- Member Since 30th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Last Thursday
Aguion12 - GotA
A weird as shit brazilian and his cast of OCs. That can't go wrong in any way whatsoever.
Aguion12 - GotA
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Where do I begin? First, get. An, Editor! I know this was translated so you probably aren't perfect with English, but get someone who is so they can correct the errors. I can't point out one because there were so many. Now on to the story, the edge is real! The characters constantly swearing, the naming of the weapons, brutal guards, again there's so much more. Plus your world is constantly changing, you need to feed us ONLY nessary information not any filler. Even if all the information is necessary it's way too much to take in at once. The world is suffering from the same problem as Homestuck's. Far too much to take in and it just keeps adding on more. Also why is the main character the narrator? Not that they can't be but it destroys the pacing. Maybe make it so that they're recalling what happened? Oh yeah the pacing. It's way too fast or way too slow and can't decide what speed it wants to be. I'm not trying to be mean but please take what I said into consideration. There are probably many more flaws that I didn't notice.
7198012 Yup, I knew I fucked up somewhere. Ok, let's see.
>Yeah, you're right, I'm from Brazil, so english is my second language. I figured most of it on my on, but it isn't perfect.
It's better than a lot of others than put their fics here, tho.>I did that on purpose, it's a seventeen year old girl trying to resume her country's history! She just want to get over with it and go to the action. The pacing was for the same reason.
>This is a first person fic, my intention was Fairy writing a book or something about her life on Equestria, but I failed, and badly. I'll try to fix that.
7198082 Okay that makes sense. Also thank you for being calm about this. Most people would yell at me for a comment like that.
7198094 Hah! If I ever rage about a comment like that I'll kick myself on the balls. You're trying to help, nothing wrong with that. Hell, if a professional do a review about my story, your comment will look like a pat on the back.
Another two things I messed up: I forgot Midnight's desription, and I put the fic on present tense when it should be past tense.
I'll edit the chapter and try to make this a little better.
7198529 Okay thank you. Still if you can an editor would really help.
Sorry for taking a while. Anyway, starting off, I'm going to just ignore anything related to grammar, seeing as you addressed that when I replied in the thread.
For starters, I have to address your characters. First off, in original mythology, griffon and horse hybrids were the equivalent of flying pigs because horses and griffons were mortal enemies. Bit of fun lore I thought I'd throw out there. But I don't really like your main character. I really don't. For starters, there are a variety of characteristics that feel like they were just included 'to be cool'. A prime example is the different eye colors, the outfit, all of it. I know you made a jab at anime characters, but that's what Fairy feels like. The weapons, the whole twin-sisters who are monster hunters, the fact that they're called 'psycho sisters', etc. There's very little explanation for their backstories, and it feels like bad wish fulfillment on many levels. Also, why is her sister a vampire? Again, it feels like it was just there to be cool.
Second, this again involves the whole backstory thing. The first chapter flows far too fast for what you're trying to do. Instead of being drawn in, due to the lack of backstory and whatnot, I'm just left scratching my head. In MLP, hybrids are nigh-nonexistent. I need a good backstory to be able to understand why there's a whole nation of them that's existed for ages, without anyone ever mentioning them. Due to the fact that this chapter is two thousand words, we have way too many plots elements in that space. We have them arriving back from a mission (with an out-of-the-blue merde, I might add), their elders or whatever giving them their weapons, and them going to Equestria. With barely any backstory. I see no reason for all the stuff that's going on here, as you've yet to explain the reasons for the crazy stuff going on.
Finally, I have to address power levels. As I already said about hybrids, they're seemingly nonexistent in MLP. With all of their traveling, hosting dignitaries, and whatnot in recent seasons, you'd think that creatures of this power or build would show up every now and again. Second, the characters have insane powers, from what I've gathered. The Elements need a magic box to take down a magic stealing centaur. These two take them down on their own. It already feels like they overshadow canon characters, seeing as what they're supposedly doing. I feel like these characters would more easily fit in an RPG campaign as opposed to a story where power levels like this are insanely rare.
So far, not impressed.
One final thing to add: what is up with your outfit choice? Why on earth would someone go to fight monsters in nothing but jeans and a bikini? It feels like you only gave her that outfit so that she'd look hot. Again, reinforcing my opinions of wish fulfillment.
7275333 Well, let's see...
-> Putting things just to be cool: Yeah, no. She has different eye colors, yes, but her pink eye is glowing pink. That's magic, my good sir. It has an explanation, but for now I'll just say it involves her mark, a mortally wounded thestral, and one manticore.
-> Looking like an anime character: I see your point. While it wasn't intentional, it's not exactly a super bad thing.
