Silver Iris slowly looked up at the mirror mounted on her ceiling, disgusted with the mare lying beside her. She’d hated the girl for a while now. It’d been a long time since Daisy was truly welcome in Iris’s bed. She was so boring, and her yellow mane was a complete eyesore. For the longest time, Iris had ignored that mane... it was too curly to straighten, but the curls weren’t tight enough to bounce like most mare’s… and the color was atrocious. Iris cursed herself for talking Daisy out of dying the bloody thing a year previous. She knew dying required a lot of maintenance, which she didn’t want to deal with at the time. Somehow, Daisy took Iris’s objection as a compliment, like Iris actually liked the color. From then on, whenever they had to dress up a bit, Daisy picked outfits that accentuated the yellow, and Iris could hardly stand to look at her. Like always, though, she suffered through it, pushing her distaste to the back of her mind for the sake of avoiding conflict. Now, though, she was willing to do something about it.
The decision hadn’t come easily. It wasn’t just the mane. It wasn’t how boring the little foal was. No, these things were petty. Iris just couldn’t stand to be with Daisy anymore. She’d come to resent her marefriend for everything she was, everything she represented. Daisy was nothing more than a relic of a time that’d long since left them both behind. They met at a college party, and were introduced by some friend they didn’t even talk to anymore. They’d looked into each other’s eyes as the friend called their names out over the noise of the crowd. “Silver! This is Daisy Duke. Daisy, Silver Iris.”
Iris remembered thinking that the name had to be a joke or a nickname. When she woke up the next morning, though, she looked down at her foreleg, noticing a note scrawled there in permanent marker. “Don’t laugh, it’s actually my name.”
You know, it might not just be the mane, Iris thought to herself. I really hate her name.
Iris looked up to the mirror once more, this time into her own eyes. Over the past few months, her emerald eyes had grown dull and distant. She knew it was this dead-end relationship, but she hadn’t been able to split up with Daisy. She knew a breakup would devastate the mare. She was going to take mercy on her. She was going to avoid this conflict once again. She was going to spare Daisy the pain. As she plunged the knife into her marefriend’s chest, a small grin crept across her face.
Most of the pain.
Daisy’s eyes snapped open and her mouth widened, her scream silenced by the blood filling her lungs. A tiny bit of blood dripped out of the corner of her mouth, and her eyes began to glaze over. Iris stared into those eyes for what seemed like an eternity. She watched as the last bit of life left Daisy’s body. Even though she knew no one was looking back at her, she couldn’t tear her focus away from the eyes… their ember irises, the contracted pupils. Not a single thought graced Iris as she examined the lifeless eyes. Her mind was crystal clear for the first time in months. As she tried to divert her focus elsewhere, a fly landed on one of Daisy’s cold, open eyes.
Iris snapped. She sat up and shooed the fly away violently, trying desperately to get it to go away. It left her sight and she looked back into Daisy’s eyes, her vision blurring. She felt tears roll down her face and saw them land in the blood that was beginning to pool under Daisy’s chest. The fly landed next to the blood-splattered knife embedded between the mare’s ribs.
“Get off my marefriend, you bastard!” Iris screamed at the fly, attempting to swat it away. Her hoof hit the knife, making Daisy’s body lurch unnaturally. Iris gasped and gently removed the knife from Daisy’s chest. As she did, she looked at her bloodstained hooves in disbelief. She felt a terrible burning sensation on either side of her flank. She looked up at her mirror in time to see what looked like blood creep down her cutie mark, leaving agony in its wake. She frantically felt the area, trying to wipe away the blood. She didn’t feel anything wet, and realized slowly that her cutie mark was changing. The ‘blood’ crept fully down the contours of the three flowers that composed her cutie mark, terminating in a searing drop at the bottom of each.
Iris looked away from her altered mark and back to the pony she’d just murdered in cold blood. She buried her face in her hooves and cried, her sobs deepening until the police broke down the door to her apartment and shackled her, dragging her away from the crime scene roughly. Iris looked at her grisly work one last time.
