Luna entered the dining room. Customarily, a dish of fruit and bread was waiting at her seat on the table, prepared and left by her servants before she’d even lowered the moon. It had not been so before Luna’s imprisonment, but it had since become the common practice that a servant pony was most professional when they were not only unheard, but largely unseen as well. Perhaps it was a mark of their respect, but she found she missed seeing those who worked for her. Celestia sat across from Luna’s place with its untouched meal, eating alone. She noticed Luna in the doorway, and brightened.
“Oh. Good morning, sister!”
“Good morning.” Luna returned Tia’s smile, despite the seriousness of a few minutes ago. She sat across from her, without eating.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“Mm … no, not particularly. I may ask to have this set aside for breakfast later.” Luna hesitated, then admitted “I should not have walked out on you earlier. That was wrong.”
Celestia gave an unbothered tilt of her head.
“And I spoke rather hastily.”
At this, she looked up from her food. “Have you changed your mind? Would you like to talk?”
The true answer was that no, she did not want to talk tonight. She couldn’t imagine that she would want to talk for all the foreseeable future. And therefore, she said “Yes, I suppose we should.”
Her sister smiled. “Thank you.”
Luna could not match her enthusiasm; she merely nodded.
After the sun princess had had a moment to finish her meal, she rose from the little table. Luna went with her to their usual spot in a nearby room. It was a small, snug place, which lately they’d used just for these private conversations. Celestia jokingly called it the one parlour that guests were banned from. Servants also knew not to hover, nor enter except in emergency. The two of them sat by the fireplace, a well-used pad of paper on the floor nearby.
“So,” Celestia began, “why the change of heart? Something on your mind?”
“Well, I regretted the way I left things, but I still wasn’t going to come to you. Until, just after sunrise, I needed to reread your letter.”
Celestia nodded.
“No problem in particular, I just got to thinking all the wrong things again. A pony’s memory or perspective can be revised to justify anything they want, but written words can’t be so creatively edited; they’re always the same, always the truth. This is all to say, the letter helped.”
“Good for you.”
“Good for me?”
“You recognized a difficult moment, and you dealt with it. So yes, good for you.”
Luna scoffed lightly. “You always spin my failures into positives.”
“That’s because they aren’t failures. For you, that’s much improvement.”
“Oh, thank you(!)” Luna grumbled sarcastically, then winced. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped.”
Celestia tilted her head again. “It’s alright. I don’t mind.”
“I don’t mean to be unpleasant, but I feel so worn out. The other night was stressful.”
“Quite far from the point of our dates. I could tell you weren’t enjoying yourself much. What was the problem?”
Ah. She should have known that’s where this would end up, but she still found herself at a loss for how to convey her meaning. Luna half-began a word, stopped, tried again, and met another false start. Sighing, she admitted, “Well, I’d like to tell you. It would be very nice if I could. However … this is one feeling I’ve never been able to put into words.”
“Oh. I see …”
“I … I suppose that …” Luna struggled for a minute more, then resolved to spit out the first words that came to mind. “I suppose that I was bitter about – about how at ease you were. I felt I wasn’t nearly so natural. You can somehow, ah, ‘blend in’ with other ponies, be as one with them. I couldn’t. I was keeping to myself and being closed off …” Luna stopped talking; that had gone in entirely the wrong direction.
“Ah. You know, Luna, as I’ve said it before, you’re too hard on yourself. Blending into a new culture takes more time than one year. You’ve done remarkably in the time you’ve been back already.”
Luna shook her head, fumbling to correct herself. “No, that wasn’t what I meant. That’s more of a … a side effect of a larger issue. It’s like I … I don’t connect with them because I’m not sure … I’m not sure who I am. So even when I’m pretending to be some fictitious character, I cannot be fully invested in my pretense. I am never happy with it … not even when I’m ostensibly being myself. I’m not entirely certain that I’m … me.”
Celestia paused uncertainly, and Luna’s head hit the floor. “I knew I couldn’t articulate it properly. Perhaps we simply forget I said anything?”
“No no, we’ve barely begun on this. Don’t give up yet. Hmm … when you feel this way, is there something that comforts you?”
Luna lifted her head a little to shoot her sister a quizzical look.
