Hey! I'm Peppermint! I'm a pegasister from England and I write fanfics from time to time!
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Flim and Flam have done it again. They've opposed Applejack. This time, they've built themselves a bed and breakfast smack bang in the middle of her farm. Applejack doesn't approve of this and goes to see them... only to discover that they are hiding a dark secret involving a pony she's seen before.
Cover art by misfithorse.
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This story made me feel sick, but in an interesting way. I don't think it's too outlandish to say that what the brothers in your story are doing is acceptable by any means. It's disgusting, but I love it at the same time. In case I am being to ambiguous, I'm saying that I enjoy this story. Please keep it up.
6860654 Thanks so much for the comment!
Good fanfiction,amy its Mia and im new to this and hopefully i'll get 2 write some fanfiction in the future ;)
Confession time: I actually thought the nozzle of that can was going to go where the sun don't shine. This was indeed worse.
This is interesting. Not sure if I like the idea of the twins getting so fat, or, well, Silver Shill being eaten alive, but this is at least very unique, and it's caught my attention. It's a real pity it doesn't have more comments, cause I'd love to see what other people think of it.
6880794 With regards to your confession, I need to find a GIF of them slowly backing away (from Leap of Faith) because that idea actually sounds kind of funny. Not that I'd write it of course.
And with regards to the comment itself, I agree that it needs more comments because it's so unusual and people react well to things that are unusual.
6881449
Like this?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/3/30/588725__safe_animated_screencap_hub+logo_carrot+top_golden+harvest_amethyst+star_sparkler_flim_flam.gif
So, you wouldn't write it? I find that strangely hilarious. People's limits when it comes to fiction are always interesting.
6886952 You actually found a gif of that? I tried to find one but couldn't.
And no, I wouldn't write that scene because for one I'm not sure how it would play out, and it seems to go against Flim and Flam's characters in this as far as I'm concerned.
Just read your self promotion, so I'll be rating the story, mate!
However, I've already seen a HUGE problemo.
1- Your Bio
2- Lack of a Picture (not mandatory)
When you write a bio, I'll be brutally honest, no one cares about personal details. This bio is pretty much a blog post about your opinions. So, instead of this, write a hook.
Something that'll make a possible reader have no choice but to read.
Pictures help a story a great deal. Look at it from a reader's perspective, do you usually read stories with no picture? Does the picture have an effect on your decision to read a story? And so on.
That's why authors usually commission pictures from neat artists all the time.
I suggest following this group. And this is a tidbit for making a better description.
Now to go on with readin' this thingy!
6861385
7007593 I have no idea what kind of picture to include, to be honest.
EDIT: bio changed.
7007767
Would you like for me to make you a picture then? 40.media.tumblr.com/9b9a4df890abc9a73a04a39dccaf1984/tumblr_o3op7ovlaf1uq2vuco1_1280.jpg
40.media.tumblr.com/d6286b7af3e252a07959f8f70a022f2b/tumblr_o3op7ovlaf1uq2vuco2_1280.jpg
^ just some samples of what I do
7007807 That's so kind of you! I was planning on drawing a cover myself but you draw much better than I do. I'd be really grateful if you could provide cover art, though!
7007956
Alrighty! I'm on it!
7008119
I'm gonna be brutally honest with you, darlin'. Why? It's for your own benefit, I assure you. It doesn't mean I don't respect you or anything like that, I think the world of you already, in fact that's exactly why I'm even bothering to help.
So when there's those new artists/writers/etc, they always ask for criticism.
What happeneds? People try avoid hurting feelings, and say "it's really great" or something along those lines. It doesn't help the artist whatsoever. In fact, it may even stunt their growth. Tough love, it's something extremely helpful if executed correctly.
I just hope you don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to help you as much as possibly.
You've been warned :V
So far I've only read chapters one and two. There's a couple major problems with them, in all honesty, it ruins the story completely. It's a shame too, cause there isn't many kidnapping stories here.
She* Shill plainly stated how it was a female.
But, Flam, she didn't say anything to you yet?
By God! He has a super ability to tell lies to the two best liars in Equestria, even though he's obviously nervous, it's amazing! Also I've noticed how the brothers are speaking in a really refined manner, why? That completely goes again their speech patterns and mannerisms. They're old timey themed swindlers.
Is this a Silver Shill torture porn? And Teary Dispair? Yikes, talk about depressing. Sounds like a failed Creepypasta. The title should act as a hook, everything you see before reading the story should be a hook. When you make a story, don't make your characters, well, out of character. I dislike that slack jawed twat as much as the next guy, but there also has to be some hope in a story like this.
And Applejack didn't notice a thing because: she's brain dead.
My dear Flim, could you not see the farm pony in front of you face? The mare you despise? If you're being sarcastic, at least make it obvious, you chubby bunny. This makes you look mentally challenged.
Why would he ever acknowledge that he's a slave? Are there other ponies that come around? Like those who enjoy using this meat sack like pony, it's the only way that this could be explained. In fact, it could very well be an interesting piece of info to add.
Well I'm gonna stop here! I'd like to say some things. This story could be utterly amazing IF executed just right. On YouTube, look up Kidnapping stories. Try Lazy Masquerade or Be Busta.
At one point, shill could even develop a bizarre form of Stockholm syndrome. That'd be interesting.
If you see an anorexic (or at least frail), crying, and bleeding man, would you think everything is okay? Applejack understands the obvious, so why is she reacting this way?
Characters need to be in character. Also, shill is a grown man, why has he obliged to do this? Earth ponies can easily take on unicorns, they're thicker and heavier. Unicorns on the other hard, especially these, are skinny and light. Not as skinny and pegasi though.
Make it realistic, this includes the emotion and the reactions. I sincerely hope this helps, you have a pretty good story idea and all that jazz. It'd be a shame if it turns out silly, I have much faith in you!
6861385
7008155
Also heyO.
7033072 Thanks a bunch for the art!
On to the comment. I laughed. A lot. Anyway, the first point.
[quoteShe* Shill plainly stated how it was a female.]He meant to let Shill in, but oh well. I guess you can read it like that.
She said she wanted to congratulate them, he was referring to that.
To be honest I think they knew she wasn't important the whole time. The speech patterns? Well, I know how they speak now, which is why I'm re-writing the fourth chapter.
You're not going to like chapter three.
That she is. Wow, I really should edit this.
He was trying to be sarcastic but this was the time when I could never be bothered to use italics.
Why would he mention that? Good question. And good idea. That will be a piece of info to add.
I really must remind myself what Stockholm syndrome is, I know what it is but I keep forgetting.
It's sort of been reversed. If Shill is now the light one and the twins are the heavy ones, it would be impossible for him to do anything to them.
That should cover it all. This might come off as sort of rude, but it's really difficult to sound nice when typing. I'm glad you were able to spot the errors and that you're the first person to do so!
7035948
Well, anyway, I can't wait to see where this story goes! Also, Stockhold syndrome is when a captive (of a kidnapping) becomes fond of their captor. This could happen through a variety of ways, it could even be self induced!
Example;
Captive is being groomed by their captor, and so they don't fall into a depression, they convince themselves that they enjoy being with their captor.
Or, they think their captor needs them.
7035982 I'm going with "they think their captor needs them" since that makes more sense.