Probably One of the Worst Products Ever. Of All Time

by JTHailstorm

Just a Tex in a Bottle™

It was another quiet day as Sunset Shimmer sat across from Twilight Sparkle in the library. She sighed as she glanced up at the purple girl sitting across from her. With a sigh she put the book down and gathered her courage.

“Twilight, I need to ask you somethin-”

A bottle broke in the middle of their table and it exploded releasing a cloud of smoke. As the smoke cleared a grinning young man was crouched down and face to face with Sunset Shimmer.

The young man had icy blue eyes, messy purple hair, and a charming smile. He lifted a finger and booped Sunset’s nose.

“Boop,” the mystery boy said. After the nose boop he stood up and jumped off the table. “How’s it goin’?”

“Who are you?” Sunset Shimmer asked.

“Where did you come from?” Twilight Sparkle asked. She cleared away the shards of glass in her immediate area.

“I am…Tex! Kinda like a hex, but the playground is my world…or the world is my playground. I came from the bottle.” Tex answered. He pulled a note from his pocket and handed it to Sunset Shimmer. “This is for you, the one who released me from my bottle.”

“You have this all wrong. I didn’t release you,” Sunset replied.

“Well…I’m here, the bottle is broken, and now by all contractual agreements you are now the one who summoned me.” Tex replied.

“Let me see the contract,” Twilight Sparkle said. She took the note from Tex and stared reading it. After turning the paper several times, she handed it to Sunset. “I can’t decipher the writing.”

“That’s cause it’s Equestrian!” Tex laughed.

“Fine, I’ll read it.” Sunset Shimmer said. She grabbed the note and started reading it.

To the lucky opener of the bottle,
Congratulations on your purchase of the patented Tex in a Bottle™! You should have read the bottle thoroughly and by doing so you have successfully summoned your very own Tex™! A few things before you start having fun*;
First, Tex™ is not a charm and will not go away unless sealed back in the bottle he originally came from. If the bottle breaks then you are stuck with your Tex™ until you receive a replacement bottle from the manufacturer.
Second, Tex™ cannot kill anyone, but he can seriously harm or maim.
Third, Tex™ is extremely protective of summoner, if he senses that the summoner is in distress he will come to the rescue. If one’s bedroom activities involve any form of BDSM, please be sure to secure your Tex™ in an approved cage. Otherwise expect interruptions.
We at Hybrid Corporation thank you for your purchase and hope you enjoy your Tex™.

*The definition of “fun” is solely up to the summoner.

If you did not summon Tex™ intentionally, please note that you are now by definition the owner of Tex™.

Sunset Shimmer sighed then grabbed Tex by the collar.

“Who bought you?” Sunset Shimmer demanded.

“I have no idea. I was the one in the bottle.” Tex replied.

“So what can he do?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“I can do almost anything. Except magic…apparently humans can’t do that.” Tex answered. Once more he booped Sunset’s nose. “and I’m all yours.”

“So a boyfriend in a bottle?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“In a way,” Tex said, as he sat in the chair next to Sunset. “Wait a boyfriend?” He almost fell out of his seat.

“I don’t recall ever needing a boyfriend in a bottle because I-” Sunset said.

“Have Tex now.” Twilight laughed. Both Tex and Sunset glared at Twilight, who then sheepishly hid behind a book. “I mean…uh…I’m going back to reading.”

Tex fumbled around looking for something. He grabbed a book with a blue shield with a wolf paw emblazoned on it. “Here, this is an instruction manual.”

“Are you a toy or something?” Sunset asked, glancing through the book.

“Not exactly. You see I once was a mighty warrior that summoned the flying narwhals to help reclaim a princess’s castle. Apparently it was my fault to begin with so I was sealed in a bottle…and now I’m here.” Tex explained.

“But this says you were manufactured by Hybrid Corp,” Sunset replied.

“Is that what that stuff says?” Tex asked, grabbing the book and turning it in all directions. “Well I should’ve guessed as much. It doesn’t help that I can’t read.”

“So wait, are you some kind of prisoner? Or are you personal assistant?” Sunset asked.

“I’m a-” Tex said.

“Nuisance. This is the library, and the two of you are being too noisy.” Twilight said, glaring up from the book.

“She does have a point,” Sunset said. She grabbed Tex by the arm and dragged him out of the library. Once out of the library she let go of Tex and allowed him to regain his bearings. “Now answer my question,”

“Eh, to put it simply I’m whatever you want me to be.” Tex answered.

“So can I loan you to someone?” Sunset asked.

“Yup, but only for a day. Any longer then I will miss you.” Tex replied.

