That time I became the Cuddlebug Goddess
Show of hooves: who here is brave enough to ask grauntie Celestia out?
Nopony? Okay, how about Luna?
Wow, seriously? I mean I know she's hot, but that many of you? Huh. Okay, what about auntie Twi--?
Wait what?
There's a club?!
Let me get this straight, there's a rehab group for ponies that have asked my aunt out and been rebuffed? But she says nopony ever asks her out! I'm going to have to get mom to look into this later...
Okay, look, my point is that it's supposed to be hard for an alicorn to get a date. Something about the manifestation of all pony races is apparently very, I dunno, scary to stallions and/or mares. Or maybe it's the princess thing. I'm not sure. Look my point is I was fifteen years old and hadn't ever had a real romantic relationship. My mom's the princess of love! I should have ponies fawning left and right! But no, here I was unable to steal a single snog.
So, yeah, maaaaaybe I was just a touch overeager when I found letters from a secret admirer. And after that General Flufflebuns thing, I was kinda pissed at mom and dad and I thought "Hey, I won a war, I can handle a secret relationship." So I'd been writing Crystal Wish for a few weeks and we'd been exchanging gifts and she'd been listening and I've learned not to judge, right, I mean I like looking at stallions but there's this difference between physical attraction and love or something? Point is, I started crushing right back on her and one day I was like "Hey, wanna meet up for some noms or something? Super secret like."
And I get a definite yes back. No, I'm serious, the card said YES in big fancy calligraphy with all this glitter on the edge, right? It's the 13th most melodramatically sappy thing I've ever seen, and I know that doesn't sound like much but remember who my mom is? Yeah.
So we arrange the date and I sneak out in disguise, by which I mean I've got this huge Wonderbolts hat on and my hair's in a ponytail and I'm wearing this big-ol sweater like I'm from Appleoosa or something. Cause... look, I think the wonderbolts suck, right, but I'm not going to tell Auntie Dash that ever, and Auntie Dash is a bit of an idiot and also the only wonderbolt that doesn't suck--no, I'm serious, she should be in charge or something. Anyway, she's the one that gave me the hat, and everybody in the crystal empire knows that I don't like the wonderbolts so OBVIOUSLY it can't be the princess walking down the road if she's wearing a wonderbolts hat, right? Most useful gift Auntie Dash ever gave me.
Anyway, so I meet Crystal Wish in this place, and we hit it off like awesome, and we're chatting, and I'm really getting into it, and it turns out she's secretly the changeling queen and she's drugged my hayburger with a knockout drug.
No, hold on, I swear I'm going somewhere with this.
See, I wake up tied down, you know, like you'd be in a hostage situation, and there's a magic suppressor on my horn, and my first thought is 'this is kinky' and then QUEEN CHRYSALIS strides in. And look, I've been told stories about her all my life, right? And I used to be scared of her but when your mom and dad and your aunts keep going on and on and on about how this was the most dangerous thing in their life you get kinda bored with it. So I was a little worried, but not really scared, so I start listening as she begins her speech, trying to 'break' me I think? Dropping subtle hints that she knows about me and my life and whatnot.
Here's the thing: the scary stories came from mom and dad. I was currently pissed at mom and dad. And I actually liked Crystal Wish, and even knowing that she wasn't quote unquote 'real' didn't stop me liking her, even though I was a little hurt. And hey, I'm irreverent as all get out. So just as she's about to launch into her final threat, I say "You have a really sexy voice."
And she just gets this shocked and confused look on her face and it's so totally adorable.
So Chrysy starts calling in some other changelings, trying to find the one who brainwashed me, cause apparently brainwashing makes you dumb and shit and she needs me to be smart enough to tell her some critical info? I don't know this, of course, I found out later, but I just flirt like a master, getting her more and more flustered--look, when you're mom's the princess of love you pick up on some of these things. She eventually gets fed up and figures that I'm trying to get under her... skin? Shell? Whatever. But just as she's about to knock me out I off-hoofedly mention my connection to the crystal heart, and I imply that maaaaaybe I can channel the love in the crystal heart to her if I, like, actually fall in love with her.
And she actually considers that. And it's adorable.
Yeah, she decides it's worth the risk. I still have the suppressor on, and I still have my wings tied to my body, but she does cut me free and we actually start talking a little bit, like actual ponies on an actual date. And it goes pretty well, despite the fact that she brainwashed my dad that one time before I was born, and in the end she escorts me to my 'cell' and locks me in with, ohmygosh, a little cheek kiss. Don't look at me like that, she was my first crush!
So the next day when she comes to pick me up I sort of whine about the lack of blankets, just a little bit, and I pout just the teensiest bit and she caves completely, she thinks I don't see it and she takes me to tour the hive but by the time we get back there are blankets. Also the hive is awesome. Big bug ponies crawling everywhere, it's so flippin' metal. Of course she doesn't show me any exits, I'm still her prisoner and all that, but I don't mind. I got my blanket.