“Good night, Daisy,” she sobbed. “S-sorry it had to end this way…”
***
Iris’s trial was a short one. Unlike most crimes that took place in Equestria, murder was easily identifiable. The ‘blood’ on Iris’s mark was unmistakable, as the arresting officers noted. Judge Final was surprised they were able to make any notes at the scene, as neither of them previously had the pleasure of investigating a murder. Most officers in Equestria hadn’t. What was more amazing was that they had the presence of mind to actually put the girl in cuffs. They’d skipped normal procedures, much to Final’s chagrin. Even so, she let them off easy, since they’d been expecting to walk in on an affair. After all, the neighbors called the cops saying something about “some crazy bitch screaming about someone banging her marefriend,” which was not at all the case.
Final just hoped Iris’s court appointed lawyer thought it was as open-and-shut as she did.
“Order in the court!” Final yelled, banging her gavel. “Miss Silver Iris, how do you plead?”
Silver Iris was silent. She continued to stare at the table in front of her, oblivious to the rest of the court. The judge looked to her lawyer questioningly, realizing he was smoking in her courtroom.
“Mister Sly! Put that cigarette out now! And for Celestia’s sake, represent your client!”
The stallion took one last drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out in the ashtray he’d hidden in his briefcase. He glanced over at Iris, seeing her changed cutie mark. “She’s guilty. Anyone can see that.”
Judge Final slowly placed her hoof against her forehead, in utter disbelief. “Mister Sly, that is not how you address my question.” She began to rub her temples, feeling a migraine coming on. “This may be an extraordinary case, but do not forget procedure!”
Sly Fox huffed a bit, obviously tired of the whole situation. “My client pleads guilty. Happy?”
Final’s eye twitched a bit at this display of apathy. “Sly, I find you in contempt of court,” she said as the lawyer began to raise his hoof in objection. “I don’t want to hear it. Let’s move on to sentencing.” Final turned to Iris. “Miss Iris,” she said lightly. “Miss Iris!”
Iris’s head jerked up and she looked at the judge wordlessly.
“Miss Iris, most ponies in your situation choose to exile themselves. This is how it’s been for centuries. In all my days, I haven’t seen a single pony come back from exile.” The judge looked at Iris, then to her uncaring lawyer. If he wasn’t going to help this poor filly, Final had to. “However, you show obvious signs of regret for your actions. Frankly, I think you still have the potential to contribute to society. That’s why I’m suggesting that you take the deal I’m about to offer you and never look back.”
Sly perked up a bit, shocked at the judge’s suggestion. “What deal?”
“You obviously don’t have a part in this, Sly,” the judge said accusingly. “Miss Iris, I am offering you lifetime parole with two conditions. First, we’re going to put a tracking device on you that you cannot remove. Secondly, I’m going to put you in therapy four times a week until your doctor deems you fit to exit the program.”
Iris looked at the judge, tears welling up in her eyes. “How am I supposed to live a normal life with this thing on my flank?”
Judge Final looked at the stained mark with a somber expression on her face. “Miss Iris, that is a living reminder of what you’ve done. Nothing you do can be able to cover it, and you won’t be able to get rid of it on your own. With years of therapy, the blood might fade. By that time, though, everypony will know exactly who you are and what you’ve done. You will never be able to live this down. I’m not suggesting you will live a normal life. I’m simply suggesting you make an effort to live with the rest of us, rather than throwing it all away.”
“I…” Iris didn’t know what to say. She glanced over at her lawyer, who shrugged. Iris took a deep breath and turned to the judge. “I’ll take it.”
"Good choice, Miss Iris." The judge jotted down a note and addressed Iris. "Your therapist will be waiting outside the courtroom to schedule your appointments."
"Um... who's my therapist?"
"The best we have, a certain Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."
A collective gasp was taken by the entire courtroom as a nearly-imperceptible grin crept across Judge Final's face. "I suggest you get moving, Miss Iris. You don't want to keep the Princess waiting."
What exactly are you trying to bring to the table with this story? Is she crazy, or just some bored valley mare that snapped?
I've got no vibe on her life, the motif behind the murder other than just not liking this girl-- and she just knifes her in her sleep.
