Spike's Doom and/or Destiny

by terrycloth

Lord Orcus

“And that’s when dad said, ‘I don’t care how many tiaras you have, you –‘ shh! Someone’s coming!”

The heroes emerged into a combination throne room and prison. One half of the room was dominated by a massive throne, decorated with many skulls, surrounded by flaming braziers and tapestries with a heavy skull-and-knife motif. Most of the other half was a large cage, done up like a fancy bedroom, with a dresser and a mirror and a four-poster bed.

As they entered, the princess – a cute, if slightly chubby, bright yellow unicorn – was climbing up onto the bed, as a very large orc closed and locked the cage door. He was wearing a crown, and flanked by his bodyguards – two giant axe-wielding orcs and a hooded orc shaman.

“Is this a bad time?” Bon Bon asked. “We can come back.”

“I think not,” said the large orc, turning to face them. “Are you the so-called heroes I was warned about?”

“Yeah, that’s us,” Spike said. “Are you Lord Orcus?”

“I am,” he replied.

“What took you so long?” the princess asked. “You were supposed to be here ages ago!”

“We were busy,” Derpy said. “There were these evil cows, and then we had to go to River Town…”

The princess frowned. “Sidequests? You kept me waiting here while you went and did a bunch of sidequests?”

“Well, at least you haven’t been cooped up in a cage the whole time,” Bon Bon said.

“Close enough.” The princess folded her legs and glowered, mostly at the heroes. “He only lets me out to use the bathroom.”

“Normally we have prisoner go in cage,” added the orcish shaman. “But this cage next to throne. Not good planning.”

“Maybe you could use a bedpan?” Spike suggested.

“I’m not going to use a bedpan while everyone is watching,” the princess said.

Spike shook his head. “You wouldn’t want to, but you’re stuck in a cage so eventually you’d have no choice.”

“Princess very stubborn,” the shaman said. “Also not do own laundry.”

“She shouldn’t have been in there long enough for bedpans or laundry!” Lord Orcus growled. “I expected her would-be rescuers to be right on my heels!”

“Ponies get lost?” the shaman suggested.

“We did not get lost!” Moondancer protested. “It was Bon Bon’s fault for—”

“Actually, we kind of did,” Derpy said. “You led us to that church, remember?”

“Oh, right,” Moondancer said. “The church where you killed the high priest.”

Derpy scrunched up her nose. “That was an accident!”

Moondancer rolled her eyes. “No, it wasn’t, Derpy. You stabbed him in the chest.”

“Come on, don’t be so hard on her,” Spike said. “She thought she could bring him back to life afterwards.”

“That’s still not an accident.”

“Are you sure these are heroes?” the Princess asked, as Spike, Derpy, and Moondancer continued to bicker.

“Of course they’re not,” Lord Orcus said. “They’re your father’s pathetic attempt at summoning heroes without Lord Destiny’s centuries of experience. It’s hardly a surprise that he failed so completely.”

“He didn’t fail,” Bon Bon said. “Once we defeat you and rescue the princess, we’ll prove that we’re qualified and gain official recognition.”

“And that’s where your little plan falls apart,” Lord Orcus replied, “since none of you will be leaving this room alive. I only wish you could have been more punctual for your inevitable humiliating defeat.”

“Like the princess said, we had some side-quests to take care of,” Bon Bon said. “It’s a hero thing, you wouldn’t understand.”

Moondancer was sitting down by this point, kneading at her forehead with one of her hooves. “I don’t even know why you’re so defensive. It’s not like killing ponies matters here. He was probably already resurrected by the time you tried to cast the spell.”

Derpy shook her head, tears dripping down her cheek. “But the big floating crystal was magic that worked! He hated magic that worked!”

“Doesn’t that mean he would have hated to be resurrected?” Spike asked.

“Whose side are you on!” Derpy shouted at him.

“Hey!” Bon Bon shouted right back. “There’s a boss fight about to start, here.”

“No, no, this is the most interesting thing I’ve seen since I was kidnapped,” said the princess, lounging on the bed in her cage.

“Orcubus!” shouted Lord Orcus, and the orcish shaman immediately stood at attention. “Orc knights!” The two larger, quiet orcs drew their giant axes. “Execute these intruders!”