-> Lack of backstories (including Scar's vampirism): Did on puspose, I tried to put their whole backstories on the first chapter and it felt so rushed, Usain Bolt got envious. So I just put little things here and there that they will address later.
-> OPness: Did on purpose... kinda? You're looking only at their magical strength, but you're forgetting her fisical strength and resistance, trust me, she's strong but not OP. Also, every being that goes from one dimension to another needs time to recover their full strenght, Tirek spent days to recover his, and the Lord came from hell/tartarus, so he wasn't on his full strength, not by a long shot. If he was, Fairy and Scarlett would be pretty much fucked. Also also, they spent their whole lives training and mastering their habilities, and Fairy got a magical boost from her father's spell, that would make anyone strong.
-> Looking like a RPG char: Well, you're not wrong. Fairy is a gamer and she acknowledges that, she'll even make some jokes with it in the future.
-> Clothes: I'm putting that on the new chapter, actually. But it's basically so the clothes won't get on the way, and they can harden their auras to make a small body armor, it won't stop a strong attack, but a punch will hurt a lot less, it's mentioned later.
I guess that's it, i hope you didn't give up on the fic just because of its first chapter. This is my first fic, it was obvious it wouldn't be a masterpiece, but I'm trying to make it at least enjoyable.
7277662
Here's my biggest issue. I have no problem with a character having great power. But your character has so many things compounded on top of each other that there's no room for anything else. Plus they feel like they're just there for contrived conflict.
It actually can be a pretty bad thing. They feel so out of place in the world of Equestria with the backstories and powers and looks that you've given them, that I actually think it'd make more sense if they starred in some ridiculous anime.
Or... work on slowing the pacing down. Work on little explanations for backstory, give better explanations for everything, while working on advancing your plot. I don't need a bloody essay to understand a character. But I need a basic idea of their personality and backstory for me to actually enjoy reading about them to any extent.
You've got way too much going on at once. Let me put it this way. I'll go write a story where the main character is an OC witcher, with supreme reflexes and years more of experience on Geralt of Rivia. Why the hell would anyone read that? My character, even if he loses some of his powers, has already exceeded the power of the best of the best, has practically nothing to improve upon, and makes everyone else look like wimps. Nobody in their right mind would read that, because it's not interesting.
Mocking a prevalent problem doesn't magically make it go away. Your characters can poke fun at it all they want, but it feels like they're too close to RPG characters, which as I already said, isn't good. RPG characters are (usually) meant to be the best around, so that one playing them can feel like they're unstoppable. Your heroes are at that point already, at least in their dimension, and there's nothing for them to improve upon.
They officially sound like Erza from Fairy Tail. That's not a good thing in any way, shape or form.
Unfortunately, I'm really unimpressed so far. I'm really tempted to just stop reading here, because I believe it'll only go downhill from here.
Nice chapter, enjoyable jokes. Hope there are more. Also hope the fight's gonna be good.
7445974 I'm happy you're liking it! Though I think Fairy is a bit happier than I am...
*sounds of fireworks and Fairy singing hallelujah a commentary*
...Anyways, I seriously thought I messed up with the jokes, and the battle will be interesting to write. Now that my school is in recess, I have enough time to write the story and play. Until the next chapter!
7280311 I think you brought up some really good points and ideas for how the story could improve. Only thing that confuses me is this: They officially sound like Erza from Fairy Tail. That's not a good thing in any way, shape or form. Why is that bad? Is it because it's unorignal? Or because Erza is a bad character? I'd really like to know.
I saw dat thx for calling meh awesome
i am a hybrid after all
7496289 We hybrids have to stick together!
7496434
YUS!
Alright, you've got potential. Listen, I know I'm a hypocrite for saying this since Shanghai'd has major pacing issues in the beginning, but you need to fix your pacing. I get that you wanted to get right into the action, but even in a story like this, you need exposition. I had that issue too when I started. Let the reader breathe a bit before tossing them in; set a scene. And I get that you're poking fun at yourself when you're talking about kunai's and naming weapons, but the way you presented the joke just felt too forced-- like a laugh track in a sitcom. You need to slow down and take some time to explain yourself. What is this hybrid nation all about? Why didn't anyone in Equestria know about it? Personally, if this story is as fast paced as it appears to be, you need to start explaining after you get through the first scenes. You can't just toss lore at me willy-nilly, I need time to see the environment around Fairy from her eyes.
