What Hurts More
Ch. 4
Normally if Twilight would have come through the portal, I would want to spend the rest of the day to talk with her. However, Sunset Shimmer had some explaining to do.
“Where is Sunset Shimmer?” I ask my world’s Twilight.
“She is getting Pinkie Pie. Said she needed her before… explaining things to you.”
The princess looked between Twilight and I, lost in translation. “Explain what?”
“To explain how wrong I am…” Despite my current frustration with her, I was glad to see Sunset Shimmer come to me and be the adult. Pinkie Pie stood beside her with a large bag of brownies. “Hey Twilight,” Sunset greeted with a friendly wave. “Glad you came.”
My arms folded and my ears waited for Sunset to “explain” herself. In my peripheral, Twilight Sparkle, the one who came to help, looked at everyone with curiosity.
“So what is going on?” the princess asked. “Everypo- umm, -body here looks so tense.” I guess Sunset Shimmer didn’t tell her everything and that is why she looks so concerned. My mouth opens, but Sunset Shimmer holds out a hand to stop me from speaking. I hold my tongue so I can hear her “explain.”
“You are here for many reasons,” Sunset Shimmer began. Pinkie Pie tapped her on the shoulder and handed the girl a brownie; probably a frownie considering the situation at hand. After taking the sweet, Sunset resumed, “First, I want to apologize to you Flash Sentry.”
“Is that-”
“Please, let me finish.” She shot me a bit of a glare to get me to stop. Something inside me wanted to argue, but for Twilight’s sake and for those around me, I held my breath.
“Why do you need to apologize? Especially in front of all of us?” The princess clearly wanted to help defuse what she didn’t know, and I could tell she was desperate to not let the issue ruin any friendships.
“Humility. To show everyone how wrong I have been,” Sunset answered as Pinkie Pie nodded after hearing the statement. “For the longest time, Flash here always came asking me and the others how you were and if you were around.”
Pink blush bled onto the otherworldly girl’s cheeks and she turned to look at me. My heart started to race as I was thrown under the spotlight. Neither of us spoke, but I could not deny the truth. I did come around quite often and ask for her. And when Sunset told Twilight I come around often, asking for her, I feel pathetic. And desperate.
“He does?” Twilight finally spoke, looking at me with shining eyes. Peering into her lavender eyes, I saw them sparkle like the twilight sky. A fitting name she has.
“Yeah,” Sunset resumed. “But I never told him he could contact you through the journal I have.” Reaching into her bag, Sunset Shimmer pulled out a large book with a massive sun on the cover. Age made the book look old and worn, but the image of a bright star on the front made it clear that the book before me had something more than paper. “I know that he cares about you and… I was too selfish to let him use it…”
The twinkling in Twilight’s eyes were now long gone and she stared with disbelief. “Why..?” Her voice was quiet, yet everyone heard the one word that was spoken.
“Because I was jealous… I was the one who told Flash to move on from you because of you being a princess in all. I tried to convince myself I was right with telling him that so… I could have a chance with him again...” There were no tears to be shed. Perhaps Sunset Shimmer cried all of her tears from earlier today. But she did have a look of guilt and that is something I wanted to see. Not because I wanted to see everyone get on her case, but because Sunset was doing the right thing.
Slowly, the yellow girl took a bite out of her frownie. Pinkie Pie touched her shoulder and looked at myself and both Twilights. “She is really, really sorry,” Pinkie Pie speaks, perhaps allowing Sunset Shimmer to be to herself now. “She told me she has been thinking about this all day and has realized she was not right at all.”
“I waff the one who couldn’t moof on,” Sunset mumbled as she still had bits of chocolate in her mouth. Her eyes met with mine with defeat in her vision. She swallowed and said, “I’m sorry Flash Sentry… I’m sorry Twilight.”
The princess looked at me with a frown, not wanting to believe what was being told to her. But the truth can be a bit hard to swallow, even to those who are listening. As much as I wanted to speak, my voice was not found. Despite the secret that was being held from me, I couldn’t help but feel bad for Sunset Shimmer. She placed her heart out for all of us to see. And for that, I commend Sunset.
