My Life as a Post-Adolescent Pony

by Unicorncob

19 - Paid In Exposure

Svengallop was gracious enough to take over my 'sit on the floor with your hooves cuffed together' duty, and the group of gathered Ponies kept their gazes on him. His little round glasses stood crooked on his nose, and his puffy mane was messy.

"What in Celestia's name are you doing here alone?" asked Hawkshaw. "Where is your escort?"
"Back in Manehattan, I assume," Svengallop answered flatly. "I'd hoped to get back there before the idiot found out I'd left town when I gave him the slip."
"What are you even doing out of jail in the first place?" asked Twilight.
"He was granted parole for good behaviour, Your Highness," Hawkshaw explained. "But the terms explicitly state that he must be accompanied by a guard when travelling around. Rest assured, I will have strong words with his parole officer."

If that was the case, I had two explanations. Either Svengallop was really good at evading the law, or these guards were really bad at their job. Still, I had an opportunity to wipe the smug off Hawkshaw's face, and I wasn't going to squander it.

"If everypony's sitting comfortably," I began, "I've got a great Hearth's Warming story for you all. I call it How the Bitter Manager Stole Fashion."
"Don't roll off the tongue so good, if ya ask me," Applejack murmured to Rarity, who quietly shushed her.
"Let's start with our first bits of evidence," I continued, pretending to ignore that. "The apples, store-bought despite there being a bountiful harvest from Sweet Apple Acres. Only an out-of-towner like Svengallop would make that kind of mistake."
"Y'all were a big help with that harvest, Sharp," the cowmare piped up again, tipping her hat. I didn't mind that interruption as much.
"Next, the 'orange fur' found at the scene. Detective, if you'd hold them against our suspect's mane?"
Reluctantly, Hawkshaw took the baggie from his satchel and levitated it against Svengallop's head.
"It's a perfect match!" he gasped.
"Oh, like I'm the only Pony in Equestria with that colour mane," spat Svengallop. "That doesn't prove anything."
"The hat and wig found in the dumpster behind Carousel Boutique is trickier to pin down," I admitted, "but I know a fashion artist like Rarity wouldn't sell cheap plastic and sequins in her shop."
"Oh, perish the thought," Rarity gagged, sticking her tongue out. "I would sooner take a holiday in Tartarus."
"So you automatically assume it was me?" asked Svengallop, rolling his eyes. "As you've just proven, Detective, I clearly have no need for a wig."

I had to admit, the photo was the one stumping me. There was no concrete way to pin it on Sven, and I just knew Hawkshaw was going to say as much, as snidely as possible.

"Actually, I did some digging into those two items," the detective said, to my surprise. "The hat was purchased from hat vendor by a hooded Pony, and the wig was commissioned anonymously from a costume shop, both situated in Manehattan. And we've confirmed Svengallop was in the city before coming to Ponyville."
"And you just assume I wanted to use them to commit a crime?" asked Svengallop.
"If you didn't," I said, "then why keep it a secret?"
He pursed his lips. "W-well, even if I that was the case, I'd hardly have the time. I only arrived in Ponyville this morning. Yes, I arrived after the crime took place."
"And yet, you had a lot of information about said crime," Hawkshaw pointed out. "Details were held close to the chest."

Every time Basil spoke, I looked at him wondering if I was imagining it. He kept warning me to keep away from all this, and now he was helping me?

"This is all just baseless conjecture!" the culprit spat. "Sure, you can book me on violating my parole, but robbing a boutique and framing another Pony for it? Why would I come all the way out to this cesspit just for that?"

I grinned, wide enough to get a few unsettled glances. Finally, it was time for my secret weapon!

"You want a motive?" I opened my saddlebag and slapped the articles from Twilight's records in front of him. "I got your motive right here."

They were pages from newspapers and magazines, and reading the headlines gave Svengallop a face like he was either about to soil the floor or try to eat me.

MANAGER'S MISTREATMENT MADE MANIFEST

SVEN RESIGNS!! SUPERSTAR SOARS SOLO!

