Pinkie Pie Tells A Story

by FeverishPegasus

Pinkie Pie's Story

6 hours until the apocalypse…

I woke up that morning in a daze, very confused as to why I was feeling the way I was. Every part of my body felt weird.

My twitchy-twich tail, pinchety-pinch knee, and fluttering eyelids told me a forbidden tale. The very antithesis of our existence on Equestria.

We would be erased.

But, thinking nothing of it, I took stock of my room for the millionth time.

There was Gummy on my bookshelf, still snoozing his cute alligator face off. All of my books rested in their particular places, not alphabetical mind you, but in the order I felt they should be in at the moment. The bookshelf rested against the corner to the front and left of my bed, slightly blocking the window I’d decided to create for myself.

To call it a window would be a stretch though, seeing as I didn’t have any glass put in the hole yet, much less a window frame. Just a small project I’d started about a week earlier with a handsaw I borrowed from Handyman Joe.

The door to the right of my bed was closed, locked safely and securely. Nothing beats cooping oneself at home after a crazy day outside where no pony can get to you. Well, besides the gaping window in my wall.

All of my walls were still the same color.

Pink.

Although some of it had faded a bit due to the sun shining through the window.

And the flies, the flies were really a problem at the moment. Making my own window seemed like less of a good thing now. They were really distracting.

The flies.

My floofy pillow looked as comfortable as it felt to sleep on it. Still, too much comfort is never a bad thing, so I decided to puff it up a bit more.

My blankets were starting to smell since I’d washed them about a week ago. I always woke up caked in sweat for some reason and that didn't help too much.

I could tell from the way the sun was shining through my window that it was still earlier in the morning, about one hour before my usual wake up time. It’s impossible to sleep when those random distress signals mess with your body.

Still, waking up was a good thing today, because there was a big party I had to prepare for and I could do with about sixty minutes of relaxation before becoming the social twitterbug that I was.

Sweeping sounds filtered under my door from where Ms. Cake was sweeping up the bakery floor. She always woke up early to set up shop. Nothing beats losing oneself to a mindless chore.

She always enjoyed it when I spoke.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet of old, slightly-congealed bread.

I always liked to use this little limerick on Ms. Cake, mainly because of how much she complemented me the first time. Use the the word ‘the’ twice and nopony bats an eye, but use a doozy like ‘congealed’ and you’ve got yourself an impressed pony. I guess Twilight would know more about that than anypony.

There was one part of the routine that I was forgetting, and I wasn’t about to leave the room until I remembered.

Flies.

Flies.

Flies.

Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies. Flies.

Those things were really starting to annoy me. They were making it very hard for me to remember the last part of my routine and I couldn’t go out until I finished.

What was it that I needed to remember?

Flies.

No, not that.

Flies.

Seriously, they’re not what’s important right now.

Gummy.

Already taken care of.

Faceless Gummy.

I didn’t mean what I said earlier literally.

Handjob Man.

For my information, Pinkie, it’s Handyman Joe. DON’T make that mistake in public.

Ceiling.

That’s what it was! Thanks me. I just needed to check out the six sides of the cube and I was done.

I looked up at the ceiling first. Big gooey globs of pink, as expected. The wall opposite me looked alright. The wall with the huge gaping hole in it, for the door, looked okay as well. I looked at the wall with the window.

It looked okay at first, but I noticed through my ugly window that Applejack was running through the streets. Which was unacceptable because if there were going to be any perturbations in the streets, I, Pinkamena Diane Pie, would have to be a part of them.

So, I jumped through my window without really thinking about how high the second story of Sugarcube Corner was.

It helped that Applejack broke my fall though, although she wasn’t too happy about it. Like seriously, she’s an earth pony for crying out loud. I’m just a common…oh.

Alright, so, even though Applejack was mad at me, we made up and she told me what shenanigans she wanted to participate in. Turned out there was a huge Apple Reunion going on and I hadn’t been invited!

She explained that although we were in the same family, Applejack wanted to have a special countryside-themed reunion with her side of the family, seeing as my family wasn’t too particular to that kind of thing.

