Normally do I not read more than one chapter a day, I like my stories like I like my cocoa, in moderate portions and where the sweet aromatic after taste gets its own time to settle in between the tastebuds, but the last one was a short one and this is a short one as well, so lets have a two for one REVIEW TIME special edition!
So lets get down to business... FIRST! Ha, never gets old!
I must say that it was rather refreshing to see the prologue lean closer up against the MLP series with its "Long time ago" instead of the classical Fo" War, war never changes". Now, while it was refreshing must I say that I had hoped for a bit more, a prologue is meant to set the stage, its the literary cover to your story, its whats used to determine your skills as a writer at a quick glance by those lazy, and you did not rally say anything beside "shits fucked up, but not completely". A new reader that haven't read the original, yes I know how crazy it sounds, but I like to look at fanfics as stand alone works for the greater part, would not know heads or tails about what there happened. As things is right now does tour prologue not really say something, so it could just as well be deleted so new readers dosn't have a half empty scene as their first impression. You only get one first impression, looking at your stats can you see that reader attention rates fall in a downwards curve from the first chapter, so do your best to grab them now instead of later, because changes are that with so many other stories that they don't give you the change then.
Nitpicks: This is where my pre-reader brain simply have to comment on the smaller things it pick up, call it work damage after pre-reading for almost half a dozen years now.
"Prolauge" Unless it is a deliberately typo should it be Prologue
" in the magical land of Equestria," You ended your sentence with a comma
"One that ravaged and torn the once lush and green utopia that is known as Equestria." With how you started your story just 2 sentences before is it a bit repetitious to use Equestia again like you are
". It was twisted and warped into the grotesque and malevolent horror that it is after 200 years of fermenting in a petri dish of the Wastelands and all of the plagued things that live in it." You have a very long run on sentence here,
"The dominant equine species that owned the land was extinguished in an extinction event of their own making beneath the necrotic green and gold glow of the zebra's balefire bomb." Run on sentence
"but to keep the ponies that were inside in until further notice." Delete
"A story of a pegasus stallion who once lead of humble life as an electrician but soon got himself caught up in a series of events that would not only define himself," Instead of "of" use "the", the sentence is also rather long, and you could put a comma in before but.
Normally do I not read more than one chapter a day, I like my stories like I like my cocoa, in moderate portions and where the sweet aromatic after taste gets its own time to settle in between the tastebuds, but the last one was a short one and this is a short one as well, so lets have a two for one REVIEW TIME special edition!
So lets get down to business... FIRST! Ha, never gets old!
I must say that it was rather refreshing to see the prologue lean closer up against the MLP series with its "Long time ago" instead of the classical Fo" War, war never changes". Now, while it was refreshing must I say that I had hoped for a bit more, a prologue is meant to set the stage, its the literary cover to your story, its whats used to determine your skills as a writer at a quick glance by those lazy, and you did not rally say anything beside "shits fucked up, but not completely". A new reader that haven't read the original, yes I know how crazy it sounds, but I like to look at fanfics as stand alone works for the greater part, would not know heads or tails about what there happened. As things is right now does tour prologue not really say something, so it could just as well be deleted so new readers dosn't have a half empty scene as their first impression. You only get one first impression, looking at your stats can you see that reader attention rates fall in a downwards curve from the first chapter, so do your best to grab them now instead of later, because changes are that with so many other stories that they don't give you the change then.
Nitpicks:
This is where my pre-reader brain simply have to comment on the smaller things it pick up, call it work damage after pre-reading for almost half a dozen years now.
"Prolauge" Unless it is a deliberately typo should it be Prologue
" in the magical land of Equestria," You ended your sentence with a comma
"One that ravaged and torn the once lush and green utopia that is known as Equestria." With how you started your story just 2 sentences before is it a bit repetitious to use Equestia again like you are
". It was twisted and warped into the grotesque and malevolent horror that it is after 200 years of fermenting in a petri dish of the Wastelands and all of the plagued things that live in it." You have a very long run on sentence here,
"The dominant equine species that owned the land was extinguished in an extinction event of their own making beneath the necrotic green and gold glow of the zebra's balefire bomb." Run on sentence
"but to keep the ponies that were inside in until further notice." Delete
"A story of a pegasus stallion who once lead of humble life as an electrician but soon got himself caught up in a series of events that would not only define himself," Instead of "of" use "the", the sentence is also rather long, and you could put a comma in before but.