Mane-iac couldn’t tell what was worse, the pain of being outwitted once again or the pain upon impact of falling into a dumpster. She could still move her limbs around so nothing appeared to be broken but she’d probably have some nasty bruises for a couple of days.
It was only when there was a flash of green light as a portal suddenly appeared in the alleyway and a figure stepped that Mane-iac figured out there was something worse than her two other options. “You seem worse for ware,” Matterhorn says as she approached the villain.
A small chuckle escaped Mane-iac’s lips. “Come to gloat before you take me away?”
“No, though I am glad to see you haven’t caused too much trouble here,” Matterhorn replied as she glanced around the alleyway. “Of course, you were never meant to be here in the first place.”
“Oh I noticed…” Mane-iac said as she managed to roll off the top of the dumpster and fell onto the ground, coughing slightly. “Still…before I go…there’s just one last thing…”
“Mane-iac, don’t bother,” Matterhorn warned her. “It’s over.”
“Oh really? We’ll see about that!” Mane-iac had grabbed the flask in her pocket and tried to throw into Matterhorn’s face…only to miss her by about three inches. “…Goddamnit!” she snapped in frustration as she sat on the ground and crossed her arms. “Well go ahead and beat me up like you always do.” Matterhorn didn’t move. “Well what are you waiting for, get on with it!”
“No.”
Mane-iac raised an eyebrow in confusion. Matterhorn sighed. “We’ve been doing this for a long time Mane-iac, and there’s going to come a point whether I end up killing you or you end up killing me. I realize now that you take pleasure in chaos because you’re alone and you need a friend. I value friendship more than anything not just because it’s the right thing but because it made me a better person. I don’t know what happened that day to cause you to turn your life around the way you did but…I want to help you and perhaps we can help one another.” She then kneeled down next to her foe and extended her hand. “What do you say?”
Mane-iac looked at her and then down to her hand, the look of surprise never leaving her face. She then gently swatted her hand away. “No.” She then got up slowly as she coughed again slightly from the pain. “No. I’m sorry but…it’s too late for me now.” She then turned around and looked towards the sky. “But you know…even though I haven’t been here that long, I think I’ve had enough of this place…”
Matterhorn smiled slightly. “Nothing compares to Maretropolis does it?”
Mane-iac smiled in return. “I suppose you’re right…” She turned around to face her foe. “Very well Matterhorn…let’s go home…”
The two of them walked back towards the open portal. “By the way, are you curious to know what my diabolical plan was this time?”
“Not really but I suppose I’ll humor you just this one time…”
“Well, I can honestly say that was quite the night,” Principal Celestia said as she and the others were standing outside the concert hall.
“You’re telling me,” Luna said. “I didn’t realize waving a baton around was so complicated.”
Both their counterparts started laughing. “Here we thought we knew each other so well,” Princess Celestia said. “But it seems we were mistaken.”
“Yes, you couldn’t have gotten us up on that stage so easily,” Princess Luna commented.
“How did you even get backstage?” Sunset asked.
“When I gave Vinyl a call to borrow her and her equipment, she said she had a friend who had a key to the back entrance of the building,” Rarity said. “That made getting the equipment inside much easier.”
“And let me guess, you hooked up the equipment to the speakers?” Twilight asked.
“Indeed and it’s a good thing too,” Celestia said. “If we were even a second too late it might’ve been the end.”
“We…and I mean Twilight of course almost had a heart attack,” Princess Luna grinned.
Twilight glared up at her. “It’s not funny.”
“Well, I’m just glad that’s over,” Applejack said. “I wonder where that Mane-iac went.”
Suddenly Rainbow Dash zoomed up right next to her. “She wasn’t back there.”
“There’s no way she could walk off a fall that easily,” Sunset stated.
“Well, when I got over there, I just saw a flash of green light before it disappeared,” Rainbow said. “Maybe she went back to where she belonged.”
“I’m willing to accept that,” Rarity said.
“So now what?” Sunset asked.
Princess Twilight looked to both Celestia and Luna. “Well…we probably need to get home,” she said. “Now that Mane-iac is gone maybe the portal started working again.”
“Aw, but we were gonna celebrate,” Pinkie whined.
“Well…the night is still young,” Princess Celestia said. “What do you think Luna? Do you think you can wait another hour before raising the moon?”
“I think I can handle it,” Luna smiled.
“Well in that case, I say this calls for pizza,” Principal Celestia said. “You’re all welcome to come by our place!”
“Hell yeah!” Rainbow said.
