Chapter 3
Rainbow was immersed in the world of Daring-Do. Her eyes danced across the colorful panels and she breathed in the awesome imagery laid out in front of her. No matter how often she read Daring-Do, she always felt as if it was the first time. All the excitement of following Daring’s adventures, close calls with death, and the thrill of emerging triumphant with a priceless artifact in her hooves never faded away. Here, with these comic books containing colorful and well drawn pictures, was no different. She was currently on the part where Daring had been left for dead in the chamber by Ahuizotl, tied to a sacrificial stone table in the center of the room with quicksand pouring in and poisonous snakes and spiders huddling around her helpless form. Dash knew Daring would escape, she had read the book several times after all, but that did not diminish the tension filling her body. She was reluctant and eager to turn the pages, to see what would be revealed in the next panels. Would Daring escape? Or would she be gotten rid of by Ahuizotl?
Dash turned the page.
Several spiders were crawling over Daring’s body. In response, Dash felt a chill run up her spine. She felt something touch her left shoulder and quickly slapped her right hoof across it in a panic to feel... nothing. It was just her hyperactive imagination. With mounting anxiety and excitement, she moved on to the next panel. She could have sworn she felt something prick at her right shoulder and she anxiously swept her left hoof across it to feel, once again, nothing.
Was it just her, or was her mane getting tugged at by something?
Dash slowly turned the page to see Daring attempt to launch her hat through the chamber. Letting out a tense breath, she ran a hoof across her sweaty forehead. As she continued to run her hoof backwards through her mane, she felt three separate appendages poking at her foreleg. Freezing in fear, she tentatively lowered her foreleg just a bit farther down the back of her neck. What she felt next made her eyes widen and jaw drop in a silent, horrified scream of terror. She felt another five digits move onto her limb, accompanied by a prickly sensation of tiny hairs brushing against her skin. She felt a light pressure on her foreleg as something lowered itself to rest on her coat.
“AAAHHHHH!” Dash screamed as she leaped into the air and flew around the room, thrashing about in midair. “GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!”
Dash kept flying around the room in a blind panic before she finally bounced off the wall and came to rest on the floor with a soft thump while the ‘spider’ flopped down about a meter away from her head. Curling up into a ball, Dash hyperventilated as she waited for her heart to stop trying to leap out of her chest. Eventually, her heart returned to a more normal rate of activity.
Dash eventually calmed down enough to turn her head and take a closer look at the ‘spider’ that had crawled its way up her neck. It was a fake, but in her wound up state of mind earlier, she had no intention of pausing to make that distinction.
‘Wait a minute! A fake?! How was it even able to move if it’s a fake?!’ Dash became aware of a certain lavender unicorn currently caught up in the throes of a laughing fit. She narrowed her eyes and her lips turned downwards in a scowl. ‘Of course.’
She got up and, quite irritably, kicked the stuffed spider out of her way before stomping over to Twilight. Her eyes took in the sight of the unicorn tossing and turning on the floor, still broken down in hysterics. She then looked over the table next to her and saw the papers that contained Twilight’s hypotheses and experimental procedures. Moving closer to get a clearer view of the papers, Dash rolled her eyes at Twilight’s typically eggheaded motives.
Giggling, Twilight caught her breath and shakily stood up. “I’m sorry Rainbow Dash... well, actually, no. I’m not sorry at all. Now I know why you and Pinkie love to play pranks on other ponies so much.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes again. “Well, glad you enjoyed that little experience,” she said sarcastically.
“I sure did! I got great results for both my experiments! Plus, a little payback,” remarked Twilight with a smirk as she took up a quill in her magical grasp to record the results of her prank.
“Payback?! You said you weren’t mad at me!”
“And I wasn’t. But I didn’t say anything about forgiveness,” Twilight said with a cheery tone, finishing off her notes.
“So, do you forgive me now?” asked Dash.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin in thought. “Hmm... yes, I forgive you,” she said with a smile at Rainbow.
