It was a cloudy and muggy day at Trottingham High, most students would be depressed by the weather as it would most likely rain today as the students were rushing in from the storm, all except one. This student was standing in the middle of the courtyard staring up into the sky with just a small smile on his face as he just listened to sounds of nature all around him, the student had pale brown skin, crimson to ruby based color eyes, and obsidian black hair. He was wearing a navy blue and green striped hoodie, black to a dark grey jeans, purple and black sneakers and a messenger bag on his back. The student just stood there in the area as it soon began to rain lightly as drop by drop landed on his head but all he could do was smile as a voice came “Tiberious!” The voice called as the student now known as Tiberious looked for the voice as he then laid eyes on was a female student, She had golden yellow eyes, long brunette hair and light green skin. She was wearing a black jacket as dark as midnight, a medium long lavender skirt with black and white tennis shoes. Tiberious kept his smile and called back “Hey Junebug! How you doin?” Tiberious asked as Junebug smiled a bit and laughed a little “I'm doing great, but why are you in the rain? You'll catch a cold come on.” Junebug had said as she motioned to the door telling him to come inside, Tiberious nodded and walked inside the building and out of the rain.
The two started to walk down the hall and looked around the school a bit trying to keep the schools map in mind since the school had only one in the front office, the school itself was like a normal school but a bit more…. rundown. The ceilings and floors were cracked a bit as some of the walls were chipped but the school was just a typical school as the place was two stories tall and could hold around ten thousand students. Tiberious and June bug walked around a bit as the bell began to ring signaling that classes were going to start soon and everyone should get to class Tiberious and Junebug gave a quick hug as they separated to get to class on time, Tiberious then walked to his first class world history. He then walked in as the class was filled with around thirty to forty students as he then walked in the teacher spoke up “You’re one of the new students?” He had asked as Tiberious nodded shyly to the teacher as he then spoke again “Alright well I am Mr. Crocker, welcome to world history please introduce yourself as well have you ever heard of…. FAIRES!?” Mr. Crocker asked as Tiberious shook his head as he then walked to the front of the class and spoke “Um… hi i’m Tiberious Silverfang, I like to draw landscapes and people, I like to play the piano and I really like to listen to music.” Tiberious said as someone rose their hand and asked “What kind of music you like?” The student asked as he spoke “Uh, well I like heavy metal, gothic rock and punk rock.” Tiberious said as he then looked at the teacher who was sleeping on his desk as Tiberious asked “Uh…. Mr. Crocker?” Tiberious asked as he then jolted awake and yelled “FAIRY-GOD-PARENTS!” Mr. Crocker yelled as he launched his computer off of his desk as it broke on the ground, he then looked around and began to apologize as the class waved it off as Tiberious then sat down at a desk as Mr. Crocker began the lesson.
Time Skip: Lunch
Tiberious was sitting with his lunch alone at a table as no one would sit with him since he was new to the school but most of the students already knew him since elementary school but had moved on with new friends. Tiberious was eating an egg roll, rice, a roll and a soda as he was also working on some of the school work he had gotten as then someone sat next to him, it was Junebug as she had a small smile on her face that Tiberious thought made her look cute as he tried to hide his blush as she then asked “Hey Tiberious, how come you eating alone?” Junebug asked as Tiberious responded “I had work to do as well no one wanted me to sit with them.” Tiberious said a little sad as Junebug then said “Well their loss, I like sitting with you.” Junebug said holding the same smile as Tiberious nodded as the two ate their lunches and talked a bit as they laughed a bit at some jokes and passing the time. Soon lunch ended as Junebug then asked “Hey Tiberious, um if you're not busy after school, do you want to… hang out?” Junebug asked Tiberious as she had a small blush on her face as Tiberious gave a small smile and nodded as Junebug then nodded, the two had then got up and made their way to their final classes but soon Tiberious got a phone call from his brother “Tiberious it’s me Iron, mom is in the hospital, the doc says she has cancer and mom is trying to fight it off the best she can right now.” Iron clover had said to Tiberious as he then nodded and said okay as he then hung up his phone and went to his next class trying to keep himself calm.
