"I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss. I see the lives for which I lay down my life, peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy. I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts, and in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence. It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."
Chrysalis has been under the training of Twilight Sparkle for two months now. She's found something, a true purpose.
Unfortunately, Celestia is still wary about her, and is making sure that the master of deception has really changed.
In the distance, an old friend has heard news of Chrysalis's dethronement, and is finally given the incentive to act a plan he's been preparing for decades.
Chrysalis must finally show the world she's prepared to change. That she'll be more than a hero.
Hiya - sorry, just a note on your description; I think you mean Celestia is still wary about her, rather than weary as in tired?
You've set quite a few very interesting things in motion here. One complaint I'd have is how you've written Celestia and Chrysalis. I know Chrysalis is reformed, but even if she were a 'good guy', her words would still have that bite to them. You know, that flare she adds to things? Like how Discord talks; he still sounds the same despite being reformed. Dunno, just a nit pick on that one. 10/10 for that little bit at the end of her getting locked up, licking the guard. That was very much like Chrysalis. As for Celestia... she's VERY OOC, or out of character. She's not calm and composed like she always is, and I've never even considered her to by the type to even hazard the word 'stupid' when addressing someone else. I understand what you're doing; its a flip flop in roles, she's the antagonist... but the problem is she isn't Celestia. If you were to change things, I'd say just make her less... nippy. Kinder, I suppose.
Second, the swap from first to third person was a bit... odd, but you handled it well, and I didn't actually notice the change in perspective until I was done reading. I'm giving you a big plus for that, since first person is hard to do well in the first place, anyway.
Also, it was well written, and I didn't find many glaring spelling or grammar errors. I'm no guru, as I'm sure there's a comma here or there that's wrong, but nothing caught my eye, so A+ on that.
Another thing; scene building. I was a bit confused in the very last bit as to where they all were. Initially I imagined an alley way, because that's where I'd expect to see three Changelings murder a pony, but then all of a sudden they're on a cliff. I guess... just add a line or two as the scene starts describing the world around them.
One last thing; good detail of saying how her flanks were "blacker than usual" because of Philomena. That established that Chrysalis still looks the same as opposed to looking like your cover photo, because if she looked like the photo in the story in the events shown, I'd be even more suspicious of Celestia; how are you gonna lock up bright, shiny Chrysalis?
Overall, I liked this a bit more than I thought I would, and you set up something big. Good luck in your future endeavors.
Interesting start. I shall await and see how the tale unfolds.
Not too shabby so far. By the way, where did you get that cover art?
? This chapter confused me multiple times. I don't get what they were doing at the start or why Celestia was acting that way.
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I'm sorry to hear that. If you want, can you PM me what was confusing? I need all the criticism I can get to become a better writer.
More please.
No, Chryssie, didn't give in to friendship, you dunt want to look like a child are some crayons and then barfed them back out!
To away, Sunbutt, nobody likes you.
Licky - Licky. Bonus points of she has a very long and prehensile tongue.
That ending was ominous.
D: They're trying to put the blame on Chryssie!
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
Normally I hate the pastel look of the reformed changelings, but Chryssi looks really pretty in that art. Just needs a crown though!
The story's beginning is probably the best part: it avoided feeling rushed by starting "in medias res" and only lasting a short time; otherwise I suspect it would feel as rushed as the rest of the story. The parts where Chrysalis is in jail clash with the seriousness of what is going on elsewhere; that sort of contrast can be done well but it's very hard when the scenes are so brief and have so little transition. You could have spent more time showing us what she was thinking ("I wonder how Twilight's doing on the rescue") rather than giving a random guard a tongue bath. The introduction of the villainous faction felt very abrupt, and the rest of their scenes felt rushed. Cadance and Shining Armor were pretty blah. I think the idea has promise but I can't say I'm going to mourn the apparent death of this story very hard or very long. Good try. Aside from being incredibly rushed, it wasn't terrible, though there were some mistakes.