“Go play with Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash then,” Sunset said, before she realized that Tex would have no idea who they were.

“They’re here?! Oh boy.” Tex replied, as he ran down the hall seeking out Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.

I better go catch him before he does something stupid, Sunset thought to herself as she ran off to find Tex. Come to think of it, why is he here? Who threw that bottle in the library? I guess I should consult Princess Twilight on this after I find Tex.

---

Meanwhile a hooded figure tripped on a rock near the Wondercolt statue in front of the high school. She grunted then quickly got up and headed for the statue. The mystery girl turned to the school.

“He’ll be better off here,” she said.

The mystery girl then walked through the portal.

---

Sunset found Tex having a push up contest with Rainbow in the gym. Students were gathered around, cheering Rainbow Dash on. Pinkie was on the ground, coaching Rainbow.

“Come on, Rainbow! You’re at 89, that’s like 69 with 20 fingers in your-” Pinkie noticed Sunset and got up then tackled her down with a hug. “Sunset! You come to watch Rainbow beat Texy.”

“Texy, huh?” Sunset said.

“He’s a dreamboat. You should ask him out,” Pinkie said.

Sunset got up then stood over Tex with her arms crossed. “Hey Tex, you want to go out?”

“Like a date?” Tex grunted as he finished another rep.

“Yes, cause every handsome guy needs a beautiful girl,” Sunset said. Her acting was spot on.

“No! I mean…yes? I mean what? Can I phone a friend?” Tex asked, as he lost strength and fell to the ground.

“Yes! I win!” Rainbow cheered. She jumped up in victory. Students gathered around her, thus feeding her ego even more.

“Well I lost,” Tex said. He sat up then crossed his arms then made a pouty face. “You happy?”

“Yes,” Sunset said sassily.

“But you said to go have fun with Pinkie and Dash.” Tex pouted.

“Sunset, where did you find him? He’s fun!” Rainbow Dash said, breaking through the crowd.

“Yeah, where did you find your boyfriend?” Pinkie asked.

“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s more of a nuisance that someone gave me.” Sunset replied.

“Like herpes,” Tex said.

Sunset facepalmed herself then flicked Tex in the forehead. Tex fell back and sprawled out on the gym floor. “Not quite herpes, but someone threw a bottle at me in the library and now I’m stuck with him.” Sunset said.

“So he magically appeared after someone threw a bottle at you?” Rainbow lent a hand to help Tex up. “Surprisingly I believe that.”

“How exactly is that believable?” Sunset asked.

“Strange stuff always happens, we’re kinda used to that.” Rainbow said.

Sunset thought about it while Tex played pat a cake with Pinkie. She had to admit that strange things frequently happen at the high school. Pinkie then whispered something in Tex’s ear and caused him to laugh.

“Pinkie, you are a genius!” Tex exclaimed.

“I know I am,” Pinkie said.

“This doesn’t sound good at all,” Sunset said.

“You’re telling me,” Rainbow said.

Both Rainbow and Sunset watched as Pinkie and Tex cheered. Rainbow then placed her hand on Sunset’s shoulder. “Well it looks like bad news, I’m outta here. Gonna hit the showers.” Rainbow walked away.

“Showers? I wanna get soapy with Dashie!” Pinkie said. She rushed to catch up with Rainbow.

“Lame,” Tex pouted.

“Let’s go see what Princess Twilight has to say about you.” Sunset said. She grabbed Tex and dragged him out of the gym.

“You have one hell of a grip,” Tex said

“That’s cause I’m frustrated,” Sunset replied.

“I like that,” Tex replied.

Sunset sighed then rolled her eyes as she pulled Tex along. She hoped that Twilight would have an answer to her little Tex problem.

Author's Note:

This idea was inspired by the random thought of caressing a bottle of Jack and a genie popping out. Okay, I lie. I was reading a fic and I thought, why not summon Tex? Tex can help and make better choices than this guy. How did I solve the summoning? Well the caressing of a bottle came to mind. So in a tweet I advertised the Tex in a Bottle™. No one wanted it of course.
So then I thought, well what if the Tex in a Bottle™ was intentionally granted upon someone? Also since I was reading that one fic, I've been on a Sunset Shimmer thing and it kinda got weird. But let's not talk about that. So Sunset gets the prize of a free Tex in a Bottle™. No, I wasn't listening to Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera...

Hopefully you enjoyed it thus far.

And no refunds!

Comments

[TheArquius]

Good god, is this an RvB crossover?

[JTHailstorm]

7679202 there are references but for the most part, no.