There are many ways to write harm-then-redemption fics, as well as injury-then-health fics. This is neither, that I can tell. While yes, its an interesting concept that blood shows up on your cutie mark if you murder somepony-- I'm not feeling the urge to know more about this. As far as I can tell this character is despicable, has no redeeming qualities or mannerisms, and murdered this other pony because... what? She didn't like the color of her mane, or that there had been an affair going on? Pretty dark for Equestria, I gotta say. What keeps this as "pony", exactly? I recognize no characters, themes, locations, ideas, or anything else. Yes, the Princess is going to be involved in the next chapter onward, hopefully, but-- it ceases to be a fan fiction and turns into something else entirely when there is NOTHING linking it to its source material other than the country it takes place in.
Thumbs down.
EDIT: "Deflowered" is a misleading title, unless her cutie mark is a flower of some sort. That title implies the loss of virginity or innocence. The only innocent in this story was the victim herself, seemingly, so it makes the title overly dramatic and unnecessary.
863119
I don't know but that coupled with the title makes it fucking disgusting. It's like dripping, bloody ovaries.
As mentioned above, the image brings up the notion of the ovaries that have been bloodied. Coupled with the title, it's obviously done on purpose. I can't fathom why you'd do that other than to try and force interest in your story and build views from people reading expecting one thing and getting....this, instead.
The story itself is something else altogether. The bloodied cutie mark premise is interesting. The characters are...unlikable. You start off the story with Iris despising her marefriend. And instead of breaking up with her, she decides to kill her. For...vanity reasons, really. WHY do we want this girl to live in pony society? Why should we care? Because Cadence is involved? That's hardly a reason. Why does the Judge just decide to take pity? Why this one? Surely others have felt remorse.
863143
So I'm not the only one who realized that?
It looks like a female reproductive system
Dripping with buckin' blood O.O
With the title, picture, then the description...
And I'm a bit confused about the whole story.
~Rosalynn~
863143
Pretty certain its an Orchid blossom. The orchid is known for looking very much like certain reproductive organs though.
As for this story... this chapter was way too short. There needed to be a lot more character building for this to make any more sense than 'random mare brutally murders random other mare'. We don't get enough of a feel for Iris' mentality, what could justify her actions, or why she would later feel remorse over a passionless, sociopathic killing.
I can see some potential in this, but there's just not enough to see right now. It's short, and leaves out too much character and context.
So... I was positive this was going to be the first 'Rape fic' I'd ever read, then I read it.
It's way too short. No plot, no character development, I won't give a thumbs up or down.
I'm not sure I have ever seen such a brilliant concept so poorly executed. This is a perfect example of how good grammar and story structure does not make a story good. You seem to know how to write, at least compared to most of the other front page stories, but I'm afraid that means almost little to nothing. This story was bad, really bad.
It almost seems that you fully endorse the thought of murder. Iris kills a mare for absolutely no reason at all, with no logical or realistic motive, is suffering from no obvious mental disorders... and everyone who has a problem with that is wrong. Clearly we should just let her go, since all she did was kill one little mare, and all the bastards who disagree can go to hell. Sounds pretty stupid, right? Well, that's how you wrote it, even if it was not your intention.
In fact, I'm not sure you have done a single thing right, besides simply making this crap legible. The plot is ridiculous, the motives are nonexistent, the characters are fucking idiots with no redeemable qualities (This is the worst part)... hell, even the title and cover image is completely off, and give a very false impression of what this story is about. I think the only thing I liked was just the concept of the cutie mark. I even feel like using that myself, or a slight variation, and I wouldn't mind seeing this become fanon. But the fact that this story is built on that premise just makes it more irritating. The only advice I can give is start from scratch and try again, because there is little to nothing to salvage here.
Now it's time to get the fuck out and never look back.
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i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just brilliant!
863072>>863119>>863143>>863344>>863408>>863497>>863210
Well, I'm not going to defend your complaints of no character development. This is "Part 1" after all.
You all seem to be asking if this is going anywhere. It is. This chapter was simply meant to introduce the characters and the crime. If you want to know if there's something wrong with her, wait until she talks to the therapist. And no, she's not going to get off scott free. But this is the wonderful sparkling land of Equestria, so I wanted to at least keep some semblance of hope.
Since most of you asked it, those are irises. Iris sanguinea to be exact. It's also the girl's 'cutie mark'.
