Twilight ruins her life by using bad jokes.

by Goldy

She ruins it again using "That's what she said" jokes.

Years after the first ‘incident’, Twilight returned to Equestria. On the moon, she somehow gave negative bucks. Especially to Nightmare Moon, because Celestia had sent Luna back to the moon because she played too much Diablo III. (I don’t blame her.) When Celestia had used her magic to bring Twilight back to Equestria, Celestia had asked Twilight if she learned her lesson. Twilight would have spent a year less the moon, but a year earlier, Princess Celestia asked the same question; Twilight replied that she didn’t give a buck. She was sent back to the moon. Now, when the alicorn asked the question, Twilight lied and said that she did, though she gave 20% less bucks that time.

When Twilight walked back to Ponyville, (Yes, she walked the whole way.) she went straight to her house. When she walked inside, she saw that Spike had grown a lot; he was at least a foot taller and he was starting to spout wings. He also grew a moustache. Lucky. “Twilight!” Spike said; his voice was deeper. “You’re finally back from the moon!”
“The moon?” said a voice from another room. Twilight saw a pony walkout from the room; it was a blue mare with a purple mane, and two birds as a cutie mark. Twilight recognized her; she went to magic kindergarten with her. She was Purple Arrow. (I have nothing good for a name, okay?) Twilight hated her. Both then and now. The last time Twilight saw her, she was trying to become a student of Princess Celestia, like Twilight. “Are you a criminal?” the pony said.

“Get out,” Twilight said.

“But I live here.”

“Get out!”

“But-“

“GET THE BUCK OUT!”

Purple Arrow started crying and ran out of the tree. Twilight felt a feeling of accomplishment.

“Um, that was kind of mean, Twilight,” Spike said.

“I took anti-anger management from Nightmare Moon when I was stuck on the moon,” Twilight responded. Spike just gave a confused look. “Do you still have that joke book from multiple years ago?”

Spike replied, “Uh, yeah, I don’t think Purple Arrow even touched it, so it’s probably in the same spot you left it.”

Twilight walked down the stairs to the basement alone. She remembered where it was, so she went to the spot where it was. She looked around and saw more books than the last time she went down there; she saw a few books that didn’t have much dust on them, and the titles were visible. She had read those books; they were in her library when she lived there before. She picked up the book of crappy jokes and flipped all the way to chapter 2. She read chapter 2’s title. “’That’s what she said’ jokes… I’ve heard those before. They suck.” She then began reading chapter 2’s horrible jokes. Unlike the “I don’t give a buck” jokes, she didn’t laugh at them. At all. They couldn’t even be considered funny. But, when she finished reading, they were stuck in her head. She shut the book closed and headed back upstairs. She walked up to Spike and said, “Alright. I read the second chapter.”

“There was a second chapter? And that means there’s going to be a second chapter in this story, also! I thought this was going to be a one-shot!” Spike was astonished.

“Yep. And since there’s no letter to write to Princess Celestia, I guess I’ll just use them to ruin my life again.”

Spike frowned while Twilight smiled. Twilight walked out the door and slammed it closed before Spike could even wave. Twilight started to trot to Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight noticed that the town had grown much in size during the last few years. I would think ‘I don’t give a buck’, but that’s so multiple years ago.

Twilight arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. Despite the town gaining size over time, Sweet Apple Acres was still on the edge of Ponyville; it must have grown in every other direction. It also appeared that the land for apple trees had almost doubled. Twilight didn’t give a buck, but she didn’t say it or think it. She also saw that there was one apple tree that was enormous, having a colossal size that was about double the size all of the other trees. Twilight saw Big Macintosh and Applejack were standing in front of the tree. She snuck up behind the two to eavesdrop on them. (She lost all of her manners on the moon.)

“Ah’m surprised how big this ol’ thing got!” Applejack said with her regular southern accent.

Twilight couldn’t resist the urge. “That’s what she said!” she yelled out loud while jumping.

Applejack and Big Mac turned around to see Twilight. Both of them had aged a bit, and both of them had surprised look on their faces.

