Soarin’ had learned over the years that as you got older, you started to find out about some of life’s interesting twists. One of these was that once in a great while, you would meet a pony and something small would happen – maybe they mentioned an obscure favorite song or niche hobby – and instantly both of you discovered a very strong connection. A complete stranger suddenly seemed like they were a close friend. It was the weirdest, coolest thing; Soarin’ couldn’t put a hoof on the feeling. Within minutes the two of you would be swapping stories like you’d known each other for years. At first he thought it was an experience particular to him because it was so rare, but one day he talked to Surprise about it, and she knew what he was talking about.
He’d asked Surprise the day after he showed a certain pegasus Thunderwings.
Soarin’ spotted her waiting for him up ahead. "Rainbow Dash!"
"Soarin'!"
"How were the dragons?" he asked, doing a once over to see if she was injured, which would affect today's training.
"Ugh, teenagers. As cocky as fillies and colts, but worse. I wish I could say I taught them a lesson, but we basically grabbed Spike and got the hayride outta there." She pulled her head up, suddenly aware of the weight of the rocks as if she'd forgotten it was there. "I did manage to wear these for a whole week, even though I didn't bring them on the trip. Good thing I left them here, too, because a couple of phoenixes took all our stuff. Spitfire would probably fry me if I lost these suckers."
Soarin' pictured the flaming mare searching through everything last week trying to find her backup bags after burning the official ones to a crisp during a crazy stunt. He laughed, hoping it didn't sound nervous. "She hardly realizes they're gone. They're not the fancy blue ones anyway." The saddlebags at Rainbow Dash's sides were brown. "Alright, enough talk - let's train! We'll start with that cloud trick I showed you last time. After all," Soarin' did a forward flip and slammed his hooves down, creating a cloud pillar in front of him, "it's a fair trade. You can take those saddlebags off now. Leave them here and I’ll get them when we leave”
He watched the spunky athlete scramble out from under the weights, like a pony trying to escape an embarrassing hoofknit sweater. Was that what he looked like last time? It was pretty funny. Rainbow Dash wriggled and writhed, the saddlebag strap getting caught in her mane and making static electric shocks. She made faces at the stubborn contraption.
The heavy saddlebags flew off and sank into the cloud. Rainbow Dash picked up one of her hooves, inspecting it. "What the...?" She cautiously placed it down and took a few steps, staring at her feet the whole time.
“A little confused?” he chuckled.
“A little confused?” she said accusingly. “I'm more than just a little confused; I'm massively confused. Like the murder mystery train crashed and all the suspects are now dead confused.” The mare’s legs locked, like she might fall through the cloud any second. “Am I supposed to feel like this?” Her magenta eyes sparked angrily, as if it was his fault her senses were thrown off.
Oh, right. It was.
Thanks to this training trick, Rainbow Dash had suddenly become aware of pegasus magic in the way an average pony wasn’t. Unless you had a special occupation, the most you ever needed to know was that clouds were like regular hard surfaces until you concentrated and turned your magic off. Rainbow Dash was about to learn you could do the opposite: extend your magic to hold yourself in place. Right now the mare probably felt like she had dinner plates stuck to her hooves. She sure was standing like she did.
“Yeah, that’s normal. Have you ever seen an earth pony press their forelimbs against a doorframe as hard as they could for a few seconds, and then step back? This exercise is like that.” He looked at the heavy rocks. “More extreme obviously, but it’s also more fun.” There was a reason they practiced over the creepy misty clearing in the Everfree Forest – but first thing’s first.
He came over to where she was standing. “Chill. You won’t fall. Your magic is stretched out to support the extra weight from the rocks. They’re not there anymore, but you still feel it. So what I need you to do now is try to grip onto the cloud with your magic.”
“How do I do that?” Rainbow Dash peered at her rebellious feet.
“Uhm.” He didn’t know how to explain it, really. “Concentrate. It’s different than usual, though, like you’re thinking in the opposite direction.”
“Like…” Rainbow Dash exclaimed ‘whoa!’ as she suddenly fell through the cloud.
“Not that way! The other way!”
They went through this a few more times. With each failure she looked more determined to get it right.
Finally she looked at him triumphantly, all four hooves secured to the puffy cumulus. “I think I’ve got it. Now what?”
