The Definitive Guide to Equestria

by The Dauntless Entrinity

Getting to Equestria

While I’m sure you all want to get right into what life in Equestria is like, it is just as important to know how you get to Equestria in the first place. First thing you should know is that there are only two portals on Earth. One in New York on Equus Island and another in Hong Kong. These are the only places on Earth that you can get to Equestria through. At the time of writing, they are working on getting a portal in Russia but it will probably be awhile before that happens.

Now, the portals are not free in more ways than one. First, you must pay 500 usd to get through, with extra fees for baggage and any ‘special’ objects you’d like to take with you. The current rate is 30 usd per every 10 pounds, I think you can see why getting through this way could get very costly. No weapons of any kind or any size are allowed through and your bag will be opened and searched extensively by both a human and a pony and you will be given a physical assessment by a pony physician. If you are on a watch list or have a collection of materials that could be used to build a weapon then you won’t be allowed through. This means, knifes, guns, bombs, swords, bats, etc. If you desperately need to cut an apple or something in Equestria, you’ll need to buy a knife over there or ask somepony to borrow one. Other restrictions are no items that weigh more than three hundred pounds, meaning you can’t bring your fridge or couch or bed over with you unless you have a government provided pass to do so. Now, onto the various ways to get through the D.I.P.T or Department of Interplanetary Travel.

1.Pay 500 usd plus the extra baggage cost. This is the normal way and is how most people will probably get through. But this guide is to help you with all things Equestria and I wouldn’t be doing a very good job if I didn’t have a few tricks to give you.

2. Get a travel visa. Now, this is a little harder to get but will help you save on cash. Travel visas are given out to humans who have an already planned workplace or if there are services needed in Equestria that you can specifically help with. Visas can last from one week up to three years.

3. Get a scholarship. If you can manage to catch the eye of an Equestrian professor or head of a college they just might give you a scholarship to pay for all your travel expenses. Sadly, these scholarships end whenever your studies are over and if you want to live in Equestria you may have to pay the 500 anyway plus whatever trinkets and things you picked up during your studies.

4. Get your expenses paid for by an aristocrat or head of one of the human-pony relations organizations. This is the way I got in and I highly recommend it. Except...there’s a caveat. The majority of these human-pony organizations will only pay the way for people who show potential and are willing to become a humbrid. Since everything is coming out of their pocket they’ll probably ask that you either help them with something or that you stay within contact range.

I highly implore you to not try and sneak into Equestria. The consequences are not nice. The four methods above are the ones I have found most reliable.

Now, money isn’t everything and just because you can pay your own way through doesn’t mean you get to just waltz into Equestria. Everyone going into Equestria must take the E.S.F.T, Equestrian Societal Fitness Test or Esfit for short. This test will decide whether or not you are fit to go to Equestria as well as how high of a priority you are to get through. As you may already know, Equestria is a very different place than Earth and while it’s safe for a pony to go to Earth without being tested it is much more dangerous for a human to go to Equestria without being tested. The Esfit was requested by the royal sisters when two bank robbers went to Equestria to seek asylum and it ended with a unicorn in the emergency room and a dead human. This event nearly decimated all person-pony relations on both sides and after a week of heated argument the Esfit was put into effect on the human side of the portal.

Now, I can’t tell you nor remember all the questions on the test but I can tell you a few tips that will help raise your chances of getting through. The higher you score on the test the sooner you’ll get pushed through and with the help of a few of the D.I.P.T employees I’ve met I’ll tell you the best boxes to check and the keywords to ignore.

Tip 1: On the test make sure that you take it as though you are open to relationships with ponies. This is because it will raise you extremely high on the list. Most humans are xenophobic when it comes to Equestrians or any creature from Equus for that matter. As you might know, the male to female ratio in Equestria is extremely unbalanced with females overtaking males a whopping 30 to 1. Here’s why this will raise your priority level.

“Yes. Anyone who checks the box stating that they are interested in having relationships with mares are almost always raised as high as possible. Little known secret, while Princess Luna focused on what person-pony relations could do to enhance the more material and industrial side of Equestria, Princess Celestia focused on the more social aspects of the interplanetary relations. Number one on her list was the potential of stabilizing the mare to stallion ratio……..Oh most definitely! If someone marks that they are open to sexual intimacy with a mare they are immediately moved to the top of the list and are usually put through the same day. Celestia made it clear that she didn’t want a mass influx of stallions unless a good majority of them are willing to have intimate relationships with a pony………....Right again, if someone puts that they are not interested in any kind of relationships with ponies they are usually put lower. I know for a fact one poor stallion has been waiting for more than three months to get through because in the open answer section he wrote that he was not open to a pony relationship at all. The only time someone can get through in a timely fashion but still mark that they’re uninterested in pony relationships is if they’re a scholar. Anything else and they’re at the bottom of the list….....….Uh-huh. We rarely let in full families, married stallions, or open homosexuals for this reason. It’s nothing personal of course! We don’t do it to be rude and mares are free to date mares here in Equestria! Can you uh...cut that last part out?”

