"But, Toxic. I don't wanna move!" Cyanide said in an extremely loud and pleading voice.
"Cyanide, I was asked to become a student of the College of Cloudsdale. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!" He responded.
"You got your beakers?" His father asked him.
"Yes."'
"Chemical set?"
"Yes."
"Goggles?" He asked me before he started to pat himself down.
"Here you go. You better not break these, they were your grandfather's." He told him in a stern voice.
"Everybody ready?" Toxic asked.
Cyanide and Ecstasy said in unison "Yes." We boarded the train to Ponyville. "Hey Toxic If you are our brother, how are we Unicorns and you are a Pegasus?" Cyanide asked.
"Well, Mom's entire family were Unicorns. Dad is a Pegasu-" He said before Ecstasy cut him off.
"Dad is an Earth pony..." She responded in her ever monotone voice.
" Nay nay! Ever notice the two scars on dad's sides? He got into an accident and his wings were mangled. So he had them removed." I responded. "It's getting late. Go to sleep." He said. He heard Cyanide grumble some thing, he could make out "Didn't, want, leave, Canterlot." and that was it. They arrived the next day, they took their belongings off of the train. They were greeted by a bubbly pink Earth Pony.
"Hiya, I'm Pinkie Pie." She told them with an enormous smile.
"Toxic Boom, and these are my sisters." He said with a nervous tone. "Cyanide..." He said pointing to the filly with the neon blue mane and gray coat. "And Ecstasy..." Pointing to the other filly with a cherry red mane and tan coat. Ecstasy still having that blank expression.
"Allow me to show you around!" Pinkie pie said as she pulled Toxic along. She took them to many places. Though she did focus a lot on Sugarcube Corner.
"Okay, Pinkie. We are gonna go home now." He said before place his sisters on his back and running. They ran to a house shaped a lot like a mushroom cloud.
"Oh, this house is trying to tell us something." Cyanide said in a joking and nervous tone.
"Relax...." Toxic replied. "Okay, I'll get the house set up. You go around town." He said to his sisters. He saw that most of the house was already furnished. "Not like Canterlot, I have to admit." He went to check the closest. He looked in what he designated his room. He took everything out of his bags. To his dismay, all his chemicals and beakers broke and leaked out. His goggles were still safe, as he put them on top of his head before leaving. He pulled out his tattered lab coat. "Oh, that...." He said remembering the incident when he tried to mix Bromine with Chlorine Dioxide. "That's two things on my list today." He said as he walked to the front door. "Pinkie did say that there is a boutique somewhere here, and a small family owned store here." Pointing on a map of ponyville. "Onward, to my chores!" He exclaimed as he stampeded out of the door.
Could go a lot slower... I imagine most authors making a first chapter around 2,000 words at least, and you could have really fleshed out the move to actually give characterization and detail. Your telling me stuff, I want to see it. I'll track to see how it goes and give it a 3 star rating for now.
Considering I've never done a story before, your already doing better then I have. But if you want to make a serious commitment to Fanfic writing I suggest you learn my previous points.
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Thanks, I don't write stories often so I haven't gotten my skills all done out. But thanks for viewing.
There could be many things that could be improved with this:
1. You need to develop the characters a bit. Maybe explain how Cyanide, Ecstasy and Toxic are related. You should introduce the characters early on in the story
2. Space the story out a bit. I'll show you a prime example
" Nay nay! Ever notice the two scars on dad's sides? He got into an accident and his wings were mangled. So he had them removed." I responded. "It's getting late. Go to sleep." He said. He heard Cyanide grumble some thing, he could make out "Didn't, want, leave, Canterlot." and that was it. They arrived the next day, they took their belongings off of the train. They were greeted by a bubbly pink Earth Pony.
The arrival in Ponyville was a bit abrupt. one minute, they were on the train, and the next minute, they already arrived at Ponyville. A scene break between the tow parts would of been nice.
3. More detail, (I'm such a hypocrite) The character design is, basic at best. You described about the mane and coat, but that is it. There should be more detail. Add what their cutie marks are, and describe the feature more. (Maybe Cyanide has a shortened, neon blue mane, which had a ponytail, or something like that)
4?. Word count, The word count is a bit small, but it would increase significantly if you improved the fic with the tips above.
Unfortunately, I would have to give it a 1.5 star, not enough description, no character development and too abrupt.
Well for point 1, the description tells the relation. For the others, I can agree.