“Now don’t let go.” Before she could question, he flipped the whole cloud over. A lesser pony would’ve startled and fell, but she held fast.
They looked at each other. Nothing had changed, except now Rainbow Dash’s hair and tail stuck straight up (oh, straight down). Soarin’ took a few steps. “Try walking. You can do anything you want, as long as it doesn’t break your concentration. It’s a lot harder to maintain than the easy stuff to go through clouds.” Heightened sensitivity made it possible to get a feel for how to work magic this way.
He watched Dash test out her new power and wander around the surface, scuffing at it and building a formidable cloud castle. She was a far cry from the pegasus he'd punched out of a magical storm way back when. This pony didn't stick to unruly Everfree Forest clouds, wasn't afraid to lead, could do more than fly alone, and had precision and control without sacrificing heart. The unstoppable mare in front of him had to be practicing hard on her own. A few flight lessons from a Wonderbolt didn't make that kind of change. At this rate, she'd be his equal or better in skill, and an excellent flight partner.
He couldn't wait.
No, literally, he couldn’t wait. “Hey Dash, come with me.”
She flicked her ears in acknowledgement from where she was standing, experimenting with keeping her grip on only two feet. She let go to follow him. “Wait, we’re going down into that creepy fog?”
He nodded. They swooped down to the forest and landed in the short grass. The clearing was empty and presumably safe; he’d never run into anything here. Thick sheets of mist floated slowly over the field. No flowers or anything else grew here other than grass. Combined with the ever-present fog, it was an unusual place indeed.
A layer of translucent white hovered around Soarin’s knees. Rainbow Dash stood nearby, clouded by a blanket of mist. Raising a forehoof, Soarin’ said, “This is my favorite way to use magic.” He took a step and set his hoof down on nothing. Rainbow Dash followed him with her gaze. He rose into the air as he walked up an invisible staircase, going wherever he wanted in the fog like a ghost. “Come on, try it.”
She narrowed her eyes in concentration and sought a foothold in the water vapor. Hoof after hoof, she shakily stepped off the ground. Soarin’ made it look easy, but it wasn’t.
Rainbow Dash laughed sharply. “This isn’t so ha-” one of her feet slipped and she jerked downward violently, barely managing to keep the other three feet stable. Soarin’ snorted. Rainbow Dash lived to show off. Even if she knew that she didn’t have to impress him, she’d try anyway.
Soarin’ let himself sink slowly. “Alright hotshot, if it isn’t so hard, you tell me when you’re ready to race ground-pony style.”
“Can’t talk. Focusing,” she cut him off.
Soarin’ swam lazily around the clearing while the rainbow pony ignored him. Getting bored of that, he swam upside down. He was there to give her advice, but she didn’t need it. She was figuring it out on her own.
All this upside down business was making the blood go to his head.
Suddenly something hard mashed up against his nose. Rainbow Dash was holding her hoof out. She challenged him, “Okay Soarin’, you wanted a race, you got one.”
He flipped over and landed beside her. Had anypony been watching them, right about now they would be wondering if they drank something crazy, because two pegasi were standing on nothing in the middle of the mist. Soarin’ lined up and got ready to gallop. “Remember, if you run out of fog, you have to jump. We’ll race around the clearing, three laps. Winner gets…” he tried to think of something he wanted.
Rainbow Dash beat him to it. “Winner gets to visit the loser’s house for dinner.”
So she wanted to sneak into Wonderbolt Headquarters again, huh? Too bad for her he wasn’t about to lose this contest. A racer’s grin spread across his face. “Sure. On three. One.”
“Two.”
“Three.”
- - -
Soarin’s weatherpony went down and he pulled his last piece off the board, embarrassed. I can’t believe I fell for that old trick.
“That’s what you get for beating me.” Dash left her seat at the dinner table and cantered proudly into the kitchen.
The inside of Rainbow Dash’s home had less Wonderbolt paraphernalia than he’d expected. Clearly there was a lot more to her than that alone. Downstairs, the first floor of the house was sort of a mix between a living room/entertainment center and a training facility. He’d recognized the golden winged crown on a shelf covered in prizes and awards. On the floor there were some small dishes with vegetables and fruit, water, and what he guessed was pet food. Rainbow Dash had noticed him looking at the bowls curiously. “Those are for my pet. His name’s Tank.”
