Luna gave me a blank stare. I could feel her muscles tense up involuntarily. Whatever she was expecting me to say, it wasn't “yeah, sure, I'll toss away everything I ever knew and loved (except an obsession with a children's show nobody else knows about, including my significant other!)” Luna's eyes went wide. “Really?” She regarded me quizzically, as if she hadn't actually expected me to agree that quickly. In one fluid motion, she flipped off of my lap and landed on the floor with reflexes that seemed more catlike than anything else. “Thee… Thee will come with us?” No turning back now. I nodded. Before I could respond further, she tackled me, squealing like a little girl. I could see her tearing up again, but this time, it wasn’t out of sadness. “You're coming back.You're coming back to me. Moonbeam.”
I had prepared for a lot of different circumstances and possibilities in my life. Having to explain that I was going to disappear without a trace in order to live with a talking unicorn who claimed to be my long lost mother, to my biological mother, was not one of them. Just when you think you've covered all based… That left me with just a few minutes to figure out how to break the news to my loved ones without sounding like I'd finally lost it. I walked over to my computer and pulled it out of sleep mode, causing Luna to jump. For a moment, I expected her to ask what the computer was, but she backed away from me, seemingly biting down on her tongue. She had been keeping an odd distance since I'd accepted her offer. Doing my best to put it out of my mind, I pulled up Word and quickly typed up an explanation which would hopefully prevent my face from appearing on a milk carton:
I've just received an excellent offer, which will likely cover me for the rest of my lif-
(Insert info dump here)
. I have chosen to accept it, and I'll have left by the time you read this. I'm not sure if I'll be back or not, or write again, but I'm going where I want to be.
-Chris
Hardly perfect, but it was going to have to do. I briefly considered sending something less vague to Sara, but ultimately decided against it. I didn't realize it until much later, but this was my way of breaking up. Probably for the best, all things considered. Long distance relationships are hard enough between states, I'd rather not try to keep something up between dimensions. Besides, she could never stand my obsession with MLP.
I spun around in my chair, putting me almost nose to nose with Luna. While I'd been writing, she had quietly walked up to my computer and read over my shoulder. When I turned around to face her, she suddenly became very interested in a particular spot of carpet directly beneath her hooves. I could see why. Albeit unintentionally, her arrival forced me to choose between her and my human existence. I know I made it in stride, but that isn't a choice I would force on anyone. By going with her, I was throwing away the last seventeen years of my life. Even if I reunited her family, it would destroy mine.
“Luna?” I called out to her. She looked back at me with a soulful gaze that would rival Fluttershy, as if half-expecting me to say I'd changed my mind about leaving. I tried to put on a reassuring smile. “How long will it take you to get that transformation spell ready?”
I guess I still could have said no. Luna could have erased my memory, left without a trace, and I would never have known otherwise. Luna would have, though. Moreover, this wasn't an unwelcome concept to me. My life just turned into the opening of an HiE fic, I'd never forgive myself if I let an opportunity like that pass me by.
If Luna had any doubts about me coming with her earlier, they were long gone now. I swear I saw a hint of a smug grin cross her face. “About as long as it'll take you to take off your clothes.” Okay. It was more than a hint.
Luna swears I made a sound that vaguely resembled an elephant sneezing. All I know is that it must have been pretty funny, because Luna actually laughed, before abruptly cutting off. That was easily the most human thing I'd seen her do since she showed up, but even that was fairly equine. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't figure out where I'd heard it before. It wasn't obviously a whinny or anything like that, and I can't remember Luna laughing in the show. That was going to bug me for a while.
“So… Just to clarify, this is permanent, right?” I broke the silence, partly because I'd had enough awkward staring for the night. Partly because I wanted information. Had Luna not effectively guilt tripped me into coming with her oh, don't give me that face, we both know it's true.
Sorry, got distracted. Had Luna not effectively guilt tripped me into coming with her, I would have asked for this information long before... well, probably saying yes anyway. Obviously, I related to Twilight Sparkle the most out of the Mane 6. My world may have just been turned inside out, but I still wasn't making an uninformed decision!