COLORATURA INNOCENT! GLAMMY SABOTEUR UNCOVERED!

"Princess Twilight revealed your attempt to tamper with a music festival, leading to you and Coloratura parting ways," I explained. "You quit, hoping to see her flounder without your stellar guidance, but instead her career took off to new heights without you. She's become arguably the biggest musician in Equestria, and you just couldn't stand it." I tapped the third article. "Leading to you using Crownpiece, Songbird Serenade's manager, and your own sister might I add, to sabotage the Glammy Awards and pin the blame on Coloratura. Which led to your arrest."

I took his snarl as permission to carry on, and I happily obliged.

"Which brings us to last night. You knew Coloratura and Applejack here are close friends, so once you learned that Rarity was creating a new line of clothes to celebrate your ex-client, you decided to go for the jugular. Steal the prized recreated tour jacket, frame Coloratura's close friend for the crime in the name of envy, and watch as Coloratura's career spirals in a sea of controversy and heartbreak. So, using the bustle of the Hearth's Warming market as cover, you rooted through Rarity's things while she was onstage, sneaked into the shop and, using your disguise, planted bogus evidence. And naturally, you hung back in the crowd to watch the fruits of your labour, hence your still hanging around town instead of hightailing it back to Manehattan. And when I cleared Applejack and got on your trail, you tried a last-ditch attempt to pin the crime on me. You're an awful manager, Sven, but you're an even worse criminal."

All was silent, and I decided to soak in the admiration. At least, I assumed they were admiring me. Hawkshaw probably wasn't. Svengallop certainly wasn't, as he just began to laugh. Like a lunatic trying to behave himself at a fancy dress ball.

"Bravo, sir," he chortled, "quite the Hearth's Warming story, indeed. If my hooves were free, I'd applaud you."
"You deny it?" I asked.
"Of course I do, you moron!" he snapped, making me jolt. "My knowledge of events may contradict with what you think I was doing last night, but I still stand by what I said. I arrived in Ponyville this morning to evade my parole, and you can't prove otherwise."
"Au contraire." I prodded a hoof into his parka. Right on the hot cocoa stain. "I saw you with my own eyes. You owe me five bits, by the way."
"A stain that I received in Manehattan last night?" he retorted, his pupils darting. He was running out of ideas. "Besides, I've never seen you before in my life!"
"And yet, Mr. Sharp speaks the truth," Hawkshaw butted in. From his satchel, he presented a new photograph. A coloured one of a scene in the Hearth's Warming market. "A photographer was present for the local newspaper, and I paid a visit to their office."

I took a closer look. That was clearly my back, and Svengallop's front stained with the hot cocoa he'd made me drop. With all the lights and sounds in the market, I must have missed the flash of a camera.

"A word of advice, Mr. Gallop," he went on. "If you're going to lie, at least be good at it."

Svengallop looked at Hawkshaw. Then at me. Then at Applejack. Then at the ground. He took a quiet, shaky breath.

"It was meant to be perfect," he breathed. "Frame Coloratura's friend for ruining her reputation by associating with a jealous criminal. She'd have no choice but to beg me to come back and fix everything, like I always did. I'd finally get my life back." He looked at me with a glare I'd only seen in quiet slasher movies. "But no, you had to come along. First that infernal hick mare and princess. Then that annoying party Pony. And now you. Some nopony who crawled out of the dirt to play investigator, just because he had nothing better to do."

He looked back down at his hooves.

"Well, I may not get the Hearth's Warming gift I wanted," he continued, "but I won't go back to jail empty-hooved!"

With no warning, he pounced me. I fell on my back, with his weight pinning me down. He pressed the chain of the cuffs against my neck, my breathing cut off by the pressure. Thankfully it was only for a moment, as one of the guards quickly tackled him off me. I scrambled to my hooves, coughing.

