For 20,000 years, I have slept. I have been waiting so long for my Queen... 20,000 years left in the dust, I have finally arisen, but not in the world I know. Hopefully I will find answers to the past. But until then, I will kill anything in my way.
Ok, so where did that cover art come from? Cause it looks like someone combined medieval plate armor with Warhammer 40k Space marine and Adeptus Sororitas power armor. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it looks completely bad@$$, I'm just curious about it's origins and if there is any back story to it.
Also, you might want check grammar because you have some agreement issues here and there.
being stronger and much more than the older models.
Not quite sure what you were going for here, so all I can suggest is a revision of the sentence.
only the Queens ever got to worked on the final spells to form my creation.
only the Queens were allowed to work on the spells for my creation.
This leading to me learning and understanding the world I knew and that I was a being sentient.
sentient being.
They were black incest like animals that stood on four legs with a curved horn on their head and bug like wings on their backs.
insect (That made me laugh though)
They were in charge of bring me to my mistress.
bringing
I was displeased to find that the Jetpack's own Power Gems
Get rid of the repetitive "own" as the " 's " in jetpack's shows ownership.
With that said in mind, I continued to wearily walk, searching for my next source of energy.
With that in mind, I continued to walk, searching wearily for my next source of energy.
I then was about to walked out of the room's other door when I heard a group of hoof steps marching towards that door.
walk This could be changed to "hoofsteps" as a play on footsteps, but it is entirely up to you
The doors then opened to reveal what looked like a group of 4 heavily armored guards, 6 normal ones that looked like caretakers saw at the forge, and lastly one that what looked like their leader.
The doors opened to reveal a group of 4 heavily armored guards, 6 normal ones (They looked like the caretakers I saw at the forge.), and lastly what seemed to be their leader.
else that scares me my queen." The
(This is a little nitpicky, the spacing is off.) my Queen. "The Also I saw a couple other places where "my Queen" is "my queen" think of it like talking to Luna or Celestia "Yes Princess. It will be done Princess."
the other two guards lowing their heads
lowering
The guards were in shock as I merely grabbed one of the, crushing it's heavy blue armor like copper as I absorbed its soul. The other guards fared the same fate as I crushed his armor and back with my boot, squashing it like the bug it was.
them The other guard fared a similar fate as I crushed him under my boot, armor and all, like the bug he was.
But the thing that make this battle totally winnable for me
makes
I spook in the first time I had in thousands of years.
I spoke for the first time in thousands of years.
I rasped into her ear, activating my Chainsword as it began to saw through and cut up her insides. She screamed out as I gutted and ripped apart her insides and lower half to shreds. I then quickly finished as I left her lower half a bloody mess of neon green and bits of mangled flesh. Her insides were mush as she bleeding a river on the floor. Her eyes were empty as she was dead.
This needs a little love. (Cuz it's a changeling?- heh...)
I rasped into her ear as my Chainsword screeched to life. The effects were as immediate as they were dramatic. Blood began to spray from her back as pulped innards began to pile on the floor below her in a shower of neon green gore. I pulled my blade free and watched as her lower half joined the pile of entrails; her upper half collapsing to the stone floor a few feet away with wide empty eyes.
But I quickly pushed those thoughts away as I began to absorb all of the heaving magic in my armor.
Cause it looks like someone combined medieval plate armor with Warhammer 40k Space marine and Adeptus Sororitas power armor.
It is just that! But works differently with magics and different metals. I'm just using it as a base as it completely matched my idea of what it looked like. I added Chainsword because why not?
Not that I'm complaining mind you, it looks completely bad@$$, I'm just curious about it's origins and if there is any back story to it.
Indeed it is Badass. Time will tale in the chapters to come.
This is good so far. I really like the set up we have here. The only question I have is will the Golem hate ponies? I really hope not because he near invincible. Yes I know fighting chrsalis weakned him but he could recover.
7549397 Not really. While the Chaos Metal is (in a verities of ways) said to indestructible. Sure, it can take huge beatings that could kill demigods. But his best and most reliable ability is his most fatal flaw. While he can take direct magical attacks that could wipe out armies, that deadly magical energy is absorbed by the armor. Only thing that can be truly used in forging Chaos Metal is by blasting it over and over with demigod levels of magic. So by him taking too much magic, his armor is greatly weakening unless he can contain it within himself. So is his armor is weakened, he is very vulnerable to physical damages. If I'm not helping you understand, think of his weakness/flaw like math. Everybody loves mathematics!
(Very High) Amounts of Magic + Solid Chaos Metal = Weakening Chaos Metal
Weakened Chaos Metal + Physical Damage (Depending on the Amount) = Damages to Exoskeleton / Internal Machinery / Wiring and Magic channeling / And more...
(If damages are server enough) His Chaos Soul Gem could suffer exposure and permanent damages.