Oh, the next day I kinda mention that I like colorbits. And hey, colorbits show up in my cell that night.
And then the next day I'm all embarrassed that I smell bad, and I'm wondering how Chryssy can stand to be near me when I'm so stinky, and she sighs and takes me to this improvised bathhouse.
And the next day I just hug her and she's got this awkward look on her face and JUST before I go to bed I crick my neck and explain that without a specific brand of pillow I get these awful pains, and she sort of fwuffs and assigns me a shopping changeling to get me what I need, you know, and I thank her and apologize for being such a burden.
I wasn't really sorry though. See, while I did want to piss off my parents by dating what they hated, I also wanted to take full advantage of the situation I found myself in. I had somebody courting me who would do anything to earn my love (for purely selfish reasons, but really I'm a princess that was pretty much expected). The trick was being subtle and cranking it up very, very slowly, all the while rewarding behavior that I approved of. And you know, changelings might be shapeshifting erovores that cause nightmares, but I'll tell you something that I found out real quick--they absolutely love snuggling. Hug addicts. The whole species.
In one week, my cell was about as good as an ordinary apartment.
In two, I was having well-cooked meals every day.
In three, well, I'd gotten my own personal retinue and convinced Chrysalis to dress up.
Not in a maid dress, no, that didn't come till the fourth week. She was, as always, adorable.
Now, spending a month in a situation where nobody is willing to talk shit about you to your face does things to your mind. I got a little bit full of myself, got a little cocky. I started asking for little performances, maybe a song or two. I got a couple of the changelings to make me a throne. A small one, but very fancy. I started to ask Chryssy to stay by my side for longer and longer, just so I could make my demands more efficiently. Nothing I did was abusive, I never asked them to hurt themselves or insulted them, but just the right pout here and a group hug there and they were all bowing at my every whim.
And then the guard found us. Turns out Chryssy had set up in the mountains near the empire.
Haha, whoops.
So there's dad and his guards, and they're all set to rescue me from Chrysalis... but they see her dusting the armrest of my throne in her maid outfit, and they stop for a moment, and dad and Chryssy just stare at each other. And then, since I'm stupidly high on the power rush of getting spoiled for a month solid, I cry out "WORSHIPERS, DEFEND YOUR GODDESS!" And both of them stare at me, in complete shock, but the changelings and the rest of the guard square off while they're just staring and before either of them know it there's this huge brawl.
Of course since these are the changelings and the Crystal Guard, I immediately have to start directing the battle to keep them from killing each other while still seeming to be a competent commander. And I'm so focused on that that I don't see dad and Chryssy get in their own little wrestling match, and I don't hear them apparently having a heart-to-heart and Chryssy whining about how I've basically stolen her hive from her or dad talking about the General Flufflebuns thing...
...well, right up until Chrysalis shouts "MY SWARM! SURRENDER!"
And the whole battle stops, and I stare at her completely shocked, and she and dad have bruises but they're both glaring right at me and I realize that the jig is up. And I kinda laugh and cringe and say "Can I at least keep the throne?"
Dad says "No," Chryssy says "Yes." They look at each other. Chryssy clears her throat and says "No."
So the whole swarm and me are marched right up to the palace, and mom sees me and grabs me in a hug and is worried that I was hurt right up until dad tells her exactly how he found me and then she's pissed. She sends me to my room, of course, but as I'm walking off Chrysalis smirks and says "Farewell, goddess" in this ubersnarky you-screwed-up voice. And I can't let that stand so I look over my shoulder with my own smirk and say "Goodbye, cuddlebug."
Was the adorabley miffed face worth the two-week-long scrubbing duty? Oh heck yes it was. I think mom actually laughed, she might have hidden it, but she laughed.
I still hit on Chryssy whenever she comes around, her reactions are priceless.
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Oh gods, this is hilarious!
Now I kinda want to see what adolescent antics she gets up to with Discord!
My god, this is awesome
YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
What.
As an admitted Flash/Twilight shipment supporter, I have to say; the idea of Chrysalis getting all flustered over Flurry Heart is hilarious and drives me to warm little fuzzies in my shriveled frozen heart! *blinks* Also I am terrible and believe that Flash should give guitar/heavy-metal music lessons to Flurry. Because she has wicked awesome set of pipes.
That was cute!
This is quality stuff right here.
That sounds really stupid, but I still want to be god of cuddlebugs.
It's like 'The absolute god of Hyperdeath', it sounds dumb as hell, but I would love it if people said 'All Hail Bromaeda! God of Hyperdeath!'
isn't normal for teenagers to date those their parents hate?
7075785
I believe that's called an 'End of The World Scenario'
7075785
Oh wow, her and Discord, that would just be...
How is she not grounded for a millennium?
I can't blame her about being terminally grumpy about being named after how she almost destroyed a civilisation before she was a month old, but she could have it so much worse:
Well she is a fun one isn't she? This story just keeps getting better and better.
