Ryuler
Joined 17th Oct, 2011 ·
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This will sound mostly negative, but I hope you take it in a constructive light.
The big thing for me was your dialogue. It felt very stilted, not remotely natural. That's perhaps the hardest thing about writing dialogue for Rarity. She has a very carefully wrought idiolect that is hard to get and very easy to cock up, which I feel you have...
It's... It's not even easy to say where you've gone wrong, it simply doesn't sound like Rarity, but someone who is impersonating Rarity but who lacks her attention to language (not to cast aspersions on you). This is one of those 'one knows it when one hears it' things...
If it helps, the early lines felt natural, but things got worse as you went on. Perhaps you paid a little less attention to dialogue as you concentrated more on events?
Which brings me on to events... Your story has events, but it doesn't have a true narrative. It reads as a list of events - an outline of the story you want to tell, not as a story complete unto itself (I understand that this is only chapter one).
You need to flesh things out much more.
Please take this criticism in the spirit in which it is meant
I quite liked it... but i feel as if your story doesn't shed enough light on the feelings of the characters. And that you could have spent a little more time giving a description of the surroundings.
i hope to see more!
Its good some errors one being that SWEETIE BELLE DOES NOT LIVE WITH RARITY!! i'm sorry but it just getting SO annoying that people forget sweetie live with there parents
interesting...
i shall see where this goes. right now, youre lookin at a 4 star rating or so. but i wanna give you 5 so this better be pretty dang good when its done 
haha
54227
She does visit often though. Geez how else does she hang out with the CMC so much?
lol spike
i feel like octavia needs a little more characterization, she seems like she's entirely based on her high-class speaking. but hey, i still like it. keep it up! 
69066
Feel free to let me know any way it can be improved.
.....why twilight, why do you always find love for somepony at the worst time possible?
doing well, i really like it~
Spike,there are just somethings you best not read...
92163 au contraire, mon ami. spike needs to read that book to impress rarity! i bet there's a section on moustaches.
wait a minute.. EVERYPONY and also spike WANTS TO IMPRESS RARITY!!! 
92492
Oh wow, thank you for pointing that out.
WHERES PART FOUR DAMN IT!!
Hmmm... as people are saying. Its a good story and all, but I am finding it lacking... Rarity doesn't seem to be herself and the talking is a bit... silted.
errypony and spike gots the hots for rarity.
lol
WHERES CHAPTER 5 STOP TAKING LONG FOOL!!
So......
This dead, or...?
1444989
I've slowly lost the motivation to continue this, and forgotten most of the ideas I had planned. However, if there are people who still strongly want to see this continue, I may start it up again.