“Doesn’t he eat anything?”
“Well, this is his lunch, so he should be here in about,” Rainbow Dash tapped her chin, “twenty minutes. Oh, right, he’s a tortoise. You didn’t know that.”
“Ohhhh.”
Right now they were on the second floor, which was dedicated to the kitchen and dining room (and some random things lying on the floor). The kitchen took up one-third of the space, and was separated from the rest of the room by a wall open on both ends. You could run a buffet line right through it, no problem. The things on the floor included a beach ball, a pair of black shades, a stack of books, a… hmm. He wasn’t sure what that was.
A smash came from the kitchen, like a pan being smacked full force on hard marble.
Maybe they should get takeout. “You okay in there Dash?”
“Sky spider. No big deal. I’ll just wash it off.” The sound of running water followed.
The dividing wall really made things interesting. Soarin’ couldn’t see what was going on and had no idea what dinner was going to be. He just hoped it wasn’t like Surprise’s signature dish, the “surprise.” One of the greatest Wonderbolt pranks was to hide the surprise on an hors d'oeuvre table and see if anypony was foolish (or lucky) enough to try it. They’d been trying to trick Princess Celestia for years.
Low-volume music coming from a stereo near the dinner table layered itself over the pauses in conversation and cooking noise. Slow, rhythmic chopping minced Rainbow Dash’s words. “Hey Soarin’, I’ve been meaning to ask you. For as much as I know about you guys… Is there a taboo or something against Wonderbolts being together?”
“What, like a rule against it?”
“Yeah,” she said.
“No.”
Chop, chop, chop. “No rules? What about drama, then? There must be a ton of it. Or a crazy love triangle.” Soarin’ could almost hear Rainbow Dash’s eyes roll while she said ‘crazy.’
He shook his head back and forth before he remembered she couldn't see him. “Love triangle, let’s see. I think maybe once, before my time.”
“Well that’s a load off my mind.”
“Sheesh Dash. Where did you get those ideas anyway?” He couldn’t think of a single job in Equestria with a rule against relationships. “I’m pretty sure Celestia has a ban on ridiculous laws – and if she doesn’t, Luna sure as shine does.” There was an exception to that. “Unless they’re stupid and funny.”
“The only way to make a rule,” Rainbow Dash asserted saucily.
Soarin’ put the top on Battlecloud and took the box downstairs. With a second chance to glance around the living room, he noticed a daredevil license among the things on Rainbow Dash’s prize shelf. Should have guessed she had one too. Definitely gonna have to take her up on that. He ran through a list of the few racetracks he hadn’t tried yet and didn’t have a familiarity advantage in. What’s the one Rapidfire’s always talking about? Tartar sauce? Something like that.
The Wonderbolt returned to the table and flipped into his seat. Over the sizzling of a pan, the two ponies talked about flying and Wonderbolts and weather ponies and the odd lack of interesting things going on in Canterlot. Soarin’ started to become thankful for the wall separating the kitchen, because he was sure he’d be looking at nothing except Rainbow Dash if it weren’t there.
After a bit, said pony brought out dinner, which was a simple but colorful vegetable stir fry. Soarin’s astonishment was written all over his face. Here he was expecting, well, after he started thinking about the “surprise,” he couldn’t think of much else.
“Heyyy,” the chef complained lightheartedly, serving herself a plate and digging in. “You weren’t thinking that just because I train hard means I don’t know how to feed myself, were you?” A devilish grin spread across her face. “I’m Rainbow Dash. I can do anything.”
He swallowed an appetizing bite and countered, “Prove it next month.”
Rainbow Dash dropped a snow pea before it got to her mouth. She stared blankly, shocked. “I completely forgot. I’m supposed to hold a meeting tomorrow to make sure I get the whole weather team in shape to deliver this year’s water to Cloudsdale. We’ve got to start training asap.” The mare jumped out of her chair. “Oh crud, oh shoot,” she jittered in place, hooves rapping at the floor. “Uhm.” The pegasus zipped around and up and down the stairs and back and downstairs and back again in a blur. “Where are they? Scootaloo! Scootaloo has them! Hey Soarin’, can I borrow these until next week?” She was pointing at Spitfire’s empty saddlebags. “I have a ton of flyers I need to get printed right now. Like, right now right now.”
