Bright Star never imagined there could be another world out there. She was too concerned with magic; learning how to apply ancient magic to modern use was something she truly enjoyed. When she's called to Canterlot Castle by the Princesses, she's stunned to hear of another world, one without magic at all.
Brian's never given much thought to magic. He's only concerned about getting his degree, and fulfilling his dream to travel abroad. To him, magic's something in anime and fantasy, and the card game he has little to no interest in, beyond the great artwork.
Neither know the full scope of the future awaiting them when magic finally comes to Earth, and the adventures, and struggles, it's bringing along with it.
Chapters (11)
Oh Boy! is right. I always wanted to hear Equestria's side of the story
7169734 - This is going to be a big project for me. I've never written a fanfiction before, and I'm going to have to be my own editor, as I know no one, nor do I honestly trust anyone with this. Not to give too much away, but I've been talking with Starscribe about things, and many ideas here are originally theirs, but I'm flushing it all out, with their permission. Please bear with me, and I ask that no one hold very much against me, if I get something wrong. I'm sticking with the show as canon, just like Starscribe, but I'm going to eventually pull things in from the comics as well, because that's semi-canon. Also with Starscribe's permission.
Also, this was me when I saw my story had been accepted:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wk1UXTN8y0Q
7169832 Well you havent given anything away yet. I wasant looking for the mistakes, I just stumbled over the word as I was reading it. I just thought you might like to know. I can continue to PM you as I find them when reading your story if you wish.
You have me intrigued on the first chapter. I am trackig thin one.
Zombies, soul sucking, devices with unnatural auras, stored magic of countless millennia about to pop, parallel words... Yeah, that's a mite much to take in in a single sitting. A brochure would have been nice. Proper information packet would do wonders.
An interesting beginning - there are various roughnesses in sentence structure.
"call out" / calls
, but if you / . If you (to break up the long sentance for a breath)
"suffering they may have been going through" - but you've just said they have no souls.
"One piece of information we shared with them " - how can you share information with the HPI if they do not exist because they have not been formed as they don't know humanity is coming to an end?
... "Birth certificate, campus ID, "...
If you're intending to stick to canon - we haven't seen any of this sort of thing really.
Some more in-theme may be appropriate - for example an ID ring, and verification by Cutie mark verification spell.
Consider also ponyisms. Bag/her saddlebags.
Have we actually seen mail slots on the show? (though this is quite reasonable extrapolation if she's living in an apartment)
Interesting beginning.
7170619
- Just because there's no souls, doesn't mean the mind isn't all there. Anything living can still suffer.
- I think, now that I think about it, I was having Luna speak retroactively. I tried switching it around, so I hope the new arrangment is alright.
In regards to the forms of identification I listed, and the mail slot in the door, most any civilization, especially one of their advancement, would have them. You need a birth certificate to list place of birth, and parentage, unless you're an orphan, but then I think they'd make one for you anyway. As for the mail-slot, it would make sense to have one in lieu of a mail box when living in a city, especially when living in an apartment. I'm writing some of these things, based on the fact that we don't see much of Equestria, and guessing quite a bit. I know a fair amount about history, and it doesn't take much of a stretch to see that they'd have thought of these things too.
As fun as them messing around with the cellphone was, I have to wonder; was it professional of the guy to use his personal phone to take images of the sensitive encounter?
7290806 - People take pics of everything. I think by this point, the groups going to Equestria knew they'd be gone a while, so they wanted to show the Equestrians what they saw from the other side. I'd have to speak to Starscribe about what the human side of the portal would look like, but I personally imagine something like in Stargate: A sizable portal, at least human-size anyway, that is potentially two way, but you can see through both sides. Or something. Had they survived, the images would have been removed from his phone, and it would have been reset to the day he left to Equestria.
It's a nice chapter. Keep up the good work.
7411131 - The praise is appreciated. I think I'm getting better, and with some advise from Starscribe, I think the next chapter should be good too. I'm trying to work each chapter to between 1500 and 2000 words. I'm going to try to liven things up with the next chapter too.
I will get to my own character a handful of chapters from now. Until then, enjoy Equestria.
Somehow this wasn't in my favorites before. Mistake corrected.
7582360 - I tried to include how Equestrians would feel about what they were doing, and add nods to other author's stories.
i like this very much
this is good very Good
7617987 - I do thank you for your comments!
I've got time to put some work into my current chapter, after which, I'll move back to my secondary character, Bright Star. I'm still a small ways off from introducing my own, but I'll get there.
Don't quite understand the title, but I'm sure that's going to change. Great work so far, you've earned a like and fav :)
7777413 - You have my humble thanks.