Time Skip: One Year Later…
It had been one year since Tiberious walked into the school's doors for the first time, a lot has happened Tiberious and Junebug were now a couple and his mom…. she could not fight the cancer any longer and just stopped and let it take over as it ended her life a few months ago as Junebug tried to keep him happy or calm as it worked only to an extent and they both knew it. Tiberious was walking down the halls again as he saw the same sights old friends become bullies, jocks and people with less intelligence than he could take. Tiberious did not have many friends and he liked it that way he had Junebug and about two good friends that were always by his side to help him out, Tiberious was walking down the hall as he was talking in his mind ‘Mine and Junebug's anniversary is coming up soon and I still don’t know what to get her.’ Tiberious said in his head as he was walking down the hall until he was tackled by Junebug in a hug as she was happy to see him again as she then placed a kiss on his cheek as she then said “Hey Tiberious, how are you this morning?” Junebug asked cutely as Tiberious rolled his eyes and said “Not bad sweetheart but you are crushing my lunch.” Tiberious said as he was chuckling a bit as she noticed he was holding a lunch box in his hand as she just giggled and got up as well helping him back up to his feet as the two just laughed a bit as they then hugged as he squeezed her a bit and said “It's good to see you again.” Tiberious whispered into her ear as she smiled and responded back “And i'm glad to see you again, I hope your feeling better.” Junebug cooed to Tiberious as he nodded.
The two then broke the hug as the two shared a quick kiss and went to their classes, the new school year was not bad though Tiberious had to deal with his old friends that now wanted nothing to do with him and just saw him as an annoying nuisance but Tiberious did not care but he just wished that they would just leave him alone and let him live his life as they continually egg on him about his mother’s death and said that he should have died instead and that he was scum of the earth, but Tiberious just ignored it the best he could as he went into his creative writing class. He actually started liking writing more and more with each story and assignment he gets, but as well it did not stop him from his drawing he felt that both worked perfectly with him. Each day was the same go to class, see Junebug in the halls and at lunch and hangout after school, though there were always interferences in his life such as bullies and such but he stuck to his guns and continued with life.
Time Skip: Year And A Half Later….
Tiberious`s life was getting worse in his opinion, just four months ago his father was involved in an accident with a semi truck when he went out get groceries for the house and Tiberious just stayed back at home with Junebug as they played the PS3. Tiberious still blamed himself for it as he kept saying it was his fault that he died as he was now living with his older brother and his family as everyone around him told him it was not. Tiberious was with Junebug as they were walking home from a movie as Tiberious still had a lot on his mind as then Junebug was trying to get his attention as he then apologized for it as she just giggled and tightened her grip on his arm which made him smile a bit. The two were now walking across the crosswalk talking until Junebug stopped as Tiberious asked “Junebug what is wr-” Tiberious was cut off as she then pushed him out of the way as a bus then hit her full speed as it was trying to stop launching her several feet away stopping multiple cars as Tiberious got up and shouted “JUNEBUG!” Tiberious shouted as he ran over to her, when he reached her she was barely breathing as he picked her up as he said “D-Don't worry sweetheart w-we'll get you to the hospital and t-they will fix you up.” Tiberious said as he had tears running down his face as she slowly moved her bloody hand up to him as Tiberious grabbed her hand and held her close as she said “T-Tiberious… I…. i'm not…. going to m-make it…” Junebug said weakly as Tiberious held her closer and started to cry harder and said “D-Don't you dare say that… you’re going to be f-fine.” Tiberious said as Junebug whispered her last words into his ear “I…. will always…. love you….” Junebug said with the last of her strength as the life began to fade from her body leaving her dead.
Tiberious shouted at the sky to every deity and every god that existed cursing them in both english and italian as he held her close as the driver of the bus then stumbled out of the bus as a familiar odor wafted from him and Tiberious knew that scent anywhere, it was alcohol. Tiberious then gently set her head back down towards the ground as he walked towards the bus driver as he said while slurring “Sorry for… the girl… but she should have seen where, she was going…” The bus driver said as Tiberious blood began to boil as he then balled his fist and delivered a haymaker to the man's jaw as he fell like a ton of bricks as Tiberious then blacked out to only regain his sight almost twenty minutes later in a jail cell at the police department and saw his brother, sister in law and nephew. A police officer then came by and unlocked the cell and said “Your bail has been paid, as well sorry for your girlfriend kid.” The officer said as he walked back to his desk as Tiberious asked his brother “W-What happened?” Tiberious asked Iron as he said “Well I don’t know how to tell you this, but...Junebug...Junebug is dead, and the driver was drunk and you blacked out and nearly killed him” Iron said as Tiberious was now freaking out, he nearly killed a man and now Junebug was dead…. he could not go on like this. Later that night he did the one thing no one would see him do, he attempted to take his own life to join his family and Junebug but was stopped by his brother and rushed to the hospital where he woke up about almost two week later as he then woke up and found a scar across his throat, it was about a good enough size across his neck. A nurse then walked in as she told him what happened and how long he was out, Tiberious nodded and asked for her to call his brother as she nodded and walked back out the door as Tiberious then changed into his clothes soon enough his brother and his family found him as they surrounded him with a group hug.
Tiberious then broke the silence and said “Iron, I think it's best if I move.” Tiberious said as it shocked everyone as he then continued “I think it is best that I move and get away from Trottingham, to many bad memories here.” Tiberious said as the three agreed reluctantly as they all went back to the house to help him pack.
