosly. Me and Jessie looked at each other and bust out laughing and she said,"He IS an Apple!!" "And a SANDWICH!!!" I said still laughing. You now Big Mac from Mc.Donalds,the burger. We finnaly and embarisingly told them about how we like My Little Pony. "It dosen't matter you're still our best friend...i mean friends." Ontwale said as Dylan nodded. "Oh wow!" jessie said looking at her watch. " What?" I asked. "It's 3:45 am!" She said. "Let's get some sleep!" Dylan declared with his pointer finger in the air. We all agreed. Witch surprised me because Jessie always stays up untill the morning light,but I geuss without any music or tv there's no point. "Abby!" I called, my playful little rautwiler troted over to me and layed down. I curlled up next to her and my friends incircled us and they soon fell asleep. Right before I fell conpleetly asleep I felt Abby lick my face and I said,"I wonder what you would look like with a man necklece." Eveyone erupted in luaghter. I laughed a little too then we all fell asleep.
Why did you align the text to the right? Do you have any idea how jarring that is for the reader? Also, what's with the spacing in the text? That looks fucking stupid.
You need to learn pacing and being able to tell a coherent thought, because the lack of both in this fic makes this laborious to read. So, a tornado appears right he fuck out of nowhere and they all head to this cellar to make "jokes" that would make Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook look hilarious in comparison. And what makes you think your characters are funny? That people laugh at their "jokes"? That seems OOC for them, because any normal person would have probably not laughed at all because the jokes are fucking retarded.
OH FUCK! WALL OF TEXT!
And what the hell is the character's mom doing in the school? Was she a teacher? Did she have the day off of work and decide to smoke weed outside the school (probably to deal with the pain of having such a shitty writer for a son/daughter)? I don't know, because you never tell us. It's obvious that you wrote her in here because you thought we would think its "sad." This was our real reaction to her death, being as poorly written as it was:
[youtube=746HX-FB7iE]
Mary Branch Elementrey (<-- ) School. That explains the shit writing. Then Luna appears from no where and the kids are just like, "Cool," and... I can't even comprehend the rest of this shit anymore.
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BTW, that "man necklace" is called a yoke. It connects to a plow so Big Mac can pull it. Idiot.
Just going to say this now.
GET. A. PRE.READER. LIKE, NOW.