“Twi? Is that you?” Applejack asked.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

“Huh, haven’t seen y’all in 4 years. You deserved being sent to the moon. Y’all didn’t only make me cry, y’all also made Flutters cry! What was wrong with y’all?!”
Twilight replied with an ‘I don’t give a buck’ grunt. “So… how’s Granny Smith?”

Applejack replied, “She’s dead. She apparent never met Fluttershy, and when she did, old Granny Smith apparently developed something called ‘diabeetus’. And Applebloom got her cutie mark. You don’t want to know what it’s for; she’s out right now. Oh yeah, and your ‘That’s what she said’ joke is horrible. It’s even worse than your old joke. Now,” Applejack shoved her head under Twilight’s chin. “get the buck off of my property.”

Twilight started walking away. When she was kind of far away, she put her hoof up into the air and yelled, “IF I HAD FINGERS, I’D BE PUTTING ONE UP RIGHT NOW!”

Twilight then thought of where to go next. She decided to go to Rarity’s boutique, since that would be a good order to not fix things. Twilight walked to where the boutique was… but it was gone. In its spot was a house no different from the others around. Twilight went to the door and knocked on it. When it opened, Twilight saw who the mare was: An aged Rarity. “Twilight, dear? Is that you? My gosh, it’s been ages! Please come in.” Twilight walked inside and saw that it looked similar to the old boutique, but there was no dumb fabric or models anywhere. “Would you like some tea?” Twilight nodded.

Rarity went into another room and came back with two cups of tea, levitating in the air with Rarity’s blue magic. Twilight sat down in a chair while Rarity placed down one of the cups on the table next to Twilight. “So…” Rarity began. “Even though this may sound like dumb question, but did anything happen when you were on the moon?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “It was a nice 4 years of boredom. The only thing that gave me fun at times was Luna. She got sent there 2 years ago, and now she’s Nightmare Moon again. I doubt that she’ll try to take over Equestria again, but she was pretty cool. We were buddies. We never had fights because, seriously, what was there to fight about? I just got back here 1 or 2 hours ago, and I’ve already been denied by Applejack. Hopefully you won’t deny an apology.”

“Of course I’ll accept one, dear! Even though you really could have helped us, and even though it was pretty inappropriate language to use in front of Sweetie Belle, it’s nothing I can stay mad at for 4 years.”

Twilight was relived; that’s one friend she got back. “So… what happened to the boutique?”

Rarity sighed and said, “I was forced to go into retirement a bit early. I got sued because somepony claimed that my materials were too cheap to be sold. They had a single dress for proof, and it wasn’t even mine! But, the judge was dumb, and they won the case. I wasn’t able to buy anything anymore, so I had to get the boutique tore down and get a new house. Thankfully, an old friend of mine who is a construction worker built one over the spot of the boutique for a cheap price. And now I’m stuck in here, trying to find something to do every day.” Twilight felt sad for her dear old friend… she might actually give a buck about something for once…

Nah, who was she kidding? She still didn’t give a buck. “I feel sorry for you… so, what’s Sweetie Belle been up to lately?”

Rarity put down the cup she was drinking out of using her magic. “She and her friends got their cutie marks not too long after you were sent to the moon. They’ve been doing stuff… you don’t want to know about. I just don’t want to talk about it.”

“So have you and Sweetie Belle made up after the fight you two had?”

“Oh, yeah, we did. Though, it took the efforts of Pinkie and Applejack to secretly get us back together again, since we were too stubborn to make up with each other. It was a bit awkward at first, but then we finally made up and got back together again.”

“That’s what she said,” Twilight said. She suddenly blushed when she realized what she said. Oh no…

Rarity suddenly got a sad face. She looked down and said in a small voice, “No… just, no. Please leave…”

“What? No, wait-“

“No, just go now,” Rarity said in a slightly larger voice.

“Please, just-“

“Go now!” Rarity said in a voice that was considered yelling to how loud she was just talking, though it really was just average voice.