The Princess of Friendship smiled. “Alright, alright, I suppose one hour couldn’t hurt…”
Celestia and Luna decided to go all out, getting two pizzas, a box of chicken wings, two sodas and two of those lava cakes that everyone likes. Pinkie chipped in with some desserts of her own as well as providing her playlists that played throughout the entire house. Okay, maybe the whole event lasted over an hour but who was counting.
“So, I never asked but…how did you take the news?” Princess Twilight asked Sunset as the two of them were hanging out in the kitchen.
“Oh, with Celestia?” Sunset chuckled slightly. “It was…interesting. Without my new powers I probably wouldn’t have known but…we talked about stuff and…I think we’re good now.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Twilight said. “She’s really wanted to see you.”
“Yeah…” Sunset took a sip of soda. Suddenly Applejack, Pinkie, and Rarity came into the room and they were all snickering. “What…what’s going on?”
“Well…” Applejack began.
“Vice-Principal Luna just invited Rainbow Dash back to her room,” Rarity giggled slightly.
“And it’s funny because I think Rainbow Dash totally has the hots for Luna!” Pinkie finished.
Twilight suddenly spit out the soda she was about to swallow and started coughing. “W-What!?”
“Oh no…” Sunset snickered. “You don’t think…?”
“Mmmmhhmmm,” Rarity responded.
“Like what you see?” Luna grinned.
Oh Rainbow didn’t like, she loved what she was seeing. “Ohmygosh ohmygosh!” She stared at the entire entertainment system. “This is awesome!”
“Thank you,” Luna said. “Considering it’s summertime I won’t be as busy with schoolwork so…if you’re ever interested in coming over…”
“I’ll be here in a heartbeat!”
“I thought you’d say that,” Luna grinned. “So…what should we play first?”
After two hours, Twilight was starting to get anxious, even though she didn’t want the party to end right away. “Don’t worry Twilight, I’m sure Equestria will still be in one piece once we get home,” Princess Celestia assured her.
Saying goodbye was never fun but Twilight knew they’d all see each other again. “Well, that was definitely one of the more…stranger adventures I’ve ever been on,” she said. “I wish we could stay but…”
“We know, duty calls,” Rarity said.
“It truly was a pleasure to meet you two,” Principal Celestia said. “I just hope we didn’t end up causing any trouble in the castle.”
“Oh don’t worry, it’s nothing they haven’t dealt with before,” Princess Celestia laughed.
“I hope you can come by sometime Princess,” Luna grinned. “I think you and I have a score to settle.”
“Very well, I’ll make sure to check my calendar,” Princess Luna smiled. “Just be ready to meet thy doom.”
The girls all shared one last hug. “You know, it’s still kind of weird hugging yourself, you know?” Twilight asked.
“Oh trust me, I feel the same way,” Princess Twilight said with a slight smile.
“We can drive you back to the school,” Celestia offered as she took out her keys.
The five of them made their way towards the car before Princess Celestia stopped and turned around. “Sunset? Have you made your decision?”
Sunset suddenly looked uncomfortable as six pairs of eyes stared at her. “Well…”
“I understand if you still need some time of course,” Celestia said.
“Oh come on Sunset,” Rainbow grinned. “Go ahead. It’s home after all right?”
“Wait…you’re all okay with this?” Sunset asked.
“Of course we are,” Fluttershy said. “We want you to be happy.”
“Yes darling, its your real home after all,” Rarity said.
“Yeah, plus its not like you won’t be able to come back!” Pinkie assured her.
“Just make sure you do before another crisis comes around,” Applejack said with a wink.
“Well…in that case…” Sunset then grabbed her bag and took out her notebook before handing it to Twilight. “Here. If you write in this you can contact either me or Twilight and we’ll be here in a flash.”
“Oh…thank you,” Twilight said as she took the book. “But why me?”
“You’re pretty much the leader now,” Sunset grinned. She glanced over at Princess Twilight. “That’s how it is in our world anyway.”
Twilight smiled and nodded. “Well in that case…hopefully I won’t have to use it.”
There was again another hug before Sunset went to join the others. “So…this is really happening?” Princess Twilight asked.
“Yep, it’s happening,” Sunset smiled.
Twilight suddenly laughed gleefully as she gave her friend a hug, one that was almost choking the poor girl. “This is great! I can show you all of Ponyville, my friends there, my former student and then maybe a magic duel!”
“A magic duel? Seriously?” Sunset asked.
“Actually I’d like to see that for myself,” Princess Celestia said. “But let’s head home before we get carried away.”
The six of them got into the car and soon they drove off. “You know sister, I was just thinking of something,” Princess Luna said. “We may not see these two for awhile, you know, since life at the castle can be quite a hassle at times. I figured we could give these two one last thing to remember us with?”