-Interview of Lt. Plum Paper, head of immigrant denial and acceptance at the Manehattan D.I.P.T

As you can see, it’ll be greatly in your favor to take the test as though you are open to a relationship with ponies. This doesn’t mean you should just blatantly lie about yourself but if you are so inclined it will help your chances, and note, no person has ever been restricted from entering Equestria just because they weren’t open to a pony relationship and most likely, you’ll get through within the month. But while we’re on the subject of restrictions,

“Who do we restrict access to? Well convicted criminals are number one. We’ll accept a max of two felonies but if you have committed a crime, you’re chances of getting into Equestria are zero unless you are given a pardon by either a human government that is recognized as an Equestrian ally or from one of the princesses……...Keywords we look for? Well a major phrase that we’ll look for in the Esfit open answer section is “interested in pony sex” or “interested in ponies.” We really don’t want any love crazed humans, well...raping our citizens so if this phrase or something similar to it is put on an Esfit we usually freeze their name on the entry list until we can investigate further. Usually we’ll just send a mare in and monitor her while she does the physical and that tends to reveal whether or not the stallion likes ponies or is obsessed with them. For instance, whether they get nervous or not, how long they stare, whether or not they overstep boundaries and other things as well…………..Yes, totally. We have a reverse of this as well. One thing that will restrict somepony access for a few years is lying. If you put that you’re open to mares but then shrivel away during the physical we’ll investigate further on that individual. I’m a little ashamed to say it but these investigations are the more fun ones to watch. For example, we may have the individual in the waiting room and we’ll have a ‘random’ mare come in and start hitting on them. The main test is how the individual acts when the mare kisses them. It’s the most funny thing to see a human try and fake like they’re enjoying something and then hurriedly rubbing the area that the mare kissed them in once she leaves! Ha! I’ll never understand that about humans. Other than that, not too many other people get restricted. Sure, if somepony starts a fight at the D.I.P.T or is on a watch list but really, most people get through. Trust me, it’s never worth it to lie about your sexuality in hopes of getting through quicker, we’ll probably find out and instead of getting to Equestria in a month, you’ll have to wait at least three years……...It was an absolute pleasure talking to you. Come back whenever you want.”

Interview of Ms. P, director of Interplanetary Intelligence, travel division.

Like I said, while marking that you’re interested in pony relationships is good and will quicken your time at the D.I.P.T, lying or going too far may get you restricted from Equestria. Onto the next step.

Tip 2: Be male.
I’m sure you know by now why it helps to be male so I’ll skip explanation for this step.

Tip 3: Brag your skills.
If you have any skills you think will raise your acceptability write them down or be sure to mention them. Equestria doesn’t want anyone who isn’t going to be helpful to their society so be sure to mention as many skills as possible. Being vague might help as well. If you can make pancakes then you’re good at cooking, if you have gone swimming or played dodge ball you’re an athlete, if you have a high school diploma then you’ve had a higher education.

Tip 4: Say that you plan to stay longer than a year.
If you aren’t then don’t lie because they’ll review your Esfit when you come back to shorten your pending time if you ever want to visit again. If you said you were going to stay longer than a year but are leaving after only six months then you’ll be labeled a liar by the Equestrian travel administration and you’ll be much less of a priority to push through if you want to visit again. But, if you are going to stay nearly a year or more don’t be afraid to say it. Equestria wants people who are going to add and invest in their society, a bunch of three day long visits or weekend getaways aren’t really going to do that so if you want through quickly then mention this.

Tip 5: Be a humbrid. I’m pretty sure most of you have no clue what this is but just know that humbrids are guaranteed immediate access into Equestria 99% of the time. Humbrids will be explained in the next section as there is a lot to cover.

Now you know the best ways to get into Equestria and what to expect about the process. I recommend bringing a lunch because the lines are long and the pending can be hours. No worries though, if you’re so low on the list that it’ll be more than a day they will inform you so be on the lookout for a pony or human looking for you. You do not want to be sitting there when you could either be at home or in Equestria. It goes without saying that you will see ponies working at the D.I.P.T as well as ponies coming to Earth probably for the first time. So, be nice to them and make their first experiences on Earth good ones. Believe me, they definitely do the same for you. Oh and as a tip from me to you, most ponies working at the D.I.P.T are there to meet humans so if you want to pass the time, strike up a conversation with a pony who’s on break. Good luck at the D.I.P.T!

Fun Fact: Ponies never invented air conditioning, most of the time to keep their houses cool or warm they’ll either use a central fireplace or hire a unicorn to charm their house. This method goes back centuries and ponies have no plans of changing. You could say their houses are charmingly comfortable.