“It must be hard for you to not be jealous,” Twilight commented. But it was my world’s Twilight who spoke. “I don’t know what heartache is like, though I could understand that it does hurt.” Twilight looked to me with a neutral stare. “It is up to you to forgive her.”
“Of course I do,” I respond instinctively. “But I want to ask you this Sunset Shimmer…” Her eyes met with mine, locked and unwilling to move. “Did you ask Twilight to come here for me or yourself?”
“Both actually.” The response caused everyone glance at one another, curious as to what she meant. “I did it for you because your happiness is important to me. If I care about you, than I should consider your emotions as well. As for myself, well… it is better to put you out of reach if I want to move on.”
“It must have been hard for you to say all this,” the princess finally spoke. “I should be upset with you…” A smile grew on Twilight Sparkle’s face. “...but I am glad for your honesty.” She walked toward Sunset Shimmer and gave her a hug. The two girls held each other for a short moment as Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and I looked at each other with smiles. Twilight then whispered something into Sunset’s ear before stepping away. What she said, I have no idea. Though I did notice Twilight was looking away from me for some reason.
“So with that out of the way, did we solve our friendship problem?” Twilight Sparkle asked with a smile.
“I think so,” Sunset Shimmer replies.
“Yeah,” I respond.
“Then what am I going to do with all of these frownies!?” Pinkie Pie whined out loud, gesturing to the large bag of brownies. The frustrated girl stabbed a finger at Sunset Shimmer. “You said there was a big friendship problem.”
“I guess the issue has been solved.” Sunset shrugs as she looks at me and I smile back. I guess there is no more issues. But in my peripheral, I see the princess by my side. She may not be an issue, but there are some things that need to be said to her.
“No no no! You know what Twilight, I have a special friendship problem for you. I made special frownies for us to eat so we can talk about our sadness. But now they are not going to go to waste!” Pinkie Pie folded her arms in frustration now that the conclusion of our problems were now concluded.
“Actually, there still is something wrong…” The not-so-otherworldly Twilight Sparkle took every eye including my own and we looked to her.
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked her identical self.
“Flash and I were all having nightmares based on constant daily reminders.”
I gasp, remembering the root of the entire issue the two of us were having. “That is right.”
“I wasn’t having nightmares,” Sunset inputted. “But I did have a daily reminder that was causing a living nightmare.” I had to avoid eye contact with her to prevent myself on making an input.
“Yes!” Pinkie Pie wooted. The pink girl corrected herself and said, “I mean… oh no! A friendship problem! Good thing I have these frownies to help us get through this time of need!” Despite her sarcastic attitude, all five of us laughed at her statement.
“Perhaps there is still more to be discussed,” I say to the group. “Is there any place we can all go so we can hang out and talk about all this? I am sure we can all enjoy some frownies while we talk about these dreams and reminders.”
The princess was the first to respond, “How about we go to my world?”
7655926 I currently don't think I am well versed in teenage drama (despite how I used to be a teen ). This story is proving to be more of a challenge than I thought and it is starting to stress me out. Maybe I am looking at the thumbs down rating a little too much...
yes! flash is going to EQ.
Ok, golden opportunity! When she becomes a pony have Sci-Twi do the same scream PonyTwi did in the first movie! It'll be hilarious!
7659043 Just for you
7659057 If it's possible, could you please make it so that Sci-Twi starts with; "I'm going to have to"?
I assure you that I like this story. It's simply not well received by the majority because there are so many people who can't stand Flash Sentry. I am not one of them.
As for the chapter itself, yay for progress. All of them going to Equestria will be fun.
7658667 Don't take the criticisms to harshly, normally they point out that there is something wrong or incoherent in the story, but unless they really know their stuff in writing they are only pointing out a symptoms of the problem rather then the actual problem; I am mostly of the former rather then the lather so you should only take it as a gain of salt. The best way that I see it the story doesn't seem to be planned out that much ahead, and the focus on the characters constant hesitation or ambivalent about everything they do makes it anointing because they aren't doing anything to progress the story further and having mopping around feeling sorry for them selves. Stories are interesting because of how characters react to a given situation and what they do has to be decisive and be willing to go thought with the consequence of their actions. Also there are a lot of inconsistencies in the characters behaviors as I always find myself wandering why didn't the characters to did instead of that or wouldn't be easier if he does that; in those kinds of sensation the sense of disbelief of the story is often broken broken because of those razed questions.