It made sense, but surely she knew that I didn’t mind. But all’s well that ends well. Applejack made an honest mistake, and all I had to do was force myself into the event.

I asked if I could come, but she didn’t look too happy about it. She went on and on about how I wasn’t really invited, but if I wanted to come, she wasn’t going to stop me. Which just sounded like it was one of those secret invitations y’know?

It was almost like she was telling me I could come, but that I couldn’t let anypony know that she had invited me. Who knew Applejack was such a sneaky pony? I made sure to tell her that I most definitely was not coming to the reunion and that I would most definitely not bring a cake and that I would most definitely not…

Uh oh. She face-hoofed. Probably just to keep up the façade. I know you Applejack, I know your ways…

So to prepare for Applejack’s reunion, I ran straight for Sugarcube Corner so that I could make a huge, hunky, hot, hearty cake for my friendly family members. But let me tell you, making a cake is a lot of work. The one I made for the Canterlot Wedding took a whole thirteen minutes!

I mean yeah, it did go quicker than expected because of how used to baking I am, but still, I could’ve taken over the world in that time!

I didn’t want to make anything too extravagant, mainly because of how hard it was to move the cake I made for the wedding, so I just made a five layer apple frosted, apple scented, apple topped, apple filled cake. I’m not sure if the description of the cake gave it away or not, but I wanted to go for a very subtle apple theme.

This wasn’t just any apple cake though, for I had stored within it, a very special surprise.

Still, I wasn’t about to reveal any secrets, so I took the cake to the reunion straightaway.

When I got there, the Apple family was just about done with preparations. My Pinkie senses told me that the event would start in thirty minutes. It also helped that a huge banner, reading, Assemble at 8:00, hung right in front of me.

And that right underneath it, on the stage it was hung, a clock read 7:30.

I had to find the dessert stand quick.

All of the food rested on a bunch of picnic tables, but the desserts were partitioned at their own table about three feet away from the rest. It was full of Apple-related confectionaries, but all very much lacking compared to my cake.

These confectionaries had to give up some space and there was only one place for them to go.

On the ground of course. If the Apple Family was anything like mine, they wouldn’t mind eating things off the ground. I mean like, my family literally eats the ground.

I was careful to keep the desserts intact as I moved them, and when I’d finally finished creating my clever confectionary corral, I put my cake on the table with a resounding whump.

This got the attention of the other ponies at the event. Some shouted out with joy, them being the younger ponies, while others looked at me and resigned themselves to their fate, the old geezers.

I’d have to have a talk with them later. Who gave them the right to act so downtrodden in front of all of the young ones?! In my heart of hearts though, I felt like they actually liked me deep down, they were just acting that way because everpony expected them to.

Applejack trotted up to me, her footsteps a teensy bit rushed and erratic. She said something about how I’d actually come to the event, but her voice was deadpan.

Her secret invitation had gone perfectly! Why was she so snooty about it? From my one week of psychology classes I’d taken with Cheerilee, though, I think I knew the reason.

She was just stressed out by the event. The preparations were about done though, so she didn’t have to worry for much longer. This looked like one of those events that ran themselves when set up. There weren’t any games, booths, or building projects in sight, so things would get better for her.

And just like that, Granny Smith belched into her loudspeaker to start the event. Everypony gathered at the tables with a hunger developed by hard work. Whole cabbage heads ripped apart as ponies fought for first purchase of the food, but even by my standards, it looked savage. Like what pony in her right mind would throttle her own cousin over half a corn-cob?

Something was afoot, and Pinkie Pie the Detective would figure who do dund it. But if I’d learned anything from my last encounter as a detective, it’s that I couldn’t just go around throwing accusations. Although Applejack’s family was known for its roughhousing, something had to be driving these ponies crazy.

Poison joke, the mirror pool, a particularly bad rendition of ‘Equestria the Beautiful’? None of these seemed to be the source of extreme aggression. Perhaps Luna? She didn’t strike me as a pony that would do that sort of thing though. Enslave Equestria? Maybe, but toying with the emotions of ponies for no other purpose than one’s own personal enjoyment…

Discord.

Accusations. Accusations Pinkie. I couldn’t just go throwing accusations like that. Before locking up the perpetrator, it was important to have a nice, coltlike conversation about his innocence.

