Sentinel lead the trio down a tunnel lit by torchlight. “I’m glad you’ve agreed to work peacefully. Resulting to other methods of compliance can prove stressful to everypony involved. Now, on to your first assignment.” He continued to walk and talk as the trio noticed some cultists flanking them.
“Before we go any further,” Hot Shot demanded as he stopped walking, making the cultist behind him almost bump into him. “How come you grabbed us? I’m a retired soldier, Crescent is a rageful foal, and Eclipse is… something. So why go through the trouble to grabbing us?”
“You see,” Sentinel said turning around to answer, “I didn’t choose you myself. Our glorious leader chose you. Her will has never before steered me wrong.”
They all continued down the hall, eventually reaching a large open cavern that looked like a training room. Various dummies and weapons were placed about, and there were several large obstacle courses. They could see ponies training throughout.
“Listen closely,” Sentinel began while sitting at a desk overseeing the room. “The first thing we need you to do is prove yourselves.”
“We didn’t do that when we wiped the floor with your goons?” Crescent smirked. “They weren’t even a real challenge!”
“This won’t involve combat if you’re smart. I need you to get something for me. A crystal, from the Canterlot castle. You will find it in the vault under the main hall. Trying to fight your way there would be a death sentence, even with your armor. What you’ll need to do is sneak in.”
Eclipse answered. “How do we sneak in? This armor doesn’t come off.”
“The armor can disguise itself as a piece of generic clothing, such as a necklace like mine is now,” Sentinel said gripping a necklace around his neck with a wolf head as the emblem.
“So we’re not the only ones with these suits? Here I thought we were going to be special snowflakes.” Hot Shot laughed. “You can’t have too many of these, though, or everypony would be wearing them.”
“It’s true, we don’t have many, but letting you get them was a tactical choice. I’ll explain it later, as for now just try to focus and make the armor something not so suspicious. Try a necklace or an earring.”
Eclipse began to focus, thinking of what she would want to make it. She thought the best thing was a anklet around her forehoof. After the transformation, and a bit a work, she had a small purple anklet in the shape of a comet around her left forehoof. She then put her cloak back on.
“I know what I want!” Hot Shot focused for a moment and his armor rapidly shifted into a pair of flight goggles with a smaller version of his Cutie Mark on the strap. He adjusted it onto his forehead for a moment before grinning like a colt who just got a new toy.
Crescent focused his into a gold bandolier with black pouches.
Sentinel grinned at them. “Glad you like the armors so far. They are more powerful than you can imagine. Of course, there are safety measures.”
“What kind of safety, and can we take them off at all?” How Shot questioned.
“You shouldn’t need to worry about the safety measures, and only those trusted can remove them. I could remove them or my own, but see no point. You can make it look however you want, but never remove it completely,” Sentinel cleared his throat. “Forgive me, I’m rambling.” He gestured to a nearby unicorn cultist to walk over. “If you have any questions, now is the time to ask.” They had no further questions, and so they were blindfolded and led somewhere. Through the blindfolds they could see a flash and feel the tingle of magic. When they removed the blindfolds, they were inside an alleyway in Canterlot.
“Well, you are both guards, or were, right?” Eclipse asked them plainly. “Or, at least, Crescent is, and Hot Shot used to be.”
“Yea, what about it?” Crescent asked her.
“Well, it shouldn’t be hard for either of you to enter the castle then,” she told them. She did have a point. Nobody would think anything weird about it.
“But what about you?” Hot Shot asked her, not sure what her plan was.
“Why, sneaking into places? You think that's hard for me? I’ve done this kind of work before,” she pointed out, proud of herself.
This is different than what we're used to Eclipse. If you get caught, it's over, it pointed out to her. They both looked at her, but then realized who they were talking to, and weren’t surprised. They headed towards the castle located in Canterlot.
“So, any plans on how to get into the vault without getting found out? The main hall isn’t exactly empty.” Hot Shot pointed out, and he was right. Getting into the castle wouldn’t be hard, but getting into the vault, that's another story. However, a plan began to form in her head.
Well, they are both guards. They could say there are doing some work where the vault is. Of course, getting into the vault safely is a different story. I am going to search the vault with my magic first, and see what kind of vault it is. She explained the plan to them.
“And if you can’t get into the vault that way?” Crescent asked.
“Then plan B. One of us will force a guard who has access to the vault to open it up for us. Hopefully, it won’t come to that.” With that, her horn glowed green, and she used her spell to find the vault’s location. She had never stole anything from Canterlot before, but she had done this plenty times before.
The castle ceiling was high, and the light from the windows left it in the shadows. A perfect place to sneak around in! Hot Shot thought, he flapped his armoured wings. To his surprise, the metal blades did not grind or make a sound. He was completely silent. He grinned like a maniac as he jumped into the air. He effortlessly glided, as if his armour improved his flight ten times more.