Time Skip: Three months later…
Tiberious was standing in front of his new school Canterlot High School, Tiberious was scared to enter the school, until he took a deep breath and entered the school to see two students waiting for him one was male and the other was female, the women that wore a pair of what as far as he could tell were steel toes with a leather jacket and fire based hair and a red skirt as the other was a different story the male had snow white hair while he sported a black t-shirt underneath his white, half sleeve hoodie with black pants on. He was also wearing a pair of long, black, fingerless gloves. His hair was pure white while his irises were bright blue. The two students saw him as they walked forward as they then greeted him to the school “I'm Sunset Shimmer and this is Soul, we would both like to welcome you to Canterlot high.” The female known as Sunset said as the male known as Soul nodded and waved as Tiberious was reluctant to shake her hand as he was about to reach for it he began to shake a bit as he then did grab her hand and shook it as he nodded shyly as he followed the two and went on a tour around the school as they went from many areas of the school and some areas outside of school, they soon ended it at the principal's office as he entered the office and sat down in the seat in front of the desk as the principal of the school was sitting behind the desk as she then noticed that Tiberious was sitting there as she then spoke “Oh I am very sorry i'm Principal Celestia, you must be Tiberious i'm very sorry about your girlfriend.” Principal Celestia had said with a tone of sadness and a face of sorrow as Tiberious nodded as he hid his eyes with his hair not wanting to show what emotions he was feeling about the deaths but he was feeling many feelings such as sorrow, sadness, regret for he wished at times he was the one that got hit by the bus instead of Junebug. Principal Celestia nodded as she put some more data in the computer as she then printed off his schedule and handed it to him as he hesitantly grabbed the document and began to look over the document as Principal Celestia then spoke again “Since you came a bit late for the tour your next class will be after lunch, I hope you don't mind?” Principal Celestia asked as Tiberious shook his head as he then got up and left without another word.
Tiberious then walked down the halls as he grabbed his head phones out of his messenger bag and put them on as he turned on his phone and put on an album by the birthday massacre and headed for the lunchroom as he saw that all the students were happy all but Tiberious as he finally reached the lunchroom where he saw many students eating lunch and having fun with their friends. Tiberious felt no emotion for it as he walked to the lunch line to pick up some food as he did, he felt like he was being watch and he did not like it as he then grabbed his lunch and walked to an empty table so he could be left alone for that is all he wanted. He sat at the table as he then began to eat, while eating he looked up a few times to see a group of students staring at him with curious and concerned looks but he did not care as he reached into his bag behind his back and pulled out a custom made kitchen knife to look exactly like alice's vorpal blade from ‘alice madness returns’ it was a gift from Junebug on their first year anniversary as he had the sting of tears hit his eyes as he kept the blade hidden from prying eyes as he continued to eat until he was left with just an apple as he then put it in one hand and rose the knife with the other surprising the group as he began to cut the apple with the knife. When he was done he got up, wiped the knife clean with a napkin and placed it back in his bag and walked towards the group with the apple slices and asked “Do any of you want one?” Tiberious asked with a voice void of emotion as the group was confused as he spoke again “Do any of you want an apple slice, I saw you all eyeing my apple you want a slice?” Tiberious asked again as a few nodded as he handed them out to the ones that wanted a slice as one of them spoke “You new here?” The guy asked as he was wearing a chef uniform as Tiberious nodded as he then said “Well i'm Mise, let me introduce you to the group, there is Zero, Punk, Artemis, Treble, Alex, Swift, Alchemy, Night, Clyde, Warhawk and Soul but i'm betting you already met him.” Mise said as he motioned to half the group as he then turned to the other side of the group but before that Tiberious spoke up “I already know three of your group, Soul, Sunset and Artemis I met him and a girl named Trixie about three weeks ago at gamestop.” Tiberious said as Artemis nodded in agreement as Mise then continued “Well okay, anyway they are Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Sunset but you already know her, my girlfriend Octavia, Vinyl, Aria, Adagio and Sonata. Now you know the whole group.” Mise said as Tiberious nodded but soon began to walk away as he was stopped by Mise and said “Hey where are you going? Don't you want to have friends?” Mise asked as Tiberious took his hand off of his shoulder and said in a low tone “Why do I need friends? So they can screw me over, to say we were to help but not really, to use me to get ahead? Yeah no thank you I don't need friends, they just slow me down.” Tiberious said as he walked away some more but was stopped when someone shouted “But everyone needs friends!” Pinkie Pie shouted as Tiberious scoffed at it and said.