“Okay. Sure.” Here’s hoping she doesn’t have them when Spitfire’s around, or I might lose my tail. “Use them tomorrow and then put them somewhere safe where they don’t get messed up.” Good thinking, Soarin’. Then he realized Dash had said she needed flyers printed now. “We’ve barely started eating! Isn’t the print shop closed?” He kinda wanted to spend a little more time with her outside of training.
“In about thirty minutes it will be.”
“What about dinner?”
“I’ll,” she quickly took a step forward and back a few times, undecided. “I’ll eat it on the way.” On the saddlebags went, out came the wings, and the full plate of food landed in Rainbow Dash’s forehooves. “Urgh this is so annoying. You probably won’t be here when I get back, so I’ll catch you next week.” The goodbye practically had a trainwreck with itself the words were so fast. Rainbow Dash was gone.
That was one way to avoid an awkward parting late at night.
He definitely couldn’t stay here, or neither of them would survive the gossip. Soarin’ turned the radio up a little and ate until he was satisfied – as satisfied as he could be with the host missing and nopony to talk to. The least he could do after that was put things away, so he did, fortunately without running into any sky spiders.
Now the question was: would he poke around a little, or go back to the base? He shouldn’t pry. That was bad manners.
Soarin’ peered into the third story of Rainbow Dash’s home. Fancy tiled floor lead to a private bathroom and a raised dais opposite it. An impressive custom blanket with Dash’s cutie mark on it adorned a comfortable looking bed. There was a photo on one of the nightstands. Soarin’ inched away from the stairwell just far enough to recognize it was Rainbow Dash and her friends.
He might get caught if he stayed any longer, and he was starting to feel sleepy. Imagine getting caught sleeping in Rainbow Dash’s bed. Hahaha…
No.
He left out the main entrance on the first floor, passing Tank finishing his lunch on the way out. That was a pretty cool pet.
~~~
Flyers? Check. Flight training? Check. Feathers still intact? Check. Fluttershy?
Shy.
You know, it doesn’t make any sense how she can convince me to do stuff like watch butterflies and I can’t even get her to make one lousy tornado.
The soft yellow pegasus was currently pouring her heart out about some ponies making fun of her at flight camp.
The best thing to do about taunting was bury it. “Suck it up Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash pushed aggressively. “This is no time for-“ No, wait, this won’t work on her. I don't wanna get beaten up and have her escape out the window again, either. Rainbow Dash softened her tone and backed off. “I mean, confidence or no confidence, I’m gonna need every pegasus to break the record, including you.”
Even after Rainbow Dash managed to get Fluttershy to fly, the sensitive pegasus ended up running off in tears. So that’s it? After all this, I can’t even get my best friend to fly with us? What kind of a flight coach am I?
The so-called weather team leader clenched her hoof, but there were no enemies here to swing at. She kicked the ground in frustration and walked away, watching a pink tail disappear on the horizon. Fluttershy didn’t look back.
Even if we do beat the record, it won’t be the same. Why can’t she see that? Rainbow Dash sighed. She cut the wallowing short. Now’s no time to look weak! I’ve got to go out there and give it my all, or everything the team’s worked for will fall to pieces.
She pushed Fluttershy from her mind and went to blow that record skyhigh.
~~~
Spitfire should be back soon. What was taking her so long?
Soarin’ looked blankly at a magazine while Blaze and Wave Chill fought with each other on the common area couch. Blaze had her yellow hoof pressed into Wave Chill’s foreleg while he tried to block her from stomping him in the eye. She reached for a video game remote he held as far from her as he could.
“What the stuff Wave Chill. I want to be player two this time. Gimme that.”
“Heck no, dude. No freaking way am I gonna be the one responsible when we die. Again.”
“Fine, I never needed you anyway. I’m fast enough I can play both parts at once. Now hoof over the remote, bro.” None of the Wonderbolts were related; Blaze just called everypony bro. “I’m gonna school you Celestia-style.”
“In your moon dreams.” Wave Chill dropped the remote and the two pegasi slapped at each other with their wings.