“More or less.” Came the reply. “Humans are… odd, concerning magic. It just sort of passes around you, like it can't… see you, I guess would be the word. I'm sure you noticed you couldn't see anything when I used my magic, but I see a glowing field around what I focus on. To get you functioning like a normal pony, I'll have to add in a lot of magical safeguards, or your body would reject the magical energy needed to get us both to Equestria, which would probably kill you. The safeguards also have the side effect of locking you in the pony form, unless an extremely powerful magician wants very much to get them off.”
“A powerful magician… Like… You?” I don't think she was expecting me to understand most of that explanation. Luna shrugged her forehooves and begrudgingly muttered an “I suppose.”
“And I'm guessing you don't want to remove them.” I knew I was pushing her, but can you blame me? “I-If it's any consolation, thee will probably live longer and learn magic more easily than thee would otherwise,” she stammered, not making eye contact with me. That's a “no.” At least I found out early on, as opposed to learning later, once it's too late to do anything and getting upset with Luna about it because of some stupid rebellious teenager trope.
I decided to drop the subject for the time being. We could come back to that later. Next question. “Once I come with you, could I come back to Earth?”
“You mean, as a pony? That would be simple enough. Provided you don't mind nopony recognizing you as human. Tell me, do human leaders still worship the abnormal as divine, or just kill anything that doesn't fit their established worldview?” That was a little more curt than I was expecting. Of course, she was right, and I knew it. Probably because it's the only sentient race on Earth, the human race is pretty xenophobic, no matter how much we? they? try otherwise. A talking unicorn appearing in the home of anyone but a typical brony would probably lead to them having an extended stay at some top secret facility at best and being shot by a trigger happy police officer at worst. I'm beginning to see why Luna didn't want me calling for “help.”
Luna was pawing the ground, trying and failing not to be forceful. “Ready?” she asked, her voice dripping with poorly hidden anticipation.
My mind was going in a thousand different directions. I could feel my heart beating inside my chest. Still, I nodded. I must have looked pretty nervous, because Luna, who had never seen a human other than me, picked up on it. She nuzzled a fist I didn't realize I had clenched with her nose. “It’... It'll be all right,” she muttered between strokes, probably as much for her benefit as mine. I couldn't decide whether to think of her as a very friendly, sapient dog or a life coach. A canine life coach. That's an odd comparison, but probably the most accurate. No point in delaying the change any further. For the second and probably last time, I ran my fingers down Luna's mane. “Ready,” I finally said.
I firmly shut the door to my bedroom. Luna was on the other side of the door, preparing the spell. I hadn't wanted to be in the same room with her for this. Additionally, there was a full length mirror on the door to my closet. I had to see what was going to happen with my own eyes.
As I found out later, Luna had spent quite a bit of time working on this spell to make sure it wouldn't be painful, like most of the transformation magic Equestria has. That's not to say the effect the spell had on me was pleasant. I had never been exposed to any active magic before then. There was suddenly enough inside me to completely change my species. The result was my body reacting to the large amount of magic somewhat like it would have reacted to large amounts of electricity. In other words, I got electrocuted. It wasn't exactly painful, per se, but if you ever stuck your finger in a power outlet, you should have a pretty good idea of what I was feeling all over my body.
I don't remember falling down, or even blinking, but when I opened my eyes, I was lying down in front of the mirror. I still looked the same, though. That was going to change. Very, very fast. The first thing I saw was my hair, which darkened like a shadow passed over it, causing it to change from brown to a deep purplish blue. Of all the things that were going on, that was the most surreal, simply because I couldn't feel anything happen. I could a few seconds later, when my hair began growing with supernatural speed. My hair grows pretty fast naturally, but this was impossible. It grew a foot longer in less than a minute. I had to brush bangs that I didn't have ten seconds earlier out of my peripheral vision. That was when things got weird.
