Discovered Chapter 1
By BruhLookit
Today was the day that Celestia’s routine inspection of the CSSD, Canterlot Special Sciences Division. Her evening had been quite pleasant to say the least, and there was no reason for her day to sour now.
As the Princess strode through the many halls of her castle, a labyrinth to most ponies, she navigated each and every turn with complete ease. As she rounded the next corner, her eyes landed on the head of the CSSD, a stallion unicorn named Bunsen Burner. His coat was a brilliant orange, and his mane flashed a vibrant red.
“Good evening, Your Highness!” Bunsen said as he quickly bowed to the Princess of the Sun. Princess Celestia let out a silent giggle before standing in front of her subject.
“Rise, my little pony,” Celestia said, gesturing with a hoof. She looked down at the stallion as he recomposed himself. “I hope everything in the special sciences division is going well?” Celestia asked, a tiny smile growing on her face. Bunsen Burner’s face lit up with excitement as he quickly turned to look behind him.
“Yes, Princess! We've been doing extensive research on several different types of magic that we haven't even begun to categorize on the Thaumic Scale!” Burner said with a toothy smile. However, Bunsen’s face quickly screwed into one of confusion, before he looked to the Princess once more. “We’ve also discovered a new species of animal native to the Everfree,” the science pony explained.
Celestia looks down at the unicorn with a frown. “And what seems to be troubling you?” she asked, taking a motherly tone.
Bunsen Burner looked to Celestia, adorning a serious face. “You see, Princess, this creature is like nothing we’ve encountered before. It seems to be somewhat intelligent, but responds with violence whenever it’s approached by any of our researchers. Also, this creature seems to have an inherent immunity to magic, which makes taking bio samples extremely difficult,” Bunsen said as the two ponies begin walking down the brightly illuminated corridor.
Celestia’s brow furrowed as she looked down to Bunsen. “And what do we know about this new species?” she asked with concern.
Bunsen let out a heavy sigh before looking to the Princess, a defeated look on his face. “To be honest Princess, the only knowledge we possess on the creature is what we can observe. It stands at about eighteen hooves tall, has four limbs with smaller appendages attached to each end, and is mostly hairless. It has several distinct facial features that one would see on a pony: Eyes, Nose, Eyelashes, and Mouth, though that's all we can currently identify. Its diet seems to consist of just about anything; It's eaten almost everything we've given it, and its teeth seem to indicate that it's capable of consuming animal protein. It's forward-set eyes suggest this species is predatory in nature.”
Celestia gave the pony a serious look. “When was this...creature...found?” Celestia asked, her mind racing with questions. Bunsen looked to her with a smile as they passed a room with a faint buzzing resounding from it.
“It was found around five days ago,” he responded.
Before Celestia could ask any more questions, they had already arrived at their destination.
Celestia looked at the door, uncertainty playing at her mind. “I assume this is the room with the creature in it?”
Bunsen looked to the door, giving a nod. “I presumed that this was where you would want to go first, before I show you any of our more complicated research,” Bunsen said, a small blush of embarrassment on his face.
Celestia chuckled, sliding the door open with her magic. “It's alright, Bunsen,” she said, a new smile gracing her face. As Celestia walked into the laboratory, her eyes instantly locked on a plexiglass box on the far side of the room. Inside of this plexiglass box were two more boxes with shapes carved out of the side, and a variety of different shapes that matched the carved sections of the box scattered about. More notably, there was a pink form, curled into a ball, lying in the corner of the box.
Bunsen Burner stopped next to Celestia before looking at the creature in the box. “It sleeps most of the day, as you can see,” he said as he fished his glasses from their resting place atop his head.
Celestia stared at the bundled up creature in the corner, curiosity in her eyes. “And you say you found this creature near the Everfree?” Celestia asked, getting closer to the plexiglass cage.
Bunsen responded from behind the Princess, “Yes, Your Highness, near the village of Ponyville.” The excitement was almost leaking from his voice.
