Prologue
It all started 20 years before the return of nightmare moon a pony is running in the woods with a new born foal. The pony is a friend to the creatures of these woods.The pony sees a bunch of animals and says "I am being chased I need you to
Raise my son his name is Aquamarine. Thank you I must go now so they don't find him." And off the pony went to lead those who were chasing away.
The newborn foal had just opened it's eyes for the first time to see a timberwolf. The wolf knew that the first thing a pony sees is usually it's mother or father so the wolf knew he and his mate had to raise this foal. The wolf's name is Brian. The pony had left some stuff such as a five translation collars a book on a pony's diet and a few spell books. Brian takes the new part of his pack back to his home with the supplies left by the pony. He now takes time to examine Aquamarine. His fur is blue his maine is black he has a horn.
Brian now sets down the foal to examine his body. What he sees next shocks him the foal has bat wings. Brian knew that ponies sometimes had horns and sometimes had wings but did not know they could have both. With this a new problem came how would he teach him to fly.
Brian has now arrived to his home. He is greeted by his wife Clair. Clair sees Aquamarine and asks how Brian got him. After Brian explained the whole situation with the pony. Clair has to tell Brian something." I need to tell you something Brian I am with pups." said Clair
Brian was shocked to hear this. He and Clair have been trying to have pups for years now. Soon they will be blessed with pups and now they have a foal. They will love Aquamarine as if he was their own pup.
seventyfive days later
Brian and Aquamarine have now been waiting to be invited back in the cave because Clair has been giving birth to the pups for an hour now. The current count is now four pups two boys two girls. They have been waiting for two hours and have been invited back in the count is six three boys and three girls.
Aquamarine was curious to see his little brothers and sisters. One boy had a pure white coat his name is Snow, the next one Aquamarine saw had a amber coat her name is Ember, next was a boy with a green coat his name is Terra, next was a boy with a gray coat his name is Shade, next was the runt of the litter Breeze she has a silver coat, lastly is the oldest of the pups Kara she has a brown coat. Brian and Clair now have seven kids
half a year later
There is a unicorn walking into the forest she had green and white fur and a red and white maine she had a green tail with blue spots her cutiemark is a peppermint candy. She came into the forest because she heard a colt. As she went deeper into the woods the colt got louder. She was in shock when she saw a colt playing with timberwolfs. She instantly put a protection spell on the colt and levitated him to her but to her shock the colt ran right to the timberwolfs. The timberwolfs then surrounded the colt she then realized the timberwolfs were protecting him. She then walked up to the timberwolfs. "Nice wolfs I just want to see the colt I mean him n no harm." said Peppermint. At this the wolfs tilted there heads in confusion.
"Should we trust her she seems like one of his kind she might be able to teach him from those books mom and dad where given when they got him." said Breeze.
"I don't know she seems a bit nervous." said Kara. While this conversation was happening Shade had went to the cave and got a collar he then showed it to Peppermint.
"Hm a collar i think he wants me to put it on him." She said as she went to put the collar on him with her magic she was very careful to not make any movements that would be seen as a threat. As she put the collar on Ember, Terra, Breeze, and Kara saw that Shade was with the collar. They were all in shock as they heard Shade say.
"Thank you my siblings can be very protective of Aqua."
" Wha it must be that collar it must convert animal speech to eqlish." Said Pepper
"So that must be what these do i will contact our parents so they can meet you" said Shade "Ahooooooooooooooooooo" Shade howled. Off in the distance there is a howl. "Our parents are on there way do not try anything." Said Shade
"Ok" as Peppermint said that Clair and Brian had arrived
"Who is this?" Asked Brian
"She seems to be one of Aqua's kind" Said Shade.
"What." Said the shocked Brian and Clair
"I brought the Collar here to talk with her." Said Shade
" What were you thinking Shade?!!" Yelled Brian. "She could have been one of the ponies chasing them." Said Brian
"I knew she was nice because when she first saw him she moved him away from us and when he came back he had a green barrier around him." Stated Shade.
"It is true where I come from timberwolfs attack us ponies. Shade i am going to put the collar on the one you where talking to ok." Said Peppermint. Breeze nods his head to show its ok with him. "Ok I am going to put this collar on you with my magic ok." Said Peppermint. Brian had sat to think about it for a bit before he nodded his head once the collar was on him he said.
"I see my son has come to trust you so I will take his word now I have a favor to ask you will you teach Aquamarine to use magic?"
"I will I can tell he is a kind soul so yes" Answered Peppermint
IT is my first story ever
8320208
As a fair warning: Prepare for the downvotes.