Soarin’ read the sentence for the utmost time that evening, finally registering the words.
These sexy models are just a sampling of what will be at the competition next month. Take a look at this beauty:
He pawed the trifold open. A triple tier cake to die for unfolded in strawberry-chocolate layers so finely printed he might just eat the page.
The cake picture and the couch tipping over as squabbling ponies rolled onto the floor still wasn’t enough to distract him from the growing worry about Spitfire. Did Dash wear those saddlebags? What if she acts differently around Spitfire? What if she’s just bragging about being able to coordinate her team better? It’s not like I’ve seen her in action, but I was so sure – focus on the cake, Soarin’. Keep reading. You never worry, what’s your problem?
The door slammed open behind his back. Blaze and Wave Chill shut up. Soarin’ heard stiff-legged stomps head straight for him.
Spitfire poured bits onto the table and they clattered noisily. She laughed, still fully suited up. “Soarin’, you win. I still can’t believe it. I thought you were exaggerating your horseshoes off when you said she was ready. Do you know what she said?” Spitfire pulled off her goggles and coolly wiped them down, still smiling. “She said, ‘If you wanna talk guts, then you’ve gotta give it to my number one flyer, Fluttershy.’ Holy fireballs Soarin’, what did you do to that pegasus? I didn’t even see that coming!”
Soarin’ collected his winnings, worries gone. He was a proud pegasus, but he knew Rainbow Dash’s ascension probably had more to do with her friends than his sadly small presence. Not that he was going to tell Spitfire this. Instead he said, “You mean you’re actually going to listen to me from now on?”
“Nah. That’s all Lightning Streak’s money anyway.”
Leave it to the lightning pegasus to bet a large amount of money against Spitfire and lose.
Wave Chill extracted himself from Blaze’s headlock and said, “Yo, wait up. Those are my bits. I told Lightning Streak he couldn’t spend a week without hanging out with any fans and I lost.”
Blaze cocked her head. “Guys, d’ya think we ever actually spend any money, or does it just go hoof to hoof around here?”
They all shrugged. Blaze snatched the remote out of Wave Chill’s curled wing.
~~~
She was still bummed they didn’t beat the record, but things could’ve gone much, much worse. At least Spitfire had seemed happy. Rainbow Dash really wished she could’ve impressed her, though. Maybe just a little bit, I wish Soarin’ had been there. More than a little.
She pulled open one of the drawers on the nightstand next to her bed to get something. I have to stay focused on the Wonderbolts. The contents of the drawer looked off. Hmm.
Rainbow Dash pushed around the things inside the nightstand drawer again, double checking. She shuffled through old papers, letters from home, fan mail, a few bits, some more photos of her friends, and a crayon drawing of a light blue potato with legs and rainbow hair.
It was gone.
I probably put it somewhere stupid. The only pony who could've been in here was Soarin', and he better have not been nosing through my stuff.
She forgot whatever it was she was looking for earlier. All she knew was that one of the things that had been in there wasn't anymore. Well, no big deal. It'd turn up eventually.
It did.
Oh my what could be missing
Rifling through Dashie's droors, eh? Somebody's in trouble.
...I really have no idea what could be missing...and I really doubt Soarin took something...Is it Spitfire's saddle bags?
Anyway, glad for the update. I needed my dose of amazing SoarinDash.
Hmmm it does seem like they pass a lot of money around without ever actually spending it.
Some things I noticed:
put them somewhere safe where they don’t get messed up. (Think that should be won't)
So that’s it? After all this, and I can’t even get my best friend to fly with us? (nix the and)
Maybe just a little bit I wish Soarin’ had been there, too. More than a little. (I think the comma should go after 'bit' and not after 'there')
I think this may be the first time I wasn't confident in my grammar Nazism...
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Hmm...you have my attention. Proceed...
I'd avoid parenthesis usage (because it looks very crude and you shouldn't have to use it to add last second details if your descriptions are complete and fluid).
I'd also avoid using phrases that imply we know anything about your version of a character that has had zero canonical screen time.
i.e. "Leave it to the lightning pegasus to bet a large amount of money against Spitfire and lose."
All we really know about your version of him is that he has an accent and plays the field. I've seen things like this in previous chapters, but was too lazy to say anything until I realized you might appreciate tidbits on improving from good writing to great writing.