"Sharp Sight!" gasped Twilight, swooping to my side. "Are you okay?!"
"I'll live," I rasped, taking in big gasps of air.
"Just when Ah thought this lil' snake couldn't sink any lower," growled Applejack through her teeth. She was hogtying Svengallop with a lasso for a bit of further humiliation.
"I trust you'll give him a much stricter punishment now, Twilight," said Rarity.
"Don't worry, Rarity," said the princess, "After this, I'm going to sentence him personally. Take him to the Royal Dungeon," she ordered the guards, who obeyed without question. One hoisted Sven onto her back and they both trotted out.
I swallowed. Not just to check that my gullet still worked, but also out of getting a little unnerved by how cold Twilight sounded.
"Basil," she continued, "I trust you'll be available for the court hearing?"
"Naturally, Your Highness." Hawkshaw took a bow. "I'll return to Canterlot with haste."
Twilight nodded and turned to me. "That was some good thinking, Sharp. You really worked all that out right away."
I shrugged and rubbed behind my head. "The clues just fell into place in my head, is all."
"You're certainly living up to your cutie mark," she smiled proudly. "Well, I'd better get to Canterlot and prepare this trial. Are you two definitely one-hundred-percent okay?"
"We're absolutely fine now, Twilight," Rarity assured her, "especially thanks to our Hearth's Warming hero."
"Go do whatcha gotta do," Applejack added, "we've got stuff ta do too."

Twilight nodded and shot me another smile before flashing out of view.

I turned to Hawkshaw, who was getting his effects in order. "Hey, thanks for backing me up."
He looked up at me, his eyes blank with indifference. "You performed... adequately, for an amateur. But I advise you leave it to a licensed investigator next time."
"I won't lie, I thought you were gonna grill me just as much as Sven."
"I'm a professional, Mr. Sharp," he said. "You presented a strong argument backed with evidence, and I deemed your line of reasoning worthy of support. Nothing more."
I smirked. "So you're saying there's a chance we can be friends?"
He scoffed. "Hardly. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have to clean the smell of dirt off of me before I prepare my notes for the trial. Good day."

The detective sauntered out with his chin high in the air, leaving me with Applejack and Rarity.

"Oh, Sharp!" the latter gushed, throwing her hooves around me. "That was magnificent, darling!"
"Mighty fine sleuthin', sugarcube," Applejack smiled. "Thanks a bunch fer clearin' mah name."
"You two helped me when I first arrived in Ponyville--well, Equestria--so it was the least I could do. I just didn't think I'd do so well."
"Sounds like y'all were made fer that kinda work, unlike somepony." The cowmare's lip curled. "He might be from Canterlot, but he's still a real Manehattan city slicker."
"Well, no good deed goes unrewarded in Equestria," Rarity said firmly. "I've noticed you staring at that jacket through my window for the past week--if you'd like one, it's yours. Free of charge."
I stared at her, mouth agape. "Really? I took a job at Barnyard Bargains to afford it!"
"Put those bits toward your house payments, darling," she smiled.
"Ah owe ya one too, Sharp," said Applejack. "Ah'm sure Ah can spare an apple pie ta sling ya fer Hearth's Warmin' dinner."
"Really, you're both too kind," I said modestly. Then something Rarity said occurred to me. "Wait--if I'd like one?"
"Did you really think that display model is the only one that exists?" The fashionista chortled lightheartedly. "I've made a dozen of them in each size! They've been selling like Pinkie's hotcakes all season."

She trotted around a corner and soon returned with a jacket resembling the one I'd spent all day panicking over. I wasn't sure if I was relieved she had more than one, amused at how Svengallop's plan was all for naught, or annoyed that she had more than one.

"There you go, darling," she said, setting it in a fancy paper bag. "That size will fit your lady friend just right." She winked.
My face flushed bright red. "Wha-?!"
"Aw, everypony can see yer holdin' a candle fer Rivershine," chuckled Applejack, giving me a gentle nudge. "A nice gift and a yummy bite ta eat will sure help ya along."
"...was it that obvious?" I squeaked.
"Even Twilight can see it, dear," Rarity giggled. "Now, I don't wish to rush you out, but as Applejack said, we all have important things to get on with."
"Oh! Right, of course," I said, taking the bag. "Sorry for keeping you two. Thanks a lot, and uh, happy Hearth's Warming."