Celestia walked nearer to the glass container, stopping mere inches from it. “I feel like I've seen you before…” Celestia whispered, trying to recall the beast.
Before Celestia could ask any more questions, the creature slowly roused from its sleep. As it slowly stood to its hind legs, it let out a long yawn.
“GGuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh,” it bellowed, stretching its arms and limbs. As the being relaxed itself, it locked eyes with Celestia. “You're new,” it said, raising an eyebrow. In reaction, both of Celestia’s eyebrows flew skyward in surprise. Her gaze quickly turned from the creature, to Bunsen Burner, and back to the creature. “I wasn’t aware that this creature could speak,” Celestia stated, now looking to Bunsen Burner, whose expression matched that of a wall socket.
“I don't understand what you mean, Your Highness. Any form of communication this creature could possibly have would simply be low grunts and moans,” he said, frowning at the Princess.
Celestia looked at the creature, her brow raised. “I am Princess Celestia, Monarch to the Nation of Equestria. Who are you?” she asks, a serious tone in her voice. The animal’s eyes seemed to pop out of its head as he heard her speak. “Holy shit, you understand me?” it said with surprise.
Celestia gave a quick nod. “Yes, I can.”
“Ho-Holy shit, finally!” he shouted, jumping in the air with excitement. For some reason the biped quickly covered its center and took a seat on the ground. “This is awesome! I mean, you're a talking horse, so I don't trust you, but I'm glad I can finally get through to someone!” he exclaims as he pumps his left arm in the air a few times.
Celestia reeled back in offense. ‘Horses? This creature doesn't seem to know what species we are.’ She looked down to the being. “I am not a horse. I’m a pony!” she says with a huff. The animal looked up to her, an eyebrow raised, but his expression quickly disappeared. “Yeah, and I'm Elli,” he said, crossing his arms.
Celestia turned to see a very confused-looking Bunsen Burner. He fumbled a bit, as papers and quills around him scribbled down anything he was observing. “P-P-Princess, can you understand the creature?” he asked.
Celestia’s focus shifted to the creature, then back to Bunsen. “Yes, I seem to be able to understand it.” Her brow furrowed. “It also seems to be sentient,” she whispers to him.
The creature pounded its fist on the glass, remaining seated on the floor. Just from looking at its face, she could tell it was terrified. “Please don't leave, you’re the only person around here who understands me,” it said, it’s claw like appendage sliding down the glass.
Celestia turned back to Bunsen, a serious look on her face once more. “And release it from confinement; I’ll be personally overseeing it from now on.” Bunsen's expression erupted with surprise.
“Y-y-your highness! Are you absolutely sure? Think of the scientific research we can gather from whatever sort of connection you have with this creature! Think of what we could understand just from its unique physiology!” Bunsen blurted out, his notes flying into a neat pile on his back. Celestia raises an eyebrow and frowns at Bunsen.
She quickly pointed a hoof at the creature. “That is a living, thinking, feeling being. The only thing we will gain from containing it in these conditions is a brief lesson why we should not confine those who do not deserve it,” Celestia said with a stern motherly tone.
In the back of the room, she could hear Elli yell in joy. “Ha-ha, I don't understand what the ugly one said, but you go, Princess Solosia!” he shouted with joy as the back of his hand slams into the glass, his middle claw only standing.
You got the makings of something good. Keep it up!
Looks good.
Only thing thing that I noticed was "Celestias gaze quickly..."
When I read that I started thinking that it was Principal Celestia, as in more than one Celestia, and I even went to check the tags and see if Equestria Girls was taged.
It should be "Celestia's gaze quickly..."
The pacing is too fast for my taste. It doesn't give enough time to let the reader digest the things happening. All touch and go. But the biggest flaw here is your paragraph composition. You have a lot dialog of 2 characters in the same paragraph, and those are big mistakes if you want any sort of immersion in your story.
