Vinyl and Octavia been roommates for years. Though they been good friends Vinyl one day decided to play a prank by setting up Octavia with her friend Neon just for kicks and giggles.
What she didn't thought was they'll start hanging out more.
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"Well hello conductor. May I ask how fast we're going?"
"I CAN'T STOP! HELP ME! PLEASE!"
Yeah. That's my thoughts. Rushed, forced. That's all.
7461973 I haven't read this yet but your comment made me giggle so thanks for that.
Don't want to sound like a prune, because maybe you wanted the title to be what it is, but a cello musician is called a cellist.
1. "Vinyl giggles as she walked"
Either present tense or past tense. Never both.
2. "to her roommates room"
roommates is plural form of roommate.
roommate's is a possessive form of roommate.
3. "thinking on"
thinking of
4. "Though part of her thinks it's cruel but quickly dismisses it as she levitated"
Past or present tense. Not both.
5. "letter that's sealed"
that's is unnecessary.
6. "thinks on more of her idea."
A structure like that has no right to exist in our universe.
7. "set up on a blind date with the help of Octavia"
It sounds like Octavia helped Vinyl set Vinyl up. She didn't help. She did set Vinyl up.
8. "causing her to never talked to Octavia for a month"
Either never or for a month. Never means eternity. Month is a finite amount of time.
Also - past or present tense. Decide already.
9. "to set he up"
her
Also, its unclear to whom you refer by writing her.
10. "Sometime ago Vinyl was set up on a blind date with the help of Octavia whom said the stallion was a good pony until Vinyl met the stallion which turned out to be a mare and the date ended before it began leaving Vinyl not in a happy mood causing her to never talked to Octavia for a month while at the same time she was plotting revenge until recently when she decided to set he up with her rival Neon for some revenge since she knows it won't go well."
A sentence has no right to be this long. It's a crime against literature.
11. "Though took some persuasion she convinced both to meet"
through, not took.
12. "Octavia walks through a park with the letter in a small saddle bag as she looks around."
Bad sentence structure.
13. "as she looks around for the noble"
It wasn't stated anywhere before that her date is supposed to be a noble.
14. "walks in wearing a leather jacket"
Remove in.
15. "stallion I'm supposed to meet isn't here and was some joke my friend is playing on me."
Is the stallion a joke?
16. "in turned"
in turn
17. "made Octavia giggled"
giggle
18. "lead into both"
to
19. "with is other front leg"
his
20. "Neons"
Apostrophe.
21. "he's surprised at it"
Construction like surprised at something doesn't exist in English language.
22. "different then other"
then
others
Even though it wouldn't be a correct form either in here. You should use different from the others
23. finds him fascination in some way
Fascination - noun
Fascinating - adjective
24. "Names Octavia."
Name's
Even then, Octavia wouldn't be the one to use such a form. She would use a full sentence.
25. "Names Neon."
Name's
26. "Both smiled as Octavia gets up"
Past or present. Both tenses cannot be present in the same story.
27. "seeing its late"
its - possessive form of it
it's - shortened version of it is
28. "We can meet up here say tomorrow evening?"
It's a question. Questions have a different structure. Can we meet up(...)?
29. "and head on home"
headed home
30. "I just agreed to possibly a date."
Either a possible date or possibly agreed
31. "Vinyls and Octavia's"
You nailed it with Octavia's
You failed it with Vinyls
32. "Well Vinyl, I noble wasn't there"
What is I even doing there?
Also, it'd be the noble
33. "may not noticed"
Not have noticed
34. "some DJ dual"
duel
35. "DJ whom is Vinyls rival."
who
36. "realizes she possibly one of those ponies."
There's an is missing somewhere there.
37. "it away until he remembers"
when
I didn't point out any missing commas or errors in sentence structure, because it would take me much more time than I am willing to sacrifice for reading such a... thing.
Not to mention the pacing is bad, the reasons for the pairing are non-existent, and generally speaking the whole thing is atrocious.
I also have a copy of this comment saved, by the way.