The good news is... character development! We finally see some reciprocated romantic feelings from Dash, though Soarin' seemed a bit too clueless for belief when she popped that question out.
I suggest having someone proofread for little stuff like that so that your story feels more solid and perhaps gets the recommendation it probably deserves. I'm a hypocrite when I say that though, cuz I get one of my friends to proofread new chapters for my stories like 1/3 of the time (then again, my writing is usually pretty fantastic first time around and I usually catch the typos. Then again, I also don't use parenthesis in my story(ies)).
Your chapter names are also very.... weird. Not good, memorable weird either. There's a brief mentioning of the spider in all of 4000+ words when the main focus was cloud tricks and dinner.
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Parentheses are a flippant grammar thing I do on purpose. There's an original story - not MLP related - that plays with grammar in a way that's extremely amusing to me: Wor(l)dless. Sometimes I throw elements in like that to make things feel more "meta," less important, and silly. Parentheses are a style choice I probably won't change, much like my serial comma.
I hadn't thought about the narrative where there's implied knowledge about a character. Typically this happens because Soarin' / RD knows them. When I write like that, I don't expect the reader to know the character very well. Scraps of information should build up over time to give a better picture of the background character. There's a lot of Wonderbolts, so it's obviously challenging for me to do right. I'd need a second opinion about where I've used implied knowledge to make a decision about whether or not I should stop.
I've thought about the chapter names. Some people will like them and others won't; it's one of those things that breaks the norm and therefore creates strong feelings. Chapter names are something I may go over when this story is done.
I appreciate the detailed suggestions. One of the nice things about being a niche story is you get people who actually give real feedback, as opposed to a single sentence saying "wow" or "I'll read it later." It's part of what is rewarding about writing versus animating and drawing.
1385897
Parenthesis aren't and should never be needed to make a scene feel casual and silly. Content and description should be used instead, which boggles my mind because you use them just fine to create the casual, silly feeling you desire (i.e. struggling out of the saddlebags). I understand they're sometimes useful for particular writing styles if they're used consistently, but you don't use them consistently, they don't add to the casual descriptive you're hoping for, and they actually take away from the quality of your writing.
I hadn't noticed the 'serial comma', but commas aren't a large concern in story writing because if you feel the reader should pause at that part in the sentence, then it's your choice for us to read it like that.
A proof reader would help eliminate implied narrative (and other chalky stuff) for future chapters. I'll do it if you want, since this is one of the few regularly updated stories I look forward to, but if you found my opinion overly harsh or cynical then there are plenty of groups that could probably help you (or not, I wouldn't know since I don't browse for proof readers).
Chapter names should hold something important to the context of the passage. They can be simple and obvious, or the name of something that's important, but less direct. Naming them after mundane details (sky spider) is just... eh.
I'd also seriously consider revising previously written chapters. Your story doesn't have that much attention, and new readers obviously read from the beginning, so if they read better quality, they may be convinced to continue reading.
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MMmm. *taps chin* I don't know, I'm a little torn. I'm writing for fun. I want it to be good, but... I don't want my story to be a pain in the ass for both of us. Let me message you about it later; I can't think straight right now for several reasons.
Yes, the first chapters need rewriting. I want to finish this entire arc before I go back and fix those up (if I decide to). A certain part of this story really needs to get done by November, because Season 3 is going to screw up some things I have planned. I can see the future.
And now, thanks to 8-Xenon-8, this story is officially cool:
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/278/5/7/show_off_by_8_xenon_8-d5gwfxj.png
Fantastic is usual. I think I really like your writing style. One minor error I spotted: you put "host", referring to Rainbow Dash, when she, being a filly/mare, ought to be referred to a "hostess".
Sky spiders?!
And you're doing a good job working the episodes into this. That's the pastry competition from 'MMMMystery on the Friendship Express' Soarin's reading about, isn't it?
He might get caught if he stayed any longer, and he was starting to feel sleepy. Imagine getting
caught sleeping in RainbowDash's bed. Hahaha...
No.
LOL, I seriously started to crack up when Soarin said that.
What was it? When'd it turn up? Answer me!!!
Those darned Aussies.
I still love the training scenes.