• Published 20th Jul 2016
  • 2,887 Views, 146 Comments

Last Week Tonight with Discord - FrostTheWolf



It was suggested to Discord that he should consider taking up a hobby. However, nopony expected him to come up with something like this... Or the shenanigans that will result from it.

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Episode 1: Royalty

Author's Note:

Here's the first one. Uncensored (Mostly), Uncut (Mostly) and uncalled for (Definitely). If you have any feedback or suggestions on future topics that you would like for MrAquino and I to do, feel free to mention them in the comments.

Also, if anyone gets the hidden references in this chapter, you're awesome! :rainbowdetermined2:

When it was originally suggested for him to try to think of a hobby, Discord was unsure about what he was going to do for a hobby, where he would do it and most importantly… how exactly was he going to pull this idea for a hobby off. He always wanted to have the chance to say something important regarding the state of current affairs in Canterlot and Equestria as a whole, but no matter how many times he tried, Celestia never read any of the suggestions in the suggestion box that was outside her chambers… and that was after she told him to stop putting up suggestion boxes everywhere in Canterlot Castle.

But now, things were different. He came up with a brilliant plan that allowed for him to do two things. One, voice his opinion, and two, use his chaos magic in ways that would not resolve in the undoing of the entire world or the universe. All Discord needed was just a few things before he can finally begin his “hobby”.

That hobby was that he wanted to start his own version of a late night television show that he would broadcast from the comfortable studio he set up in Fluttershy’s basement. Many of the shows on late at night were just reruns of things that had already been broadcasted earlier in the day and with most ponies sometimes turning a blind eye on certain subjects. So he came up with a simple premise. Every couple of weeks, he would try to enlighten viewers with certain topics… and the despicable and unbearable truth behind some of the things that some ponies don’t normally pay attention to… mostly uncensored as well. But right now, since he was just getting started, he was using professional equipment, but was going to upload any episode he had filmed onto PonyTube in hopes of reaching a broader audience, so to speak.

With a snap of his eagle talon, a small light in the corner soon flickered to life, saying “LIVE” in bright red as he cleared his throat. The cameras that he had set up soon switched on and he had a doppelganger of himself working with the audio, video clips and the soundtrack for certain segments of this broadcast that he had in mind. Now though… it was Showtime.

Wearing his best suit and tie outfit, he soon looked straight at the camera and began to speak. “Hi there, I’m Discord. Your friendly neighborhood spirit of chaos, pain in the neck for Princess Celestia and host of Last Week Tonight, a new show that will hopefully allow viewers like you to see a different perspective on things that mostly are either ignored like the suggestions in Princess Celestia’s suggestion box or the fact that almost any suggestion that you put in that suggestion box goes straight down into the fireplace in the dining hall one floor below.”

A small laugh track was heard in the background, giving Discord the chance to catch his breath before speaking again. “Now, I mention this because such a case can be made on one thing in particular and that, my friends, is royalty. Yes, royalty… Now, I know why you might be thinking, but I bring this up for a particular reason… because for many ponies who aren't aware of it, many nobles, most of which doesn't consist of Princess Sunny Side Up, Princess Moonshine, Princess Love Song and her knightley Husband and Princess of Friendship whose name makes some think it's some sort of vampire novel, most of the majority of nobles in royalty act a LOT like this instance in one of the previous Gala events.” During this pause in the transition, a clip in which showcased one of the members of royalty, Prince Blueblood, pushing the Element of Generosity and owner of the Carousel Boutique named Rarity in front of him as a plate of jello crashed into her face. As the clip ended and what sounded like a mixture of shock and laughter being played in quick succession with the clip, Discord then continued on what he was saying before.

“Yes, that dashing prince may look so handsome on the outside sweetheart, but the best he see you as is somepony that can serve as a equine shield in a food fight.” Again, as on cue, another laugh track. Followed by him speaking afterwards. “Now, let me be clear on this… this is not the first time that Prince Blueblood or any other members of Canterlot’s royal parliament have caused instances like these, but this is because a lot of them seemed to be too focused on themselves rather than others. Which drives home one major point… Nobles are complete assholes… and I’m being serious because I actually had the chance to talk to some people about some of the things these nobles do and what I found out was MIND-BLOWING.”