“Okay, then,” Dash replied with a smile as well. Her face then adopted a more serious look. “You know, you still pulled a prank on me. It was mean and I feel very hurt,” Dash said with a slightly exaggerated tone, trying to elicit a certain reaction from Twilight.
Twilight’s smile was instantly wiped off her face. “Oh no, I’m sorry Rainbow. I never wanted to hurt you. Can I make it up somehow?” Twilight’s voice was sincere.
‘Success!’ cheered Dash internally. “I’ll need to think about it. But you’ll have to agree no matter what,” Dash said as she gave Twilight a poke below her ribs. Twilight responded to the poke with a small ‘Eeep!’ and a jump of surprise.
Dash raised an eyebrow. “What’s this? Don’t tell me you’re ticklish, Twi.”
“No! I’m not. Don’t do that again,” Twilight quickly said with a small blush while backing up a step.
Dash’s eyes narrowed and she smiled. “Well, I think I just figured out what I want.” She slowly advanced upon a still retreating Twilight with an evil glint visible in her eyes. “Roses are red, a deep crimson hue. Once you get tickled Twi, you sure will be too!”
Twilight turned and tried to run before Dash leaped forward and pinned her to the floor. Unfurling her wings, she brought them down to Twilight’s sensitive sides. Using just her wingtips, she started running them over Twilight’s struggling form, making her seize up with a new fit of hysterics.
“NO... stop! Please... stop... Rainbow... Dash!” Twilight managed to choke out before shrieking with laughter.
“What’s that? You’re going to have to speak clearly, Twi!” Dash kept tickling Twilight mercilessly.
“RAINBOW! I CAN’T BREATH!”
Dash relented and climbed off of Twilight to let her catch her breath. After taking a few deep breaths, Twilight sat up and glared at Dash. “I swear, you can be so evil sometimes, Rainbow Dash.”
“Oh, you know you love it,” Dash replied with a cheeky grin and poked Twilight’s chest.
“Well, I know you’ll love this,” Twilight said as her horn lit up.
The next thing Dash knew, she was flat on her back and couldn’t move. Looking up, she saw her legs were pinned to the floor by a bright purple hue. She squirmed and tried to break free of the magical field.
“My turn,” said Twilight with a cheerful voice as she placed her front hooves against Dash’s belly.
“Hey, wait! Can’t we talk about this?” Dash pleaded.
Apparently not. Twilight ignored Dash and began rubbing her belly, causing Dash to thrash around in her magical restraints and shriek with laughter much like Twilight had just moments earlier. Twilight vigorously tickled Dash’s belly, showing no mercy to the chromatic pegasus. Dash’s peals of laughter echoed around the room, accompanied by Twilight’s own gleeful giggles.
“Twi! TWI! I’m sorry!” Dash squealed between her laughter induced convulsions. “Please! Stop!”
Twilight stopped tickling for a second, pretending to go deep in thought. “Weeeell, since you said please.” Twilight got off of Dash to sit back on her haunches and relaxed her magical hold. The purple aura surrounding Dash’s limbs faded and she sat up to catch her breath.
Dash’s current state of mind was something akin to bliss with a mix of restlessness; a heightened sense of things. There she was, simply playing around and having a good time with her best friend and object of affections. In addition, the way they were sitting now had Twilight angled in front of a window from Dash’s point of view. Several hours had passed since she decided to pay Twilight a visit, so the sun was already halfway below the horizon. The effect was stunning. Behind Twilight, a natural backdrop had been created. A myriad of radiant spectrums emphasized Twilight’s lavender coat and navy blue mane, giving her a kind of ethereal glow in the remaining sunlight. She looked so beautiful, it was as if Princess Celestia herself was orchestrating this moment.
The scene was simply too magnificent. The moment, too perfect. Dash’s mind went blank and she simply made her move.
The effect was instantaneous. Twilight jerked back, her jaw hanging slack and her eyes wide in shock. Dash crashed back down into reality and she realized what she had just done.
