Life in the Tree Branches

by ISKV

Mistake of a Lifetime

***If you paid money to read this, you've been ripped off***

I was once an assistant on a research vessel, the UGS Star Seer. It was not the biggest ship, nor did it house anyone important, but it was one of the toughest, allowing us to go places that would completely destroy a regular ship. Like the inside of a star for example. Our mission was to gather and process information from whatever celestial body and anything on them that hadn’t been observed properly. We had just come from Lucifer’s Nebula, a beautifully red cloud in the infinite cosmos. It was one of the least researched nebulae due to its violent nature, hence its name. Dr. Mobius, the lead researcher, also my boss, had finally gotten his hands on a sample of the core gas, gas that existed only in the center of this nebula.

Of all the times I made a mistake, it was the worst possible time.

It was just that one time...Just once. The gas was supposed to yield countless secrets. It did however, yield a foul stench...And something that made Swiss cheese out of the ship's superstructure.

Heh...Whoops.

Let’s just say that I accidentally used gasoline instead of water. After this accident, he decided that I worked better alone and I was “promoted” to the rank of field researcher.

AKA-GTFO

Not four hours after my promotion, I was sent away to Edyax VIII for field training.

Hey, it was that or conscription. And let me tell you, Alliance military is harsh. The training is harsh, the punishment is harsh, even the guns are harsh. They buy an infinite number of cheap weapons that have been known to blow up in your face. And the worst part is that they don't even try to hide it. So I went with staring at the locals for a couple months.

My mission was simple, for an indefinite period, get in, lay low, and gather info. My destination-Planet AMF-19034 or as we call it, Neo-Greece, due to its uncanny number of creatures previously thought to exist only in myths. It was a varying planet, some parts lush, some dry, some cold, and so on. Much like our own Earth. Specifically, I was to observe the customs and culture of a country filled with, of all creatures, Ponies. I was to only to observe them from a distance. No contact, no mess. Countless spy satellites had passed over the region before, but there was only so much you could learn from satellites. But after abducting several specimens, we learned much, much more.

Of course this being my first mission, I had to first go through training, how to gather food, how to stay hidden, how to observe, and how to use the camouflage set. The set consisted of a camouflage suit which resembled a Ghillie suit and a “Spy Watch” we liked to call it. The suit allowed for two different levels of camouflage and the watch gave the wearer the ability to change into a single creature, should contact occur. The basic training was the easy part.

The hard part was the specific details which differed depending on your destination. I personally found learning how to live as your chosen creature the most difficult. My friend had to learn how to write with claws the size of a hand, another had to learn how to act like he was one with the horde, the person behind us had to practice flying with the two pairs of wings on her back. I had to learn how to live as a unicorn. That meant using magic and walking with four legs. I swore I saw this in a cartoon once.

The first time transforming felt nauseating at worst, awkward at best. Why a unicorn? Practicality over preference is what they told me. The magic would allow me to operate equipment without having to rely on hooves or to change back. Dark green coat, black hair or mane they insisted, and black (or just really dark brown) eyes. Apparently that scheme had been chosen so I could hide in the forest better in the case I was without my camouflage suit. Walking was actually pretty easy, save for the fact that I would have to do Tarzan stunts as a quadruped. Magic was just plain confusing. By the time I had been able to get some sparks to fly from my horn, my friend said I looked like I had constipation.

She even kept yelling "Use the Force!"

Very funny Pria.

~Months Later~

I'm still surprised. Never had I thought I could harness magic. I started out slamming the binoculars against my head, giving me a pair of black eyes, now, I was able to move a pair of binoculars from the table and bring them to my eyes, pack and unpack my equipment, and move a marble through a maze without it touching the walls. I have to tell you, it was pretty cool.

I was more surprised that I was able to beat the forest and the urban course both under a minute and in both forms. After injecting me with "Physical Enhancement" or something, they said I could do even better. All I heard was STEROIDS.

All in all, they said I was ready.

***

"Tensions are high, as the Universal Liberation Fleet continues to threaten civilian and government planets. While the General has promised to target, and to eventually neutralize the threat, the ULF has been determined to have no such "Snake's Head" forcing the Alliance of the Nine from outright warfare into policing suspected sectors of interest. While only a month ago the ULF was considered nothing more than fanatics, that picture was violently torn down when an attack against an Alliance command ship resulted in a victory for the ULF. Widespread panic has gripped the people. Not only-"

6:00 AM Earth Time. I slammed my hand down onto the alarm clock radio to turn it off. Galactic News was nice and all, but when all of the radios in the Alliance was set only to that station because of some bullshit about "Enemy Propaganda" and such, it gets tiring. Not to mention GN sometimes broadcasts their own propaganda. Hypocritical bastards.