And yes, 'deflowered' is commonly used to describe lost virginity, but the core meaning is a loss of innocence. Flowers are delicate and pure, and the destruction... well, one can imagine what it would imply. I like symbolism.
-shrugs-
If you don't want to wait for the second part to bring some answers, don't.
863523
I suspect you're here for the gore?
^ Road To The Sky King
Obvious troll is obviously trolling.
863818
Nope, just good story. i love how she is perfectly sane then boom the insainity of boredom! cant wait for more!
There you go~
It actually says "Part 1" so people don't think this is a contextless gore fic that's not even going to go anywhere~
You should probably fix your story description as well. It's vague and says NOTHING about what the story is about. What you have written resembles a 1980's B-Movie backing's description. Extra points if you use the words "roller coaster", "action packed thrill ride", or "spine tingling!" Something more fitting would be:
"After murdering her marefriend in cold blood, Judge Final sentences Iris to life on parole with a therapist and a tracking anklet on her leg. Her cutie mark will forever be stained with blood, the mark of a pony that has committed a murder. What sort of therapist could possibly hope to save her from her own twisted, cold, uncaring mind? Princess Cadence, the Princess of Love, of course."
That, at least, would be accurate. I know you don't want to give away the whole story in your description, but you at LEAST have to tell the premise and the set-up. Otherwise, nopony will want to read what you've made after all your hard work!
863849
Well, thank you for giving the story another go. I think I'll just copy/paste that description, maybe make some minor edits. If you want me to change it, I will. Otherwise, that's a lot better.
Frankly, it was about five-thirty in the morning when I wrote that description with about 36 hours awake under my belt, so it might as well have been word soup at that point.
Now, to everyone else reading this:
I put a lot of thought into writing this. I want to thank everyone for their input. This isn't really a concrete story; I have a basic picture of what might happen, but I'm relying on feedback to write this. Murder is a very touchy subject, I know. This is a bit of a social experiment with a strong personal bias. I know the beginning was painful and jarring, but I suspect the worst has passed. Stick with me and I suspect we might have a satisfying conclusion. Leave now and you'll have just read another terrible fanfic.
A final note--
This story is a testament to the influence of the internet. Without people biting at my heels to change my story, it would get absolutely nowhere. Where else can you get input at the speed of light? [besides just looking around you]
864417 Well, contrary to what I said earlier, I'm back. Why? Because your story has been festering in my mind for the last few hours. After some thought, I came to the conclusion that I REALLY loved the concept, and I don't know why. Guess it's just similar to the the things I like, and the things I love to write about (though I have yet to submit something for this fandom). So, I came back and decided to read the first chapter again. Perhaps it was better than I thought and I was just in a bad mood, or I missed something that I didn't catch earlier that would have explained character motives.
I was wrong, it still sucked... but something did catch my eye. That something... was you. More specifically, your comments. I must say, I am thoroughly impressed, and quite surprised. I usually find stories like this with a crappy immature author who decided to write a bad, half-ass story, saying "I want 2 be popUlar, and riting is eazy! I'll rite the bestest st0ry 3ver!!!1!!one!!!" They have no respect or drive to be a writer, and it's almost insulting what they think can pass as a good story. They spam the archives and flood the front page, making story hunting so much harder.
But not you. You displayed a level of class that I thought was all but extinct from newer writers. More importantly, I saw drive. Most writers would either rage or give up when faced with the overwhelmingly negative ratio of 2-13, but not you. I admire that, and that's why I have decided to stick around a little longer. There is a very small glimmer of hope that this story can be revived, especially after hearing how you're taking criticism and using it to better your story. I have realized that I have actually not given you a thumbs down yet, which is quite surprising after my last comment, and I decided to hold off on doing so. Maybe you can redeem this wonderful concept, earn yourself a thumbs up, and make me (and everyone else) a happy reader.
...
Oh, and by the way, beware the hug box, their the scum of the internet, perhaps worse than trolls. They'll lead you down the wrong path and bring you to the point of no return. They offer no criticism or helpful advice and think everything bad is awesome, since it's probably still better than anything they can ever do. Which reminds me...
863822
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