The hair just felt itchy when it grew, but everything from there was a bit more intense. My feet went numb, a pretty good indication of what was about to happen. I lost sensation in my toes almost immediately, and my knees locked, leaving my legs sprawled out behind me. Looking in the mirror, I watched as my toes disappeared with a weird sucking feeling as they retracted into my feet. There was a feeling like pins and needles as thin, purple fur began to grow where my toes used to be. It spread up my legs, which began to contract. I couldn't feel them shrink, but there was a noise like my bones were snapping. Luna had to have heard that. I guess she thought that if I was having an issue, there would be a lot more screaming. That was when the numbness hit my, ah, midsection. That was the only part that actually hurt. It took about thirty seconds for, well, let's just say nobody would be calling me a “he” anymore. A growth appeared above the previous change, while the fur - my fur - kept climbing up my body. Thicker, ropey fur sprouted out of my tail. My tail. I had a tail. That drove it home: I was no longer human.
My bones creaked again as my pelvis realigned itself to support a different posture. I was going to be on four legs. That didn't take nearly as much practice as I was afraid it would at the time. After everything from the waist down was done changing, things sped up even more. I watched fur shoot up my torso. I was relatively thin, so nothing visibly changed in terms of shape, but I could definitely feel something underneath the skin. The coffee I’d had earlier sloshed around audibly in my stomach while my vital organs all decided to take a little trip around my belly. Mainly my stomach and mammary glands, I guessed.
Of all the crazy changes that were happening to me at that moment, the loss of opposable thumbs was the one I was looking forward to the least. I cannot, however, say it was unwelcome at the time. I'd been standing on my hands ever since my legs finished changing, and it was getting unpleasant. Hands are great and all, but I don't understand how anyone can support their weight with them for extended periods of time. And because I know you're thinking about it: no, I couldn't do handstands in elementary school, okay? The keratin buffer was welcome at the time, though I was going to miss my hands.
My head was the last major area to change. For a terrifying second, I went completely blind while my eyes readjusted. Looking back at the mirror, I saw my eyes were slightly farther apart, and had changed color. Similar to Luna’s, they were bright blue, but lacked the supernatural glow hers have. My teeth started to get flatter, but not, you know, fall out or anything, which I was half expecting. That would make for a hell of a mystery scene: the clothes the person was wearing, all of their (permanent) teeth, and an incredibly vague letter, with no sign of struggle and nothing else out of place. Wouldn't be out of place in a “great unsolved mysteries” book if you ask me.
As my ears started to travel up my head, my face sort of distended, with the same pins and needles feeling I got from the fur growing, only somehow inside my skull. I could see all of that happen to me, and I can't even begin to describe how off-putting that was. To put it in perspective, I nearly threw up when Sara convinced me to watch Human Centipede. I do not do body horror. I couldn't feel anything happen to my brain, which was probably for the best. Even if she was changing literally every other aspect of me, I would have been pretty pissed if she mind raped me. Assuming I found out. I hope I would have found out…
Almost like an afterthought, there was a sharp zap on my forehead as another bone started growing out of my skull. My horn didn't get nearly as long as Luna's, but it still poked through my bangs by several inches. The final change was also the most subtle: I shrank. Hence the term “My Little Pony. I wasn't pocket-sized or anything, but I probably would have just barely come up to my waist as a human. Even so, I probably lost about half my weight. Don't ask where it went; I just changed my species in about five minutes, this isn't the time for scientific scrutiny! We can come to that later.
There was a knock on my bedroom door, interrupting my little tangent. “Are you done? Should I come in?” Luna's voice traveled through the closed door. I hesitated. I rotated a hoof around. The exterior was hard like a fingernail, but there was a concave surface of soft flesh it encircled. I could probably open a door. I took a step forward, and proceeded to fall on my face with a small oompf. Walking was going to take practice. I'm just glad I didn't fall on my horn. I turned my head toward the door. “Yeah, come in!” I shouted. My voice had changed too. I sounded like… Try to stay with me on this one, I sound like that “cool girlfriend” your one friend had. Remember, the one who always talked like she was trying to get him away from you and with all of her friends’ boyfriends? Yeah, that one. And if you didn't have that friend: I sound like a combination of Twilight and teenage Cadence. The first time I heard it, I nearly jumped back. Talking with a voice that sounds nothing like your old one is more than a little disorienting.