‘Oh no. No, no no, nononono. I didn’t just-’
But she had. The look on Twilight’s face told Dash everything she didn’t want to know. She had just blown everything. There was no hope now. She just had to get out of there before her dignity and self-respect got torn to shreds. Again.
There was a moment of silence. It was as if the air itself was holding a breath. The tension in the room was so thick it could have been sliced with a knife. Twilight was still staring at Dash in shock, and Dash was beginning to shrink back as the implications of her deed started to sink in. Twilight closed and opened her mouth and then closed it again, at a total loss for words. Dash made a sort of squeaking noise that could have been mistaken for Fluttershy and made a snap decision.
Dash flew straight and true, intending to fly out the open window as fast and as far away as she possibly could. The brightly hued sky filled Dash’s vision, but it no longer looked so beautiful to her anymore. She reached the window and flew outside to find herself flying towards...
-a window?
‘What the hay just happened?’
She kept flying. She flew out the window again, only to find herself hurtling towards the same window again. Suddenly, she was jerked to a halt and she hung limply by her tail. It had been seized in a purple glow. Twilight was glaring at Dash and her horn was glowing with the same bright purple.
‘Oh no, oh please Celestia, no. Please don’t let this be happening.’
“Rainbow. Dash. You steal my first kiss, and you think I’m going to just let you fly away?”
Dash’s mettle broke. She covered her face with her hooves and cried out, “Please don’t hate me, Twilight! Please, please, please!”
Dash felt herself drifting downwards until finally coming to rest on the floor. She curled herself up and kept her forelegs covering her face.
A gentle voice reached Dash’s ears. “Rainbow Dash-”
“I didn’t mean to kiss you! It just happened! I lost control!”
“Rainbow Dash-”
“I’m sorry, Twilight! Please! It’ll never happen again, I promise!”
Dash felt a hoof rest upon her shoulder, and she risked a glance from behind her hooves. Twilight was standing above her, with the kindest, gentlest face Dash had ever seen.
“Rainbow Dash, I don’t hate you. I don’t think I could ever hate you. But, I have to know... why?”
And there it was. The moment of truth. The moment that Dash had been dreaming of and dreading. Dash felt infinitely worse than she had in the performer’s lobby of the Best Young Fliers Competition, switching her number with everypony else’s, trying to delay her own performance for just a little longer. But she was in Twilight’s library now. There was no way of delaying the inevitable.
Dash slowly removed her forelegs from her face and sat up. Twilight removed her hoof from Dash’s shoulder and sat back, calmly giving her friend her full attention. Dash herself wasn’t so calm. Her eyes were darting around the room and her hooves scuffed against the floor. She nervously cleared her throat before speaking up.
“Soo... uh, I -I kinda...” Dash fell silent and stared at the floor blinking rapidly. She tried again. “For a while now, I... I kinda, sorta had...” Dash took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “A crush on you, Twilight.”
“...”
“...”
“...Really?”
“Yea.”
“But... why?
Rainbow looked up in confusion. This wasn’t exactly the reaction she had been expecting. “Well, why not?”
Twilight looked flustered. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that you like me. But, I just can’t understand why somepony like you would like somepony like me.”
Now Dash was really confused. She had been expecting some kind of anger or rejection. What she got instead was nothing of the sort. “Wait, wait. Back up a sec. So... you’re okay? With fillyfoolers?”
Twilight’s face took on a scowl. “Don’t use that term, Rainbow. It’s a derogatory and condescending word. Just call it what it is.”
“Um, okay then. So you’re okay with lesbians?”
“Of course I am. What kind of narrow-minded pony did you take me for?” Twilight asked, irritated.
Rainbow dropped her gaze and shuffled her hooves again. “Well, since you came from Canterlot, I was kinda afraid that you were raised to look down on that sort of thing.”
“Rainbow, since Princess Celestia was my teacher, I spent a lot of time with her. She became almost like a third parent to me. And what time I spent with my family wasn’t spent talking about romance.”
“So, how did you get your own ideas of romance?” Rainbow was curious.