...Skyla does not do things halfway, does she? Raising a bar twenty feet above the ground, winning a war as the bunny general, using Chrysalis and becoming the goddess of changelings, getting Chrysalis and her parents to sort of bond.... I dread and anticipate what comes next.
orig01.deviantart.net/889e/f/2013/283/c/2/cheese_costume_by_pridark-d6pwx45.png
This probably doesn't have anything to do with anything, but it's a cute Chrysalis picture.
You've been reading "Sunny, Moonie, Twily", haven't you?
My reference sense is tingling again...
This thing is just full of references to other fics, isn't it?
Hah. Too bad Chrysalis already made an appearance. It would've been interesting to watch Skyla develop a friendship with a possible Shining/Chrysalis foal. Though that might also have gone too dark.
And anyway... there are sooo many things I'm hoping might be explored.
Like Twilight/Flash and Skyla recognising how Clueless her aunt can be.
Skyla hanging out with her Uncle Blue(blood). I can totally see him spoil her rotten with gifts.
Skyla trying to hook up her Uncle Blue to some mare. Maybe one of Twilight's friends. She's Cadance's daughter, after all.
The Yak Prince making an appearance. I bet he's very easy to fluster, especially after the artic hare fiasco.
Skyla interacting with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. 15 and no Cutie Mark? Unacceptable!
Sunbust/Starlight shenanigans.
And maybe, though that might not fit the tone... Skyla, after a long and boooring session on magic, petulantly demands to duel her Auntie Twilight. And gets to see why this maybe wasn't a good idea.
7075852 Yeah, but its still hecka skeazy to sleep with someone who slept with your dad.
This story gets better and better with each chapter.
Considering this is a fifteen year old mare -- and a bit naive -- she was actually incredibly awkward and Chrysalis was somewhat confused by the attempts.
7075785 oh shit, that would be..... not good
7075892 her parents probably assumed she got kidnapped. besides, this is actually a pretty realistic scenario when you think about it....... at least with all the shit going on nowadays
The more of this I read, the longer the list of angsty teen-rebellion songs I want to link . . .
This chapter has earned you an up vote.
Have a mustache
This is epic.
Skyla and Kylo Ren need to meet.
I have never laughed so hard in my life. My cats are looking at me weird, and I think I woke up my neighbors.
Princess Flurry Heart just went from teenage basic to maniacal badass in 2 chapters flat
I approve
7076298 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9OhYroLN0
...sorry couldn't resist
This might be the funniest chapter yet!
Flurry Heart sure lives up to her name, she's like a disaster for all of Equestria's enemies. So as a teenager, is her life basically misadventures then punishment, then repeat? At least to us its really entertaining.
This chapter is totally unrealistic.
I mean, is that even possible?
...
This story is so stupid.
And yet so funny!
Flurry Heart being a walking natural disaster and constantly putting her parents and Sunburst at risk of an aneurysm, stroke, heart attack, high-blood pressure which ever comes first sounds like something that can actually happen.
I love the fact that Skyla would openly call bullshit and call the Wonderbolts a bunch of overrated incompetent idiots, although she would never say it to Rainbow's face. Who knows if an Alicorn can survive a Rain-nuke to the face.
Then she turns the Changelings own diet and need for survival against them and declares herself as a goddess in a month. Primus, where was she when all the crazy was happening before her birth!?
This story deserves a fav and like. Take it!
Yassss! I am loving this! Princess Sky-La forever!!
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By Primus... That level of crazy would be incomprehensible to the human mind. Unless you're Deadpool... or Bobobo... or Nora Valkyrie... or Cthulhu. Not to mention the Mane 6 and the Princesses would think Discord had a relapse. When it's just those two having fun. Well she and Discord would most certainly be grounded after a stern talking to from Fluttershy.
You. my friend, have just earned a like from me.
I do love the funny Chrysalis stories, and this was VERY funny hehe. Keep it up I am LOVING this story so far!
When she told them to attack I just had to put my phone down cause I was laughing my head off
haaaaaaa
The name thing had occurred to me to, although I ended up not using it in the end.
I'm actually glad I'm not the only one who thought of that.
Perfect teen version of her:)
Let me just say I think that the voice you've given Skyla is fucking awesome. If this actually turned out to be the character she was in canon, I bet there would be a lot less drama and a lot more fanclubs. Not that I think that Hasbro will ever be smart enough to actually do that.
Also the description of Maud filling in for Pinkie was pretty much perfect.
Wheeeeeeeee.
This is good, here have a follower.
Chrysalis's thoughts: ' I can't flirt back, or Cadance will murder me...I can't flirt back, or Cadance will murder me...'
I dont know what...but i want some of what you are having!!
Also, I'd love to see the look on Twilight's face when she learns about the support group.
This continues to be really hilarious.
This is great!!
The Cuddlebug Goddess is too cute.
I love how in almost all of these she ends up grounded, and you still gave her a great voice.
So funny that I laughed in class... not supposed to be reading in class. THANKS lol
I found this story adorable. Chrysalis in a Maid dress and Flurry Heart high on power thinking she is a goddess.
This is great