My title will make sense in coming chapters, where my character will come in. The time spent in Equestria wasn't really meant to be this long, and will be probably another few chapters, but I just couldn't help it. It's fun to write about.
This is my first ever published story, so I'm trying my best. Since I live just outside the Rockies (just a 15 minute walk from the hog-backs), and my character's from here too, is the reason I chose the title. A small spoiler; they'll never leave the Rocky Mountains for long. Maybe a few months, but never longer than a year.
A little intrigue in the castle. I thought changelings were part of the official spell. I didn't know that they were sneaking themselves in the spell.
7820446 - If you read Starscribe's second story, you'll see that the girl who becomes a changing is a shocking surprise for the whole crew. I think it's mentioned by someone in the story that they snuck themselves in to add their 'essence' to the spell, because the Equestrians didn't ask them. This is before Thorax came in. That's about as far as I'll go with them though.
I thought only unicorns were going to teleport to Earth
7926058 - We really haven't seen too many Equestrians in people's stories, and StarScribe does have an entry for it. Both solo ponies and teams do go, but unicorns need to be with them, or there's no way for them to get home. It makes sense for them to go in teams though: Earth is an unknown world, with dangers they may or may not've seen in their observations, making traveling in groups a safety measure.
Teams also make it easier for them to train the transformees, and easier for them to gather things, both material and experience wise, from the former humans. Having a team also allows the Equestrians to have an easier time finding candidates to send to their world for evaluation.
7927168 Works for me. Thanks for the explanation.
7927647 - Here's the thread that explains the Equestrians on Earth:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/207757/ponies-after-people/thread/181316/canon-story-rules
- Search for 'Equestrian Characters,' StarScribe describes who can and cannot go to Earth. I found this page extremely informative. Don't take everything I say as total truth. StarScribe still holds complete authority over this universe, and so their word is law, in this regard.
Hope this extra info helps!!
Alright! Now we're getting somewhere.
8045126 - There was a lot of prep work, getting the ponies ready for Earth, but there is still a lot to come. Some drama and hilarity as well, not to throw any spoilers out there.
As much as I like my new game, 'Horizon: Zero Dawn' , I'm getting a little burned out on it. I'll be writing the chapter for a few days after work, but like this one, there will be a slight wait.
Please be patient with me.
8045544 Take all the time you need. Writing is one of those things that is always harder and more time-consuming than it seems.
So let me preface this comment by saying that I mean it with nothing but love. I wouldn't have made it this far in your story if I didn't enjoy it. If I thought this was a bad story, I would have given up a long time ago.
So this chapter was a really neat introduction to your main character. I really enjoyed lots of it, and I think she'll be quite a lot of fun to hear about.
But it also brought into a focus a problem I may've mentioned before (or maybe I didn't). Your story is not by any means the only one to suffer from this problem. As a matter of fact, a large number of the side-stories do, and it makes them all harder to read than they need to be for this exact reason. I will call this problem "the confusion of event and story."
The short description of this problem is that making this happen and describing a setting are not the same thing as telling a story. This chapter, like some of the others, spent a great deal of time and energy telling us specific things about the setting we didn't need to know, and describing events the audience doesn't care about.
A story isn't just a record of events that happened. It doesn't really matter, for example, what "would really happen" in a situation. What matters is the narrative. The quest of a specific character, their challenges and obstacles, and what they learned along the way. Or in even shorter terms: Make us love your protagonist, put them up against unbeatable odds, and show us their triumph (or spectacular failure). What we don't need is intricate description of the layout of the house, or any action that doesn't serve to either further the plot or help expand the characterization.
Does this make sense? I hope it's not sounding too harsh, or too confusing. I guess what I'm saying is, as you write future chapters, worry less about what "would" happen, worry less about describing everything around your character, and worry more about showing us only things that either "further the story" or "make us feel things about your characters".
It isn't that what we have on the page is bad, it's that we have too much of it. The story's good, but its length and level of detail is keeping it from becoming great.
I'll use a recent example of Bedtime Stories, since I know you read it. Consider the section where Chip visits the Manor of house Time for the first time. She has never visited that part of town before, and never been inside a mansion. I might've spent paragraphs describing the architecture, the layout, the beautiful paintings and fanciful draperies. Instead I said it was a fancy mansion and describe only two objects in the room: the bed and the wardrobe. Both of these objects matter later in that scene (Chip changes into new clothes right away from the wardrobe and later has sex on that bed. Also there's symbolism with a human sized bed in the house of someone who's family oppresses the children of humans). Compare that to this section from this chapter above:
All of that essentially amounts to "I searched the house but my mom and dad were both gone." None of the specific details mentioned actually matter, and they don't come up again.