“What did you have in mind?” Princess Celestia asked.
“Well, I think we both have the hang of using magic here now and…well since Luna’s driving I’m sure she’d enjoy this…could we spare a few minutes?”
“Hmm…very well.”
“Wait a moment, what are you two-? Twilight started to say but Sunset laughed.
“Just go with it Twilight.”
Both princesses snapped their fingers at the exact same time and suddenly the car started to float into the air. As it lifted up, it suddenly changed shape from a car to a spaceship from one of Luna’s video games.
“Oh hell yes!” Luna yelled as the ship suddenly zoomed off into the horizon.
8219827
ITS NOT REAL!
Cute, short, and entertaining. Good fic mate
Great Story. But please tell me Sunset’s only returning to Equestria to visit? Also just a suggestion but how about a small side story about the Maneiac after she returned to her own world?
Nice ending. Maybe later you could consider a revised/expanded version of this story? There is a lot of potential to untap!
Batman joker referance caught, sneeky guy i just saw the clip yesterday on youtube
Well, I stuck with it to its inevitable conclusion, rushed as it turned out being. So much potential wasted, but I can understand and appreciate what you were aiming with. Flashes of inspiration have led to many an interesting idea, for many writers, sometimes they succeed beyond our wildest expectations and sometimes they fall a little flat.
I thank you for this opportunity to enjoy the work presented here. It was not what I was expecting or hoping, it included elements that I personally feel slowed down or completely derailed the entire narrative. Ironic really since I’m guilty of pulling the same stunt in the eyes of other readers on this site with my work. Perhaps that is why I recognized the same trap that I had fallen into and perhaps tried too hard at weaving an intricate plot through a storyline that was too complicated for its own good at times.
But that is neither here nor there. Pretty bad ending though, I mean, it doesn’t really fit in what canonically has been established for the magic of the EQG world or the sisters themselves. I hardly think Luna would be able to just ‘create/transmogrify’ an automobile into a spaceship. The magic in EQG does many unusual things, but it certainly never changed something’s function.
Decent enough effort in the end, I mean the grammar wasn’t terrible and I didn’t notice spelling mistakes or anything like that from what I can recall, so there is that going for you. It is just unfortunate the story did not go in the direction I was expecting or hoping.
8219968
Hmm...I'm considering it.
8219975
We still gotta beat Fake Fluttershy. We're gonna do it though!
8219979
I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts.
Well this is a pleasant ending.
Batman-Joker reference, Luna showing Rainbow her stuff rather than doing the restriction order, Sunset going home (if temporally) and Princess Luna offering magic reality augmented gameplay to Luna at the very end.
Yeah, I think this is a good place to end things. Though an epilogue as to what happens with that guy Luna clocked might be in order.
I .... I couldn’t do more than skim this chapter ... it was such a disappointment. I mean well you saw my rant last chapter. This just nailed it home.
A long description is a promise to your readers. And if this fic carried on longer, and carried through with what we were promised. It would have been great. But this entire fic in the last 4 chapters were an amazing let down. And drives the point that you seriously need an editor to filter your thoughts and actions on a fic. And help you make sure you’re keeping up with what you promised. Rather than doing a 180 before crashing and burning the story.
i.ytimg.com/vi/mS0P3C0y_go/hqdefault.jpg
8220097
The only thing I promised was that this would be a COMEDY (can't make it any bigger) and that it would have two Princesses and two principals. This was the plan from the start so all I can say is perhaps I should've worded the description different but the only other thing I can say is this:
Everything went wrong.
8220059
I did it?
8220097
you gotta have some plot m8
8220136
^ pretty much this
you expected far too much - we weren’t disappointed, you were
and now everything can go back to the way it was
kind of
at least until the sequel(?)
8220159
We'll see.
8220136
1) There wasn’t much funny about any of this story, I didn’t laugh out loud once. It’s a really poor attempt at a comedy, the most comedic thing happening was when Twilight started stressing out after she found out the Princesses and Principals switched.
2) If this was the plan all along than you really needed more foreshadowing to the Power Ponies characters being involved. The narrative leaps suddenly from a Parent Trap styled ‘twins swap places’ story into a ‘magical complications result from a sudden oddly shoehorned Power Ponies are real in some dimension and have somehow sent their greatest nemesis to the EQG world by mistake thing’.
Considering how many folks loved what they got I guess the story succeeded in pleasing some folks, however there are going to be those people who ‘expect’ a certain type of story based on the events from the description and how the story starts out with a simple ‘characters decide to swap places’ trope.
