German Brony. Sits around, reads a lot and drinks hot tea. Not much more to say.
When Applejack reveales her innermost feelings towards Rainbow Dash, she has no idea what it will mean, or what will happen out of it. Will Rainbow accept her feelings? And even IF she accepts them, that doesnt mean everyone else will.
A story which isn't planned at all, and will (hopefully) evolve while written. :)
Page generated in 0.111 seconds
Total duration
878 users online
515,376 hits today, 2,167,270 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is a significant improvement over your first draft, DashApples. The spelling and grammar errors will get better with time, the more you write, and before you know it you'll be publishing polished prose like a pro! Good job!
6945721
Well, I got rid of most my errors because of your help. :) The tipps you have given to me helped me to improve a lot. It also made me remember some of the basic writing roules. So, thank you a lot for proofreading ;)
I think your title has been used already. Not 100% but better safe then sorry.
6945963
Hey there, thank you for telling :) I didn't knew it had been already taken, but it lighted up green when I've putten it in. Do you know what I should do? Change it or leave it?
6946079 I not 100% sure. So if it got the go light keep it.
6946089
Okay^^ Thank you.
DashApples
Aaaaaaalrighty, let's just get down to brass tacks right from the get-go. You ready? Cuz I'm ready. Let's do this.
This story is in dire need of work, and I'm gonna tell you where the big issues are and how to fix 'er up. You've already acknowledged that the grammar itself needs work, but I want to mention it again just to reinforce that idea. The story is rife with mistakes, most of which any capable proofreader would be able to point out to you. I suggest finding one ASAP.
The characters themselves aren't bad, but their dialogue is very wooden and flat sounding. They make me think they're reading from a script they were just handed ten seconds ago, and it makes for some really awkward interactions. Try to make the dialogue more organic, more natural, and for Christ's sake, dial back Applejack's accent. We all know what she sounds like and we'll automatically give her the accent in our heads.
Then there is the romance itself. Applejack likes Rainbow because reasons. I'd like to see them interact in a manner that would lead to a developing relationship. This thing requires buildup, otherwise the reader isn't going to buy it. Have some scenes that lead into the confession. Show the signs hat Applejack is falling in love with Rainbow and vice versa. Give the reader something to sink her teeth into so she can get invested in the story. There's not a whole lot of tension when the payoff happens almost immediately.
There's certainly more, but I've given you plenty to think on. Good luck!
Edit: Concerning the title, I'm reasonably sure that you're permitted to have the same title as another published fic, but do you honestly want to keep this one? "Rainbow Apples" strikes me as a fairly uninspired choice. A lot of authors do that--they take an attribute from each person in the ship and combine them to make a title, and I think it makes for boring, unoriginal material. What is it about your story in particular that sets it apart from the others? That's what you want to focus on when coming up with a title.
Not trying to judge.
Woah! Grammar isn't on point...easy to fix. Um the story was a bit played and over rated. Everyone has seen this plot before. Also the plot was so fast the reader (most likely) wouldn't want to keep up. I almost left the story, but I didn't because I wanted to see how it ended. The ending was sadly predictable.
Overall, I would just keep practicing. Practice makes perfect.
6946576
6946403
Im glad you two commented on the story and so help me to improve it :) . I know it's not that original, especially not the introduction has been used plenty of times. I just couldn't think of anything else. The second chapter is already written and I went over it a couple of times already, tryed to find every mistake im able to spot. So I will probably just publish it, and see were this leads to. I will definetly work on the plot, and try to improve it in future chapters.
Im not the most creative guy on earth, but I'll definetly give it as many shots as it needs to become a good story. What do you think? Taking the story off and completely rewrite it, or just carry on adding (hopefully) better chapters to it? If you guys have any idea on how else I could improve, id be really thankfull to know it.
Thankfull greets,
DashApples
6946948
Whatever you do with this story, you're the one who has to choose. I'll lay out the two most obvious paths here.
1. Full rewrite
Fully rewriting the story from scratch is generally a difficult prospect. In your case, however, it's not so bad, because you only have two chapters published for a total of 3k-ish words. In the rewrite, the first chapter would be drastically slowed down to account for a more realistically developing relationship, so that chapter would probably turn into a bunch. Heck, up until the confession could be half the story itself, because that's where a lot of the conflict takes place. Not to say that relationships are without conflict, but they generally have less mystique.
Anyway, the full rewrite wouldn't be terribly difficult.
2. Keep going and improve as you write
This is how I go about my writing. If I've published something, I won't change it except for tweaking it when I find something specific I don't like. Storylines, characterizations, etc. never change after it's been put up for the world to see. I like this method because it means I don't have to worry about shaping the story after it's up—I only need concern myself with what's wrong and what I'll do to avoid that problem in the future. It also provides an accurate timeline for your development as an author. My first story is god-awful, and while I wouldn't say my recent stuff is great, it's head-over-heels better than my early works. With every story I learn something else and get different criticism that I can apply to my next work so I'm constantly improving.
6947254
Yeah these are the only ways it could go from here. I think I will keep on going. I planned to focus on there life together more then on the confession anyway. I find these parts in storys more interesting, so I try to write what I could imagine their life as partners.
Thank you for your comment once again
Thankfully,
DashApples
6946948
You could do either. In the end it's up to you, after all you are the author.
Personally, I would take it down and rewrite it. Look at it tomorrow and correct all the errors. Also I suggest you read On Writing by Stephen King. That book helped me out a lot.
Have fun writing!
6947450
I had made up my mind about it and I think its best to leave it and just correct some parts im really not happy with. After all it's something I belived in. So, I will just continue the story. Once it's finished I will go to the next one, and actually take some time thinking about what to write. Also I will give that book a shot.
Thanks for your comment (again)
With thankfull greets,
DashApples