---

The next day was Hearth's Warming Eve, and I was happy to spend it at home after all that excitement.

Some part of me was thankful that I was just as dreadful wrapping gifts with hooves as I was with fingers. The jacket for Rivershine and the smaller gifts for the Mane Six were stuffed into piles of wrapping paper and mummified with tape. Pinkie Pie had offered to do it for me--how she found out, I'd never know--but I insisted on doing it myself. Mainly because she clearly hadn't thought about how it meant I'd see the gift I got for her.

"If it's for me, I won't tell me!" she'd said.

I almost wished I'd taken her up on the offer, given the dog's breakfast I'd made of the attempt. But then again, it was more about what was inside the abused colourful paper, right? I was sure Twilight and her friends would at least appreciate the little things I got them, but the thought of Rivershine's face when she saw the jacket she wanted... it made my heart do flips in my chest.

I looked outside the window, and watched the calm, gentle snowfall build up into a white blanket on the ground and rooftops. It made a nice contrast to the locals rushing around in a last-minute panic to get their preparations done for tomorrow. Weeks of decorating and supplying just for one day... when I thought about it, it was no less weird here than it was in my old world.

That was when a flash of clarity hit me. I was probably so comfortable with being a Pony because, by the looks of it, they weren't that much different from humans. Sure, they could fly by themselves, make things appear out of thin air using special appendages and had supernatural tattoos on their backsides, but they also had a lot of similar traditions, concerns and personalities I would have found back then. Only... a lot more tolerable now.

I glanced into the kitchen, and the large box Applejack had brought me yesterday evening sitting on the counter. True to her word, she'd thanked me for clearing her name by personally delivering what she said was an apple pie. As grateful as I was, that was one big box. There was no way that could be a serving for one Pony, unless Applejack truly did eat like a horse. But I'd have to use it somehow, since I couldn't just disrespect such a nice gesture. In fact, this town had no shortage of nice gestures.

I found myself hoping Twilight wasn't in a rush to get me back to the human world, because I wasn't in a rush to leave.

I set a sack of bits and paperwork into a parcel and taped it up, then stuffed the Mane Six's gifts into the Carousel Boutique bag I brought the jacket home in. It wasn't too late into the afternoon, so I was certain I still had time. I pulled my hoodie on, grabbed my things and set out.

My first stop was the post office. Naturally, there was a long line of customers waiting to have parcels and letters sent off last-minute. Hopefully they were local, otherwise they wouldn't get anywhere near where they were going by tomorrow. But then, if they were local deliveries, why didn't they just deliver their stuff themselves instead of bothering the poor victim of the public sector behind the desk?

And yet, here you are, trying to deliver a parcel locally.

In the name of bureaucratic awkwardness, I reminded myself.

Thankfully, the line was moving quickly enough, and I was soon looking across the counter at a grey Pegasus mare in a charming brown shirt and hat. She gave me a friendly smile as her yellow eyes fixed on me. Well, one of them did, anyway. As usual, I had no idea what the other one was doing.

"Hi, Sharp Sight," she said, a little slowly but cheerfully none the less. "How can I help you?"
"Hey, Ditzy," I said, setting the parcel on the counter. "Just another mortgage payment, so no rush getting it out."
"Sure," she said, reaching beneath the desk. Her wings knocked some papers onto the floor as she rummaged around down there. She soon reemerged with another sheet. "Here we go! Okay, who is the sender?"
"Sharp Sight."
"And the recipient?"
"The Housing Department, Ponyville Town Hall."
"And what's inside the parcel?"
"Mortgage payment, plus some paperwork."
Ditzy scribbled down all the details. "Oooookay, all set. That'll be eight bits."
"Thanks, Ditzy," I said, passing the bits over. "Happy Hearth's Warming."
"You too," she beamed. I trotted off to let the mare behind me go next. "Break time!"

