Why aren't you quivering in fear? Cower! I am the reckoning of your very reality! Watch me dominate you with my magic! Any second now...
Calvin excitedly burst into his room with a charm from a dubious dealer who seemed to just want to get rid of their things. He didn't care much about that though, a magical charm, just like his OC had. Sure, it was a little bright and colorful, but supposedly it was magic nonetheless. He looked into the eyes of the picture of Tirek on the poster pinned to his wall. Maybe, just maybe he could be the successful version of that threatening of a character.
Calvin clutched the charm, "I, Calvin Clark, bear this charm. Its power is bestowed upon me, and I will use it for nothing but personal gain!"
The charm glowed until the room was bathed in white. Soon, it became impossible to see anything. Before long, everything faded to darkness. It was like that for a while, and Calvin wondered if the light had blinded him. Then, he opened his eyes and looked around. It was just he normal center of Ponyville, with a few mates scattered around, talking to each other.
"Wait, what?!?!" Calvin screamed aloud.
One of the mares walked over, "Oh, hello there. Are you okay?"
Calvin sat up, looking at his hooves, and back up at the mare.
"What the, where... how?!?! Ohhhh..." He had a sudden realization of what had happened.
The amulet must've transported him to Equestria as his Character. He was no longer Calvin Clark, average teen. He was Blood Moon, all powerful alicorn! He would be the first to completely take over Equestria.
The mare raised an eyebrow, "Did you hit your head or something?"
"Wait, why aren't you afraid of me?" Asked Blood Moon.
She only looked more confused, "Should I be? You seem pretty harmless to me."
"Harmless? Harmless?!?! I, the all powerful Blood Moon shall smite you for that little remark! All shall remember the day Blood Moon first started his calamity of all! You ponies shall grow to fear me!" Blood Moon felt power rising through his horn.
The mare began to laugh, "Oh I get it, you're a street comedian, right?"
"C-comedian?! How dare you! I will kill you! Right... now!" His horn sprayed a few sparkles into the air.
She chuckled more, "Good Luna, your act is amazing. You should go into professional comedy."
"Just... just wait a second, it's going to take a bit... I think..." Another poof sparked out of the horn and the power faded.
The mare laughed herself to coughing and pulled a few bits out, giving them to Blood Moon, "You're really good. Have these. I need to get to other things. Thanks for making me laugh.
Blood Moon pathetically watched the mare walk away. She wasn't afraid, or even the slightest bit uneasy. Not even the immense power of his magic could strike fear into her. What could he have been doing wrong? He stepped off of the bench and promptly fell flat on his face in the grass. Perhaps the first rule of order would be to learn how being a pony works, starting with standing and walking. He manipulated his hooves to support his weight, and shakily took a few steps. He started repeating his steps until he was slowly walking. Moon wondered where he might first go. He thought of where he lived, so he proceeded to the Everfree Forest.
Once he made his way to where his house would've been, he was shocked to see the empty space. He screamed in frustration, hearing his voice echo through the forest. A green set of glowing eyes opened in the shadows before him. It was a Timber Wolf. He began to sprint in the opposite direction, hearing its wooden paws thump against the ground behind him.
"HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! SOMEPONY HELP ME!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.
As he galloped into the town square of Ponyville, he heard a magical blast and wood splintering. He stopped and looked around to see what was a Timber Wolf smoldering on the ground, and a purple alicorn who had just taken it out.
She looked at him, "Are you okay?"
"Hahaha... heh..." Moon fainted.
Once he awoke, he felt an extremely comfortable bed and saw what looked to be a crystal room around him. Moon marveled at the architecture that he figured was naturally created, having watched the show. Slowly, he got out of the bed and shyly exited the room. Following corridors, he navigated the structure. Soon, it became apparent to him that he had no idea where in the castle he was. He heard a few noises from a nearby room and began to open its door. Once inside, he saw it was an enormous library. There were tall bookshelves all the way around the room. In the center was a circular table with the alicorn that had saved his life reading a book at it.
A baby dragon looked up at Moon, "Twilight? He's awake..."
"Oh, hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of friendship. I've never seen you around, what's your name?" Asked the mare.
Moon blushed at the mare, girls in the human world never really talked to him, "I-I'm Twil-err... Blood Moon. My name is Blood Moon. N-nice to meet you, Princess..."
"Nervous much?" Muttered the dragon under his breath.
Blood Moon glared at him, "Shut up!"
Twilight struggled to not laugh.
"Why does every single pony I meet have to laugh at me?" Moon sulked.
"You mean you're not a comedian?" Asked the dragon.
Moon had an idea, "Well, yeah, yeah I am, but I'm not always joking."
"Were you joking when you threatened BonBon earlier?" Asked Twilight.
He cleared his throat, "Yes. Yes I was, and she seemed to enjoy my act."
Moon stepped further inside and sat down next to Twilight.
"So, what are you reading?" Asked the stallion.
She smiled, "The newest A.K. Yearling book. Her own parody of Daring Do, Daring Don't."
"She wrote a parody of her own book?" He asked.
Twilight nodded, "She's never been known to take herself completely seriously, that's part of why she's a good author. It would never be this interesting if it were just a transcript of her adventures."