Another moment in the broadcast where the Draconequus brought in external sources. More reports of insane behavior from the rich and wealthy upper class, going as far as causing somepony’s business to go bankrupt because the clothes they requested to be tailored was two sizes too small. “Yes… that’s right everypony… This guy here caused one pony’s business, who had been around for almost seventy years, to collapse in a week. Which was faster than the few seconds of fame and glory that most ponies get on many talent competitions like Equestrian Idol and Equestria’s got talent.”

Another set of laughter, followed by his next line. “And that's not all, folks! Get a hold of your favorite princesses.” Various ‘Oohs’ were heard as an image of the Princess of Friendship was soon shown in the left hand corner of the screen. “Yep! How about the new gal, The Purple one? There are many things that she can do as a leader; she has a huge crystal castle that, as far as I can tell, is nearly empty with the exception of her, her personal dragon slave, and a potential love interest. But ho-ho-ho! She doesn't do the smart reason by hiring some guards, maids, or even staff, but she makes it her hang out spot with friends!!!” various ‘boos’ went off. “And don't get me started on the real estate! A castle underground… okay, but when said castle erupts from the floor and sticks out among the houses like a sore thumb!? Just look at it; it looks expensive as hell and just came outta nowhere, AND She's not paying for it!!! And it came right after a fight that, though looks cool, destroyed multiple homes and made the real estate skyrocket!!! Hey!! Purple bookworm!! Instead of hanging with your friends so much, maybe find a way to fix all the collateral damage from your ‘heroic’ endeavours!!!”

More laughter this time was soon followed by the draconequus proceeding back to the original topic. “Now, with all due respect, Princess Twilight and her friends have helped me a lot in the past couple of years with reform. So, we should return back to the original topic at hand involving Nobility. Most of the nobles these days have some of the most important jobs in Equestria like helping with our country’s military and security along with other roles such as politics. However, I’m not quite so sure that these ponies are up for such a job after one of our hidden camera’s found this during a Royal Guard training session with two recruits and a noble who was supervising them.”


“So... How many targets did you hit?”

“3 outta 10.”

“3 outta 10!? That's an Academy record!!! You're the best aim we have since the last guy!”

“What did he get?”

“1!”


“Okay…” The Spirit of Chaos started speaking again. “If your best academy record for archery is hitting 3 targets out of 10, then I think we can all agree that this may be the reason why Princess Celestia had Princess Twilight and her friends continue to save Equestria over and over again…” The left hand corner of the screen now showed what would look like a list from Twilight Sparkle, stating at the top “Times that we have saved Equestria” with some items including defeating Nightmare Moon, reforming Discord, squash Queen Chrysalis, put Lord Tirek back in Tartarus and so on. “Doesn’t that also show how almost everypony is seriously ungrateful for all that they have done. I mean, I could go on and on about all of the good things that they have done and what not, but all that everypony really cares about apparently is how much of a scene that they could cause all the way in Manehattan.”

“But, this also leads to another thing: Are you REALLY that STUPID, COWARDICE, OR LAZY!?!?!? From what I can see, when a problem arrives, instead of taking action, you, ALL OF YOU, stand at the side! Imagine how short the Canterlot invasion would be if you nobles stopped trying to look clean and instead, fought against Chrysalis and her Changelings! We all know the military is worth crap, so there's no use in hiding if they're all captured! I mean, do you honestly think that a soldier whose best archery record is 3 out of 10 has any chance of handling a massive tidal wave of invading changelings? It’s like an Earth Pony was trying to take on Lord Tirek with nothing more than a stone and a slingshot.” A random pony came and whispered into his ear. “... Really? That happened!?...” Discord snapped his talon, pausing the footage as he took a chance to review his notes on the subject before coming up with a better example in his head. Something that he was going to edit shortly after he finished filming.

Snapping his finger again, he cleared his throat and began to speak once again. “I mean, do you honestly think that a soldier whose best archery record is 3 out of 10 has any chance of handling a massive tidal wave of invading changelings? It’s like bringing a wooden stick to a sword fight… How much of a chance do you think that your stick is not going to be sliced into tiny pieces that would serve as small bits of kindling in Celestia’s massive fireplace?” This time, there was more laughter in the background. Discord always liked it when he brought back one of the topics from earlier because it was his way of keeping the comedy fresh before starting something completely new.