I knew I needed to move. I was to take a shuttle back to the Star Seer and from there space jump down onto the surface. I'll admit right now.

I've never gone space jumping.

***

From the first moment they kicked my ass out the door, I had one and only one word on my mind.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Still pissed apparently.

***

5000 METERS Said the useful HUD on my helmet.
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

***

1000 METERS-DEPLOYING PARACHUTE In red letters said my helmet.
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

***
CONTACT
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-Dho!"

I took off my helmet and I breathed like I never breathed before. Then I breathed hard enough that I choked. How do you choke on air?

After calming down, I noticed it was nighttime when I reached the ground. I look around to see silhouettes of the trees with the moon in the background. I could make a living selling postcards of this place. Very calming, very scenic.

My custom made bag had been sent first and the red flare revealed the location of the leather bag. It was made so I could carry it both as a human and as a unicorn. Thank you supply manager for having this wonderful insight.

Inside the bag was a collection of obsolete equipment. All field researchers were issued the most obsolete equipment possible in case anything got stolen or found by the technologically naive natives. Actually the real reason was that it was just cheap.

Binoculars with long range audio listening device thingy, multiple camouflage tarps, machete, a small toolbox also containing cleaning equipment, medical kit, reusable red and green flares, survival clothes, and a map. Real paper too. Hell, I don't even thing they had paperwork anymore but they still gave me this? I know I was trained for it but...still...

The most technologically advanced items were my "Spy Watch," my camouflage suit, a tablet for recording logs and for communicating with the Star Seer, and an alarm clock radio. At least everything was made to last.

Looking at the map, it seems that I landed in the middle a forest. My target was a small town...almost twelve miles away. I know that my body (both human and unicorn) had been boosted by the STEROIDS, but I still had the mindset of a little nerd trying to find his place. I started running.

***

With a mile to go, I decide that this was as good as any place to set up my base. And that's when I realized I was missing something essential. ROPE! Bastards didn't even include rope!

Pushing the need for twisted fibers out of my mind, I took out my machete and chopped off some branches off of a nearby willow to use as a rope substitute. After choosing and climbing a tree up to the middle, I crudely fashioned a platform out of some branches and then used camouflage tarp as both the roof and as a floor covering. It was big enough to lay down in, and it even had a convenient broken branch to hang my bag. The floor on the other hand was itchy, something kept poking me, and it felt like it it would fall apart, but it was good enough.

I soon fell asleep to the wind gently rocking the branches.

Logbook Entry #1

Alliance of the Nine

The Alliance was formed when six systems allied themselves with three massive corporations that made a variety of products from toenail shampoo to state-of-the-art Juggernaut class cruisers. The corporations eventually merged, creating the biggest monopoly in all of history. The governments of the six systems traded ideas, cultures, and customs, eventually creating a mixed but common culture, not unlike the Hellenistic culture that resulted from Alexander the Great's conquests on the planet Earth. The military is controlled by The General, a figure whose origins are kept secret even to the council for security reasons. He has full control over the armed forces without having to deal with any red tape. The arsenal of the military consists of countless cheap weapons and disposable fighters. Both are made flimsy so there will always be a continuous flow of cash to the corporation. The fighters come in twelve designer colors, although that doesn't mean much when you have a squadron on your tail. But at least you'll go out in style! You also have the option of extra explosives so you will go out with a bang as well.

Logbook Entry #2

Universal Liberation Fleet

Not much is known of this mysterious force, but its origins are confirmed. A disgruntled Lieutenant General was cheated out of being a full general due to a paperwork error purposely set by his rival. After attempting a coup, he took the remainder of his forces and fled to an unknown region where he accepted pilots and soldiers who were tired of feeling worthless. Without a large number of factories or barracks at their disposal, the ULF has put quality over quantity, with an extreme example being a single modified ULF Falcon fighter fending off eighty Vespula fighters. After running out of ammunition half way through, the pilot decided to simply ram the enemies. Before he could ram the last one, the Alliance fighter got in a lucky shot, igniting his fuel and obliterating the ULF fighter. The stranded pilot then threw debris towards the final Alliance fighter. The fighter then exploded in a ball of blue flame and the smell of cheap air freshener. For the next hour or so, the stranded pilots continued throwing debris at each other and exchanged many middle fingers.

Comments

[nicksterra]

The stranded pilot then threw debris towards

the final Alliance fighter. The fighter then exploded in a ball of blue flame and the smell of

cheap air freshener. For the next hour or so, the stranded pilots continued throwing debris at

each other and exchanged many middle fingers.

Bwaha. That's funny shit.