You’re my favorite Princess ever! : Adopt
Celestia’s sun had just begun to rise, and the ponies were all helping out to wrap up the Nightmare Night Festival. A certain dark blue alicorn was using her magic to help clear the decorations. She was a nocturnal pony however, and somnolence was starting to kick in. She started to dose off slightly, snapping back to consciousness when she felt a light pull on her tail. She turned her head around, and it was none other than the only foal who dared to pull a royal Princess’ mane and tail.
"Princess Luna, are you going to stay here in Ponyville?"
"I’m sorry fellow villager, I have to go back to Canterlot, where I belong."
"Oh, okay." Pipsqueak walked away looking dejected.
Luna just looked at the young colt walk away. A stream of thoughts passed through her head.
Besides Twilight Sparkle, he was one of the only ponies she had conversations with. Twilight was friendly and all, but Luna felt an unexplainable happiness every time she was with him. He was so innocent and adorable. Besides Celestia, he was the only pony who embraced her with a hug, although it was on her hooves, Luna appreciated it greatly all the same.
It was now or never. Luna did not even knew the little pony's name, and if she went back to her home in Canterlot, she might never see him again. It would be a devastating waste to lose this valuable friend.
"Neigh, child, wait!’’ Luna called out to the colt.
"Yes, Princess Luna?"
"What is thy name?"
"It’s Pipsqueak the pirate!’’ he exclaimed, drawing out his rubber sword with his mouth, and swinging it in the air.
Luna’s heart melted at the sight of that. It showed his innocence, just enjoying life for what it was.
"Well, Pipsqueak. Dost thou live here in Ponyville?"
"Yup, ever since I moved to here from Trottingham." Pip replied.
"Why did thou move to Ponyville?
"Well, I.. errr.." Pip stammered, trying to hide his sadness.
Luna went beside him and sat down. She put a hoof over Pipsqueak, giving him a comforting pat on the back.
"Something happened to my family back in Trottingham, so now I am alone in Ponyville." The little pony gave Luna a gloomy look.
Luna was shocked at what she just heard. It was the one thing she hated the most. Being alone. She of all ponies would know the hollow feeling of being alone, and she definitely would not want Pip to feel the same thing. Now she was living with her sister, but Pip had nopony to live with at all. One part of her wanted to know what exactly happened to his family, while another did not want him to be hurt by her questions any further. The alicorn decided to go with the latter.
"Hey Princess Luna, do you want to come and see my house?"
"Yes, but please, call me Luna."
At this, Pipsqueak gave a huge smile and began galloping away. Luna followed him, and they stopped at a small one bedroom house located a few houses away from Sugarcube Corner.
Pipsqueak arrived at a meager shack. He opened the door, and trotted in. Luna followed suit, and the sight before her tore her up on the inside. It was just a small room no larger than her own bathroom. There were only two things : An old mattress and a rectangular wooden chest. There was another door, leading to an extremely cramped toilet. It was nothing compared to her royal bedroom in Canterlot.
Pipsqueak sat on his mattress, smiling at Luna.
"So how do you find my house?" Pip asked.
"It’s beautiful..." Luna tried to fake a smile.
"I'm glad you like it!’’ He beamed. Luna instantly felt horrible for lying to the foal. A sloppy yawn suddenly escaped her mouth, indicating her drowsiness.
"I’ll have to fly off to Canterlot now.’’ Luna said with fatigue in her voice. She dreaded the idea of having to fly back all the way from Ponyville to Canterlot.
"Hey Luna, wanna stay for a sleep over?’’
Luna thought about it for awhile. She knew this would make her sister worry, but she definitely liked the idea of spending the night somewhere else besides home today.
"Yes. We..i mean, I would love to stay.’’ exclaimed the blue alicorn.
At that, Pipsqueak jumped around in excitement, claiming how fun it was going to be. Luna just smiled at the excited colt. Eventually after some time, he stopped.