“Well, since I was getting private lessons from Princess Celestia, the topics would range from complicated magical spells to simple things like why grass is green. Occasionally, the conversation would stray to things like love. Plus, I also spent quite some time in Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, so I would sometimes just watch other students interact with each other.”
“And just how did they interact with each other?”
Twilight’s face darkened. “I remember one time, there were two fillies that had kissed each other during break. Everypony who saw them immediately went into an uproar. The news spread like wildfire: there were two ‘fillyfoolers’ in our midst. Almost everypony was so cruel to them. It broke my heart and I cried about it to Princess Celestia. She told me that things like that are ever present in pony society, and it wasn’t just in the school too.” Twilight took a small breath before continuing. “As I grew older, I learned that almost all of the media denounced same-gender relationships as well. But the princess told me that I should always keep an open mind about everything. She said what had happened at the school was a clear demonstration of fundamentalism versus modernism, and that it is a constant in pony society. She told me that I could look in any history book about pony culture and see it at work in society.”
“Wait, what’s fundamenta-something versus modern-thing?”
“Fundamentalism versus modernism. It means a clash of old ideals and new ideals. In this case, the belief that two ponies of the same gender can love each other as a couple.”
Rainbow absorbed the information in silence. It sounded a lot like Cloudsdale alright. But she never thought that Canterlot would be as bad as what Twilight had just described. Sure there were a lot of mean ponies up in Cloudsdale, but not everypony was like that. There were even several that openly supported same-gender relationships, and she knew that number was slowly increasing daily.
“So, Rainbow, back to my original question. Just how did somepony like you come to like somepony like me?”
Dash just shrugged. “Well, why not somepony like you?”
“Stop avoiding the question.”
“I’m not!”
“Yes, you are!”
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are!”
Dash facehoofed. This foalish exchange was completely counter-productive. “Do I really have to explain this?”
“Yes, you do! How did you come to like me? We have almost nothing in common!” Twilight had a strange look on her face. Dash couldn’t quite place it, but it looked a little like... fear? Uncertainty?
Shaking her head to rid it of those distracting thoughts, Dash sighed. “Well, for starters, I think you’re really cute.”
Twilight blushed at the statement.
“And secondly, I don’t think we’re as different as you say we are. Whenever you get focused on something, it’s like there’s a fire in your eyes. It kinda reminds me of me when I’m pulling off one of my awesome tricks.”
Twilight didn’t know whether to accept that as a compliment or roll her eyes at Dash’s typically boastful speech.
“And you’re smart, funny, nice... usually,” Dash winced as she rubbed the top of her head. “And I really enjoy just hanging out with you.”
Twilight sat there, silently absorbing what Dash said. She spoke up. “But what about Pinkie Pie? Or Applejack? Wouldn’t you be better off with them? I mean, you love playing pranks and spending time with Pinkie. And you’re always competing with Applejack. Or even Fluttershy. You’ve known her the longest out of all of us!”
Dash gave Twilight a piercing look. “Why do you keep asking me this, Twi? It seems like you’re trying to avoid the idea of me wanting to be with you.”
“IT’S BECAUSE I’M SCARED, OKAY?!”
Twilight’s shoulders sagged, her head drooped towards the floor, and she started to quietly sniffle. Dash was taken aback. Yup, this wasn’t what she was expecting. At all.
Dash moved up and sat beside Twilight. “You’re scared, Twi? Of what?”
Twilight sniffed. “What if something happens between us? What if we start arguing? What if we hate each other? What if we never want to see each other again?” Twilight raised her head to look Dash in the eye while blinking tears out of her own. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend,” she whispered.
“Hey, come here,” Dash said, before wrapping Twilight with her forelegs. She could feel Twilight trembling slightly in her grasp. “Things aren’t going to be like that. We’re already best friends. Even if things don’t work out we’ll always be best friends. Besides, we’re the Elements of Harmony, remember?” Dash pulled back a little to look at Twilight. “Not even Discord was able to tear us apart.”