As Hot Shot was flying around by the window, Crescent walked to the front doors. No reason to sneak if it would cause suspicion. He approached the front doors as the other night guardsmen greeted him.
“Hey, Crescent!” the one on his left said—he was a batpony in Lunar Guard armor carrying a spear. “You disappeared last night after the wagon picked you up. The driver said you were there one minute, gone the next.”
“Yeah, what happened?” the one on his right questioned, who happened to look the same. “You just vanished. What happened?”
Crescent had to think fast. Although not planning on working for the cult, he didn’t want to tell just anypony what happened. It would look bad for him, and it might stop any chance he had of infiltrating if they were watching like Sentinel threatened.
“I… I was called off quickly.” He gave a sheepish grin, and the right guard raised an eyebrow.
“From the back of the wagon?” He didn’t look convinced.
“Well, yeah, the commander flew up the the back of the wagon and needed me for something else.”
The guards exchanged looks.
“I don’t know, Crescent, that seems fishy,” one of them said.
“It’s the truth!” Crescent insisted. “Now, I’ve got a report to file, and I need to go inside.”
The two moved out of the way without another word. Crescent walked in, leaving Eclipse outside alone.
After Hot Shot and Crescent got inside, Eclipse readied a teleport spell. She vanished in a dull, dark flash, bringing herself inside the castle. Once inside, she begun to look around, and saw the room she was in. She was in one of the several different hallways in the castle.
Alright. First thing I need to do is to find the crystal. Eclipse thought to herself. She used a searching spell and begun to walk around the castle, putting her hood over her head. Almost everyone in the castle knew what she looked like, so she took care to hide herself.
It wasn’t hard for Crescent or Hot Shot to find the area, and with Eclipse’s tracking spell she soon met up with the other two.
All three were in the main hall where the vault should be located. A large statue of Celestia stood off to one side, a fitting location and confirmed by Eclipses spell. According to the spell, the crystal was right under it.
“What are we waiting for?” Hot Shot said, walking towards the statue. “Let’s open the vault.”
Eclipse stopped him. “Doesn’t it seem odd that there are no guards in here?”
Crescent thought for a moment. “Well… if they posted guards in here… it would be more suspicious, right? Ponies would think there was something to guard, right? That must be the reason.” The moment the words left his mouth, he realized how unconvincing—to both himself and his partners—it was.
“I guess. Just, be on your guard. I don’t want to fight if we don’t have to,” Eclipse told him. She knew they wouldn’t stand a chance if Celestia showed up.
The trio approached the statue looking for any signs of a trap door or switch to open the vault they knew was below. As Crescent tried to figure out the statue’s secrets, Hot Shot and Eclipse stood watch. They knew something was wrong. Why would such an important spot have no guards? It wasn’t long before they heard Crescent.
“Got it!” The statue started to rise revealing a staircase beneath it. “Now let’s get it and get out of here.”
Crescent hurried into the vault, with the other two shortly behind him.
At the bottom of the stairs was a large vault door with the Equestrian flag on it. The door looked like it weighed at least a ton and was pure steel, probably enchanted to boot. Worst of all, there was an intricate system of locks in view and most likely out of view as well. In order to open it, they would need a combination and a key.
“Well, this makes things complicated,” Hot Shot complained.
“Yeah, no kidding,” Crescent said looking at the locks. “I don’t even think I could break into this.”
“I also sense a magic enchantment on it, so I can’t use my magic on it,” Eclipse added.
“It is the palace of Celestia and Luna; what do you expect? They’ve got to have top notch security,” Hot Shot said adding his opinion in. “But if we can still blow it up is the question…”
“Do you really want us to get caught?” Crescent deadpanned.
“Do you have any better ideas?” Eclipse butted in.
“Point taken.”
They stared onto the massive cold steel vault, thinking of a way to crack it open.
“Well, it needs a key and a code right? We should try and find those, or forge them if possible?” Eclipse added in. She wasn’t sure where she would begin, but she knew it was the only other action.
“Well then, where do you suppose we look?” Hot Shot added, wanting to speed this up.
“There’s a security office on the second floor,” Crescent added. “I remember when they put it in. If there’s a key, it’s there.”
“But isn’t this inside a mountain?” Hot Shot asked
“Yeah. So?”
“So how do we know we’re not on the 100th floor?” he continued. “And even if we do know what floor we’re on, how do we know which one is the ground floor or we’re not in the basement?”
“Well, I could do a small scan with my magic to see,” Eclipse pointed out. She began a spell.
Eclipse scanned the castle with her magic, she could see the floor above them had the office they were seeking. “It’s above us, we’ll need to go to the next floor.”
“It’s settled then,” Crescent said starting to walk towards the exit to the room. “We go up to the next floor.”
