Follow the journey of a courier mare as she discovers what her Lineage means to the Equestrian Wasteland.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Holy crud, your protagonist is phantom lancer. I should hate them on principle, but so far I don't. Illusion magic is fun to be sure, and I like that the other illusions seem to have a mind of their own. The way I see it playing down in my head involves almost three-stooge-ian antics, frequent towers of comedy, and just a general sense that between the x-factors of these extra illusions and Courier, they equal out into maybe 1 functional pony between the lot of them. I like the idea that her illusions my look at her as they get shot and die. I imagine them being really dramatic about it, like they just have an array of flamboyant and soap opera-y acts that are on the same level of attention seeking as the guy who invented the "Prawn bend" dying technique. There is just a lot of three man antics I could imagine, and even if you don't write it in, I will imagine it.
The character is fun, but I do have to say that conflict resolution feels a bit quick. Like the rapey guys at the bar just kind of noticed she didn't know anything about sex and just proclaimed that nobody would want to sleep with her and galavanted out. Like he went from "I'm gonna shoot you" to "I'm sorry, prudish one, but my homeplanet of douchatopia needs me." Its a little bit hammy. You're 300,000+ words in, so its not like I expect you to change stuff, but hey, it struck me as a bit weird. Then again, I'm the type that lingers with a scene for a bit too long.
Courier narrates things sometimes in a way that leaves me a bit jarred. For example, there is a lot of tense switching in the start, thought it seems to even its way out as the chapter goes on. The other thing that the protagonist does is that she gives full disclosure about a lot of things in a way that seems to take me out of it. Take this part for example:
I feel like this would be something where the character pausing to hear about it could raise lots of questions, but the character just talks a lot establishing "I know this one, they are not like the ponies say they are, and I am looking for them." Like that is stuff that is so juicy for subtext. Not to say that there isn't any subtext in any of this, but rather that a lot of things seem really overt and loud in this story's narration. It flows into your banter a little bit too, characters are very upfront in this. I complain about this only because you seem to have a character that would thrive on being bantery.
The story has a nice little bit of attitude, and that is probably the biggest compliment I can give to an FOE fic, so I'll probably keep reading a bit. I like your protagonist, they seem fun so far. I like illusions. That is fun stuff.