Considering how many dislikes my comments have gotten however I don’t believe my constructive criticism is making much of a difference. I do apologize for being a downer folks, but it is common for commenters to explain themselves and where they came from when discussing a piece of fanfiction like this.
8220187
All I can say is that's your opinion.
8220190
Yep, it certainly is. An opinion I’m not alone in having judging by some of the other commenters, however still just one faceless internet person’s opinion.
8220157
Yes plot. Which we didn’t get the last 4 chapters.
We were promised hijinx and shenanigans from those two trading places. Which magical hijinx can (and does) cover thousands of different fics. And was the plot to start with. Trading places fics. At the same time are inherently interesting. Randomly shifting to whatever the hell those last 4 chapters were. With no lead up. Is not plot. That’s poor writing. And was nowhere near what we as readers were promised.
8220136
No what you promised was a trading places fic. Where the two of them experience life as one another (barely passed that) and 30 problems (which promised hijinx (implied), but never done.).
We barely get to see them experience anything (thus the promise written in the long description. Is never given. Since they barely do anything). And the hijinx of humans having access to magic they have no idea how to weild (which literally can cover tons of fics by themselves. And are hilarious fics when you have inexperienced ponies with magic (like the thousands of filly Twilight / Sunset fics). And trading places fics are inherently amusing as well as a cool trope.).
But yes. Everything went wrong. But honestly. If this fic hadn’t ended as it did. And you simply tossed Mane-iac out. Or even just utterly deleted those chapters. This fic would have been salvageable. I mean. This is one of those fics that actually does need to be 100k+; it needs a series of misadventures and hijinx where both parties mangle getting the hang of being the other (just watch EQG. And see how much difficulty Twilight had coming over).
Yes. The portal being blocked could have been a great literary device. Which is why until this story ended on that note (and for some reason you had to drag everyone into that universe). I was willing to ignore it. Lots of fics have short moments where it’s just not as good as the rest of the story. And it (usually) can be salvaged.
But we really didn’t get a comedy either. At least not near the end. It started great. And then yeah. Everything burned. If this fic wasn’t over, the last few chapter erased. This fic could still be the awesomeness that it had the potential of being (and was when it started off. Until you threw in Power Ponies out of nowhere).
Solution to the problem, and how to make this fic as awesome as it could have been:
Heck as I said above. Blocking the portal could have been a good literary device. After all Twilight forced open a jury rigged perma-gate. That’s got to have some consequences to the 30 moon (and at least in human terms. That’s ~30 months (one moon is one lunar cycle. Or about 29.5 days)). So you know. Believable. And would have trapped the two in both worlds.
Heck, forcing them to adapt (and have Sunset use the book to communicate with Twilight) to each others lives. Would have been amusing. With lots of potential. Forcing them to explore how to be human (and all the pratfalls and shenanigans that went with that) and the humans - turned - ponies to learn magic. From Twilight. Who’d basically be dealing with ponies who knew less than a pony who was in Magic Kindergarten. Would have been even more hilarious.
While both sides thought of a solution. And ending on a high note. That would have been great.
8220187
Actually all your points are spot on and valid. Heck even if the author trashed the last four chapters. And just had it blocked because Twilight’s jury rigged portal messed with the natural 30 moon recharge rate. Then this could be what was written and promised. A body swap, trading places fic.
Which is where the author failed at. It actually started promising. Sure the “game” would have been better ponified, seeing as Discord already does something similar with his RPG games with the guys. But all in all. Not bad, for a fic just starting. But where as this fic had me excited for the potential. It was destroyed by a non-foreshadowed Power Pony fic (that ended horribly), had no segue, and destroyed what could have been salvageable (probably) fic by ending it there.
8220190
He’s right. Accept this with some grace. Resisting valid criticism that is not an attack against you has always been frowned on in this community.
This was a trading places fic, and then out of nowhere the entire plot derailed into a Power Ponies fic. You could have written two stories with the material here and I can tell you both would have been well-received. A Power Ponies-in-EQG adventure fic by you would be lovely, and one I would read - you have a lot you can improve on, but it would still be enjoyable to read. But this was the Celestia-Luna trading places comedy fic, and that stopped being a thing halfway through, and ended poorly. You are human, you make mistakes. Those mistakes can expand to include planning and execution. I am going to assume that is what happened here.
Stiff upper lip, take what you learned from this, and make the next one knock it out of the park - tick all the checkboxes. I certainly believe you can do it.
8220309
8220257
No you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed to meet expectations. I'll try to make it up to you guys somehow.
However, I'm not going to change this because I don't believe it's fair to those who did enjoy it as it is. I'm willing to admit I got a little carried away with the plot. That one's on me. I'm just grateful for the support this fic got.