“I’m trying to narrow your meaning down. Maybe this will help.”
Luna rested her head back to the floor, thinking it was worth a try. “Hmn – well …there is something.” Luna set her jaw a little, apprehensive of her next words. “This may sound … wrong to you, but try to keep an open mind.”
“Of course.” Celestia said, slightly concerned.
“I sometimes pretend I don’t exist.”
There was a beat of silence, while Celestia worked to quell her automatic dismay. Luna hurried to clarify, hoping to sound less depressing. “It’s not a new thing, I’ve been doing this for a long time, even since we were foals. You see, it’s more like a … meditative thought.”
“How do you mean?” her sister asked, managing to keep an even tone.
Luna settled into a more comfortable position, staring into one corner of the room, before answering. “I lie perfectly still for a few minutes, until it seems I could not move if I tried. I breathe more slowly, softly enough that I can’t hear it. And then, it’s a sort of reverse body awareness. I block each physical sensation until I feel nothing. Then … it’s very easy to imagine that my body has simply vanished. And perhaps I can still think and feel, but even so, I’m nopony.”
“And … this is a soothing idea?”
“Yes. If I’m nopony, then … I don’t have any name or face or anything I’m expected to call my own. Sky knows that none of them have ever been right.”
“None?”
Luna paused, wondering if they were actually getting somewhere. “Sometimes I have to say my name to myself over and over, just to see if it might sound like it belongs to me after twenty times, fifty times. Last night, I was staring at the mirror for a full hour after we parted ways, thinking the same thing: maybe if I just look at my reflection hard enough, that will be me.” Luna straightened up and turned to Celestia, confidence somewhat restored. “I know rationally what my name is, I know what I look like. But I can’t believe it.”
“You know in your head, not in your heart.”
“Is that the saying now? Yes, that suits. I really have no idea why I disassociate like this … or how long ago it began …” She sighed. “It’s sort of pointless to discuss, I think.”
Celestia shook her head. “Not at all, Lulu. I can already think of one possible explanation; you can likely guess what I’m about to say.”
“Do tell.”
“Your appearance, name, and every aspect of you was once suddenly altered against your will,” she pointed out. “After being unexpectedly transformed into somepony else, I imagine you may distrust your identity, or find it somehow unreliable.”
Luna’s gaze dropped to the carpet, frowning. “That seems logical. We could blame Nightmare Moon.”
“You don’t sound convinced.”
“No, it doesn’t seem right. I could swear I remember feeling like this even earlier than that, but … hmm.”
“When did you last feel like yourself?”
“Honestly, sister … though I’m loathe to even say something so reminiscent of my adolescent poetry … I don’t think I’ve ever felt like myself. Or if I did, the feeling must have faded quickly.” Luna shrugged and scoffed. “But why should we take my intuition seriously? I just admitted I don’t believe in my own name. It’s clearly broken.”
Luna met Celestia’s pensive expression and asked “Do you know what I’m describing? Was there ever anything you knew to be true that you simply couldn’t believe?”
Celestia’s eyebrows raised in surprise, then tilted. “I … y-yes, there was. When you were gone, I … Every day, I’d have to tell myself, it had really happened, you were truly away from me. It took over a hundred years to believe it for even a day.”
Luna shivered, and felt compelled to stretch her wing over Celestia’s withers.
“After that, I would still go through times when it stopped seeming possible. Centuries alone, and I still somehow thought that you’d never been exiled. It wasn’t just that I didn’t want to believe it, though I certainly didn’t. It was that it felt like the laws of nature forbade such a thing. We could not be apart any more than water could be dry. It couldn’t be.”
Celestia hooked one foreleg around Luna and pressed them close together. Luna allowed it, leaning into their hug. “I know exactly what you mean.” she whispered.
They stayed like that for several minutes, until they weren’t gripping so tightly and simply relaxed in their entwined position. Celestia broke the silence gently.
“Sometimes I’d have a royal proclamation to make, or a young student would need consoling, and I’d think ‘I shouldn’t be doing this, I should go get Luna. She’s the one who handles these things.”
“Truly?”
“Truly.”
Luna thought about that for a moment, until something occurred to her. “How did you handle the stars while I was gone? I never asked.”