“Well, technically, he did. He managed to corrupt us one by one until-” Twilight’s rant was abruptly cut off by a cyan blue hoof.
Dash removed her hoof from Twilight’s mouth. She chuckled and shook her head. “Glad to see you’re back to normal, Twi.”
Twilight gave a small smile in return. “Thanks for that, Rainbow.”
Dash let go of Twilight and moved so she was standing back in front of her. “Alright, how about we try this again?” Dash took a breath. “Twilight Sparkle, would you like to go out with me sometime?”
Twilight looked into Dash’s eyes for a moment. She smiled and leaned forward to nuzzle her cheek. “I have the whole day off tomorrow. How does that sound?”
Dash closed her eyes and nuzzled Twilight back. “I’d like that.”
A/N: If somepony manages to spot at least one of the references in this chapter, I’ll give her/him a cameo in the next chapter. Good hunting!
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1989/04/03 ?
well shit i cant find any i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/039/shrugging-pinkie-pie.png
Great chapter. I think the reference is to Doctor Who when he kept making that alien in the fat lady's skin teleport back running to him every time she teleported away. or it could be in Secret of my excess when spike doesn't want his cheek cleaned and twilight kept teleporting him back. sorry I wasn't sure which one you were talking about.
Do references to MLP or MLP FIM count?
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! This was so cuuuuuuuuuuute!!! *Hugs Twilight and Rainbow Dash*
826769 Well done sir, you got it! Send me a PM describing your OC.
826873 Sorry, I don't watch Doctor Who.
826907 Unfortunately not.
827088 Isn't it though? I had a lot of fun writing this chapter.
827283 Wow that's weird here is the scene i was talking about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XpKYCKwxrw
sorry I'm not sure how to embed videos on this sight just copy and paste.
Definitely gonna add this to my Read Later list, heh.
827629 If it's in your 'Read Later' list, how will you receive updates?
827654 Excellent point! It's just I have a lot of stories to read as is, plus I'm writing my own!
Well... trying to, anyway.
Not bad, not bad at all.
TwiDash makes me all warm and fuzzy inside C:
827672 Good luck with that! I recommend getting an editor or two. My own have helped me immensely.
827348 To imbed a video, do this ---> [youtube=] *after the equals sign here, paste the code after the equals sign in the full link*
827348 828299
aka yours would look like this
youtube=3XpKYCKwxrw
and the result would be this
[youtube=3XpKYCKwxrw]
but seriously i rarely see someone use this
Is it possible? A romance fic that has them start dating within the first few chapters that's actually good? -faints-
854854 I take it you liked it then?
Dash flying through the windows again and again reminds me of Portal. Then again, pretty much everything these days reminds me of Portal.
858430 That's interesting. Now that I think about it, that does remind me of Portal.
858461 Maybe Twilight has a portal spell. Or a secret stash of moon gel.
Now that you replied, I can add the stuff I forgot on my first comment: I like how you brought up something Dash and Twi have in common besides reading. I'm new to the pairing and honestly couldn't see much reasons that'd make them compatible. Least now I got one more for the list.
And that historical rant was so Twi
858491 Well, it was actually Twilight teleporting Dash back to her, although I never explicitly said it. I like being vague and mysterious in my writing, letting you, the reader, interpret or figure things out for yourself.
Thank you for that compliment. I'm glad I was able to increase your reasoning for Twidash.
And by historical rant, do you mean her past as a filly or their encounter with Discord?
858521 No, I totally knew it was Twilight teleporting Dash back in, like when Spike tried to outrun her napkin in Secret of my Excess. I just like making portal comments
Her past as a filly. The Discord thing too, but getting all historical and accurate with terms is just SO Twilight
858602 I'm glad you think so. I kept going over their conversations and changing words to fit their intelligence levels and personalities.
Nice to know that I was successful.
856282
Yes, yes I did. Well, do. Present tense.
Well, I don't have any useful feedback to give you, because, well, you know me and my stance on these stories, (I'm still not writing one) but congratulations on writing a successful story, Stryker. My theory of common shipfics being instant sells is correct, as it seems. But it appears you've taken something generic and made it good, so good for you! Why am I making this comment? Good question.