Most of us can't remember a time when we couldn't stand up, and if you can, it was probably because some kind of physical disability. We really do take being able to stand for granted. Once I blinked the wetness out of my eyes, I took my first good look at myself. No wings, I'm glad to say. Honestly, I don't think Equestria would ever be ready for Princess me. As far as I could see in the mirror, I was a pretty normal unicorn. Oxymoronic statement, I know, but it's true. Blue eyes, fur slightly darker than Twilight’s, and a deep, purple-blue mane
and tail. And Celestia, my eyelashes. If I hadn't seen them grow in, I'd swear someone stuck mascara on them.
The doorknob lit up with a blue glow, and Luna walked into the room. Before, we were at eye level, but now she towered over me. I barely came up to her chest. Her eyes focused on me, and her breath caught. “I hadn't seen you since you were a filly. I… I wish I could have been there when you grew up. I am truly sorry.” She seemed ready to burst into tears again.
I never really had to do the “meeting an obscure relative you don't remember and trying to connect” thing, but I can say based off that night there's a lot of awkward staring. I suppose it was for the better that I didn’t revert back to the age I was the last time Luna saw me. I don't want to go through puberty again, and I really don't want to repeat elementary school. This time, I was the one who broke the silence. With a kick of my back legs, I propelled myself towards her. I wrapped my forelegs around her head in embrace. Luna flinched. She still swears she didn't, but I know. After a moment, she pulled her forelegs around me. We stood there for several minutes. As soon as Luna broke off, I promptly fell on my side rather anticlimatically. Luna pushed me back to my feet with her nose, and took a deep breath. She asked me the same question as before:
“Ready?”
This time, I didn't hesitate. “Ready,” I said, filled with determination. Luna didn't waste any time or energy on a response. Her horn glowed so brightly it hurt to look at. As her eyes lit up with a white glow, the floor fell out from under me, and the whole world disintegrated into blue light.
I saw a thing in the description then I faved it xP
I saw a new chapter then I all time faved it.
Not bad, and click tracking.
When is the next update?!
I've read a story with this same concept before but the Luna in your version has handled things so much better good show
I need to ask; did the spell transform the various enzymes and such in his body, making her an herbivore, or does she still possess her former omnivorous diet? Did she keep her superior human endurance, as a fundamental trait from ancestral hyper specializing in pursuit predation? Or has she traded it for the comparatively lackluster equine long-distance endurance? Is she now as oblivious to everything (esp. falsehoods) as everypony else, or is her human cunning intact? There are so many things that could give her an advantage! That's why I like to compare us humans with the Yugoloths of Yith; an observer race, that might swap mind with natives to better understand, and have some context for what they've seen... But make them universal, with Infinite Universe/Everett's Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics as a thing, and you have what could essentially be humanity...
Okay so... I liked it a lot. Very well-written and a unique take on fairly formulaic HiE fiction. My problem is just how easily he made the decision to throw his human life away in favor of a new one in Equestria. Are you telling me a grown man with a loving family, a supportive girlfriend, and decent education prospects would cast that all aside because Luna turned on the waterworks? He asked no questions, he just agreed because he's a brony. I can't wrap my head around how unlikely that is.
Here's a thought: since traveling from Earth to Equestria and back seems to be pretty easy, why not make hi-her long term goal establishing first contact between the two species? If I got the gift of ponies I wouldn't just keep it to myself.
I feel I like this chapter a bit more than the last, the last seemed rushed? It felt a lot like 'here i am so yes or no'.
Is this a writing shortcut you just forgot to take out and complete? Or are you yada-yada'ing your own story? Because if it's the first it'ss an understandable if sloppy mistake in the editing process. If it's the second, then that's pretty terrible storytelling.