Celestia laughed, though it was more than a little self-deprecating. “Well … for the first several years, until I found your star charts and had them professionally interpreted into a map … I just sort of put them anywhere.”
Luna sucked her next breath through her teeth. “Oh, Tia, no. The nautical confusion that must have caused …”
“Everypony really took my ‘compass’ idea more seriously the moment you left.”
“Well, they didn’t have a choice, did they? Great aurora … I’m glad I’ve got my night sky back.”
“ … Hm.” Celestia leaned back enough to look at Luna’s face. “Now that you mention that, I have another question.”
“Yes?”
“You said the other day … last week I believe, let me check …” Celestia’s golden glow wrapped around the pad of paper by the fireplace and flipped back through their log of these talks kept inside. “Last week, I asked if you ever resented being the night princess. And you said …”
“Not the smallest bit. No … not even when I was at my worst. On the brink of becoming Nightmare Moon, the plan still centered around my domain being, ah, ‘superior’ to yours.” Luna had to glace away at that last line, although Celestia didn’t seem bothered.
“Mm-hmm. I just wanted to clarify that, though you love being the guardian of the night … you can’t identify with the name ‘Princess Luna’?”
“That’s exactly – ludicrously – correct.” There was an edge of frustration in her voice, exasperation directed entirely at herself. “I love everything about my purpose. I love holding the moon. I love the way Equestria looks in the evening light. I love crafting the constellations and lighting up the darkened sky. I love to dream-dive and help the foals understand where their fears come from. There’s not a single thing about being myself I hate. Just … actually being myself, evidently.”
With a disgusted sound, Luna’s head was back on the floor. “This is no use at all. I’m … very sorry to have wasted your time with my foolishness.”
Celestia shook her head, smiling wanly. “You’re being much more coherent than you give yourself credit for, Luna.”
“It’s making sense to you? A good job, then, because it isn’t making sense to me.” Luna remarked “Sometimes our talks make me feel like every problem has a solution and it’s all very simple. But, other times doing this makes me feel like Discord invited himself into my mind and turned it into a funhouse.”
“I presume we’re in a ‘funhouse’ moment?”
“With warped mirrors, and chocolate rain.”
Celestia laughed, even getting the worn-out night princess to smile. “At least you keep your sense of humor about it.” she said.
“Sometimes.”
“It’s funny you mention Discord.”
Luna shrugged with her wings, head still on the floor. “I feel chaotic. Listen to me, saying I adore everything my cutie mark implies, and yet somehow I also don’t feel like Princess Luna. I don’t make sense. Only he could make less sense.”
“Try not to exaggerate, Luna.” Celestia admonished her. “And I don’t think you’re ‘Discordant’. I think you’re just stuck in some patterns. Every time you’ve tried to explain how you feel during this session, you’ve shut down your line of questioning. You lament its absurdity, and give up. Unless I’m mistaken, I think you do this even when alone. You try to think about how you feel and where it might be coming from, but before you get anywhere you call yourself insane and give up. Does this seem right to you?”
Luna went still. “Yes.” she mumbled.
Celestia set her paper pad down. “You look like you need your sleep, so I think we should call it a night here. So to speak.”
Luna shoved herself upward, forcing her clumsy, weak limbs to support her. “Oh …” The rush of blood to her head was worse than she’d expected, blacking out her sight for a moment. She blinked. “Yes, I’m more tired than I thought.”
“In the meantime, try not to dismiss yourself that way. Even feelings you don’t understand deserve to be considered seriously. If you keep condemning them as ridiculous, you won’t get anywhere.”
Luna, swaying where she stood, cracked a smile. “Yes, that way lies … lunacy.”
Celestia was silent for a moment, shaking her head, and said “Oh stars, Lulu, go to bed. ”
Still smirking, Luna poured her intent into her horn; she doubted her ability to walk back to her room and instead teleported herself directly into her bed with a flash of blue light. She sank into the bedclothes, finally relaxing. Already half-asleep, she wondered, could she do what Celestia suggested? She’d never seriously entertained those thoughts, or examined that particular sadness. In the main, she’d only ever tried to ignore them, frustrated that they were there. It might take a long time to learn anything with habits that deeply imbedded.