I screamed for Discord, hoping to summon him like the ponies do in stories.

Surprisingly, it worked.

Right next to me, Discord greeted me with his best impression of Rarity, fluttering his eyelids along the way.

But I wasn’t going to have any of that. The perpetrator of this injustice was going to pay, and Discord just had to be behind it. Along with a few other choice words, I decided to call him a conniving criminal.

At first, he looked really angry, but went back to normal pretty quick. He explained that he was with Fluttershy the whole time, and that she’d suddenly gotten really abusive for no reason.

My eyes gleamed with the byproducts of confirmation bias. The way he shifted from angry to neutral so quick, it had to mean he was guilty. He was even with Fluttershy when she first showed signs of aggression. So, under the jurisdiction granted to me by Celestia, I declared him under arrest, which turned out much easier than I’d prepared for.

Not only did he summon the handcuffs, but he put them over his own wrists, and in a mocking tone, claimed his guilt like the villain he was.

Applejack’s family was still going at it though, and Discord hadn’t done anything to stop them. I tried to give him a version of Fluttershy’s stare.

Just like I’d expected him to, he snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. If anything, it made the family worse.

I looked at Discord with an indicting glare, but his face was white. Frantically, he kept trying to snap his fingers, sweat pouring down over his face. He gave up after the tenth try, which made it pretty clear that his attempts were fruitless.

I asked him if he could summon a key for the handcuffs, but he just shook his head no.

Whatever had made Applejack’s family angry, was now interfering with Discord’s magic.

Now that I knew Discord was innocent, which was quite a surprise, I could go back to my investigations.

It didn’t take very long for me to find something odd. A smell quite unlike what I’ve experienced before wafted over the area. It reminded me of my mother when I was a child. She would always take me down to the darkest, stuffiest caves and rock me until I fell asleep.

The dusty smell of her mane is something I would never forget, at least for what remained of my life.

The most beautiful glowing blue particles drifted through the air above me, as well as the rest of the Apple family. As much I tried to avoid them, they clung to my fur, soothing each region of my tense muscles. I could still control myself, but I felt as though I’d just walked out of one of Rarity’s spa excursions.

Applejack’s family was docile now. Everypony profusely apologized for their actions with lazy hoof gestures and nods. It was pretty clear that the mist held calming powers, but why the sudden burst of aggression from before?

At this point though, I struggled to care. If it was possible to feel like this every day I would gladly take the sudden bursts of aggression every now and again. Just look how friendly everypony was now. Perhaps this was the end goal of Twilight’s castle.

My fur practically glowed blue at this point, and I had the strange urge to eat one of the things, which I did.

And just like I’d expected, it tasted exactly like cotton candy. Best of all, rock flavor.

I tried to tell Discord about the fantastic tastes, but he was already way ahead of me. He was gobbling those specks by the mouthful. I heard him go on and on about chocolate flavored chaos, which did sound pretty good, but yet another thing caught my attention.

Something that looked like the moon was expanding in the sky. It kept getting larger and larger until eventually, a small red border outlined the massive shape. It took me a moment to realize that the massive rock wasn’t expanding, but falling.

Right towards me. So accurately in fact that I would probably get squished before getting incinerated by the impact.

I wanted to run away, but there was no way I could escape in time and it was my sole duty to tell everypony of their doom.

So like the brave pony I was, I stood on top of the family reunion picnic table and announced to the masses below, that we were all going to die! Still, afterwards I told them that nopony should panic. Like, no one wants to die screaming and scrambling for cover.

My soothing words didn’t have the effect I intended. Everypony screamed and scrambled for cover, even though most of them knew it was fruitless.

Seriously, what ponies waste the last seconds of their life filled with dread and sorrow? It’s such a bad way to go.

Aaaaand boom! We all died.

---

“What?!” a small runty foal named Little Pip exclaimed. “How is it you’re even telling this story?”

“Telling what?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“This story. If you died in your story, you wouldn’t be alive now.”

She smiled at that. “Well, that goes to show you just how complicated it is finding your cutie mark.”

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading!