Jack_Ranger
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I think u need to revisit this chapter and add more than what you have down like your characters name, which is not given at all. Also you never described them either, like their race or ethnicity, age, gender, hair or eye color. There is nothing given to your readers to tell them how they should be picturing your character.
Next is the setting, is it Equestria or our world? Where are they fighting? Where in Equestria or Earth are they fighting?
And finally why are they fighting or what occurred to cause this war between the two worlds? Most military stories can get away with a firefight at the beginning because as the firefight is happening the narrator would tell of how the war they are fighting came to be, but this doesn't give me any detail as to what is going on or why.
Am happy. Keep writing.
People probably dislike this because they don't like seeing humans lose against ponies. Just an assumption, so don't, yeah. Murder me. Otherwise it's well written, and is going places.
Keep calm and carry on.
7521691 Thank you for the feedback. I will say that the "why?" of the matter will be answered in later chapters. I ommited the details in this chapter because this is written from the protagonist's point of view, and what he is thinking in that moment. He isn't going to worry about the politics of the war he is fighting while in the middle of combat. Once he gets to sit back for a bit in the next few chapters, it will be discussed in detail.
But you are right, I somehow completely forgot to say anything about the protagonist's appearance or personality and the setting of the chapter. Will definitely have to do some revisions before I continue. Thanks for pointing that out.
7522054 Thanks for reading. I was chalking the dislikes up to the high military vibe this chapter gave off (which should balance out later. Heck, next few chapters won't even have combat). If their problem really is humans losing, then they won't like the rest of the story. Title alone should be a hint of where this is going.
7522151 aye. Keep it up. I'm here for the trip, and hoping that it's long and flavourful.
If you can, have his crew just hanging out talking about their family and lives back home before military (yes even if you are going to kill them later).
Ghost by John Ringo, amazing author btw, would give you the name of a terrorist his protagonist was about to kill and he would describe their life back home months before: what they used to do for a living, what his family was like, and what led him to this lifestyle. Then "BANG", the terrorist would be killed. Pointless as it sounds it made the terrorist feel more real to the reader.
7522506 I would consider it, if the chapter wasn't already long enough as it is. Adding random backstories for every Ranger in the convoy, knowing they will die before the chapter is over, would really wear me out as well as practically double the length of the chapter. I'm not saying I couldn't do it, but it feels like wasted effort to me. Hell, the only reason I gave any of them names is because the first draft just kept repeating the word "Ranger" every other sentence, which got old fast.
I really appreciate the suggestion, and I might end up doing something similar later in the story for his pony squad. Problem with that is, I suck at coming up with pony OC names. Everything good seems already taken, and I really don't want to steal. So I might just have to incorporate reader OCs into the squad to be killed mercilessly later (with permission, of course). If not, they shall remain as nameless as every other background pony.
Now were getting somewhere!
A story can start anywhere in a timeline: at the beginning, at the end, or any where in between... it's just a literary tool. The downside of posting incomplete stories is not having an immediate answer to what, when, where, and how. This technique can cause confusion... thus be a turn off, but it can also "wet" a reader's appetite.
Anyway:
I like this first chapter - was quick and fast (like a firefight).
You have a very good story with a unique perspective. And I like your writing style. This is the reason why I put a great effort in writing, and rewriting) my comments to your prologues.
I only hope that my story will be half as good as yours.
By the way ponies have a great strategy:
Allow the humans to aquire a sizable foothold (or hoofold) in Marehattan.
Make it appear that the Royal Guards have withdrawn; leaving the militia to continue a gorilla fight.
Braeburn underestimates militia, assumes there is no Royal Guard or pony soldiers.
He didn't even catch on to the blue scout pony teasing his convoy into an ambush.
These are his mistakes; even the best of soldiers can make these errors.
Other strategies:
A multiple-pronged counter-attack by the ponies.
I assume the human air support was taken out... either by destroying them on the ground and/or possibly using armed Pegasi. If I was a fighter pilot in the air I would not want to go up against Rainbow Dash and her rainbow boom. She's too fast and is highly maneuverable compared to the best of our fighter aircraft. but I digress.
A sound defeat such as this may give humans pause.
Soooo, what's next? Evil soldiers attacking a hospital in order to give the ponies a bad name? A Hospital mistaken as a military target (yeah, like that happens… oh wait, it has!). I can barely wait!
7522768
Dude, holy shit you seriously need an editor fast.
7523753 getting to know the others wouldn't be getting all touchy feely as you said, i simply suggested it would make them feel more real to the readers so that once a sense of loss kicks in the reader can feel the main protagonists emotions as if they were him.
It is a great way to get readers invested in a story.
I like it, making combat as real as it could be. Quick question, about the M2, are you refering to the Bradley AFV?
