Daybreaker was nothing more than a dark memory built with fear and worry. A disgusting monster unfit to exist in the real worl and too shameful for a princess to understand. But what if she was given the chance to live?

world*

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DANG IT

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XD
good luck on story!

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Thanks for pointing that out.

How the heck did I miss it?

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Thank you. I hope it pleases a few readers.

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tell me about it! I'm trying my best on my story to!

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no prob!

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What story is that? I am curious.

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on my other account, https://www.fimfiction.net/story/375839/new-world fallout based.

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I will be reading it then!!!

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oh thank you!!!

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This is going to lead to a poltergeist type situation.

I liked. I'm anxious to know what will happen.

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Thanks a bunch.

Good start.

Eat that, Celestia. I have a friend and I will not use him!

This declaration has already made Daybreaker a much better person than Celestia could ever hope to be.

Done in the Help My Lonely Soul style, nice. The is one of his better stories and I believe this one of yours might end up with it

Looks good keep it up

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Nah. I doubt it. But is it really? I spent all day working on this, jogging through what I wrote on paper before putting it on notepad.

If this is similar then I am taking it down and kicking my own ass.

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Well I put that because I thought about the mane six and discord.

I mean think about, they are her "friends" but do her dirty work when trouble arises.

Different circumstances, but the parallels are close. They both stand alone. Keep going with it. You have a very good start with this one

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Yeah, but what if moderators disapprove?

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It may look good, but the numbers say differently. I was honestly hoping to see this featured or with many likes after putting all day and all my effort in it.

Kind of disappointed in myself. Where did I mess up?

It's not a copy with you just changing characters. There are so many different circumstances that they are two separate stories. It's a plot style that's all

Newest story? awesome.

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I hope so. I am actually very concerned now.

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It's not that you "messed up", when someone, whoever that someone is, brings up the name of a beloved person, Zamairiac in this case, then there will be people who will either like the story, written under the name of the beloved author in question, and there are people who will simply dislike the story because they feel that no one will ever come close to Zamairiac.

Let time pass for a month or two and maybe, it will get better, maybe it won't.

But you should also remember that, despite the fact that you are a popular author here, doesn't mean that each story you write will go in the featured box. I don't want to seem rude with my statement, but not everything popular stories write are an instant success with huge amounts of views and upvotes.

Dude just calm down. Its all good. When you get to my age you learn a thing or two. The biggest is to not sweat the little things. I've read a lot of your stories and honestly, this is one of the better first chapters you have. Keep writing and time will tell.

Keep it coming!!

Now this looks rather interesting. Is it bad that I hope she can walk past something and consciously light it afire with her mane?

The plot is decent so far, and I'll follow this, but your sentence rhythm is off. Much like singing, speaking has patterns. It ebbs and flows from sentence to sentence and within a sentence, and if it isn't written properly the words become difficult to read.

Take this first paragraph:

It was lifeless within the drifting sea of memories. Save the constant annoyance of seeing those of her softer self playing the kind and benevolent mare that remains a doormat for nobles to step on. The sound of water was the only good thing to hear.

While I can understand what you're getting at, the sentences aren't properly broken up and that last sentence is confusing. Take a look at what happens when I move a few things around.

The drifting sea of memories was utterly lifeless, save for the constant annoyance of watching her softer self playing the kind and benevolent mare. Does she not understand she is nothing more than a doormat for the nobles to wipe their hooves on? The sound of the gently cresting waves provided the only source of relief.

In particular, look at what I did to the first two sentences. I reversed the order of the noun and the adjective, then spliced it onto the first half of the following sentence. I then took the second half of that second sentence and expanded it into a complete thought of its own. I also rewrote the last sentence because the current form isn't clear. When you're talking about mental constructs you need to specify when you're being literal. Notice how the entire paragraph now flows much more smoothly and is easier to say out loud.

That last part is the key to good writing. The spoken and written word are not as detached as they might appear: a good sentence in written form is a good sentence in spoken form, and vice versa. If you stumble over yourself or feel the need to correct the text when you read aloud, something is wrong.

While I only dissected the first paragraph, this is a consistent problem throughout the chapter. Please go back and rearrange the sentence breaks and order. You don't need to change any plot points, just fix the way you convey them.

I'm touched that people still seem to like my work, and are inspired by it to write their own.

It's good to see that you've learned from me and seek to improve continuously. Keep it up my friend and one day I'll be a footnote in history behind a much greater author ;)

Gotta admit, i was waiting for something like this.

May the story only improve, My Friend.

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not going to lie daybreaker was dawwww in this chapter. warm pony snuggles is best snuggles

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Thank you.

as of this comment I haven't read it but already like it.

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I appreciate the compliment, but let's be realistic with one another. You have a powerful talent in writing.

As for myself, it is working hard and learning from mistakes. I cannot compare to you when it comes to writing.

The best I hope for is at least making a phenomonal story.

I'm intrigued, definitely tracking this one. The opening chapter looks well done, this Daybreaker is interesting and am genuinely curious to see where the plot and the characters will go.

I loved Zamairiac's version of this story and I love your's too :D
Very good start and so far no spelling mistakes (that I've seen).
Though if this is gonna be a romance story then somehow Daybreaker will need to 'tame' her mane to not burn people, otherwise snuggling will be annoying.
Keep up the awesome work though!

Why is this rated m?

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Because there will be dark moments of Daybreaker burning or melting things and intimacy between her and Nick.

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Explicit or neutral intimacy?

Following this story either way, just intrigued.

This is interesting so far. I have one question to ask myself, WHY DO I KEEP THINKING STORIES ARE BAD JUST BY DESCRIPTION AND TITLE?!?!?!? THIS IS A RECURRING PROBLEM!!!

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Explicit in the future

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*Grins*

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Problem? No - it's your subconsciousness gives you a little greeting.

Because you've read bad stories with "bad" names and descriptions it assumes another will be as bad as it looks.

.....mine did the same, but I've already liked some stories from SayanUltima, so I gave this one a chance.

Good start, for the most part. Nick calling her beautiful is a bit of a stretch, and takes away the later element of discovering if he's attracted to her. Also, him deciding to cuddle with her in less than 30min of meeting each other? I know he still has the 'this is me hallucinating' excuse, but I still think cuddling with a flaming horse illusion that feels like it can burn you is the last thing I'd do if I weren't a brony.

But, still. I like the premise.

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True. Very true. But the cuddling I was going for as it being winter and he has no heat' and he basically fell to her warmth when he hugged her.

It is stretch nonetheless.