872165 I'm flattered by your praise, but I'm also a little curious. I understand your stance on stories like this so what made you read this? What drove you to read my story? And despite your stance, did you enjoy it at all? Sorry, if I'm prying but I'd like to know.
872222 I didn't read it, actually. Maybe I shall, then tell you what I think. Why I left that comment is because I see you as a friendly aquaintance of mine, and you've given feedback on my work. It's one of my goals as a member of this community to make sure everyone has some feedback, especially people who give it to me.
872236 Lol, so the opinion you got that I created something good from something generic was obtained from reading the comments?
872247 Why yes, certainly; one's opinion is just as valid as another's. So I can definitely infer that this is of quality as far as these stories are concerned. I've read the first chapter. Rainbow Dash reading, gets hungry- SUDDENLY CRUSH ON TWILIGHT... I'll never get that, though. Continuing.
872275 Well, it's not exactly sudden. She's had it for a while.
872285 It's sudden to us, the readers; we don't quite know why, we don't quite understand how. Chapter two. Science experiments are fun, are they not? Playful pranks are too. Nothing too much to complain about, but what is Twilight hiding in her diary? Secrets are well and good, but this must be relevant in more than one way, the one way being that Twi has something to get revenge on Rainbow for. Is deus ex machina to save the day and make it say she has a crush on Rainbow? Perhaps.
872306 I see. And chapter 3?
Well, of course Twilight's open to the idea- she's all about learning anything about everything and having reasonable reasons for having her opinions. If she wasn't, that's be anti-climactic. A little bit of deconstruction and some social commentary as well as a hint of worldbuilding? Those are good things to have.
872341 I'm going to need a little explanation there. What do you mean by deconstruction and social commentary?
Overall, it is not my type of story, as I did say, but it's well constructed and not paced badly, though my skills at detecting faults such as those are poor. Your writing skills are of ample quality, this deserves the praise you've recieved. The social commentary, the whole explanation about the Canterlot School's filly-fooler incident. The deconstruction is Twilight questioning why Rainbow likes her, raising the point that they aren't too similar.
872377 So, are you pointing out that I have them, or saying I need more of it?
872391 I'm just saying it's there, and that's good. More is better, if anything, but the whole story can't be about that. Now what you need is some conflict, something to drive their relationship through a blender in a creative way to keep your readers intrigued. So, good luck.
872402 Thanks for that. And thanks for giving this a read. I appreciate it.
I'm kind of afraid to read this, now that they're together.
Judging from the description, this very much has the potential to end badly. I hope it doesn't, because I hate sad endings.
I'll stick with it though, because it's well written.
873306 Well, it's tagged 'sad' for a reason, but I say give it a chance. I can at least guarantee that there will be no horn or wing loss.
873681
Hey, I've read stories that are tagged sad but don't have a sad ending. I do think that should be one of the only times that tag is used, though.
Don't worry, I'll keep reading it. For you
873802 Yay!
Oh god. THIS IS LIKE BEST THING EVER!!!!
Please continue it!
895600 Really? Wow. I... I just don't know what to say... Thank you...
And you have my word.
896599 IF this is your first fic ever... I can't wait to see you get even better at writing
905492 Thanks! I really liked your story too, and I'm looking forward to more of your work.
946914 Thank you very much for letting me know your thoughts and criticisms. I really do appreciate it when people tell me things like this. If you decide to continue reading, I hope I somewhat assuage your concerns with the opening premise. I recognize that it was quite lacking in the areas you pointed out, and my editors were kind enough to point it out to me as well, so they helped me out with that in the later chapters. Although whether or not it's to your standards or preferences is up to you (although I do hope it is ).
hey there, noticed you were asking for criticism. thought it might be fun to do a read and write down anything i found odd or would have done differently. hopefully this wont seem too pretentious.
