It is a sunny day in the state of Washington. Two friends, Garrett and Sam, are in school, eating lunch in a white hall with blue rubber trimming at the bottom, next to a band room, listening to the crappy music as they wait for lunch to end. They are quite bored. Garrett flips his hair out of his eyes, and decides to strike up a conversation.
“Hey, Sam! What’s up?” Garrett asks.
“Oh, not much. How about you?” responds Sam.
“Well, I just got ourselves two tickets to Everfree Northwest!”
“No way! I thought those sold out a long time ago.”
“You’re correct! But I have...connections…” said Garrett, in a sneaky tone.
“Well, we should probably get going!”
Upon the end of the lunch period, Garrett & Sam snuck out of the back door of the high school, thanks to the less-than-satisfactory security personnel on hand, ready to go to the horse convention. However, something was...off about the outside. The colors seemed faded, much more than usual, thanks to the frosty, chilly weather of Washington’s winter months. In addition, they saw something extremely out of place, a television. An old, decrepit CRT, box television, weighing in at several hundred pounds.
“What’s that doing out here? Shouldn’t that be in a classroom?” queried Garrett.
“I don’t know, but we don’t have to be a the con for a little bit, let’s check it out.” responded Sam.
Once they walked over to the television, somehow, it turned on, though it wasn’t connected to anything. Displaying a harsh static visual, a low, grumbling noise was heard, growing from almost inaudible to a deafening noise.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?” yelled Garrett.
“PROBABLY FROM THE TELEVISION, GENIUS!” sassed Sam.
The television began to glow brightly, and begun to pull the two inside with an extreme, painful force.
Garrett & Sam then land in a strange, foreign looking castle.
“Ugh, where are we?”, groans Sam, looking up from his fall.
“Seriously, dude? Look around! It’s Celestia’s castle!” responds Garrett.
“Yeah, but MLP is just a TV show we watch. It’s not re---” Sam is cut off once he took a look.
“My goodness, it’s real.”
A soft, but forceful voice was then heard.
“Hello. You two have been brought here for a very, very special reason, I can assure you.” responded the voice.
“Who is that?” said Garrett.
“You know who it is” responded the voice.
“Oh, Celestia.”
“Well, why are we here? Isn’t this entire place, like, a television show?” asked Sam.
“In your world, our universe is nothing more than a show on your televisions. However, this world is as real as either of you two. But, that’s hardly relevant right now. Like I said, I’ve brought you two here for a good reason. Discord wanted to see how humans adapt to living in an alternate dimension for some time, and we lost a bet…” said Celestia.
“But, what about our families back home? Won’t they get really, really worried about us?” worries Sam.
“Fear not. Time has been frozen in your universe. No matter how long you stay here, nobody will know the wiser back on Earth”
“Well, alright.”
Celestia then orders the castle guards to teleport the two into Ponyville, ignoring the questions coming from Sam and Garrett.
Garrett & Sam land on the soft ground of the Ponyville square, disrupting the town.
“Who are those strange ponies?” one villager says.
“Wait, are those two from around here?” another responds.
“Ouch, Celestia really has to figure out a better way to teleport us. That hurt.” says Garrett.
“Yeah, they need to work on th--” Sam says, immediately covering his mouth.
“Well, hello there” Garrett said, his voice deepening.
“Garrett, you know who I am” Sam says, unamused.
“Sorry ma’am, but I don’t think I know anyone who sounds like that, but I'd love to get to know you.” Garrett said, giving a sly smile.
“It’s Sammy...” says Sam, rolling his eyes, due to the nickname Garrett gave him.
“Oh, woah! Sorry, man, you don’t sound yourself!” Garrett says, with a blush.
“Oh my god, what is happening. Am I….a mare?”
“Well, your mane is blue, and you’re brownish. You also seem to be a pegasus” says Garrett, pointing to Sam’s wings.
“Misty Showers, my OC!” Sam yells.
“Uhm, well as for you, you’re a really dark unicorn, your mane is really short, like, you’ve never even brushed it.” Sam says.
“I’m Ombre!” says Garrett.
“Well, why would Celestia make us our OC’s? That seems really weird. And above all…why would she use my mare OC? I know it’s the one I use the most, but this is going to get weird.”
“Maybe she wanted to make us something we could relate to? And, our OCs are a lot like us. I don’t know.”
Garrett and Sam, in the bodies of their OCs, trotted around Ponyville, desperately trying to find where their home was, as Luna was already raising the moon.
“Did Celestia even say where our home was?” asked Sam.
“No, I don’t believe she did. Looks like we’ll just have to find it” responded Garrett.
“Just a hunch, I think it might be that one.” said Sam, pointing at the house that had “MISTY AND OMBRE’S HOUSE” written on a sign in front of it.
“Ponyville’s not much for subtlety, eh?” said Garrett to himself.
They trotted into their new home, Sam taking note of their surroundings. This house was a pretty nice looking house, given the circumstances. A quaint, quiet feeling left the two feeling positive. The house was pretty short, only a single story, but it was quite liveable, with a large living room, a single bedroom, and two bathrooms.
“Wait, why is there only one bedroom?”, asked Sam.
“Because...um...Discord is...weird, I suppose” Garrett questioned all ideas leaving his mind.
“That's not a very good answer, to be frank.” Sam said.
“I have no idea then.” Garrett said, seemingly defeated.
“Well, let’s go get settled. Looks like it’s already night-time, anyways.”
The two found the bedroom. The bed was nice and fluffy, very comfortable. However, Garrett seemed uncomfortable sleeping with his friend, so he instead took to a box he found to the side of the bed. Sam jumped into the bed, ready to worry endlessly about meaningless things.
