Everywhere I go, Bronies always know that Jacob Keel has got a pony that he loves to show.
I can remember the day she said those words I never wanted to hear like it was yesterday; sometimes it disappears, but it just pops up again. And no mare has ever lived up to her either.
But that was before the incident in the Doctor's basement. Now that I have the chance to do everything right, I won't let her slip through my hooves again- if I can make it to that night without screwing it up.
Page generated in 0.093 seconds
Total duration
886 users online
1,244,565 hits today, 2,364,530 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I think you did an even better job with this first chapter than most featured stories! Interesting, very catching, right on the tail end there a nice cliffhanger. Do you write for any other sites? I'll fave this for now, and like it and watch you.
Great start, I'll say. I shall be watching this story. :)
The only complaint I have is the 3rd to last paragraph, the verb tense conflicts with the rest of the passage.
I'll have to see how this turns out.
763775
Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate that you took the time to comment. I don't write anywhere else, but I've been thinking about it. Really, this is the first time I've ever written in first-pony tense.
763802
I probably should have mentioned that that was interior monologue. I'll put it in italics.
-SoI
i find this story very well written, and i enjoyed it higly
and also good luck!
Alright I'm sorry for the long upload time with this one. I really did want to get this out there, but it's really important to me that all the characters stay... well... in character. Plus I have to check for plot holes and other things like grammar and spelling. Then there's the fact that I hated the way this was going after I had it 60% written the first time. Either way, it's finally here, and I hope that you enjoy the fruits of my "labor" (that's a laugh).
Also, remember this: I live on ratings and comments. It doesn't matter if it's criticism or compliments, but please make it constructive if you do choose to point something out.
-SoI
"Well, I went to that plothole of a stallion Grape had hooked me up with. You know what he said?"
Whoa- that was unexpected. Vinyl had always seemed so happy around him. Granted, I almost never saw them together, but... "What did he say?"
When Vinyl says that, is she talking about Grape or the other guy?
868537
She's talking about the one Grape hooked her up with. Do you have any suggestions for clarifying it a bit more?
-SoI
Hm, I thin this chapter was better than the previous one. More emotional, and more contact with other characters. I think one thing you did really well was give us an idea of how each character is like, while at the same time not giving away too much depth. That is skill, man. Pure skill. You're a real writer, it's in your blood. It's like how I'm good at wording so that something can sound comedic, tragic, or epic simply by switching a few words here and there. Grammar for me is also a strong point. For you, you sound like you can really connect with your characters, which is amazing.
Take your time when writing, and never rush. Rushing results in a poor fanfic, as all the details are left out. Yours has just the right amount of detail, so I can tell that you worked pretty hard on this fanfic. If you're like me, you write much better when a sudden burst of inspiration appears in your head. That's when I tend to write chapters in two hours. I wait for the burst for like, two weeks, and then pop, an idea, write it down in 30 min. Heh heh heh.
Really good job, just take your time and really, please don't feel like the readers are pushing you into something you don't want to do. Enjoy your writing. Have fun.
~Muffinz
869017
You could try "Do you have any idea what (his name here) said to me?", "Guess what Who's-His-Mane called me?", or have Pizzacoto [I'm a musician so I feel bad not being sure about how to spell that] ask about who she's talking about.
Those are just ideas. You could mix those ideas toghether, if not I hope you cab draw a SPARK of Inspiration from them.
I'm sorry about the long upload times with this one. I tried to get it out, but it just wouldn't read well to me. I hope it does the last chapter justice.
If it doesn't, just tell me and I'll fix what you find. I want this to be as good as it can possibly be, and I can't do that without your help. Just point out awkward sentences, spelling and grammar errors, or any plot holes. (Hint: I like people doing this for every chapter.)
If you like this story, then leave a rating behind. I thrive on watchers, favorites, likes, and comments! Maybe even compliment something if you can't find anything wrong- which I highly doubt you'll be able to do. I'm far from perfect, and I understand that you're just helping me write the best story possible.
Once again,
-SoI
More plz? this story is freaking awesome!!!
1323886
I'm glad you see it that way. And trust me, I'm trying to write out this next chapter as fast as I possibly can.
-SoI