Next was Sugarcube Corner. No doubt Pinkie and the Cakes had their hooves full getting their orders ready for holiday desserts. If they were too busy for what I needed, I'd have to give myself a crash course on baking. I allowed a dragon to exit before stepping inside. Naturally, there was another line leading up to the counter, and with the sun setting, no doubt the place would be closed for business in a matter of minutes. I couldn't just go and ask Twilight for a cookbook after leaving those gifts off either--that would just be awkward.

"Hiya, Sharpie!" a pair of big blue eyes squeaked in my face.
"HOLY-!" I shrieked and stumbled back. I was getting used to a few things here, but that wasn't one. "Hey, Pinkie."
"It was so cool the way you saved Applejack and stopped that stinky Svengallop!" She beamed ear-to-ear, almost literally. No face should be that elastic. "If I wasn't so busy helping the Cakes with their Hearth's Warming desserts, I'd throw a Applejack is Innocent and Sharp Sight is a Hero party! It'd be two parties in one! Like a super party!"
"Oh, don't worry about it," I assured her, "I'm just here as a customer."
She zipped up to me again, furrowing her brow. "Hmmmm. Yeah, you've totally got that 'I forgot to get somepony a gift and now I'm really desperate' vibe aboutcha."
I tried not to think about how much better she was at reading faces than me. "Yeah, I need to grab Spike a quick something. He's been a help and, well, I'd hate for him to feel left out."
"I've got just the thing!" Pinkie dug a hoof into her puffy mane and pulled out a box. Through the plastic window, I could see some pretty thick doughnuts with colourful sprinkles that really glistened in the light. "Jelly doughnuts with ruby, sapphire and emerald sprinkles! He loves these."
I smiled. Dragons eating precious gems sounded like it'd be a nightmare for the economy, but that wasn't my problem. Until somecreature made it my problem, anyway. "Oh, that'll be perfect. What do I owe you?"
"A nice Hearth's Warming gift!" She grinned, and her eyes widened as she noted the paper bag strapped to my saddlebag. As in, they literally stretched like rubber. I put the doughnuts into it and turned it away from her, She pouted a little.
"You're not seeing what you're getting until tomorrow," I said, not bothering to be coy about it. I wasn't going to beat her otherworldly sense of... Pinkieness. "Don't wanna ruin the surprise, right?"
"Good point," she giggled. "Well, think of the doughnuts as my little way of saying thanks a bunch for helping Applejack!"

We bid each other a Happy Hearth's Warming, and Pinkie rushed off in a pink blur behind the bakery counter. My final stop was the crystal castle. I set the bag on the porch and pulled out my notepad, making a small amendment to the note I'd stuffed into it.

Just a few somethings to say thanks for getting me settled in.
-Sharp Sight

P.S. I didn't forget Spike, I'm still deciding what to get him Disregard

"Smooth." I knocked on the door and trotted off. With all my chores done, I decided to just take a walk and while away the hours.

---

I wandered around town, and the lower the sun fell, the quieter it got. Folks were heading home to make their final preparations and spend time with their loved ones. Relatives coming to visit, others rushing off to visit family for the big day.

Things that, in my current situation, were just a little bit impossible for me to do.

Before I knew it, it was dark, and it was just me, the crunching of snow beneath my hooves, and the flakes floating down from the overcast sky. The street became a little murky as a fog began to set in. I stopped in the middle of the empty street, watching my breath exit my nostrils in small bursts of steam. I found myself thinking about Rivershine. Not in the usual 'I hope she goes out with me' way, but rather, her and her family. How they were probably having the best time right now. Then I thought about Grant and Tango--they were probably all snuggled up together, safe from the cold.

And then I thought about me. My house that I had no one waiting for me in. No family in this world to speak to. Sure, I had some that I could call friends, but they had their own company to entertain. I couldn't just crash the party just because, for the first time in a long time, I felt... well, alone.

Happiest time of the year, am I right?