Twilight decided it was no use. She just sighed and walked out of the house. Great, she just made up, and now I lost her again. Now I have 2 friends that I know are determined to hate me. Perfect. I guess I’ll go to Fluttershy’s cottage; she has a nice heart, she will probably understand… Why am I suddenly giving a buck now? Whatever…

Twilight walked over to Fluttershy’s cottage; it was one of the few things left that looked identical to what it looked like years before. Twilight knocked on the door. After a few seconds, the door was opened by Fluttershy, a bit older looking, but still adorable. “Twilight? You’re back from the moon? Huh, thought you would’ve died from lack of air on the moon…” Fluttershy said in a disgruntled voice. That’s kind of mean… Much unlike Fluttershy, normally… Fluttershy continued, “Even though I still hate you, I guess you can come in…”

Twilight frowned and walked inside the cottage; it looked very similar inside to what it looked like 4 years ago, though there were some small changes. Twilight sat down on the couch while Fluttershy closed the door. “So, Fluttershy… anything new for you, lately?”

Fluttershy sat down on a chair by Twilight and said, “Not really; I’m still taking care of animals. Though, I did go back to Iron Will and got some more anti-anger management because of your ‘joke’. Now I’m a lot tougher and won’t take any crap!” She slammed her right hoof down.

“Yeah, that’s a bit obvious. But, I got anti-anger management, also! But, I got mine from Nightmare Moon, so I win.” Fluttershy growled. “So, um… did you save the chickens, that day?”

“Well, I managed to save most of the pullets, so I at least had eggs to eat and sell. But, sadly, most of the cocks got away. I had to buy new ones! They’re really expensive!”

“That’s what she said! Wait… buck! I’m leaving now,” Twilight said with a frown.

“Yes, that is good idea,” Fluttershy said while waving at Twilight, who was walking out the door.

When Twilight shut the door, she started walking towards Sugar Cube Corner. “Yay!” she yelled sarcastically. “Another friend who hates me! That’s just beautiful.”

Twilight went up to Sugar Cube Corner. She walked in and suddenly got a feeling of nostalgia; it was exactly like it was 4 years ago. She saw Pinkie Pie up at the counter; her mane was less fluffier than what it used to be, but it wasn’t perfectly straight like in Party of One. Pinkie apparently heard the bell ring on the door, and she turned around to find her old friend. “Twilight! I’m so surprised to see you again!”

“Hi, Pinkie,” Twilight said with a warm smile. The place was empty, with only Twilight and Pinkie in there. “What have you been doing lately?”

“Well, the Cakes retired last year, so I’ve been taking care of Sugar Cube Corner alone since then.”

“Have you done anything else?”

Pinkie shook her head. “I’ve been too busy doing this. I haven’t even had a party in 2 years. And Gummy isn’t here anymore; he grew teeth, so we had to release him into the wild. And I haven’t been very happy-go-lucky, also, since this job is literally my life; that’s why my mane isn’t perfectly fluffy. And yes, I still have my fourth-wall-breaking powers, and I know that half of these readers are sad that I’m no longer fun. Don’t worry, it gets better later, once we get a conflict that isn’t Twilight just being and idiot and using horrible jokes. That is, of course, if you guys want that kind of conflict. Do you? I’ll make sure that the author makes a comment about it so you all don’t forget this or skip it.”

“Um… Pinkie? Who are you talking to?” Twilight sighed; she knew it was still no use. “So… do you still hate me?”

“Hate you? Why would I hate you? For using horrible joke because I needed help with a dumb laptop? I already let out any of the little hate I had on you when I said, ‘Your jokes are bad and you should feel bad!’, which is a meme from the internet. I may have a little grudge, but I don’t hate you.”

“And one last, quick question: Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”

Pinkie laughed. “Nopony knows where she is!” Twilight was confused. “Of yeah, you weren’t on this planet when it happened. This is what happened: Rainbow joined the Wonderbolts finally, and when she performed, she messed up the trajectory of her Sonic Rainboom or something, and she somehow managed to hospitalize a hundred ponies, including the rest of the Wonderbolts. Now she’s being hunted down by the authorities, even though she obviously didn’t do it on purpose.”