I used this style in making Golem's power stats and meany other characters... So I hope this helps you understand or see how I view him.
7549480 Thank you very much! I really appreciate the chary as well. But you didn't answer the hatred of ponies question. (Unless the "Not really. Applied to both invicibility and haterd of ponies.)
"Queen Gray Star! I, Golem of Blood and Iron, warrior of Queen Rin's rightful rule! You and your kin must die." With that said, I marched, ready to do what I was built for. This day was going to be forever remembered in history as the first of many crusades against the Changeling Hives.
This day was going to be forever remembered in history as the first of many crusades
this is good, continue!
Ok, so where did that cover art come from? Cause it looks like someone combined medieval plate armor with Warhammer 40k Space marine and Adeptus Sororitas power armor. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it looks completely bad@$$, I'm just curious about it's origins and if there is any back story to it.
This is awesome.
Also, you might want check grammar because you have some agreement issues here and there.
Not quite sure what you were going for here, so all I can suggest is a revision of the sentence.
only the Queens were allowed to work on the spells for my creation.
sentient being.
insect (That made me laugh though)
bringing
Get rid of the repetitive "own" as the " 's " in jetpack's shows ownership.
With that in mind, I continued to walk, searching wearily for my next source of energy.
walk
This could be changed to "hoofsteps" as a play on footsteps, but it is entirely up to you
The doors opened to reveal a group of 4 heavily armored guards, 6 normal ones (They looked like the caretakers I saw at the forge.), and lastly what seemed to be their leader.
(This is a little nitpicky, the spacing is off.) my Queen. "The
Also I saw a couple other places where "my Queen" is "my queen" think of it like talking to Luna or Celestia "Yes Princess. It will be done Princess."
lowering
them
The other guard fared a similar fate as I crushed him under my boot, armor and all, like the bug he was.
makes
I spoke for the first time in thousands of years.
This needs a little love. (Cuz it's a changeling?- heh...)
I rasped into her ear as my Chainsword screeched to life. The effects were as immediate as they were dramatic. Blood began to spray from her back as pulped innards began to pile on the floor below her in a shower of neon green gore. I pulled my blade free and watched as her lower half joined the pile of entrails; her upper half collapsing to the stone floor a few feet away with wide empty eyes.
Delete the "But"
I would change this to "excess"
I eagerly await the next chapter.
awesome!
Just one thing.
Near the middle you spelt insect as incest...
7536464 I thank you for finding these. I have made the edits.
7536300
Google images. Look it up yourself.
It is just that! But works differently with magics and different metals. I'm just using it as a base as it completely matched my idea of what it looked like. I added Chainsword because why not?
Indeed it is Badass. Time will tale in the chapters to come.
7536652 But the real question is... Truly, how Awesome is it?
7536771 Fixed it. I feel like an idiot for making that mistake.
7537198 the answer? this awesome. 66.media.tumblr.com/449ace3d6f775f728d625ea5e705aa7e/tumblr_n9pe82qJWP1sw6z5vo1_400.gif
7537227 I don't get it.
7537236 don't worry
I am liking this story very much. Please do more and you will make a very happy dragon over here.
An interesting story yes, but the pace seems abit too fast in my opinion.
Good job
This is good so far. I really like the set up we have here. The only question I have is will the Golem hate ponies? I really hope not because he near invincible. Yes I know fighting chrsalis weakned him but he could recover.
7549397 Not really. While the Chaos Metal is (in a verities of ways) said to indestructible. Sure, it can take huge beatings that could kill demigods. But his best and most reliable ability is his most fatal flaw. While he can take direct magical attacks that could wipe out armies, that deadly magical energy is absorbed by the armor. Only thing that can be truly used in forging Chaos Metal is by blasting it over and over with demigod levels of magic. So by him taking too much magic, his armor is greatly weakening unless he can contain it within himself. So is his armor is weakened, he is very vulnerable to physical damages. If I'm not helping you understand, think of his weakness/flaw like math. Everybody loves mathematics!
I used this style in making Golem's power stats and meany other characters... So I hope this helps you understand or see how I view him.
7549480 Thank you very much! I really appreciate the chary as well. But you didn't answer the hatred of ponies question. (Unless the "Not really. Applied to both invicibility and haterd of ponies.)
7549522 You'll have to wait and read to find out. No hints here!
7549529 Okay. Thank you for clairifying. Already traking it!
7549772 NO!
7550347 Why don't you want me to track the story?
7550630 Oh... I thought you said: "already taking it" I misread it this morning... Sorry.
7551367
it's fine!
More please
7553798 Soon... Click here
When can we expect the next chapter?
7559524 I give you my answer! Click here
memes.ucoz.com/_nw/37/76593052.jpg
Great first chapter btw, looking forward to the rest
8226759
lol!