Oh. But there was a shortcut, she realized. Luna’s slowly closing eyes opened wide.
She could simply dreamdive into her own mind and examine it directly. It wouldn’t be much different from what she did every night, just for herself. All she would have to do was go inside and look around.
Maybe it was just the fatigue, Luna acknowledged that was a real possibility … but this seemed like a brilliant idea.
“We’ll sleep on it …” she mumbled. “Decide this evening.”
Sleep finally took her.
7607788
Oh. Would you like me to wait to read it while you finish editing?
7607793 I'm done now, you're good. Also:
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/9e/c5/70/9ec570b5a106272febabb83e20abac7a.png
Have a cookie for being first.
7607805
Thing is, I can't actually read it right now, but I will tonight!
The picture is from Luna Eclipsed, right? I just don't remember that picture from that episode.
7608133
Yeah, it's from Luna Eclipse. It's near the end, when she jumps out of the apple-bobbing barrel. I've seen that episode ... oh so many times ... I just watched it the other day, actually.
Alright I know I said I'd say something about this chapter but most of what needs to be said I already have. well written, great exploration of the mind of one of the least understood parts of transitioning. all in all I think your story is definitely one I'm going to keep track of
7607805
The minor complaint I had with the previous chapter does not apply to this one. Excellently done, and a very real interpretation.
7608729
Yeah, I get that. That was intentional, though; it's pretty rare that someone only has one thing they're worrying about, and in Luna's case, I knew I'd need to include her other problems. Besides, they're fairly important to the plot. But thanks for letting me know.
7609012
The exposition-heavy parts are most of why I was nervous about this one. They are important, I think, but they take up more space than I'd like. Weaving exposition in has never been my strong suit; I'm still working on it. With a bunch of that stuff out of the way, though, I can keep the next chapters tighter. If anything, I'm worried about rambling on too long.
My experience of dysphoria tended to be that way, too. Before knowing what was wrong, it felt very vague; disassociation, being closed off with people, not thinking much of myself ... pretty much exactly how I describe it here. I never really thought it had anything to do with my gender until long after I considered started presenting differently. It was kind of like 'Huh, I feel so much better for some reason ...'
7608760 That means a lot to hear. Thanks for that, I'm so glad you liked it!
7609053
Huh. I didn't get a notification when you tagged me. Weird.
7609064
7397092
I don't think the exposition was all that bad. It was interesting seeing how Luna rationalized everything that's happened to her.
7609064
7609136
I also haven't gotten any notifications I guess Fimfiction's glitching. But I happen to be something of a stalker and was curious if anyone else said anything about this story yet, so I wound up checking back anyway
Anyway, I also don't think the exposition was bad, I'm just more so looking forward to what happens now that it's out of the way. It was indeed interesting and we'll done, I certainly didn't mean to sound like I was complaining.
To hell with that whole 'brevity is the soul of wit' crap. I'm not saying it's impossible to too wordy, but honestly? Some of us like wordy stories (totes including myself in there). Rambling pointlessly? Bad. But so long as you prove interesting and the rambling has purpose, then take your time in explaining what you mean.
Aw yeah I'm a sucker for stories centered around trans headcanons. I'm really enjoying this so far and I'm looking forward to the next chapter
Me: Oh I'll read the other chapter tomorrow
Me: *spends like two weeks not reading next chapter*
Anyway, I've read it now and it's good stuff The interactions between Luna and Celestia remain natural and make for an entertaining chapter. The idea of Luna diving into her own dream sounds promising, curious where that winds up going.
You seem to have quite a bit of this planned out (if not all of it), any idea how long it'll run?
A few genetically nitpicks (because I'm ever the word nerd):
Should all have a comma between dialog and said tag, not a period. The third one is also missing a period after 'Luna remarked'
I'm a bit confused what the parentheses are for here I imagine it must be a stylization thing, because I can't think of a grammatical reason for them.
Of course, most readers wouldn't even think twice about these minor mistakes, I'm just very into grammar In any case, this is another well written chapter and I'll be looking forward to more
7641227 Alright, you've out-grammar-nerded me. Why ought those be commas instead of periods? They are complete sentences. Is it because the character continues talking after this point without making a new paragraph?