In this situation, Flash looks weak and feeble doesn't seem to take the time to try and reach out for Twilight because he wants to be with her but instead keeps feeling sorry for himself and just wait to see her again. He could have tried to go though the porthole, and abysmally fail at it, to try and see Twilight again, make things clear between the two of them. There is also the issue that it was never stated in the story so far that Flash was aware didn't know about the book and that Sunset and the Mane five didn't tell him about the the book when they knew Flash mist her didn't even think of mentioning it to him just in passing, or even ask Sunset to contact Twilight by the book, why should they know anything about Sunset's still holding out for him, which doesn't make the girls look very good or considerate as a whole. I still don't understand why is Princess Twilight even present in Canterlot Hight in the first place. I presume that she is there because of Flash but she is rather lukewarm upon seeing him. Flash didn't get angry with Sunset for not telling him the truth that she had a direct line to his Twilight, and what ever she still feels about him wouldn't matter she still hold out on him when she needed her out of omission, it would destroy what ever trust there would have been between them because of how incredibly petty she is. There is also the issue of how the relation between Flash and Sunset ended as it was really unclear seeing that she was a bitch at the time and doesn't explain how he did put up with her in the first place.
All in all, with all this said their are just too many inconsistencies in the story to understand the characters actions or lack there of, that makes it hard to go past those issues.
I hope this gives you fruit frp thought for your story.
7659795 Thanks for the feedback. I realized too late on how I made Flash's character and perhaps I have been too light on the repercussions. I think what hurts more (no pun intended) than the criticism is that I have to live with what has been set in stone. I know what I have created. I guess this is a huge lesson in my story writing.
I need to read more than I write.
7660944 I am really sorry for what I have said, I din't want to destroy you motivation of writing this story at all, I just wanted to explain what I saw as an issue for you story and hope you could take the advice and better write you story. I think you could still fix it with rewriting the fourth chapter completely and maybe better plan out you story from there. Flash can still be ambivalent on some things(I wouldn't expect an average teenager to think of a lot of a solutions) but could still try to take at least charge of the situation a little, like trying to think of a way to reach her or ask around or to Sunset and the mane 5 about how he could reacher reach Twilight or read up on "magic" and fail miserably at it. Sunset would probably have to give in to Flash's request to help him if at least to be honest with him; he would most certainly be peeved at her for holding out at him, but at least the relation could still be fix sense she gives him a way to help before he learns it from someone else, which would be worst. The Mane 5 could have hold their tung on Sunset's behest, but would have to ask her why she can't tell him about the book.
All the problems that I have pointed out could be easily fix with a little forethought to fill in the wholes in the story and even with that you can use does elements to expand on other aspects of the story and the other characters.
I hope this helps you out for your next story at least.
Sorry again
7661007 No no no, I am not upset at all with your feedback. In fact I take it very well and am glad someone came forward and told me what problem is in my story. Here is how I wanted Flash's character:
I did want him to feel a bit whiny and have him desprite for Twilight. I wanted him to be a softy. Unfortunately, that may not be the character some would want. As for the inconsistancies among the stories, I have to look into the story to find that out for myself.
Don't worry about upsetting me and having your input be the downfall and abandonment of this story. I just need to improve if I want to make more of these stories. After all, I do want to become a professional writer and this place is where I can start.
So don't be sorry dude. By the way, love the Space Marine profile icon. And art too.
7661064 Thank you,I really hope you will keep writing, I did actually really liked your "Fundamentals" that you wrote, I am a big Fan of Party Favor actually. Anyway thanks also for liking my current avatar and that you recognized it as as Chaos Space Marine Raptor. If you with to see the rest of my work you can go see them on DeviantArt here
http://amalgamzaku.deviantart.com