It's a little rushed through, plus a lot of little mistakes like you keep forgetting to capitalize "I" most of the time, plus only one person talks in a paragraph not sure if that was a mistake or an editing one when posting this up here as this site can be tricky with the spacing. It doesn't really make any sense why she would be the only one to understand him though.
Good heavens, capitalize the I's.
Need to work on your apostrophes and a few other errors, but so far so good. I'll admit, I'm intrigued, keep it up.
It's Sapient, God damn it!
Many creature can be satient but only human and the likes can be sapient!
Celestia isn't hard to pronounce.
Or even if somehow the "translation" came out somewhat different, Solaria or Solaris fits better. Or even Caelestis in Latin. Meaning heavenly, sun, god, sky...
i
I
Other than that, this is pretty good.
Of course he's sentient. All animals are sentient. The surprise here is that he's sapient.
This would benefit from a proofread. It feels like every second or third sentence has an error.
...that Celestia'a inspection...what? That's not a complete sentence. Your phrasing implies that there should be more words after "Sciences Division," yet the sentence simply ends. Assuming you weren't trying to say something entirely else, the simplest fix is to replace "'day that" with "day of."
Also the "which stood for" phrasing is awkward. try:
"Celestia’s routine inspection of the CSSD, the Canterlot Special Sciences Division."
You've established past tense. And yet:
...then you switch to present tense. Stick to one or the other.
Punctuation.
All of these are incorrect. Here's a guide for using capitlization and punctuation with spoken quotes.
Of this creature, not on.
Why are you capitalizing?
1) What part of its diet consists of things they're not feeding it? Your phrasing goes out of its way to imply that it definitely is eating things they're not feeding it.
2) How exactly do you "eat meat for hunting?" Yes, you might hunt for meat. You might hunt meat. You might eat the meat you've hunted. But you wouldn't "eat meat" as a means of hunting. That doesn't make sense.
It was found not would found.
Another time tense shift.
"I" should be capitalized.
There are so many problems with this sentence I'm not even going to list them all.
Line spacing inconsistent with the rest of the story.
Is it a box or a cage? Make up your mind.
That to should be on. If you want to use to in this sentence, it would be:
"As it slowly came to its hind legs"
This is, admittedly, a case where English is a little weird. You "come to your feet" and you "stand on your legs." You wouldn't "stand to your feet" or "come on your legs." Also, notably, the speaker in the case doesn't have feet, so I realize you're trying to accommodate the sort of phrasing that would come naturally to them. So "stood on its legs" is an reasonable way of conveying that, even if it's not something a human speaker would say. Even so, it should be "stood on" not "stood to."
Once again, you're shifting time tense.
That should be either "an eyebrow raised" or "with a raised eyebrow." Not "a raised eyebrow."
Again, "I" should be capitalized. Also, there should be a period after "nods."
"I" and "I'm" should be capitalized. In case you're wondering, no, "me" should generally not be capitalized. English is a little weird on this point.
There are a couple errors in this, but I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to do, so it's difficult to offer a correction. if his name is "Elli" then there should be one period, not two. If "Elli" is only part of his name and he's stopping halfway through the word, that should be a dash, not a period, and "he" should be lower case.
Either way, "I'm" should be capitalized.
Possessive apostrophe: Celestia's
Capitalize the "I."
Yet more time tense shifts.
1) In this specific case, that should be "still-sitting" not "still sitting." Yes, there are situations where "still sitting" would be correct. This isn't one of them.
2) position. Just
claw-like
I'm not going to lecture you on en dash vs em dash. That's a convention that pre-dates computers, and personally I find a hyphen to be acceptable. Though some of my writer acquaintances might disagree.
Either way, some of those uses of a dash are either incorrectly spaced, or would be better replaced with a period.
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Damn bro, i wish id seen this comment earlier!
Thanks for the input, I appreciate every word and I've taken it all into consideration!
This is good.
never understood why ponies would get mad about being called a horse since pony is a subspecies of horse so being called a horse not totally inaccurate, plus horses canonically exist in mlp such as saddle Arabia