Alright, let’s think this over. I’m a mare, first of all. Like, what? I’m a mare. I still can’t believe it. I’m a mare. But even weirder, this all feels...natural. I’m the opposite gender, in a world I just found out exists today, with my best friend, and it all feels normal. Something very, very weird is happening here. Sam thought to himself.
I need to get some air.
Sam then hopped out of bed, opened the window, and took to the skies. Meanwhile, back at their home, Garrett was doing some very different things.
“Whuh?” Garrett said as he heard the window open.
“Have a nice flight, I suppose.” He said after the newly turned mare was out of earshot. He got out of his box and went downstairs, realizing he wasn’t going to fall back asleep.
Ever land on a television show half way over?- You have no idea what is going on, but the characters keep giving hints to another story and it just feels like a huge inside joke?
This is that....In fiction form.
The start was well...rushed and flat.
You start a scene and then just abandon it!-I'd point out the lack of scene building and landscape development here...But it's over so quickly I mean should I even acknowledge it?
Then here comes the " Scene Change." I say this because it just kind of happened....no build up nor a true description ...it just happens.
Celestia then says she did this once before?-I thought I'd go and read that tale first and maybe this would make more sense, but no there is just this story.
Referencing another story which doesn't fill in any blanks, if anything causes more questions.
The lack of pacing and detail just makes me feel loopy.
I'd jump into Story, Character Development and World building.
But I just won't...
I'm not saying this to be mean or anything. I only give review comments when I truly find something that catches my eye, I want to give tips that might help you out later.
Imo stories have five points they need to hit, doing this will ensure a great story no matter what the content.-You will at least leave with a smile, knowing you might just find a fan somewhere out there.
Pacing.
Detail.
Character Development.
World Building and...
Story!
Work on finding these and crafting a world to be enjoyable by the reader!
It will take a lot of time and practice, but in the end will go a long way.
Example.
Pacing: A story needs to flow on a even scale, can a story have perfect pacing?-Very rare. The trick is to find a nice balance to tell your tale with. Go too fast and you cause the reader to feel confused and meh. Go too slow and the reader gets bored.
Take your time and keep a nice balance between, What needs to be said, world building, character development and what needs to happen. Practice and you will figure it out.
Detail: This is important!- give us detail to the story, this is not just a tool to say what someone is wearing or what the character is feeling. It can be used to create a world!!!- bring us into the story, let us feel we are being brought along on this adventure the characters are having.
Be careful too much detail can hurt a story, again find the balance.
Character Development: This is a big one!!!!- Develop your characters- who are they?, what type of person are they? what motivates them? why should we care about them? -Build your character!- it takes time and most people find this boring and like work, why so many write about pre-made characters such as the mane six. If using a Oc be prepared to build the character and not just jump into the fray. Because if you don't care about your character, why should we?
World Building: A huge mistake a lot of writers make is that they think the world itself is not a character. Wrong!-The story should have three at most imo world building locations you will place a foundation and build upon. These places once chosen, you should bring life to them!!!
Give us history of the place, show us its quirks and most of all tie your story to each part, it's alive and now let us know why!!
Last Story!- This is the overall goal of a story, it involves a big one again known as Plot!- A plot is a problem setting up what is the goal, the story will follow this theme or outline and lead to the conclusion. While the story is the travel part of the tale, using each step above to build upon the start,middle and ending!
A good story needs to be crafted with care, if you fail to use at least 75% of the things needed to create a tale, then it will never lift off the ground.
This is the hardest to do, but if you love your craft then practice and grow better!
As this story is now.-I'd say it is not using at least 85% of what a story should use. overall leading to a story that feels flat.
I'm not being mean at all!- I think you need to just polish this story up and work on the craft a bit more. No story at that a first story will be perfect!-But a first story is a great time to hit the ground running!
Build upon what you have and just have fun, all the while trying to improve what you have at the moment.
I clicked on this story because I felt it had promise, I hate that people think Oc stories are just auto-bad, I think with care they can be great pieces of work that can show us something magical!
I'd be happy to help you two when I can, I get a bit busy but if you ever need someone to look over your story, In a creative way I mean, I'm hit and miss with grammar points.
But can build a fair story!- I'd be able to help build the characters and give tips from a creative story point to make the tale better. If interested just let me know.
But again I'd still like to see where this goes. That said I'm following and bookshelfing this story. I want to keep a eye on it and see where it plays out.
Holy crap! That was... quick.
Constructive critique: pace it. And maybe a bit more description.
6888150
I did. Nice improvement. Though, I have to ask: when Celestia says she froze time, shouldn't they worry that they'll age before they go back? After all, they didn't know they were going to become theirs OCs.
6888053 Spacing is a bit crunched up, might want to work on that a bit, so the readers have it flow nicely to thier eyes.
Skating.
Here is a example of excellent spacing in a story!- The spacing in this story wasn't bad per se, I've seen a lot worse.
Hmmm what to say about this re-write.
Pacing was a little off again...but that is in part of delving right into the action, makes the story feel snappy in pace. But oddly enough the home scene and the night scene was paced really well. Gives me a hint of good story to think maybe the pacing will even out now that the transformation is out of the way.
Detail was an improvement.- Though in a few places it did drag just a bit, but not really enough to bug me. But a vast improvement overall, though the characters stopping to tell eachother aloud what they look like...was weird and broke the pacing in that scene.
Character development and world building was here a bit. Too early to say for sure, but vs the last it was done better. I have a feeling Garett is a bit more developed and his scenes flowed a bit better than Sam's. just my thoughts.
Overall the story was still rushed a bit, the pacing was still lightning fast and the plot is still a bit of a mystery. But place this draft of the story against the the first, I'd choose this one every time.
I had fun reading this...again.
Keep practicing you can only get better!- again this was a vast improvement so kudos.
This story ain't half bad.I hope you can improve your skill and upload the next part.I can't wait.