“And Speaking of which! Celestia… our leader… our cake & banana gobbling, tea chugging, and lazy princess. She knows that nobles in Canterlot are always stuck up jerkwads that care about themselves… because she has to deal with them on a DAILY basis. In fact, they are so stuck up, that when I had the opportunity to talk with a former noble, who is now spending his days as a scholar on Equestrian Wildlife and has his front right foreleg replaced with a mechanical one after a savage fight with a chimera, he had this to say…”

Now the clip that was playing was from an interview that the Draconequus conducted with the Gentlestallion named Sir Hammerlock and one of the more… entertaining comments that he had to say on nobility. “Forgive me for my tone on this, but everytime I hear one of those selfish and greedy noble bastards speak, I feel as if my brain cells are committing suicide one by one.” Another brief pause, some more shock and laughter from the audio department, and then Discord’s cue to speak.

“Now, for some ponies, that may seem as a stretch… but we need those brain cells so we could make educated decisions like… How exactly are we going to fix the Royal Guard or, is it really a good idea to join the guard in the first place given what was mentioned earlier in the show. Folks… Celestia is practically a Goddess… and she wants you all to be able to think for yourselves! But it’s kind of hard to do that when you get Blueblood and the rich douche committee ruining ponies lives and, instead of doing something… i don’t know… meaningful… they are too busy wasting their time, wondering which pretty mare they’re going to get to second base with… and also try to figure out what second base actually is.” He sighed as an uproar of laughter soon echoed from around the studio. Testing the limits of the sound barrier he had in place.

“But, Celestia isn't at fault here… look at Luna. The princess of the night is watching you all sleep at night! Sure, she may seem motherly when your kid meets her, but from what I can tell, if you adults have a bad dream, and not a nightmare, but a dream where you take over the world… I only have one piece of advice for you when Luna visits your dreams… run like hell…. That, or remind her of Nightmare Moon! Oh yes, you Ponyville folks may have remembered that united dream you all had, but you should know that Luna is emo.” Now though, Discord felt like he needed to get back to addressing the main issue of the broadcast.

“Now… Let me be clear on this… None of the Princesses are to blame for any of the behaviors or actions of the nobles… Not even Celestia. Because honestly… these nobles only have themselves to blame. Before there was any need for the elements of harmony at all, there was over a thousand years of piece… which can add up to the overall amount of laziness from any noble who doesn’t even consider reading the fine print on their job description that states that they need to actually do something!”

“But, if there's one princess I really have a beef with but you guys love, it's the pink, Disney Princess wannabe Cadence. Why?... What did she exactly rule? You're probably thinking about the Crystal Empire, but, seriously, what did she rule as princess before being kidnapped by a bug queen?” Crickets chirped. “No, it's not crickets, but she ruled your love lives! Look at who you're married with or are dating right now… did you really meet and love them at first sight? Did you know your life was going to be great? Do you even stop to consider if your other may be holding you down or aren't allowing you to better yourself? If you answer ‘No’, then congratulations!!! You've been shipped by an Alicorn that either thought you were cute together or didn't want to see you both fight anymore!!! And since she can't read your minds like Mooncheeks, you may be with your sibling as I speak!” Various screams and gagging were heard.

“Of course though, everypony that is a princess has roles to play… and no, I don’t mean roleplay for chaos sakes… I don’t even WANT to know what that would lead to. For example, Celestia herself: you all ACTUALLY think of her as a queen! No, don't think that she's evil since that's a load of crop, but I think you can see some similarities here!” Discord explained, counting them by uncurling a finger on his lion paw with each fact he said. “You all bow to her, you’re grateful for her helping Equestria stay peaceful for the last thousand years even if the past few have been shaky and she has to keep up the perfect look for you all. Why, if any of you actually saw what she actually acts like, you'd be surprised! In fact, roll the clips!”

A clip showed Celestia first having a slice of cake, only to lead to her stuffing that same cake five minutes later in her mouth, looking like a pig while some staff clean her mess. Another showed her gently massaging a banana. The next was Luna sitting on the throne, only for a fart to be heard; Luna stood up, seeing that she sat on a whoopee cushion… and Celestia laughing hard. The final was her drunk at the gala, barely holding her balance, and passing out.