crazy about the introductory scenes, but i think it might be worth considering altering the part where you list the moves she does and instead write something about how she feels while practicing or something like that.
laughed when you brought up the sandwich, really liked that part.
i like how you make rainbow already have feelings for dash instead of developing them in the story it makes it feel more believable.(however i must say i am a sucker for the fics where the character has to deal with developing those feelings)
the part where rainbow reasons that her bad traits comes from a childhood event seems wierd to me. its not very believable(just my opinion)
if she already knew that those traits were a problem she would have worked to get rid of them. It seems to me that as far rainbow dash is concerned there is nothing wrong with her,(ironically enough her arrogance can be a bad thing) at least that is the impression i get from the show. the way of fixing this would be to not explain to the reader that that is where her traits come from but let them infer that themselves.
also a final thought on the first chapter is that it might be interesting to make dash read other books than just daring do books. maybe find a subject of literature that they could both share and relate too. that way you aren't just building a fanon but also introducing new elements to the show.
hope this helped somewhat, and if you enjoyed writing this you should keep uploading everybody has potential for greatness when it comes to writing .
i may or may not do the same for the second chapter
ooooooooh-kay so i decided to do the second chapter as well. please excuse the grammar. (disclaimer: i am not an expert on this subject and you shouldn't take anything i say to seriously)
nice touch with the buzzing sound, it suggest without saying it that it has happened before. only one thing here. this is supposed to be romantic, which means that your greatest device in getting the reader to feel for your characters is to build the mood. unfortunately comedy and romance don't really mix to well. that being said twilight's sarcastic comment was well placed. I know of some people who pull this kind of comedy off really well but it has to be the right circumstance.
ex: rainbow dash is feeling groggy from a lot of training and not enough sleep falls asleep on sidewalk. twilight walking home from whatever she might do when not reading sees her and levitates her onto back while delivering expertly casually executed joke about how rainbow should be able to stay awake with all the naps she takes. readers chuckle. of course this is just a quickly thought up scenario and it can be done a lot better.
i really like the plot you got going here. However i feel like it could be improved with some more detail, the whole thing seems a little shallow on that end. writing these kinds of things takes time unfortunately and since this is your first fanfic allowances should definitely be made for the details. but for future references the details are what make the story come alive, they are what capture the reader and make them say "this is flipping amazing" the plot usually comes secondary.
(when i say details, what i am really thinking of is those infinitely small things that we do that makes the reader know exactly how we feel. for example: <insert name here> had to prop herself up on her elbows to avoid snow sneaking in through the crevice where her hood attached to her coat(this being a human coat and not a fur coat, this is an exempt from a short story i wrote). She had been trekking up the hill to reach her overlook, and was starting to get that numb prickly feeling all over. She shivered and chills raced the drop of ice water running down her spine.)
i like your details on the fight or flight part of the brain, it is accurate and it shows that you have some knowledge on the subject. am i correct in saying that you have taken a psychology course. if so it is smart to write on the subjects that you know. any author in the world will take inspiration from the world around them and almost no scenario is entirely made up. often places run parallel to the authors hometown, or characters act as people he/she knows. this being said the scenario seems a bit forced. twilight has never been seen testing theories she finds in a book if she has no reason to believe they are not true, and having lived for a while she has probably felt these responses herself and shouldn't need to confirm them.
i like the ending leaves me wanting to know what happens next.
if you aren't interested in writing more stories disregard following section.
i just realized reading my own review that this could sound discouraging. mostly because it implies that i expect you to be able to incorporate all of these things. this is by no means the case, i mean it would be awesome if you did, but learning this usually takes long time. writing a story of this length and detail should be considered an accomplishment in itself. if you want to get better however on of the best ways is to read ridiculous amounts of books that you find to be enjoyable and the try to write using the same devices in the hope that they will find it enjoyable as well. also it is important to write lots of stuff. best way to do this is to not let it become a chore but keep it a fun and enjoyable thing to do, that way you will be able to write tenfold the stories as compared to when it has to be forced.