To put it another way, think of your reader like the most ADD 3-year-old you can imagine. She's sitting in your lap listening to your story, squirming to get away because the ice-cream truck is driving down the street outside. Every word you write is time out of her precious day, and she's three, so she isn't going to sit around just because. Every bit of description you give is like you pointing to an object in the room and saying "Look at that! That thing right there matters to you!" She'll believe you at first, but if you keep doing it over and over, she very soon realizes you don't mean it and she gets very bored. It's hard to get her to pay attention to the details that _do_ matter because you've cried wolf so many times with things that don't.
I used to struggle with this too, because my teachers in school filled me with a rather naive sentiment that "you can never have too much description." This is not true. In reality, the fewer words you can use to convey the same thoughts, they better. Why spend three paragraphs describing what the house is like and all the character did to look through it, if the only thing that matters in the end is that hey looked and didn't find anyone. Say that in one line and move on to the exciting parts!
I would challenge you to read over the next chapter you write, sentence by sentence, and as you read each one, ask yourself "Do my readers NEED this detail? How will this event matter later? Can I skip this scene?" The more you can cut, the better.
I've strung the strings of this harp for a little too long, so I think I'll leave just one last thought and then leave. You've set the stage well with your main character. Now your next mission is to make sure we understand their goals clearly and sympathize with their quest to attain them. Don't just have them "do what you would do", or else the story is gonna get mighty boring mighty fast. Rather, skip over the boring things you would do and show us the interesting ones. Show us the goals we care about, and make us cry as we think the character could never achieve them. Show us how hopeless it is... then surprise us when the dragon makes it through anyway.
That is how you turn a good story into a great one.
I hope that didn't sound too harsh, or too confusing. I really do like the story, which is why I spent all the time it took to type that up. I want to see it go from good to great, and I think you can do it! ^^
8060825 - In my view, any constructive criticism, is good criticism. There will be conflict for my character to overcome, hardships and realizations that will cause a lot of emotional stress for my character, in later chapters to overcome. It won't be the same for the pony characters, since they have the benefit, most of the time, of working together, strength in numbers, and less base instincts to deal with. I have plans for my character, that will deal with how others percieve them, and how they're treated. And more.
The reality of the situation has yet to fully set in. It will though. I'll also work on how I word things. I'm trying, but this is my first ever story. I hardly wrote even short stories in high school and college, so this is a totally new realm for me. All I can do is ask for your patience, and please bear with me. I'll be going back to this and rereading it for pointers, and editing my story as I go.
Thank you.
I'm guessing the magic failed somewhat because most humans disappeared.
I haven't confirmed with Starscribe, and I wholeheartedly ask them to verify, but my fan guess, would be that it takes a lot of magic to turn someone into a dragon, so there may not be a lot of people returning nearby when someone comes back as a dragon. At least not for a while. That's probably why White never found anyone (so far), and why Deirdre (The Celtic Dragon) only found two, despite coming back months later. I haven't read the latter in some time, but I do remember her meeting only two ponies.
Plus there's pony instincts to contend with: even a teenage dragon is a force to be reckoned with. They may not be as strong as an Earth pony, but they have claws and teeth. The latter of which can literally break and chew DIAMONDS!!
It stands to reason, that if you're not a cute baby dragon like Spike, you're bound to instill fear, and the desire in others to leave you well enough alone.
I don't know how long I will keep the story on Hiatus, but it will be for the forseeable future. I apologize to my fans, and those fans of PaP, but I've just lost interest for now. I've even lost interest in the show: I haven't watched any of the current season, nor any of the previous episodes for months. Thanks for following me thus far, and I may see some of you in the future.
Bye for now.
English,... Hard? English is one of the more simple languages of our time. The hard part is to think less while speaking it (at least I thought so while I was learning English)
If they struggle with English the teams who head to Europe (where I would recommend to learn speaking german as well as French and English) or even China... They must be going through hell...
8358752
As a linguist I beg to differ on the difficulties of English. Our rules have exceptions, exceptions for the exceptions, and so on. There's no federal agency determining how words are incorporated or created for new concepts, such as in mainland Europe, so English just adopts new words as it sees fit. 'Tsunami,' 'Haboob' (Arabic), 'Facade' from French where we got rid of the cedilla, or the little mark below the 'c,' which looked like this, 'Ç,'
English is ranked as one of the hardest languages for any non-native speaker to learn, for many other reasons. Our syntax is fairly fluid, our spelling makes little to no sense in many words, with silent letters being one of the most confusing aspects of our spelling. The letter 'K' is silent in 'knight,' 'knee,' 'know,' etc. I'll grant you there are harder languages out there, one I'm passive in, Japanese. It's verb and adjective conjugation system was, and still is a source of minor frustration for me. At least though it's a little more regular than English.