By some cruel fate, my wandering took me nearby River's house. I approached and peered through an open window at a safe distance. Hard Dough and Lakesong were cuddled together on the couch, while Rivershine and Pudding Pop were on the ground, arguing over a board game. I overheard the latter yell something about cheating, to which the older mare just shrugged with her trademark smirk.

Part of me wanted to rush home, grab her gift and come back. To just burst down the door like some kind of overenthusiastic ogre. But the family dynamic looked pretty perfect, and I didn't want to be a fifth wheel. Though, I really wanted to be there when she saw my gift. I took out my notepad, scribbled on it and slid the page under the door. Hopefully she'd see it by morning.

I slunk off and was about to continue my lamenting before I heard the quiet jingling of a tiny bell. Nothing out of the ordinary, probably even outside of the holiday season, but it still got my attention. I turned around and noticed a small silhouette wandering the street a ways behind me. Despite the danger that it could be something insidious once again, I found my hooves moving toward it. Besides, I'd rationalised that it was clearly too small to be another timberwolf trying to eat my eyeballs.

"It's gotta be here somewhere," I heard a skittish voice whimper. "Oh, I can't mess this up. Not tonight of all nights..."
"Um, you okay there?" I asked once I was close enough.
The silhouette jolted slightly and went still. I got closer and it took the form of... what looked like a small, skinny Pony, with brown fur and white speckles, and a pair of antlers in front and a fluffy tail in the back.
A deer, genius. It's called a deer.
He relaxed and approached me, the little bell on his strap jingling. He had what looked like a pretty huge sack on his back. "Oh, thank goodness. You live here, don't you?"
"Sure do. You lost?"
He showed me a sheet of paper with a list on it. Just under half the names on it had checkmarks next to them. "I'm looking for a Pony named Fluttershy, but she doesn't seem to be around here and I can't find where in Equus this address is!" He took out a little pocket watch. "Oh no, I'm already three minutes and fourteen seconds behind...!"
"Fluttershy's just out of town," I explained, pointing away. "Head down that path until you reach the big scary forest--she's in the cottage just in front. Can't miss it."
"Oh, you're a lifesaver," he sighed gratefully. "Thank you so much!"
"No sweat, pal," I said. "Happy Hearth's Warming, and be careful out here. This fog's getting dense."
"Sweet sugar cookies, you're right!" I heard what sounded like a light switch, and the deer's nose started glowing a soft red. "You take care too."

He trotted down the path at a hasty pace, and I gawked after him.

"...no," I said, shaking my head as I walked toward home. "No, there's no way. Not even here."

Comments

[Tomat]

"Sweet sugar cookies, you're right!" I heard what sounded like a light switch, and the deer's nose started glowing a soft red. "You take care too."

Ah yes, the casual Rudolph sighting in ponyville.

[Unicorncob]

11442467
People act like it's a strange thing for some reason

[TheCoolRock]

Quick No spoiler review? looking to put some fanfics on my Kindle!

[Unicorncob]

11442486
7.5/10
Too much water

[Luckyfanisaac]

11442467
I keep dreaming I meet Rudolph. He’s my favorite Reindeer.

[Fireeaters]

Nice chapter, I wonder if rudolf was just a cameo, or if he'll be part of sharp's friend group.

[TheCoolRock]

11442503
Cool!

Favorite Pony? Twilight Sparkle is mine.

[Unicorncob]

11442581
Just a fun little cameo

11442589

[TheCoolRock]

11442593
Cool!

[Tomat]

11442548
Rudolph best reindeer.

[Savant Sentral]

11442486
A decently cute story. Meanders a little, awkward at times, but certainly a good read.
I'm kinda picky about what I read and I'm reading it so that's shining praise

[Unicorncob]

11443075
I'll take it
Thanks

[Inucroft1]

How apt.
Welp... that's another marathon/binge read completed

[Unicorncob]

11443968
Happy you liked it that much

[Ali della Morte]

Well, now that I've finished the story, I'll be awaiting what is yet to come.

[Unicorncob]

11456472
Glad to hear it
You won't have to wait long