“And let me be clear… this may be for entertainment… but it’s also for enlightenment and none of these previous clips were fake. They were just things that no one have paid attention to because the writers have to focus on other things for an important plot device… And no, when I mean plot device, I don’t mean the whoopee cushion in clip number three. But, as you saw, she's kinda a bit immature for being over 1000 years old,but she is herself, unlike the sheep.” At that part, a collection of images showing a few other ponies that were recognized as nobles. Including Fancy Pants, Fleur De Lis, Prince Blueblood and Filthy Rich.

“The princesses are fine with me… but these guys… ugh, when you’re name is Filthy Rich for example, you know that he’s one pony who demonstrates his wealth in more than one way. Why else do you think he has a wife named Spoiled Rich and his daughter is named Diamond Tiara for crying out loud!? Or how a maybe… Maybe it’s explains the reason why he prefers for other ponies to call him Rich as a reminder of how wealthy he is. It’s guys like these that are a reason for collapses in the economy these days.” The last part had a bit of sarcasm to it by showing an image of Filthy Rich playing the role as a supervillain where his powers involved money and affecting the lives of all those who used it.

After another series of laughs, Discord cleared his throat and looked back at the camera. “Now… I may have mentioned many things… But my main point is this. We as a society may be doing well on the outside. But there are some major changes that need to be done on the inside involving government because right now, almost all nobles except for that of Sir Hammerlock that I mentioned earlier in the program, are taking everything for granted. They think that whenever trouble happens that somepony else would come in and help save them. However, what if somepony can’t make it in time? These nobles need to learn a thing or two from the elements of harmony if they are ever going to get any positive publicity with the Equestrian population.” At that point, it showed a survey of if the country was in favor of Prince Blueblood or not and the results were almost completely against him.

“I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Last Week Tonight,” The Draconequus spoke up as he was beginning to say his final remarks. “Like I said before, this is purely for entertainment with a side of enlightenment as well. Good night everypony and remember… The sun doesn’t move around the earth, it’s the earth that moves around the sun.”


The following morning

As the sun began to peek into her room through the open window in her study, the Princess of Friendship named Twilight Sparkle was beginning to slowly wake up and try to make sure that she was ready for another day. However… this morning was not like all the others. Matter of fact, something about this entire thing felt… off so to speak. And that’s not because of the sudden television set in front of her, with the remotes next to her bed, but something felt… off.

It even got more confusing when she noticed Spike trying to pull himself out of a stack of mail that she happened to find on the Cutie Map this morning. “Spike, what are you doing?”

“T-trying to get out of this-.” He wheezed before finally stepping out. “Ah there... finally I’m not going to get myself buried in a pile of applications.”

“Applications?”

“Yeah… last night, a bunch of mares and stallions came here, trying to look for a job. I don’t what the fuss was about, but it must’ve been something important for the town to act like this,”

“That just sound silly. I don’t even remember trying to set up anything regarding jobs…” Twilight thought as she noticed Rainbow fly in from the nearby window.

“Hey Twi, is it just me or is the whole town being a lot more… nicer?”

“...Nicer? Isn’t this town already nice?”

“Uh… yeah… but… when I woke up… I got all this cool stuff!!!” She said as the mare pulled out plenty of fan art regarding her and the rest of the group. “Check this out!”

“Wow… Uh… Yeah that is a little odd…” Spike commented, noticing some of the pictures as he was looking them over and also found a few letters attached to the back. “Hey, listen to this… Thank you for saving our home and Equestria over and over again… Is it just me or does it feel like everypony is trying to show their thanks for all the heroic things that we have already done before?”

“Or were they too busy to recognize how awesome we are!” Rainbow Dash retorted. “I mean, Scoot’s fan club of me is fine, but now mares and stallions are joining… I don’t know what to say!”

That was when the rest of their friends soon came in, mentioning similar, yet strange coincidences that they had come across on the way here. Applejack was now able to sell more apples than she would normally, Rarity was having a lot more customers come into her store at Manehattan, Starlight was said to be extremely lucky to be Twilight’s student, and everypony was really nicer to Fluttershy… Yet the question still remained… why was this happening?

“So… can anypony think of anything that is different about this week than normal?” Twilight asked, trying to backtrack a little and see if there was something that occurred before today that might have been causing this.

“Not that I know of.” Applejack replied.