Twilight frowned. “Well, I guess you answered all the questions I need to know. Bye, Pinkie!”

“See ya, Twilight!” Pinkie said while waving as Twilight walked out the door.

When she closed the door, Twilight said to herself, “Yes! For once, I didn’t ruin a potential re-friendship using a ‘That’s what she said’ joke! So, I have one pony who can potentially be my friend again, and one I don’t know. Glorious. I guess I’ll go home now. There’s nowhere else to go.” Twilight then walked home.

When she walked inside, she was relieved to find no police or Purple Arrow; only the more mature Spike. “So, what happened this time?” Spike asked.

“Well, pretty much everypony hates me. The only one who potentially likes me is Pinkie, even though she’s not fun anymore. And maybe Rainbow Dash, but I don’t know, since she’s hiding somewhere.”

“Yeah, I know,” Spike replied with an eye roll.

“Well, I have no bucks to give, so I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Twilight.”

Spike went to a bigger basket to sleep in. Twilight walked upstairs and went to her room and saw that it was completely different, and completely hideous. “Purple Arrow really does have bad tastes,” Twilight said to herself. “But, I don’t have the time to change it, so I guess I’ll have to sleep while surrounded by this ugliness.” Twilight slipped herself into bed and fell asleep. Not a very good ending for a chapter, huh? I guess I need a better ending… Um…

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!... Wait, that makes absolutely no sense… How about…

SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE TROLOLOLOL!

Okay. Goodbye.

Comments

[Goldy]

!!!READ THIS, EVERY READER!!!
Chapter 2! It's no longer a one-shot! Oh yeah, and Pinkie told me to remind you about something :
Okay, here's the question: Do you want a conflict besides Twilight ruining her life using crappy jokes? I have an idea where Discord becomes loose because of Twilight's disharmony, and the Elements of Harmony have exploded because of Twilight losing her friends. Twilight has to somehow get her friends back (Including Rainbow Dash), then somehow defeat Discord. Or do you just want to keep it how Twilight just uses crappy jokes? PLEASE TELL MEH!
I also need a recommendation for a new crappy joke for chapter 3! Please tell me one to use! TELL ME SOMETHING!

[Himmler GZ]

It's out!
Next probably do "Arrow to the knee"
Also, I think just the joke thing is okay.

[bigbronyboy]

CONFLICT: Maybe
DISCORD: Yes
OVERALL STORY: Try to keep as much as you first intended

[DezzarTac]

Conflict: Crappy jokes.
Discord sucks, leave'em out D:

try "arrow to the knee"

[tugh34]

crappy jokes definately

try "bow chicka bow wow"

[Wolfesblut]

785313
Both, kinda. I'd think the story outlines you said there are great, but need a lot of pages to be great to read as well.
OTOH, lame jokes can get boring very fast, so if you enjoy writing in this scenario, I'd probably would go for the other choice.

[Goldy]

For anyone reading, sorry for not updating ANYTHING lately. My brain is just bucking dead. I've had nothing to propel me to write. I'm trying, but I'm trying to work on 3 different fanfics at once, plus a new one I'm typing up. It'll come eventually. It also appears that I'm Gabe Newell, since I've been delaying chapter 3.

[Atheron]

Oh! Do "Call Me Maybe" jokes! Or the arrow in the knee ones. Those would be cool too!

Also, "It also appears that I'm Gabe Newell, since I've been delaying chapter 3."

I see what you did there

[KartalTheWriter]

You don't give a buck what I say and that's fine.
I gotta be honest. This one was kind of depressing.
Go back to the cheesy jokes!
And also, you ruined Harry Potter for me. (just kidding )
IDEA! What if Twilight just went around telling ponies spoliers to popular, ponified pop culture like what you just did at the end only it's not the same spoiler over and over so it can be a little more different?

[fluttershywriter]

So. Much. Win.
That's what she said...