8220323
No need to change this one. As a reading experience it was jarring, but it is what it is.
Show us more stories, Fox.
8220323
Well the easiest fix. Would either keep it on the end and throw on a “Bonus Chapter: Alt Ending Pt. 1 - X”. Or remove the “complete” to “incomplete” and have some other reason to carry on the fic / some reason for them to switch places again:
- They never really got to experience the other world.
- There are people that they never got to really talk to / learn from.
- Some other reason for the switch.
---------------
With the first one. You can keep the ending you have. And move onto an alt path where we get the body switch. Live each others lives fic. Shenanigan / Long Description following fic. With the later. We have a few botched / very jarring chapters. But we get more that can salvage the story this could have been and has the potential to be if it wasn’t for the fact you ended it where you ended it.
8220010 If you revise/expand the fic in a longer version, one thing is slow down the rhythm a bit - for example:
- You could make that the princesses and the principals plan to trade places for a week, instead of a single day - that would give them time for a few pranks/shenanigans in each’s other worlds. Maybe such shenanigans and misunderstating create a situation in Equestria/EQG world that need the Princesses/Principals (per example, the Princesses’s behavior in EQG World give an opportunity for Cinch put CHS in trouble) - so when they go switch back, they realize that the portal is malfuncting... and now have to fix the problem with their own knowledge...
- Maybe Twilight is aware from start that the princesses are switching places, but since she realizes that Celestia want see Sunset, she kept her silence... that get blown sky high with the malfunction. Now she have to help the “Princesses” and find a way to find the portal... when she tries something to bypass the problem, it sent the Principals back to the EQG World...
- If you keep the Mane-iac, reveal her little by little - make that someone came from the portal, and she began to build her criminal gang in the EQG World, with a longer crime spree. The Rainbooms connect the dots and try face her, but maybe their powers don’t quite work, because the Mane-iac isn’t from any world... so they need the help of the Princesses to face the supervillain (with the right of a magic battle). An alternative is that someone got hands in a bit of Equestrian Magic and brought the Mane-iac from a comic book, and the process damaged the portal somehow...
These are some ideas that maybe could be useful.
That the end? I would love an epilogue...
8220440
These are good ideas. However, the only issue I have with longer stories is that a lot of times I develop what I call "mental fatigue" where I just don't feel like working on it anymore. Crystal Prep was an exception because I kept the plot relatively simple.
I dunno, I'll think about it. I already have a couple more chapters for this planned (for laughs) but if I do revise this, it probably won't be any time soon.
8220451
Well you're in luck!
8220451
yes! the Moon Bringers must do Glorious battle!
8220457
Such speed!
8220472
I could make an entire fic for that.
Very tempting.
8220457
Like what Aurora said, even if this story didn’t turn out all it could be, you seem to be a pretty good writer and we would love to see more of your stories
Sunset going back to Equestria is a new one for these fics
I would like the Princesses to turn my truck into the Milenam Falcon Plz
Batman the killing joke?
*twitch*
*twitch*
*twitch*
You just said something was more stranger.
More. Stranger.
Look at what you’ve done. You broke Twilight Sparkle! You must fix it now!
Oooorr... you could leave it like that and see how long it takes her to recover?
That’s mean, Dashie. So mean.
Luna invited Dash to her room... for a game session. All who thought anything else need to get their minds out of the gutter
So, Sunset decided to get back to Equestria, and that decision was quite quick. Then again, she can come back at any time so it’s not as if she was ditching her friends.
Welp, the princesses certainly know how to make human Luna happy. Hell, I’d be happy if I experienced that myself
Did...... did you just reference The Killing Joke at the beginning there?
8220645
... I'd settle for a little more torque in my truck. 510 ft/lb is not quite enough.
8220901
How was I supposed to word it!?
8221482
Fairly certain Stranger itself implies more, the word more would be superfluous and unnecessary.
Most spell checks will highlight this as a grammar problem, I should know I've committed the sin while writing enough times to get hit with that silly blue/green squiggly line telling me I done f'ed up.
8221482
More strange is correct. More stranger is like saying something is more more strange.
Still a fun story. I had to tease you, though.
8221389
I noticed that too! Well done author.
Alright! Book 2 right?
Batman: The Killing Joke
Possible reference??? I hope that's a reference. cause if it is, that's f***ing awesome.
8219878
You've raised my hopes and then dashed them expertly sir, Bravo.
8237197
Even if it was he specifically said it would loud your computer with viruses
Honestly, reading all of this, it felt like watching a movie almost, especially with the little links to the YouTube videos you had in there. This was an amazing story; I'm looking forward to more!