"I’m going to take a shower first." At this, Pip removed his Nightmare Night costume, and placed it in his chest. Luna managed to take a sneak peek at what was inside. There was only a small set of clothes and a bag of apples. Luna watched as he took a small towel and headed for the toilet, closing the door between them.
"Today is going to be the best day ever!'' Pip squealed in excitement. He already had a mental plan of what to do with his favorite Princess. They would play hoove games, and he would show her a front flip on the mattress, a trick he learned while he was bored at home. Princess Luna's going to love it! he thought.
A stream of thoughts and questions passed through Luna's head again. What happened to his family? Who would pay his bills? What would he eat after the apples are gone? How long will he live here? How can I help him live in a better house? Another yawn escaped her mouth, interrupting her thoughts. She sat on the mattress. It was not half as comfortable as her bed in Canterlot, but it was okay for now. While waiting for Pip, she let her back fall on the sofa, staring into the ceiling. A few more thoughts came to her again, but soon enough she became too tired to entertain any of them. Everything was drifting away slowly now, her vision slipping out of focus…
Pip came out of the toilet, feeling fresh as ever. He was disappointed however, when he saw Luna already fast asleep. He wanted to play a few games before bedtime. He decided to sleep too, positioning himself next to Luna.
"Goodnight, Luna" he whispered quietly, before dozing off into a deep sleep.
Bravo, good sir! I applaud a job well done! Do keep this up, old chap. I' love to see more.
Cute, just needs a few commas here and there, but this is adoreable!
good stuff, keep writing
(hold it in.......hold it in.....cant hold it.cant..hold.....it D,AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW
Wow, this has potential to be a truly touching story. Here's to hoping you can keep this up.
You seem to be mixing up "thou" and "thy" a few times. Remember that the former is usually used like "you" whereas the latter means "your."
I would also change Luna's question to "Dost thou live here in Ponyville?"
Other than that, looking good! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this!
This was rushed. I can tell; the scenes transitioned much too quickly. Also, study your Archaic English: "your" is "thine", not "thy". Luna also uses the royal 'we', so she uses 'us' instead of 'me'.
Error, errors, everywhere!
no...must...not...give...in... can't...hold...it DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!
Gonna have to agree with Cheese on this one. It feels a tad rushed, as well as there being no real depth (Luna really doesn't go into much thought on her decisions and such). The scene transitions, like Cheese said, are too abrupt. This could be a worth while story, but as it is, it feels a tad too plastic.
so.........awesome.......
cute
Good story, just at the end though I believe a small spelling error has happened where you've got Pip talking/narrating and put her & she instead of he when Pipsqueak describes himself.
Adorable, and shows promise, but I must also agree that it felt rushed. Something like this would benefit immensely from even a little introspection on the part of the characters.
This is pretty good, and since you asked for constructive crit I guess I'll leave some.
-Felt a little rushed. You could easily expand certain scenes and give them more depth.
-Gave too much away. [He honestly wished that she could be her new mother, but she shook that thought off, knowing it would be impossible]
I could instantly think of the rest of the novel here. While I know what you're going for, it's waaaaaay too predictable Sorry if that sounds a little harsh
-His bathroom had a shower? Apparently ramshackle huts have those these days >.> this is more of a suggestion. When I read bathroom I assumed only a toilet, especially since it was a residence with only a rectangular bed and a chest. While I could easily piece it together as any other reader could, maybe change it to "leading to an extremely cramped bathroom [which miraculously managed to host a shower]" or something along those lines. I dunno, maybe I'm just being nit picky on this one.
Other than that, no complaints, keep doin' what yer doin :)
asfirldasgfrja- *explodes*
hhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg
must.........suppress..............
must-
NO! DOCTEROCTAGONAPUS
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
very very good, four stars and tracking! Although, you mixed up Luna's 'Royal We' a few times, switching between it and normal speak. Otherwise, very very cute, very very good, very very tracking :)
"Something happened to my family back in Trottingham, so now I am alone in Ponyville.’’