I don't know, dude, you didn't seem to have a problem with it. You only took a minute to agree and you didn't even have any explanation beyond "Grab my tail! Let's gooooooooo!"
This story: orig03.deviantart.net/1985/f/2011/210/e/3/grab_princess_celestia_by_stephainestarfire-d4218r7.jpg
7349507
Yes, exactly my problem, I did have to scroll up and check for a dark tag because I can think of no reason for someone with a perfectly good life to say yes so quickly, and with so few questions and no conditions or caveats, besides mind-control/strong mental influence. If he was deeply unhappy or was abused I could see it but he just accepts her story instantly and willingly switches not only species but also genders, he's shown no signs of gender confusion so it makes no sense, if this situation happened to me I would be negotiating the exact terms of the whole thing for hours and then getting Luna to sign the agreement in blood and magic plus leaving a timed message of some sort if in case she's evil as well as demanding some way to communicate back home, he's plainly aware of fanfic's and therefore that there's a good chance she's actually pure evil or even literally the Devil (the multiverse is a big place) and he's just signed over his soul. Heck she's an alien she could not even be 'evil' but she could just as easily have a orange-blue morality.
7348798
Bit longer than 12 hours, I'm afraid. This was the last chapter I had ready. It's probably going to be a week or two, but I hope you'll think it's worth it.
7350027 What?
Some people do move out to wilderness on a wim because they're tired of all the normal.
7350090
Sure, I can get over his accepting her offer but the total lack of caution, questions, or conditions is apocalyptically thoughtless and short-sighted. Plus those guys who go into the wilds typically aren't 18 year old in high-school with no major issues in their lives and excellent future prospects, they also don't become a female squirrel as part of the package.
Heck even his letter to explain to his loving, biological family sounds exactly like one from someone brainwashed into joining a cult. "Hey Mom, I got a great opportunity that could last for the rest of my life but it requires my dropping off the face of the Earth with only this vague letter to explain my disappearance and you may never see me again but don't worry. I'm where I want to be."
Before I read, I'm gonna assume, an average human is the daughter of a cartoon character she thought was a cartoon character?
7350227
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Okay, I'm willing to play along, for now, but I'll have you know I nearly stopped entirely when I saw this:
You kind of mangled Luna's speech registers all across the board, but this got a visible flinch out of me.
A star swiped by through the infinite vastness of the internet, before stopping at a singular page in a literature rich site. Landing inside my favorites tab...
7350227
It's Kraft Dinner. Mac and cheese has far more milk and almost no cheese in it. While both are tasty, Kraft Dinner is better.
7350980 ramen is actually bad for you.
I give-up. Either learn to story or get a proofreader/editor. How this managed to get featured with how it is is beyond me.
7350997 I do not have autism, but we have many of the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia and Sensory Processing Disorder, leading me to believe that I have said disorders.
Overall I like where your story is going, but I do have a couple of issues with your story.
First: I find you are using to much exposition. You tend to tell us what happened instead of showing, which is making the story a bit dry for me.
Second (biggest pet peeve): Your paragraph structure needs some major work especially when two characters are having a conversation (one person says something then when the next person starts talking you start a new paragraph).
Third: Not sure I agree with the how your character just accepts Luna's word and then agrees to her proposal without any real contemplation. It sounds like he had a loving family, wouldn't him leaving without a word cause them to feel distraught. I mean he just up and left without a trace there would be no chance for his family to have any real closure.
I am going to stop my rant here. know that while your story needs some work I will still track it as I enjoy the concept. For your future chapters if you are looking for someone to proof/edit your story let me know.
For this being your first story, you are doing a pretty damn good job. Now I can't wait for more!
Did he die? Cause if not, then it isn't quite electrocution. However, in the modern vernacular, electrocution can now mean receiving an injury by electricity, usually pretty grievous.