“Nope.” Rainbow shook her head.

“Me neither, silly nilly!” Pinkie spoke up afterwards.

“Can’t say that I know for sure.” Rarity shrugged.

“Uhh… M-maybe?” Fluttershy squeaked, causing everypony to soon look back at her in response. “Uh… I didn’t pay much attention, but Discord asked to borrow the basement for the night. I-I didn’t want to be mean, but I trusted he wasn’t going to do anything in there too dangerous.”

“That… doesn’t seem weird… then again, this is Discord we are talking about.” Spike said, looking up. “You have anything to contribute, Starlight?”

“Well… Now that you mention it… He was asking me something earlier in the week about what’s the best way to deal with boredom,” Starlight replied. “I didn’t say anything too out of line. I just recommended that he should take up some kind of hobby or something.”

“I think we should pay him a visit.” Applejack suggested “I actually wanna thank him if this is his doin’.”

“Hold on… this is Discord we are talking about. There has to be more to this than meets the eye.” Twilight replied, shortly before turning to notice Spike reading a piece of paper. “What’s that, Spike?”

“Some odd note I found… It says… go upstairs and turn on the TV. There's a surprise waiting for you.” He repeated, looking back at the girls.

“...The Hay’s a TV?” Rainbow asked.

“Something tells me it’s that weird box like thing that I found on the wall in my room…” Twilight replied. “To be honest, I thought it was a picture frame at first… But I guess we’re about to find out what exactly this thing is.” They all walked back upstairs… only to see many pegasi and unicorns around, making the halls look clean before fleeing a few moments later. They were all curious as to what the hay was up with those ponies… but their priority was to find out what exactly did the box on the wall do.

Strangely enough, out of everypony who tried it, it was Spike who actually was able to turn the TV on using the provided remotes. First, there was what appeared to be a warning, stating that the program was for ages 14 and up for… certain reasons and that viewers discretion was advised.

“What the heck is that suppose to mean?” Rainbow then asked everypony in the room. It then showed the episode that aired… and it was mind blowing to all of them, though Twilight was a bit offended by Discord’s comment around her.

“Okay… some of what he said was uncalled for… but if this is the reason for what is happening in Ponyville… then I guess he can keep doing it right?”

“Heh… It’s not like it’s causing any major uproars.” Rainbow laughed. The door banged and fell down; the ponies outside fell in like a tsunami.

“DID I GET THE JOB, PRINCESS!?!?!?”

“PLEASE, I NEED THIS JOB!!!”

“I’LL BE YOUR CUDDLE BUDDY!!!”

All that Twilight did in that present moment, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of ponies wanting to help them… was faint on the floor.

“I’m a doctor!!!” A stallion yelled as Starlight facehooved herself.

“You were saying Rainbow?”

“What!? I mean, if this sort of thing happened in Canterlot, Celestia and the Princesses can handle themselves… right?”


Canterlot

Meanwhile, Celestia was bombarded by many nobles, each promising to take care of her paperwork and do anything to be considered ‘good’ and not be viewed as ‘evil’ or ‘annoying’ anymore… though a couple kicked a cowering Blueblood on the floor… something Celestia actually liked seeing.

“Stop!!!” He begged “I’m royalty-!”

“You’re annoying!!!” One of the nobles yelled. As the Princess excused herself though, she found her sister talking with a stallion that had a mechanical limb for a foreleg as they noticed her trotting into the room.

“Sister? What is going on? I’ve been hearing some screaming out in the courtyard.”

“I do not know, sister.” Celestia answered “Peace and harmony seems to be either disrupted by something… or added more.” She then turned to the stallion next to her and tilted her head a little. “I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with who you are.”

“Oh no worries. My name is Sir Hammerlock. Hunter, Scholar and Gentlestallion at your service. I was just telling your sister about the Almanac on Equestrian Wildlife I was finishing up on… All after I had an interview with a… friend of yours, I assume?”

“...Define ‘Friend’.”

“Well, he did say that you too had your differences, but that he still makes sure to not do anything too drastic. He was interviewing me on my views on the nobles… I believe he went by the name Discord?” The Stallion told her. Celestia’s normal calm attitude quickly went to that of contempt.

“Discord~.”