This line is more than a bit awkward and in general the dialogue can be tightened up a bit.
But oh, my heart, is this adorable. And so sad, too! Keep this up!
Man, I want to see more of this story! Keep adding the chapters!
Squeeeeeee
Dawwwwwwwwwww. So, Fucking adorable. Pip the orphan living in a shack behind Sugar Cube Corner only to be adopted by the Princess of the Night. This was so heartwarming, sweet, well written and adorable. "You already said adorable." "FUCK YOU, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN!" I almost shedded manly tears*sniff* but didn't, now...ahem...I need to... punch some shit or build a mountain or something very manly like hang out with Kamina from Gurren Lagann. You deserve all the praise you get for this fic, five stars all the way.
If you continue this fic I'll pay you in fresh souls, SOULS I TELLS YOU!!!
Peace Out.
49945 I think his "Shower" was probably just a wooden tub with a hose or something. Or to put it more simply, a makeshift shower.
I demand you pay my hospital bills for this has caused my heart to fail me 3 times in an hour!
Haha thanks guys, sorry for the plastic story. Yes, it was very rushed. I'm editing it today.
Nice idea, I encourage you to please do keep up the good work upon such a interesting idea for a story.
He honestly wished that she could be her new mother, but she shook that thought off, knowing it would be impossible.
WUT. I didn't know Pip was a scallop.
Well it certainly has potential and that's saying A LOT about it.
its so beautiful *sheds manly tear*
fluttercry:
So adorable
I normally don't use the Orbital MOAR Cannon, But I DO however use this....
Orbital W00T Cannon Firing in
3
2
1
MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRr
...I sense impending diabeetus. *tracks*
Awww I cant wait for the next chapter it was so cute.
I haven't finished reading the chapeter yet but just a suggestion, when you're having a "stream of conciousness" or "thoughts" of a character, you should probably put it in first person, as if it was dialogue (just a suggestion)
I'm sorry i can't read over the fact that my heart is now failing.... But i will return from the grave with one thing in mind! the need for MAOR!!!
it's been said before, but it bares repeating. Adorable, d'awww, and moar plz!
Sounds interesting... Do continue .
my emotions
*Jams full insulin needle into heart and injects*
Hooo boy! That was sweet.
This story shows lots of promise. I'll keep an eye out for it.
You should submit it to Equestria Daily!
Keep up the work.
*Preps and injects another insulin needle*
You really wanna give Pipsqueak a hug after reading this. I don't think there'd be any actual conflict in Luna adopting him, Celestia is a kind and caring ruler and doubt she'd say no. Luna would most likely make a good mom and think conflict would exist when she has to attend to royal duties and can't spend much time if him, but other than that nothing really. Also I'm not looking forward to the sad reason behind Pip's parents' deaths, cause I don't wanna be on the verge of tears.
Please please please please PLEASE submit this to Equestria Daily!
i have to track this its just to cute
This is really cute, I'd love to see where this goes!
Cute but short. Yes I know this is only the first chapter, but when I say short I mean that the story leaps straight into the 'premise' with no adequate pacing. It doesn’t slow to allow for characterisation or a have prologue events to entice the reader and set the stage for the characters.
2.5 stars so far. It’s a nice story and I can see potential here, but it needs work.
It was alright, heh. Two stories featured and I can nearly do all my fics.
Well done, but I need more to establish a rating
49923 really... you again.... thats not possible
also good story
So adorable, I don't know if my heart is gonna survive the actual adoption. Ah hell I'll risk it, MOAR
Pretty cute and sweet, but feels rather rushed and underdevelopped.
I'd suggest exploring the characters' feelings more in the latter chapters.
49898
while that may be true, i dont think we should be overly critical here. There were errors, sure, but it's a great concept and i love the story.