As for the Equestrians learning it, the reasons for their difficulties should be a little obvious. It's an alien language, literally. Our languages are going to have sounds. or combinations of sounds, that they may've never heard before, or may've existed in previous versions of their language. There may even be some that sound the same, but have quite different meanings. Such as in Spanish and Japanese, in 'casa,' and 傘, both pronounced like the Spanish word for 'house,' but the Japanese word means 'umbrella,' in English.
They are going to have some difficulties, as any language learner does. As for the Equestrians learning other languages, they've been observing Earth for the better part of 3 years. All that time with spells that might allow them to see and hear, without being seen or heard, thus allowing them to gain an understanding of our languages. This would present a handicap though, as the best way to learn a language, is to have someone to interact with. Having a couple of books in English from the failed exploratory crew would help, which is why most of those going to Earth, but not all, went to areas they may've heard English the most.
8358960
Well I speak English only as my second language and it's actually pretty intuitive after surviving the German grammar labyrinth.
I often make sentences way more complicated than I would have to
I don't want to trash talk the English language by any means.
I kinda like the simplicity that comes with it...
Also I can only talk for myself and state that I found English to be a simple languages to learn. I tried to learn Italian and found it to be a lot harder for me to learn
Also I made the assumption that equish is (like it was stated) close to english so I assumed that it should be fairly easy for the ponies to learn the language.
But i guess I failed to consider the missing instructions/guidance of an experienced speaker.
8359174
Yeah, having a native speaker to talk to is a big help. I have a friend in Japan who I talk to all the time, both on social media, and the PSN, the latter of which is the only way we can talk, without massive long distance charges.
Also, if your native language is Germanic, such as German, Dutch, Frisian, or so on, then English will be relatively easy, since it's classified as a West Germanic language. We lack the inflections that other languages use massively, as well as gender articles such as the German articles, der, die, and das, since English all but eliminated grammatical gender centuries ago, making it easy in that regard. We still have gendered pronouns though, and a neuter, 'they/them'.
There's also word order. Equish could have a word order completely different from English, SVO, or subject-verb-object. Theirs could be VOS, VSO, or any other combination, one that makes English different, and difficult.
As for the Equestrians speaking our language, they seem to have all the right vocal equipment, since many speak it very well, albeit with a thick accent, vis-à-vis Trixie and Colgate.
All in all, the Equestrians coming to Earth will be fairly fluent in English, having spent years learning it, since a spell is temporary. They would've just spent a couple years in intensive study, much like the military does with its linguists and translators.
Nice to see this updating!
I hope it's update city!
May your muse mumble many marvelously mythic memories to emote to your multitude of fans.
8642342
i agree. really pleased to see a update after so long.
Woo! Another Returnee in a story sense and in a character sense too! I've been hoping for this to come back. I have family in Colorado and have been watching both of the stories there with interest to see if I recognize anything.
I know I'm late to the party, but I'm sad seeing this story incomplete.
I know it's your first, Iron_Cauldron, but I must share that I feel your writing has improved dramatically over these eleven chapters, and I was dreading getting caught up because I knew it wasn't complete.
It's been fun reading about what happened on the other side of the portals, and I can't help but hope to someday read more about what happens with Star and company, how they might meet our newly-draconic friend, and to see more of her adventures.
The location also hits a soft spot for me. It's nice to see mention of places not that far from home, and mentioning places I've been to certainly helps my mental imagery.
So, thank you for writing this, Iron_Cauldron. I hope you're not done, but even if you are, this has been a good read!
9480034
I do apologize to all those who read my story, and checked for a time for updates, for it to be for naught for a time. At this point all I can do is apologize, and say that I am not finished with this story. Roughly about April or May of 2017 something happened (I cannot remember for the life of me), maybe I became really depressed (and I mean really depressed), or something else that just made me lose interest. I regained it about the fall/early winter of that year, and posted my last chapter, then I was let go from my job of almost two years. Adding more depression onto my plate.
After that, I just drowned myself in games for three months before getting my current job, in March of 2018. During that time, I all but forgot about MLP, and regained an interest in other things. I've been thinking about my character more lately, and plan on starting writing again within the next month or two. I just need to watch the show again, since I haven't seen a full episode in months, and haven't been keeping up with the recent seasons. Heck, I didn't even finish season 7 yet, and I got to the third to last episode of it!
So yeah, I haven't given up on this story, I just got really sidetracked on other things in life. Some days, even from when I thought up this story, I really wanted the events leading up to this to happen. I'm very world-weary, and not even middle-aged yet. Often times, I just want to be any one of my characters, just to have a reason to avoid people. (Also very introverted.)
Expect more to come, I just have to write it out. First though, I need to flush it out, and get my backside into gear.