“Yeah, they’ll just let us walk up there,” Hot Shot said rolling his eyes. “Likely story.”
Crescent thought for a moment, putting a hoof on his chin. “Maybe not you two, but me. They think I’m back, so they won’t suspect anything. You two wait here.”
“Oh, the hell you’ll be leavin’ me here!” Hot Shot replied in a sassy tone. “I’m going with you; this place creeps the shit outta me.”
“Hot Shot, stay. I will be with you. We can’t mess things up now,” Eclipse said, as she made her horn glow. “Or will I have to make you stay?”
“Alright, I’ll stay. Jeez, girl,” Hot Shot whined, sitting down. Eclipse then turned to Crescent.
“Be careful, they might be onto us.” She added. He nodded as he was about to leave, but heard a voice boom into the hall.
“Crescent Blade!” a voice yelled out to him. It was the commander's voice.
Oh shit, he thought.. He turned around to see his commander looking at him.
“Where did you run off too? I heard you told others I called you. Explain yourself!” he demanded. Crescent had to think fast.
“I was told I got orders from you to have a change of plans, sir. I was told to take Eclipse to a different location..
“I gave no such orders. Explain yourself, where did you get these orders from?” The commander stared Crescent down. Clearly he wasn’t going to bluff his way out of this one, and fighting would be bad against the commander and trained soldiers, but what choice did he have? The cult could be listening in and betraying them would be bad too, if the armor was really controlled by them. It was do or die, and he had to think of something fast.
“Mind control,” Eclipse said as she walked past him. “I took these two over and broke in here. The will of two overly cocky soldiers is nothing compared to a master of dark magic.”
“You understand you’re admitting to one of the most vile crimes in the Equestrian Crimes Code?” the commander questioned her. “Why stop fighting now after coming back? Don’t you fear dungeon time?”
“Time spent behind stone walls is nothing but a trivial nuisance. I’ll likely outlive your sentence,” Eclipse said flatly and monotoned, giving the guard commander a soulless stare into his yellow batpony eyes.
The commander shivered.
“Take this… thing… to the dungeons,” the commander ordered. “Take the other two to the medical ward. I want to make sure they’re not hurt or still under some form of spell.”
Guards followed into the room surrounding the trio and cast a spell over all of them. Eclipse felt cut off from her advanced spells as a white aura glowed, and then they all passed out.
When Cresent regained consciousness, he realized he was strapped to a hospital bed in the medical ward. Beside him was a still unconscious Hot Shot. Crescent tested his restraints, trying to loosen them and free his forehooves.
“Wake up, you old bastard.” Crescent’s horn flared and his telekinesis launched a medical tray right into Hot shot’s face.
“What—fuck!” Hot shot yelled, his cheek purple and bruised. “I told you, I’m not old!”
“Quiet down,” Crescent demanded as he used his magic to make a small magical blade cut the straps holding him down. “I’m in no mood for any of your shit right now.”
As soon as Crescent was free of his straps, his horn pulsed and moved his knife to cut Hot Shot’s straps.
“The hell, Crescent! Stop!” Hot shot yelled as the knife flew around him.
“I said stop yelling, you moron.” As soon as the last strap was cut Crescent dispelled his weapon.
“Geez! What stick crawled up your ass, you jerk?!”
“The same stick I’m gonna lodge into your eye socket if you don’t stop talking,” he deadpanned, silencing Hot Shot for good.
The two of them heard a door open as a doctor and a couple guards walked in. “We step out for one moment, and you awaken and start trouble?” The doctor looked at the two sternly. “What is the meaning of this? Where did you even get a weapon to cut the straps?” He looked to the guard. “They must still be under control of that Eclipse pony. Have them sedated again and get another spell purge scroll; this control is tougher than we thought.”
“Good job Crescent, real great job,” Hot Shot he mumbled as the guards came over with a syringe to sedate them.
“Wait, wait, wait!” Crescent shouted towards them. “We're fine, I swear. We were confused was all.” He then winked towards Hot Shot. The older pony was at first confused, but then quickly caught on..
“That's right, I don't even know where I am.” Hot Shot added. They needed to make this seem real.
“Well, let us run a test to be sure. This is dark magic after all.” one of the guards explained. They both sighed, wondering what happened to Eclipse, and why she was helping.
Eclipse awoke in her cell, Nightbeam still in her hooves. She tried to use her magic, but she was cut off from it. She could summon the armor, but thought it best to keep it hidden.
“So, the monster finally wakes up.” She knew that voice from the commander earlier. “Do you know how much trouble you've caused us, Eclipse?”
“No, but I really don't care. We all have to make a living somehow,” she said in a mocking tone.
“Well then, you will find out. Princess Celestia is coming to see you soon. Don't bother with your magic, you can't use it” he said with glee, walking away.