thiiiiiiiird chapter:
oh yes the prank was so well thought out. loved how you took the spider scene from the show and made twilight use that to her advantage very nice. although her reaction might be a little over the top. might have been better if dash had just screamed and pushed it of her and twilight had giggled.
nice transition into the tickling you make it seem just like a natural occurrence just like these things should be in a story. also the tickle scenario made me smile nicely executed. i think the reason why i like this is that it has some good description and it kind of comes alive. this makes me think that you might need to work on your dialogue and thought processes but the more dynamic scenes are well done.
i like the paragraph immediately after the tickle scene as well. it really puts you in rainbow dashes head and almost makes you feel those feelings with her. actually now that i come to think of it just listing of the characters feelings can have a really powerful effect and is almost always a good idea. however it is important to not just think that the reader should always be aware of what the character is feeling. the best ways to do these things, I've found, is to: 1) visualize the scene 2) decide what message you want the scene to display and how it is supposed to further develop the plot 3) choose words that accomplish the goal developed in step number 2. it seems that you did something similar in that paragraph.
the way you imply the kiss is good, however it seems to happen a little to quickly, it might be beneficial to stretch time a little here. and maybe actually explain what happened. ex: without thinking she leaned forward and stole a kiss. and then add a LOT of detail to that. oh god "without thinking" such cliche word choice seems to happen in almost every ship fic I've read. then again i guess that just means it works.
"And there it was. The moment of truth." not bad but i think it might be better instead to tell the reader exactly how rd feels so that you can feel how painful the situation is for her.
i love the story of the school. it has good buildup, good description, and the message is very relevant to the story. it so much better than just saying "i don't like people who aren't okay with lesbians" it gives you insight into exactly why she feels like she does.
the reasons you give for rd liking twilight are good but it feels like your pulling them out of thin air. it is kind of important to insinuate these things before rd admits them so the reader feels like he understands rainbows side of the story and are like, yea i was expected her to say that,(it makes them feel important if they are allowed to figure it out). it also makes for more dynamic storytelling if you also know why rainbow likes twilight and it isn't just presented as a fact to be accepted.
otherwise good work. hope this critique finds you well.
982664 First off, I'd like to say thank you very much for that critique. Me love you long time.
Secondly, let me give a few details of myself, because I think you are giving me WAY too much credit in terms of intelligence. I'm sixteen, I've never formally studied psychology and only used my own experiences as well as learned it through books and documentaries, I always read a lot more than played video games (to give you an idea, when I was in 5th grade, I had a high school student's reading level), and this is indeed my first serious attempt at writing. I've always hated school writing assignments. BORING! I'm flattered that you think I'm smarter than I really am though.
And lastly, my responses.
ch 1-You like how I made Rainbow already have feelings for Dash? Well, I should hope so!
ch 1-I didn't really imply that they were bad traits (at least I hope not), just that she gained those in an effort to deal with the event. I kinda used a life experience of mine in terms of personality changes to inspire that part. But yeah, that part could be better.
ch 2-So, am I supposed to write in more description so the readers get a better idea of the scene? Kinda like having a slightly blurry image to a crisper image?
ch 2-Well, in my mind, Twilight is the kind of person... er, pony, to experience things firsthoof. Even if it is in a book. <insert some quote about life being the best teacher>
ch 2-Yes, I plan to keep writing more stories. And not to sound ungrateful, but can you maybe send me a PM of specific areas of writing that I should focus on? Here in the comments, I'm kind of only seeing areas in the story which could have been better.
ch 3-Yeah, dialogue is a place I need practice. But what do you mean by thought processes? The characters internal thoughts/motivations?
ch 3-Ahh, for the insinuating part, how do you suggest I improve that area? Instead of RD just listing her reasons, should I include more description of maybe her internal thoughts or the imagery of the scene?
Again, thank you very much. I will definitely keep these things in mind for later chapters and stories. One quick question, should i go back and re-write some of the areas you pointed out to improve upon?
827672 Well, if you need anyone to proof-read that for you, I can totally do that for you.