“Not so fast!” Spike said, whirling around as the orc knights charged towards them, and interposing himself and his shield. Their initial blows staggered him, but he managed to keep his feet, and retaliate with a gush of fire that made the orcs’ skin blister and char, even if it they didn’t show any sign of pain.

“Spirits of the earth!” said Lord Orcus, slamming his staff into the ground, which rippled towards the party like the surface of a pond. The waves parted around his allies, sparing Spike as well, but Moondancer stumbled and fell, and Derpy cried out as the wave of force slammed into her, even in midair.

Moondancer levered herself up with her scythe. “Dark Eidous!” Lightning crackled down, striking Lord Orcus but having almost no effect.

“How dare you?” he sputtered. “How dare you speak that name?!”

Moondancer smirked. “Dark Eidous Dark Eidous Dark Eidous!” Three more blasts of lightning descended, pounding Lord Orcus relentlessly. Almost as if she’d aimed them.

“Noodle Monster, heal!” said Orcubus in the back, raising her staff. A portal opened in the ceiling, much like the muffin portals Derpy usually summoned, but instead of a muffin, this portal disgorged a sickly white, slippery tentacle, which draped itself over Lord Orcus’ head and shoulders, then slowly retracted, caressing him as it left. A green glow radiated from his skin, as the lightning char vanished, and he stood a little straighter.

Lord Orcus laughed loudly. “You see? Heretic though you may be, you stand no chance against my power!”

There was a wet crunch behind him, and Orcubus froze, then slowly collapsed to the ground, landing with a thump to reveal Bon Bon clinging to her back, her cleaver embedded in the orc’s head.

Lord Orcus frowned, then pointed his staff at the sneaky cook. “A minor setback, now taste –”

His words dissolved into shrieks of pain and surprise as one of Moondancer’s fire bombs splattered against his back, setting him alight. He shot off his spell anyway – shot off three copies of it, in fact – but it was blind fire, and did nothing but leave scorch marks on the walls and floor.

“You want fire? I’ll give you fire!” Lord Orcus shouted, turning back towards Spike and Moondancer. He pointed his staff and let out a huge torrent of flame. He held it for several seconds, until Bon Bon’s cleaver sunk into his arm and loosened his grip, at which point it sputtered out, revealing nothing but two pairs of charred boots where his orc knights had been.

Spike and Moondancer were unhurt, of course, both immune to fire. Derpy was hovering near the ceiling, curled up in a ball and holding her hat down over her face. Apparently, that had worked, because Lord Orcus still didn’t seem to notice her.

“Thanks,” Spike said, stretching out a bit and loosening his joints. “That was pretty refreshing, actually. Can you do it again?”

As a reply, Lord Orcus aimed the staff with his remaining arm, and shot a brilliant blue ray. Spike blocked it with his shield, but the blue aura flowed over and around it, running up his arm and quickly covering his entire body. There was a crackling noise, and then the dragon vanished, encased in a huge block of ice.

Then Orcus stumbled and fell, as Bon Bon’s cleaver nearly took off one of his feet. “Bubble!” he said, desperately, and Bon Bon was knocked back as he surrounding himself in a familiar wobbly barrier.

“Bubble!” Moondancer echoed, surrounding his bubble in a bubble of her own. “Derpy, can you fix Spike?”

Derpy called on the Great Muffin, but that just ended up with a muffin sitting on top of the block of ice. “I can’t get to his mouth!”

Bon Bon reached into her saddlebag, and tossed a candy at Spike’s ice cube… and while the peppermint exploded dramatically as it shattered against the side, it apparently also had to be eaten to have any effect.

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake,” Moondancer said. “I could try a firebomb, but I don’t want to lower the bubble, and I can’t activate the cornucopia with it up.”

Derpy drew her cutlass, and swooped down at Spike, giving a loud battlecry as she slammed the blade into the ice. It took out a tiny chip, so she kept chipping away at it, swinging wildly. Bon Bon and Moondancer joined in with their own blades once they realized what she was doing, and eventually they weakened it enough that Spike could break free, shattering the ice from inside. As soon as he was out, he flopped to the ground and groaned.

Derpy pushed the muffin she’d summoned towards Spike with a hoof, and he slurped out his tongue and devoured it, which gave him enough energy to get to his feet.

“Did we win?” he asked.