“Wait!” Eclipse yelled, having a pleading look in her eyes, “Can you at least tell me what will happen to me?”
“Banishment or execution at best,” he stated.
7462141 Sorry about the errors. It's like my pal said though, with so many of us writing (usually), it can get hectic, and a couple of them write differently. We try to fix things without really changing what they wrote too much, but I understand.
This review is brought to you by Twilight's Reviews (if that makes any sense)
Before I begin, This won't be a complete review since the story itself isn't complete so this will be re-reviewed once it's complete. Now on to the review(part of it anyways)
To start off, your writing are pretty solid, pretty spot on actually. I don’t need to get into much detail more then need be. Plot wise, it's good. That's all I need to add there. However, there is something worth pointing out:
Yea, it's strange but maybe I just don't get it. Side note, Shouldn't it be rated M since the F bomb is in it or not? It goes from Crescent Blade to Eclipse with no line break to indicate the change in viewpoint. That's where I got lost. The few paragraphs previous are written in third person limited form witch is why I got lost. We are experiencing the world from Crescent’s shoulders and then we are suddenly shunted on to Eclipse’s. When you weave more than one viewpoint together like this (in third person), you should establish that you are doing so in the first few paragraphs as to not make the point where other perspectives show up jarring. It's not to fatal since it only happens and never again.
Now the bar scene is a bit strange. In terms of content, it's fine as it does an excellent job of establishing your characters’ personalities a smidgen. But... the reason for the scene’s existence itself. Of course, maybe I'm just missing the point. Also, from what I understand, the Military and police forces would not take the prisoner they are trying to escort to a bar under normal circumstances as the reason Eclipse was smart enough to attempt to exploit. Bars are loud, full of people(ponies) that may (or may not) hate for authority figures, and have a lot of items that can be used as improvised weapons to aid in an escape attempt. Standard procedure for detaining people(ponies) is to bring multiple people to secure the prisoner before moving them immediately to a containment facility, or to lock the area down and wait for reinforcements to help with the former action to said reinforcements would know of the operation beforehand, and come fully prepared for a fast method and/of prisoner transport. (It is possible btw, even if they did select a bar as the rendezvous point. Military personnel not holding the idiot ball is new to me. Props to you). Situations where an operator has to keep another person held against their will, rather than simply killing them, are precarious. Even when the prisoner is bound or incapacitated, it is implausible for a trained expert to take risks like that. There are a few exceptions to this. Examples are new officers, expertise, militia, saboteurs, and stereotypical bounty hunters(That I'm aware of).
It would have been more believable if Crescent detain Eclipse inside of the bar, or at least have the fight end there (which would give Hot-Shot a valid reason to start a fight. “Damn Night Guard ruining my day with his ruckus!” in addition to being drunk.) Speaking of witch, fight to detain Eclipse, such a scene would been prefect opening that would allow for slower pacing down the line with heavy dialogue.
Now for my least favorite part of reviewing(constrictive criticism) This line-
This line breaks the “show not tell” guideline. Not only are you selling your reader(s) short of all but wit bare minimum of a description, but it also hurts yourself in making your character unique. What does Crescent do when he gets angry? Does he swear? break stuff? That type of thing. Now imagine the offending person/object in a terrifying and painful implement of torture with Crescent at the controls? These little things turn “generic protagonist” into “Crescent Blade”(witch can either help or hurt depending on how you looking at it).
Also, these lines are missing something.
Also-
These lines are inconsistent with Eclipse's character. First, you say that Eclipse has literally no emotions, but then you have her show them, and then not show them when it’s more convenient(?). You can’t go back and forward like that, which is why emotionless characters are very hard to write. Only a handful of characters(Maud Pie) can get away with this type of thing.
Overall, it's a nice start and I hope to see more. Once it's complete, I will re-review it. Thank you for you time.
7530048 You know whats funny about this review? Our editors have said the same things you brought up and even others have told me the same thing, just look at the review a few comments down.
One thing to keep in mind, we have about 5 writers on this, so things do tend to get messy and lost.
We have less writers so things might go better, and and I more then likly not going to fix it due to how much work that would bring, but thanks for the info. I will bring it up to the main other writers and we can work to improve later.
7530059 Huh... So they do. I found the same problems so I brought them up. I didn't intent to repeat something someone already said. I went at this without looking at other comments so I should have expect this. In either event, its a nice start.
7530075 Yea its fine, that just means that its easier to fix those problems from more people, which means it has less :)
Awesome characters, plot and your grammar and mechanics are fine. I love the story line and I am very attached to the characters already, I applaud your entire writing team and ideas team, beautiful story. I can't wait for more!
7558279 But didn't you write it?
7558286 Shhhhh, just go with it.
7558302 Ok