Parentheses around the ending punctuation denote sarcasm in some cases. Usually not in prose, I know, but I didn't think that was a rule, and I wanted it to be clear she was being snarky. I would like it if that came into more common usage; we could really use a widely-known textual representation of sarcasm.
I am trying a few ideas for how the personal dreamdiving is going to work; I haven't settled on the right way to describe it yet, but luckily there's a bit of precedent in the comics I can work with. As to how much of this is planned out, I roughly have the plot for the next five chapters, but that's subject to change if I think of a better way to tell the story.
7641627
The short simple answer is that said tags use commas while action tags use periods.
The longer explanation is that ' “I know exactly what you mean,” she whispered.' would all be one sentence, as said by the narrator. Imagine you're not writing this story, but telling it out loud directly to your audience. 'I know exactly what you mean' may be the entire sentence that Luna spoke, but it's now where you, the narrator, stopped your sentence. 'she whispered' is not a sentence unto itself, it's part of the narrator's sentence as a whole. This is why the 's' in 'she' is lowercase. Still use exclamation marks and question marks as normal, because those both denote something other than just the end of a sentence. Action tags are separate sentences, so those get periods between the dialogue and tag.
That's interesting about the (!), I never knew that. I'm certainly not too knowledgeable on poetry conventions And I agree, a clear indicator of sarcasm would be nice. I couldn't in good conscience say whether it's a rule or not, given that I've never encountered it before, but it's worth noting that prose has a lot more rules than poetry so it may well be. Personally, I'd show the sarcasm some other way ( 'Luna rolled her eyes. “Oh, thank you!” she grumbled sarcastically' or something like that), but I'm of the opinion that style > grammar, so if you want to use poetic conventions as a style I say go for it.
You've reminded me I need to get caught up on the comics, I don't think I've read any with something like that (I'm very behind on them lol). And awesome, glad to hear we've got a good bit more coming here I do so prefer longer stories, where we can really see the growth over time
7642541 I learned something new!
7641227
the editor's curse afflicts me as well.
conscience
7641627
7642541
The irony or sarcasm punctuation keeps being proposed and none ever get widely accepted.
Also, there's a section on the website's writing guide (in the FAQ menu) explaining said tags.
7643639 You have a good point, there.
Hmmmm.
You're worried about being too wordy?
You've done more here in three chapters than First Pony View has in the last eight, and with exponentially fewer words.
7664919 I'm going to go see what 'First Pony View' is.
7665026 Ehhhhh...
Whatever. Your frustration at its maudlin meandering and using thousands of words to essentially do absolutely nothing will either spur you on to an even better story or break you at the thought that an author would deliberately waste so much time.
I'm all for details and great description, but not repetitious navel-gazing.
You're still working on this, right? I've been on a bit of a roll with the transgender stories lately, and this and the one where Rarity and Applejack are foals are pretty much the only two I find really interesting. This is a good story, and I'm hoping you keep playing around with it. You might want to go look at some of her known activities to keep spinning the masculine traits, because she likes to gallivant about with a sword too, according to the comics.
I actually feel like you've done a good job portraying this, but you need to be less timid with it. You're probably trying to avoid the fetish territory, and that's good, but you do realize there is a sexual component of this you should bring up at some point... I'm really interested to hear what she's most or least dysphoric about, and sexuality is usually one of the things...
7724937 Oh, I am, a lot ... that's actually why it's taking so long. I promise, this will get done! It's just that it's a really important story to me, and I get sort of anxious sometimes when I try to write it. Do you ever feel like it's impossible to write a scene because you're too stressed about how it will turn out? That. But I am working on it, don't worry.
There is a side project dealing with sexual dysphoria, but if I do end up posting it, I would create a new story, rated M, to put the chapters in, and the plot won't depend on those chapters. Honestly, if I can get a little TMI, I have sexual dysphoria too, but it doesn't bother me as much because I'm mostly asocial and I've never had a relationship where that mattered. So I focused on other forms of dysphoria while writing because I have more experience with them.
Oh, fear not. Gallivanting about with a sword is already written into a later chapter.