“Not yet,” Moondancer said. “I’ve got him in a bubble…”

All three of them turned to look at the bubble, and at the still-burning form lying unmoving on the floor inside it.

“Yeah, he died a while ago,” the Princess said. “Do you think you can let me out of this cage now?”

===

The princess knew a back way out of the castle, which let them avoid the orc camp and get back into the forest, which was of course still swarming with orcs. The orcs weren't very difficult -- they were very predictable, and the heroes pretty much had orc-fighting down to a science by this point -- but they did seem to want to target the princess in particular.

"Can't you just use a repel?" the princess asked.

Bon Bon stared at her. "Why would we pay money for an item which lets us make less money and get less experience?"

"Wait, there's an item that we could use to avoid these random battles?" Moondancer asked.

"It's expensive," Bon Bon said.

Moondancer scowled. "So was fighting those wolves. That would have been the perfect time to use it."

"Well, excuse me. I didn't know we were going to need it when we were back in Castle Town with hardly any money and no clothing."

"Well, we need it now," Spike said. "As soon as the orcs see her they ignore me and make a beeline, and those axe-orcs are pretty tough."

"Derpy," Bon Bon asid. "Give her your hat."

"What? No!" Derpy clutched at her hat protectively.

"I'm not wearing that!" the princess said. "It wouldn't fit over my horn."

"We could punch a hole?" Spike suggested.

Derpy glowered as much as she could with one eye, which was actually quite a bit, and Spike felt a chill run through him as her gaze pinned him to the forest floor. "You're not putting holes in my hat!"

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. "We need her out of harm's way. If she was a pegasus she could fly..."

"I don't suppose you can use the bubble spell?" Moondancer asked.

The princess shook her head. "If I cast any spells to help you, you automatically fail the test."

Spike looked to Moondancer. "You could use the bubble spell."

Moondancer frowned, then shook her head. "You need me to use the firebombs. Do you really want to try to fight without me? We saw how well it worked fighting without you."

"Um... for these orcs, you could probably fight without me," Derpy said. "I barely have to do anything."

"So, what?" the princess asked. "Do you want me to ride you?"

Derpy swooped down and grabbed her under her shoulders. "Nah, I've got this."

===

After a few miles, Moondancer suggested that Derpy could wait until the fight started to start carrying the princess around, and that she could walk on her own hooves in the meantime. This came as more of a relief to the princess than to the pegasus, since Derpy wasn't tired and also wasn't very good at avoiding low-hanging branches with enough clearance not to scrape up her passenger.

They only had to fight one more group of orcs before leaving the forest, and the plan worked just fine -- the orcs still wanted to chase after the princess, but seeing she was out of reach, were willing to settle for Spike.

"I really hoped I'd get to just stab them in the back while they ran around chasing her," Spike said, sucking on a candy to heal up after the battle. "But this works too, I guess."

"There's nothing on the road except chickens and bandits, so from here on in it should be easy," Bon Bon said.

Moondancer winced. "I can't believe you just said that. Now we're guaranteed to fight some surprise extra boss.”

===

But they didn’t. And the princess didn’t let them stop to rest, so they eventually reached Castle Town the same day that they’d left, absolutely exhausted from dozens of hours of walking.

“Do you think you can make it the rest of the way?” Bon Bon asked, as they dragged themselves through the city gate. “That inn over there is calling my name.”

“Ugh, fine,” the princess said. “Guards! Escort me to my father.” The gate guards saluted, and fell in next to her. “These ‘heroes’ need a few hours to freshen up before their audience.”

Derpy, half-asleep, started to drift after the princess as she trotted on towards the castle, but Moondancer magically dragged her back to the rest of the group by her tail. The four of them didn’t speak as they trudged into the inn, and Bon Bon, with her bit bag already in her teeth, took a few seconds to give a curt nod as the innkeeper graciously offered them a free stay, as official heroes of Castle Town.

There was a giant floating crystal in the upstairs hallway, on the way to their beds. Moondancer tagged it in passing, and everything went blue. By the time the world returned, the four of them were already asleep on the floor.

Comments

[howard035]

I love Orcus's ignominious end, and the party being smart enough to target the healer first.

[RowynII]

They really need a lot more work on this whole "heroing" thing.

[terrycloth]

7705192 Oh, come on! They ended up killing almost everyone they came across. That's like 90% of heroism, right?