Apart from the REALLY scary tags, that story seems to have potential. However, you need a proofreader. Badly.
No offense, but English isn't my first language and I was troubled at times because of typos ^^' Also, may I suggest you to use more synonyms and describe scenes a bit more? It felt...rushed...
I don't want to give you the wrong idea, I liked this story. I just think it needs lots of polish.
Ok.... i'm going to watch this just to have a full view on this story. Begining is quite deterrent for me. Whole conversation Son-Father looked more like normal joking with each other. I am suprised that it was supposed to be a heart breaking scene.
You can't get the punctuation right in your summery, and you didn't capitalize names. I don't have much faith in your story at all. You're grammar is atrocious, also.
Seems promising but you need to get a pre reader, badly! You should also work on fleshing out the scenes a bit more. And slow your pace. It's going too fast. Implement this and it should be alright.
this is so thrown out of wack, clear you're mind and think, go back revise...more than once (it always helps) christ this was hard to read (no offense), also try using vivid descriptions, not to the point where it gets rediculous like some other stories but the more detail, the better. ALSO:
“More?” those words told me that they already encounter other humans but they were not the friendly type. For a second, I told myself ‘Who would hurt such gentle creatures’. I shook my head bringing (Please insert 'myself' here) back to reality. I had to get them to trust me. “Not all humans are bad. Only a few of them has their heart corrupted with greed.” I explained to her but she still feared me.
Now, put yourself in Shy's shoes or horseshoes. (“Not all humans are bad.) The first question on my mind would be wtf is a human? (Only a few of them has their heart corrupted with greed.”) oh yeah, thats really gonna calm me down, my friends dying, im cold, tired and hungry and to top it off you are explaining something to me that I don't understand.
I would explain to her/say something like "Its okay, I promise you I am not going to hurt you, I'm here to help". and lead to "Look, you're friends in a pretty bad shape, I need to take a look at her so that I can help her. Is that Okay?" Please please please go back and take a look at the story.
I loved so far of my famly knows i lov anime all thins cartoon and trust m that was awkward when most of them see i love mlp they just treat it like one more cartoon.I feel sorry that his famly isn't the same.it was a awesom first meeting i can't wait yo see what happens next.
Human? Injured Twilight and Fluttershy? Mature tag?
I'm kinda scared here
Tracking. Hoping it's going to be good.
705217 me too
Cookie cutter start not impressed yet.
If the creepy description wasn't bad enough, the shoddy grammar is. I'm not touching it.
I laughed incredibly hard at this line
"So are you finish fapping to your ponies"
I mean what?
a nice start one or two spelling mistakes but i like it hope to see this continue
Apart from the REALLY scary tags, that story seems to have potential.
However, you need a proofreader. Badly.
No offense, but English isn't my first language and I was troubled at times because of typos ^^'
Also, may I suggest you to use more synonyms and describe scenes a bit more? It felt...rushed...
I don't want to give you the wrong idea, I liked this story. I just think it needs lots of polish.
Sound fishy but who cares
Heavy approves this story... just barely
Ok.... i'm going to watch this just to have a full view on this story. Begining is quite deterrent for me. Whole conversation Son-Father looked more like normal joking with each other. I am suprised that it was supposed to be a heart breaking scene.
meh it seemed alright, i just want to see what happens now just please work on grammar n spelling and u should be fine
You can't get the punctuation right in your summery, and you didn't capitalize names. I don't have much faith in your story at all. You're grammar is atrocious, also.
keep going
I see potential but could use serious work in grammar and punctuation.
Seems promising but you need to get a pre reader, badly! You should also work on fleshing out the scenes a bit more. And slow your pace. It's going too fast. Implement this and it should be alright.
705217
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/311/672/29c.jpg
Be afraid... be very afraid.
IN A CARDBOARD BOX!
this is so thrown out of wack, clear you're mind and think, go back revise...more than once (it always helps) christ this was hard to read (no offense), also try using vivid descriptions, not to the point where it gets rediculous like some other stories but the more detail, the better. ALSO:
“More?” those words told me that they already encounter other humans but they were not the friendly type. For a second, I told myself ‘Who would hurt such gentle creatures’. I shook my head bringing (Please insert 'myself' here) back to reality. I had to get them to trust me.
“Not all humans are bad. Only a few of them has their heart corrupted with greed.” I explained to her but she still feared me.
Now, put yourself in Shy's shoes or horseshoes. (“Not all humans are bad.) The first question on my mind would be wtf is a human? (Only a few of them has their heart corrupted with greed.”) oh yeah, thats really gonna calm me down, my friends dying, im cold, tired and hungry and to top it off you are explaining something to me that I don't understand.
I would explain to her/say something like "Its okay, I promise you I am not going to hurt you, I'm here to help". and lead to "Look, you're friends in a pretty bad shape, I need to take a look at her so that I can help her. Is that Okay?"
Please please please go back and take a look at the story.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4tcvlUWkL1rqtegbo1_500.png
To put it in simple terms, this is a very interesting start, looking forward to seeing more chapters! :)
I will find myself a proofreader and I will remake the first chapter but it will take time so be patient.
the plot of the story was interesting but it seemed rushed and some bits didn't make much sense because of the typos or missing words
this was a bit rushed but i never judge based on the first chapter. it has a lot of potential and i'd like to see where this goes.
No way in hell are my parents going to find out im a clopper... plus my dad isnt a dick like that
I loved so far of my famly knows i lov anime all thins cartoon and trust m that was awkward when most of them see i love mlp they just treat it like one more cartoon.I feel sorry that his famly isn't the same.it was a awesom first meeting i can't wait yo see what happens next.