The story is an absolute mess with grammar, sentence, and phrasing errors out the wazoo. Please, find and editor who has experience and knows what they are doing. Learn from them, grow, and be open minded because they sometimes can be harsh, but all they are trying to do is help you.
Good Luck buddy!
8328410
thx for the warning
She's right but I have to say nice start ;)
8328413
Thx
I know the feeling of having numerous spelling mistakes and I got a really good editor and spell checker. Find yourself in editor and spell checker and you'll be good to go cuz this is a good premise
8328431
thx
this got approved on my last chance
Good god. What is this!?
Wait.
Oh, ok, that explains it.
Look, first of all I'm really glad your writing. In fact, welcome!
However, I have many issues with this story. You seem lazy when you write rnm (the return of nightmare moon.) I mean, really? Why would you do this?
And the Timberwolf KNOWS it has to raise this creature? No no. Look, I'm as much a fan as the next person when it comes to Timberwolves, but this is ridiculous. It seems like you are copying off the jungle book. Wolves eat ponies. Sorry. Can't be changed.
And then everyone accepts him and he behaves like a perfect gentleman after being raised by wolves? C'mon.
Overall, there are many issues with this story. PM me and I will happily help you!
One final note. Don't make your oc an alicorn. Please.
This was a pretty awesome story. Brian seems like a well-thought out, hard-hitting character that will have a large impact on the story as a whole. I'm anxious to see how your Aquamarine turns out, because it seems as if you'll be giving him a lot of character development moving forward. All in all, this story seems to be heading in a fantastic direction and I can't wait to read more.
Loljk it was not good at all, go get an editor and come back with an idea that isn't terrible.
I did upvote it though.
8328462
It was one pony
8328484
I know, but if there is something I have a good nose for, it's sniffing out Gary Stus. Now don't worry, I really want to help! Can you pm me with all the basic info of your oc?
(PS, my first oc was also an alicorn. But I worked on it.)
8328493
most of the info is in there
8328504
In the story?
8328506
ya the start and the pic
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/8jzn-1500930690-380460-medium
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But I need to know his personality. Where did he come from. Why is he an alicorn. Is this normal. What happened with his parents. Things like that.
even if he is a bat pony hybrid, odds are those wings should be malformed and vestigial
genetics would dictate that being an alicorn is the most recessive trait of all recessive traits. now, if we look at this in a punnett square, we would probably say that batponies having wings is a dominant. however, since the mother likely has a horn, we would have Ww, which means that he would have wings but they likely wouldn't be very big or even usable. especially since this is an interracial relationship.
now let's go for another thing. magically, this pony would probably be weak, as the batpony wouldn't have a horn to add the matching dominant allele to the mother's dominant allele, or recessive, or what have you. odds are, this child would have very weak magic, and would have vestigial wings incapable of flight. then again, i'm not a horse scientist with a degree.
8328518
backstory is nice and all, but the SCIENCE! matters a bit more to me.
Oh, goodness no. This story is nearly impossible to read. As someone has already suggested, you should get an editor. In fact, from what I've gathered, it's imperative if you want to keep writing stories on here. You can only improve and learn from your mistakes, as well as from others on this site. As this is your first story, as it is with almost everyone, it isn't the best, to put it lightly. I wish you could luck in making future writings even better, though. Keep working on it, search for assistance in groups, and check your work. (FYI; OC stories hardly ever go over well. Like this one, they tend to be over-done, cliche, and dull. It is in your bet interest to steer clear of that type of story, unless you're able to create interesting and in-depth characters with an important story to be told.) Anyway, good luck! <3
~Harmony
More like the journey ends.
I laughed at the names. Fucking Brian and Clair. Fucking Brian!?
Oh goody joy, another one of these!
You forgot the self-insert tag.
Um... grammar? You should definitely get an editor, but the story itself has a decent premise. *cough cough icouldeditforyou cough cough*
-S
Read the story the pups name are good but the parents are very unoriginal . And the charter in this story seem to agree to everything to easily . Like peppermint she like sure I'll go out my way to teach this kid and stuff. And how does the timberwolf know how to read things . Also of course editing. There's a group I forgot what it was called something editing. U out ur story there and someone edits it for you out of kindness
8361027
they know how to read because they were taught by the one who brought aqua into the forest before the story began they were friends for years before the story started
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8329845
thank you all for the info and positive comments
8329845
Hey, at least the OC isn’t some metal-loving edgy teenager right?
8445821
I just found the story i had never read it
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