And speaking of Fairy; based on her bio you sent me, I don't think she's the kind of character I can relate to or like. She just seems like... well... she seems a little like a character someone and a few of his pals would make at a lunch table; just hear me out. Your character doesn't suffer from a Mary Sue in terms of character, but she suffers this in terms of POWER. God is she op. Not in the sense that she has power like Saitama, don't get me wrong. But, you see, Fairy suffers from Superman Pre-87 Syndrome.
f.tqn.com/y/superman/1/S/5/4/-/-/Superman_Red_Blue_001.jpg
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11114/111140363/3578856-4719471879-34584.jpg
Back before Superman was retconned and rebuilt in 1987, he basically made up powers on the fly. Now, I know Fairy can't do that exactly, but when you've got a power that can seamlessly replicate anyone of her kin's abilities, you may as well just make up new powers on the spot. You need to develop a plausible set of abilities. If you like the copycat idea, then just stick with that. There's no need to throw other powers into the mix; then there's no challenge. Hell, if you were to keep her powers the way they are, give Fairy a major psychological issue, like The Sentry from Marvel. Here, check the "Former Weaknesses" at the bottom of the page: http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Robert_Reynolds_(Earth-616)
Sorry if I was a little late to this. And sorry if I'm a little harsh. I really think this story has the potential to be good, but you just need a little more time to stew on your thoughts and organize them into a properly sorted document.
7554708 *whistle* Finally, eh? Well, let's see...
- Pacing: Well... Yeah, I know this story has a bit of a problem here. You see, the first time I wrote this, I tried to explain everything I put there. It was really rushed, as I said on my reply to Bark Tree's commentary. In order to make the pacing acceptable, I had to let a lot of things for later chapters, and there's still a lot that I couldn't find a way to put on the story yet.
- Jokes: They're shit. Simple as that. I try to make them enjoyable, but my best humor scenes are when a character reacts to a joke, like on the chapter "Oh, Fuck My Life...".
- Fairy: I get what you mean. From outside, Fairy looks like an overpowered character that will win every fight she's into. But surprise! You couldn't be any more wrong! She's strong? Yes. OP? Hell no.
She's an Agi-based assassin that fights by evading the enemy's attacks and returning the favor from a distance. Even if you outnumbers her, if you and your allies can't be fast enough to hit her, she'll have a big chance of winning, like on the chapter "Roll a Dexterity Check. Natural Twenty.".
But she has her weaknesses too. Her physical strenght is shit, she always try to use the scenery around her in her favor. And her resistance is even more shittier; Apple Bloom's punch is way stronger than Fairy's, and a wet tissue resist an attack better than Fairy. The moment she meets someone who can tank her attack or know how to counter her agility, she will lose. And trust me, this moment is getting near.
About her passive, yes it's a bit op in the hand of a Mag-based fighter, but not on Fairy. She may know a lot of spells, but most of them has a low cost, and because of that her "mana pool", her quantity of energy she can spend on the spells, is really low. Remember what's the passive's downside?
All the spells she copies has the cost doubled.
If she uses a spell that already has a big cost, like the Magnectic Storm, she's practically out of mana and won't be able to use any other spells. Not only that, but she can't control when she'll copy a new spell or even which spell it'll be. in seventeen years, she only copied six spells, and only three of them can be used in battle. Two of those need certain conditions to be effective and the other is relatively weak.
This commentary probably didn't change your opinion, but trust me when I say she's everything but OP.
And no need to be sorry, criticism is always appreciated as long is more than angry words of hate. You had a reason to say what you said and unlike Fairy I can tank a few blows.
7555642
Glad you didn't spill your salt. Typically, when I give criticism to stories I'm met with:
"MY OC IZ BEST EVURR!!!! SHE'S WAY BETTER THAN YUR SHITTY OC!!!!!"
It's hard to find someone who can take a hit on this site. I commend you for your rationality.
7555718 Like I said to Bark, if I ever rage about a critic that isn't just angry words, I'll kick myself on the balls.
You're just trying to help.
7470674 It's one specific instance. Long story short, my brother enjoyed the show and tried to make me watch it. In one scene, a character was entangling Erza with her own clothes, and Erza just pulled some random ability to manipulate the matter, makeup and overall flexibility of her armor, allowing her to instantly make the fight against said character pointless, even though not indication of that power has been heavily touched upon to this point. By the same logic, the characters' abilities to manipulate their armor and weaponry makes no sense and has not been given significant enough explanation, hence why I criticized it for being like Erza. Sorry for the late reply, been busy lately.
What's a Hybrios?
7773620 Did you even read the first chapter, bro?
It's the country the Elemental Guardians are from. The one with Pyria and Animallos.
Ok, to be fair, since august I only posted three chapters.
7277662 Hey, I have an answer to your question:
The answer is simple. You typed 400 words.
I'm surprised that Rainbow and Pinkie didn't burst out laughing at Scarlet's goof.