7725047
You know you can mention sex in a 'T' story, right? It doesn't have to be M for her to mention that she's envious of male anatomy... Actually, you might be able to get away with it in an 'E' story. It kind of comes with the territory...
I'm going to note that this is one of the stories I'm checking back for new chapters of. Do you need an experienced editor?
7737874
I'm decent at being my own editor. And if not, Krickis can be relied upon to be a complete word nerd, not to mention some good catches from Cursed Quill. Why, are you offering your services?
7737935
Yes. I've been very useful for both proofreading and assisting in the writing of several popular fanfictions, including Starlight Over Detrot and Distorted Fate. I'm good at picking out plotholes and giving advice during writer's block, aside from being an excellent corrector of spelling and grammar.
I'd love to help with this story. ^!^
7737950 Well, okay! I've never actually worked with an editor before, but I'd love for your input. Once this next chapter gets written, I'll send it your way. Thanks!
FYI, I find it a little bit funny that you wrote the word plotholes as 'potholes' in your comment extolling your virtues as an editor. I'll be charitable and assume it was your auto-correct.
7737959
It was. I hate auto-correct. I don't usually use my phone to edit.
Do you use the integrated system on FimFiction for this, or should I send you my Gmail for Google Docs?
Checking in to see if there were any mentions of another chapter and:
Careful there, Artemis, I know you're excited by your new sword, but one still shouldn't go brandishing it about. These things are just not done in polite society
I'm sorry
I'm really not, but in all seriousness, I hope the writing is going well. I'm by no means trying to rush you, but I'm a little concerned by some of your comments that you're worrying a bit too much about perfectionism. "Finished, not perfect" is an important lesson for any content creator to keep in mind. Alternatively, if the wait is due to other life stuff (for example: idk what you do for a living, but the last three months of the year are hell in retail, as well as other jobs I'm sure) then by all means take care of what you need to take care of before worrying about ponies.7724937
Hey, I know that story
7846140
Oh, job stuff got in the way, for sure ... Christmas actually kind of sucked this year.
But the larger issue is that I'm still not very good at handling my emotional baggage. I guess it's a little personal for a FimFiction friend, but suffice it to say that if I feel too tightly wound or sad, I don't really know how to work through it and I can't write in that condition. It's been better lately, but ... bleh. Today I just couldn't shake it.
Don't worry about rushing me; it's actually good for me to hear this. I feel kind of okay knowing that you like these couple of chapters enough that you'd come back after I've been hesitating so long.
7846187
Sorry to hear about your Christmas, and about other problems you've got going on. And I feel you on how difficult it can be to write when you're feeling out of it. As someone who has gone through depression and still occasionally struggles with its lingering effects, I've certainly been there. I hope you know my inbox is always open if you feel like talking, be it about something bothering you, or just talking in general (lol we can nerd out about our favorite horses)
As for the story, it's definitely stayed on my mind. I've thought about asking how it's going before now, but it generally makes me feel like a pest to do that Glad to hear that I didn't come across that way, and I'm looking forward to seeing what chapter four brings us
7846187
As a huge Luna fan who is dealing with transgender stuff myself, I'm really enjoying the concept and portrayal here, and I'd really like to see what happens next. How does she realize it? How does she handle it? How does Celestia respond? It's all really interesting to me, and I keep looking at my favorite-list hoping this will be in the recent updates...
Ooooooo, it's another Trans Luna story! Delightful. I really like what you're doing here. I started writing mine well before the Tantabus episode, so I never got a chance to incorporate that (or didn't feel like re-writing to do so, anyhow.) It works really well, though. I hope you'll continue with this, I'm enjoying it.
7863865
I shall! And I'll read yours when I get home from work today. I noticed there was a little more traffic on this all of a sudden, and I guess now I know why: readers crossing to mine after reading yours. So that's cool!
I have to appreciate that you didn't take the easy path of making it so Luna was well, you know the narrative- "you can't understand me, you aren't like me, you can never understand me because people like you have a different history form people like me and so you can't understand people like me! No one understands!". No, Celestia could understand, just through a different situation. And what's more, its takes creativity to make characters able to relate over unrelated circumstances. Even if that situation had different implications and causes, it was nonetheless something that made Celestia able to empathize.