This is a good start, at least the story was written and posted, but there is a long way to go. Dialog needs to be handled correctly, plot needs to develop in a way that isn't just insane, and I think the overall language can be brought to a higher level. The readers are told what is happening and not shown, combined with other things involving word choice; this makes the story difficult for me to read.
Well the story is on a good star but I has a hard time believing that he would take Luna's clams to her words and not provide any proof that he/she was in fact Luna's daughter and just accepts her offer like that and leave everything behind without time to think it over. True there could be intensives to go there, and the guy might not be big on forethought, but accepting a new species and gender he would probably regret the decision for a while, especially sense probably doesn't realities how different the gender roles are. I wander if he could ask to get his previous gender at least.
7350804 It's only Kraft dinner in Canada. Maybe also in the northern states of the good old USA.
Favorited for relatively large vocabulary.
7351543 Yeah, can't argue against that. Just make sure there isn't any of these moments.
7352121
Thanks, I've had it my whole life.... errr... I mean...
But seriously, you've got the right idea. Literally ANYTHING could be going on here because we've been given no background or story to develop the scenario. Everyone keeps talking about the main character made this decision with no thought, but I'm more concerned with the fact that we've been given no info. He really couldn't have put any thought into it when he doesn't know anything. Luna gave us the following facts:
1) She was locked up on the moon between 6 and 1006 years ago.
2) She had a daughter at some point (we don't know if it was before or after her imprisonment), that she's been looking for for a little less than 6 years.
3) She believes the main character to be that daughter.
4) Luna can perform memory alteration.
We also know:
5) The main character is human and male.
We're also to assume to be true:
6) The main character has a recorded history that can be traced back 18 years to his birth from his real birth parents.
We have no other information. There are obvious discrepancies here. If he's really her daughter he must have been born before her imprisonment, or soon after, making him about 5, or older than 1006. But he's 18, putting his birth during Luna's tenure on the moon. So obviously something is afoot, and the story needs to address it.
Hmm.
A basic start.
A very basic start.
Still... if there are some good twists upcoming... it might do well.
Intriguing and quite the story I'll consider faving but for now i will track you
7352419 You mean like the elephant in the room? What if Chris isn't actually Moonbeam?
Interesting start. While tossing his previous life away that quickly seems unlikely I think that with the mentions of his obsession it just highlights HOW obsessed he was.
Tossed on my tracking list and upvoted.
7351717
To clarify for everyone Kraft Dinner is a brand name product, not a type of dish or a different name for mac and cheese. It's like how not all bandages are Band-Aids. We ALSO have mac and cheese in Canada but if Kraft makes any that's news to me.
I read this and thought, "Well... Screw it, I guess I'll favorite this. I'm curious where this is going."
Y'know, at first I thought this was going to be some poorly writen Mary Sue piece of crap and was tempted not to click on it. But god damn, I'm glad I did. This story has a lot of potential, please don't squander it.
It's been a while since I've seen something even remotely original.
you can or could write marry sue all day long and i would not mind. ^_^ just make it interesting. :D
one question i keep asking as i read this.... how did Luna know?
good story interesting idea will be watching this carefully.
7354047
Oh hey! Look everyone, this guy/girl has an ALICORN OC as his/her profile pic!
That is SOOOOOO original!
7354335 I wish I knew a second language so I could tell you to fuck off in it.
7355007 Agreed.
7354335 Way to be the guy no one wants at the party.
I think this is a very interesting story to read it keeps me very interested in the story keep up a good work update more on this story soon
7354335
Pedicabo ego vos.
7350120
Okay, take your time. I can wait.
Realy?
Do I need to get Twilight in here to properly explain the differences between an alicorn and a unicorn?
derpicdn.net/img/2014/5/18/629794/full.png
7355007
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA THATS FUNNY YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
7355007 I do know a second language
7354335 Dü âr et javla pöjken
Decent so far for an SI OC fic, though I have no idea what type of plot this will be.
As for the writing, please follow the writing rule which states 1 speaker per paragraph.
7355007 "Encule" will work nicely.