“Yes actually. He wanted to interview me for a segment that he was doing for a new hobby of his he called it. We talked over tea and I told him that most of the rich and self centered nobles make me think my brain cells were committing suicide one by one and surprisingly, it was something that he actually agreed with.”

“...Sister?”

“Yes?” Luna replied

“We must pay Discord a little visit-.”

“Oh that reminds me,” Hammerlock mentioned before grabbing something out of his saddle bag. “He wanted me to make sure and give this to you. It was a copy of the the finished episode he was working on the other night. I was a little confused how I was able to find it at the doorstep of my hotel room, but I’ve learned that it’s best not to question a draconequus methods. Tally ho, good friends.” He said before leaving the room. Again, this lead both sisters to a surprise that was found in Luna’s chambers as the episode began to play once they stepped hoof through the door. The royal sisters were quite surprised, a bit offended by what Discord spoke of, but, it brought more conversation to the two,

“You really made a creature to make all your dreams nightmares?” Celestia asked.

“...Yes.” Luna answered

“...You have problems.”

“Says you. Out of both of us, I am the mature one!” She retorted, rewinding it back to where they showed all of Celestia’s deeds of misbehavior.

“Oh sure! ‘Oh! I was Nightmare Moon for an hours! I must punish myself for three years by bad dreams!’”

“ …… Do you even know what your dreams look like?” Luna then asked. “Because last I saw you, you were on a banana split float ruling numerous types of cakes that you called your subjects.”

“YOU DON’T LOOK INTO ONE’S DREAMS, SISTER!!!”

“Who do you think made the cakeponies in your dream speak?” Luna then told her, causing Celestia’s jaw to drop. “My thoughts exactly.”

The room grew a bit silent as Luna sighed to herself, walking on out to make sure that she made the preparations for raising the moon later… until another thought dawned on her.

“Hey, sister? Is it true that the planet orbits around the sun?”

“And where did you hear that? You know it’s our job to move the sun & moon around, sister.”

“...... Something tells me you didn’t hear what Discord said to end the broadcast.” Luna replied.

“I did, but you know Discord as a liar as I do.” That was when it showed on the screen something in the credits.

All evidence and information presented was legally obtained through numerous sources, including Canterlot University, The Manehattan Times and the Trottingham Press. This show is for both entertainment and enlightenment purposes only and to bring in an outside perspective on modern events. It is not my fault if you can’t take a joke seriously.

-Discord.

P.S. Major thanks to Starlight Glimmer for having me think of this new hobby. I would also like to thank my new friends in Ponyville and the Royal Sisters in Canterlot for helping me make this possible… You too, Tia. Leave a comment below if you want to suggest future topics.

“ …… Sister?” Luna then asked, causing Celestia to sigh a little.

“What is it!?” She replied, annoyed.

“I have an idea…” She replied to her. “Do you have any ideas for… possible topics? I’m thinking the more he is given, the more distracted he would be so Discord won’t need to annoy us.”

“Are you seriously going to help him out on these lies? If he’s going to spread lies about royalty, then he should at least do it for the common folks!”

“You have to admit though, some of the nobles are a pain in the flank to deal with…” Luna reminded her. “I can’t believe the number of times I’ve asked for the Night Guard to escort somepony out of the castle because they thought they could sleep with me… Speaking of guards though, with Shining Armor in the Crystal Empire, who do we have to train the guard here?”

“......” Celestia’s eyes went wide upon realizing what her sister meant. “Oh horseapples… fine… I guess he has a point there.”

“Right… Well, I’m going to go lie down and try to find a way for Discord’s hobby to not distract me. I still have Night Court going on tonight.”

“Of course. You do that.” Luna walked out, though Celestia pondered to herself when her sister wasn’t looking. “Discord… I have a feeling that you’re watching me, but… if you want to dethrone me, that’s not gonna happen. As for your next ‘special’, I know this is going to be impossible, but find out more about the other species of Equestria. I doubt you’re going to find out more about the other creatures that we ponies coexist with.”

Request received, thank you and have a nice day.

Celestia’s eyes twitched for a minute, shortly before sighing deeply and trotting into her room. Wondering if there was any cake left over from her 1006th birthday celebration.

“Pfft… It’s not like he’s gonna find any information on any other creatures.” She grumbled to herself, finding her piece of cake. “Mmm… banana cream… My favorite.”