7524571 No, I'm talking about the M2 Browning .50 caliber machine gun. The kind you usually see mounted on the roof of a Humvee or tank.
7524075 The original prologue was simply to gauge reader interest in what I originally had planned. The story has had some major changes since then, which is why I didn't do a repeat performance on the prologue. Seemed redundant to me. I agree I may have started this off a bit too fast, which is something I need to watch out for in the future, but I think for this story it works well enough. The backstory should mostly come in the next few chapters, while the character actually has time to sit and think about they 'why' of everything. If it seems kinda everywhere to you, please keep in mind I'm not planning too far ahead with this. It's a labor of love I'm pretty much making up as I go.
7524041 I agree, but any particular reason you pointed that out? And who exactly would do it?
7525093
Click here: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
Your welcome!
7525836 Appreciate it. But again, why exactly do I need an editor?
7526132
Haven't you noticed the hates or the comments?
Your story feels like it needs an editor. Not only that, but it didn't go well. Just get an editor and the best way to help is by using Google docs. And here's some tips on working on your story:
#1 Must have cigarettes!
#2 Must talk very loudly!
#3 Must scold and criticize police and vigilantes!
Don't take those tips seriously.
And you need cover art as well. Here's the link: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/295/art-for-fanfiction
It doesn't measure on losses. It measures on gains.
7526164 How did it not go well? You're being pretty vague.
7526174
I'm sorry if i am. I'm just pointing out some important stuff that needs to be discussed.
But like i said, it doesn't measures on losses, it measures gains. And your gains are pretty low.
7526184 Fair enough, but I'm just trying to figure out what important things you're trying to point out. All you've really said was that I need an editor fro some reason and custom cover-art (which I will agree I do. Thank you for that)
7526217
There could be grammar errors you haven't noticed. So there's that.
7526218 Oh, I know there are. I spotted some in Google docs when doing that update for chapter one. Never found them on the Fimfiction version.
On a side note, if you see any, please let me know. They've been driving me insane!
7526231
I'm not an editor. So go find one.
And the grammar errors, does not depend on the words. It depends on the story. You have A LOT of work to get though.
I hope you got my email that I sent to you.
This website is has some hangups when I use my iPhone 6.
Prrgansta:
You are right.. and I was an idiot for making those statements.
This story is practically doomed from the start. I can guarantee that many Anti-Misanthropists will leap on this story and rip it to shreds, while others will just hate it because of a bandwagon. I myself already dislike this story because of the Former, the story is blatant "Humans be bad mang".
7544869 Well, thanks for shattering what little motivation I had left to continue this story. Appreciate it. But it wasn't my intention to be misanthropic. I'm sorry you got that vibe. I'd ask how you think I could fix it, but I honestly don't know if it can be fixed at this point.
freak out from being drugged. attacked by guard for being human. possibilitie are endless
Not bad
What's a MiE?
7553959 "Military in Equestria" i believe.
This is going to be interesting.
7553972 You know it
Prolonged hospital stay?
7554231 He had a broken leg and a huge chunk of metal slice through his side. Nobody short of a Call of Duty player can walk away from something like that without some time in the hospital.
7554254 I was trying to imply his new night guard could possible due. Was not complaining about him still in hospital.
7554272 Ah. Sorry about that, I'm kinda tired. I should not be up this late, but I gotta get a head start on the next couple of chapters while the ideas are still in my head.
7554278 all good man..... Dont over work your self " work smarter not harder"
7554282 Please, I've done worse than this. Working a year and a half on night shift at McDonald's teaches you how to work with no sleep. Besides, it's when my mind is most creative.
I don't think America would start a war over something like this. This isn't the Bush era.
7555605 So, their men getting caught and captured wouldn't spark conflict between two tense nations? Also, this is alternate universe, so the nation's leader isn't the same as our current lineup.
7555614
No, cuz we had that with Iran and it didn't result in an outright war.
7555617 Well, maybe it went down a bit differently this time. Like I said, it's a different universe, different leader.
Hoping dash picks up one of the guards' dropped weapons soon.
7575368 Who knows? With how distraught she is right now, she might not think of it. Blackburn would have to do it for her.
I feel the need to ask this...
Why did the ponies side with the tyrannical regimes of China and RUSSIA, two countries not exactly known for advancing ideals of tolerance or equality or fairness or friendship?
7575450 They got there before we did, and a silver-tongued Putin fed the princesses enough bullshit for them not to trust us when we first went in. It went downhill from there.
7575475
Yet you very clearly want us to side with the ponies here.
...do you not see the cognitive dissonance in this? It's like saying "You should totally trust this new superhero! They're all about standing up for what's right!"
"Okay, who're they friends with?"
"The Joker and Lex Luthor!"
"....uhhhhhhhhhh..."