"Wait, are you saying they actually happened?" He acted intelligent, when in reality he had just remembered the show.
Twilight nervously laughed, "No, who ever said that? I didn't say that. Spike? Did you say that?"
"I don't have a place to stay..." Moon stated out of the blue.
Twilight's face straightened, "Well, I can provide a roof over your head, but I do expect you to pull your weight. Spike can tell you what chores to do and supervise. Alright?"
Moon nodded his head. Maybe, he would win Twilight over before taking over Equestria. He knew his empire did need an empress. Maybe his rule wouldn't be in solitude.
Well, that's not a bad start.
Keep it up!
8011480 thank you
8011485 will do
8011493 My only question is if he's even an alicorn at this point, seeing as nopony has said anything about it, as I would expect them to if one randomly showed up.
8011520 keyword "yet"
This is kind of... really predictable. Edgy black and red grimderp villain goes to Equestria and fails at everything. You aren't doing anything new or original with this premise, and it isn't a new or original premise in the first place. Heck, it's been six years, are there still kids that make black and red OCs in this fandom, or have our dedicated of unfulfilled tumblr anti-shipper-tier Fandom Police chased them all off while pointedly ignoring the "And then anon goes to equestria and becomes a human god" people?
People will probably laugh at this because some youtuber or deviantart writing tutorial said to hate black and red OCs and laugh when things go badly for them, but... there aren't really any jokes in this fic. "The failure tries to do something and fails" isn't a joke on its own, it's the setup for a joke.
Have you ever seen The Avengers? Loki trying to heartcontrol Iron Man and failing wasn't funny. Loki trying to heartcontrol Iron Man and failing because his spear bounced off his heart piece with an audible chink was pretty funny. The scene with Loki and Iron Man building up dramatically, Loki trying to heartcontrol Iron Man and saying a oneliner and failing because his spear bounced off his heart piece with an audible chink, causing the dramatic music to stop... there's a pause where the tension that had built up fell flat. Loki is confused. He tries again, there's an audible chink, and this serious scene becomes hilarious. Loki quietly says "This usually works" and Iron Man makes a joke about performance issues, and the whole thing becomes even funnier. Up until this point, that heartchange technique was terrifying, and now, seeing it fail in such a hilarious way, it's funny again.
Now imagine it's this OC. This weird human that, for some reason, idolizes villains and wants to be evil, becomes a nonthreatening and weak failure of a pony nopony takes seriously or has any reason to find scary. When he fails, it isn't surprising. It doesn't subvert any expectations, which is one of the easiest ways to make a joke work.
In any case... The comedy in this so far is that the bad guy wants to be scary, but ponies don't find him scary and he can't use his magic properly. You could make a good comedy about this, but why did he expect to see a house in the Everfree? Why did he seem to know its exact location? It feels like you have a checklist of ideas you hate, and you're using this fic to insult them without really taking the time to think of them and think why they don't work or think of ways to amusingly and cleverly mock them.
The villain looking for his lair and finding nothing doesn't work. The villain looking for his lair and finding a timberwolf that chases him away doesn't work. You know what would work? If the villain looked for his lair and found a creepy abandoned mansion in the woods... but wildlife, dampness, rising damp, creaky structurally unsound floorboards, etc all combined to make the place a terrible place to live in. Or you could run the joke faster, making the whole place collapse the second he steps foot in it. It'd also work if the villain went to a volcano to find his evil volcano lair, only to find that the heat of the volcano is keeping him from accessing the lair without burning up. It'd also work if the villain went to a volcano to find his evil volcano lair, only to find that the heat of the volcano is melting/burning everything inside the lair. It'd also work if the villain went to a volcano to find his evil volcano lair, only to find that the lair is slowly melting into the lava.
You really, really need to slow down the pacing of this story, get into the character's head, and get better at explaining things. You also need to learn about comedic timing and joke structure. Want me to post links to some tutorials?
8011753 the joke is that it's predictable and morally questionable
8012040
>the joke is that it's predictable and morally questionable
Let's break this down.
>the joke is that it's predictable
Not how jokes work.
>and morally questionable
Doing morally questionable things on their own aren't funny. Also, what's "Morally questionable" about a loser doing bad things because he wants to be a cool badass villain feared by all? That's both morally wrong and dumb. "Morally questionable" is stealing from the rich to give to the poor, or taking one life to save another.
8013247 never mind. You obviously just feel like criticizing me. I've had enough stress this week. If you comment again in the same manner, don't expect a response.
8013279
I know what kind of person you're thinking of right now, and I hate them too. And not just because I'm not one of them.
http://stand-upcomedy.com/how-to-write-jokes-joke-structure-part-1/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_timing
https://www.backstage.com/advice-for-actors/professional-tips/can-comedic-timing-be-taught-or-is-it-innate/
I found this kind of silly - in a good way.
To avoid confusion you may point out in the description this is supposed to be a parody.
(It is supposed to be a parody, right?)
8015654 last time I outright explained that one I found my stories was meant to be taken as a joke, I got a storm of negativity about the story due to that. Yet people tend to give never flack when I don't specify that too, aside from on You're a Princess Now. People seem to adore that one