“Not me, the only thing I need is peace and quiet, not people telling me what I need.” Tiberious said as he walked out of the lunchroom leaving them all stunned by his words as Artemis said “I was right, he's hurting, but even worse now, he needs our help guys.” Artemis had said as the group was agreeing for what he said as Mise was thinking as Soul asked “What's wrong Mise?” Soul asked as he said “That name reminds me of something, but what?” Mise said as Pinkie Pie said “That's because he was on the news and on the newspaper of the event that happened three months ago.” Pinkie Pie said as she pulled out a newspaper from three months ago from her hair that read ‘Tragedy struck when a young seventeen year old girl named Junebug was struck and killed by a drunk driver of a bus as her boyfriend named Tiberious Silverfang ran up and tried to keep her alive but soon died from her injuries, Tiberious then screamed and yelled at the sky cursing every god and being in both english and italian until the bus driver exited the vehicle and tried to apologize but only made things worse as he unmercifully beat the man to near death resulting in both of his arms being broken, a broken leg, multiple fractures, a few cracked ribs and internal bleeding but also broke a panel off the bus from bashing the man's head into the bus side, police soon then detained the boy by tasering him as he was then knocked unconscious and the man was rushed to the hospital. We tried to get interview with Tiberious but refused to give a statement but only said “I blacked out and woke up in a cell, that's it now leave me alone.” Tiberious had said.’ The group stared at the paper as they felt sorry for him dealing with a death, so they went after him to soon hear piano music coming from the music room to soon find him sitting at the piano and playing different songs as he soon then ended his song playing after about twenty minutes as he got up and turned to see the group standing in the entrance as he then asked “What do you all want? Came to tell me that I need friends?” Tiberious asked as they all nodded as he was about to scoff at it Mise spoke up “We know what happened three months ago Tiberious.” Mise had said as he was taken back as he then spoke again “A lot has been taken away from me for the past almost three years.” Tiberious said in a sad tone as he then sat back down on the piano bench.
The group was curious as he then spoke again “I don't normally want friends because I got screwed over by the people I thought I could trust…. I can only trust certain people now, some of my family and that's it…. the rest is just at each other's throats all the time.” Tiberious said to the group as a few tears began to build as he quickly wiped them away and got up slowly, he was about to leave but stopped by Mise as he spoke “Look, i’m going to tell you something, that i’ve never told anyone outside my family….I know what you went through, I went through it myself. When I was 5 years old, my brother and sister were shot in the heads by british troops during a protest turned bad, I always blamed myself, it tore my family apart, we forced into fleeing, I took up drinking to dull the guilt I felt. But trust me, it does no good, he who lives in the past, dies in the past. Now let's sit down, and work through this. You’re one of us now.” Mise said gesturing to the group, Tiberious slowly let his head fall avoiding their gaze as he then nodded in agreement as they all walked in and sat down to talk “So, where do you want me to start?” Tiberious asked the group “Wherever it hurts the most, get that pain out, and after that everything else will flow like water.” Mise said. Tiberious nodded and began to speak “I think I would say it all started around the time of middle school when my old friends started wanting nothing to do with me and for what I like doing, but soon it then lead over to high school in freshman year about almost three years ago my mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, she was doing well for a while until she just…. gave up and soon let the cancer take over, and she just…. let go….” Tiberious said so far with a few tears in his eyes as he continued “About a year later me and Junebug were dating, I still had some of my family meaning by my brother, my sister in law, my nephew, my dad and my adopted grandma…. this is where my life took….. a spiral. A year and a about seven months ago my father was killed in a car accident when his vehicle was hit by a semi, then skip ahead to about three months ago where you already know what happen but on that same night I….” Tiberious said as he placed his hand on his throat.
Everyone saw this but was confused as Mise spoke “You tried to hang yourself? Didn’t you? I can tell, the scar was caused by inadequate rope length.” Mise said opening his chef jacket “Similar thing happened to me, except I wasn’t trying to die but instead I was left for dead after a failed dual.” Mise said showing the scar on his chest, Tiberious saw it and nodded as he asked “Does anyone have a handkerchief or something?” Tiberious asked as Zero nodded and handed it to him as he began to wipe his throat as it began to show his scar over his throat surprising everyone except Mise as he said “Mhmm, just as I suspected. But Tiberious, before we continue, look around. Tell me what you see.” Mise said as Tiberious looked up and saw that the group had looks of sadness but as well care, sorrow, and concern as he was surprised by this as he spoke “I see, sadness, concern, sorrow and… care…” Tiberious said the last word slowly as it was a word he had never said before or had but forgotten how to say it “You see, we all have our burdens, past and present, some things ranging from severe depression to dead relatives, to suicidal tendencies and even homicidal tendencies. But we've all managed to overcome them, and so can you, so let us help you.” Mise said, Tiberious was taken back by this, they wanted to help him something he had not seen or ever had in a long time from actual friends as he looked at the group and nodded with a small smile with a small amount of tears running down his face as Mise then spoke again “That’s the spirit, here, lets meet up at sugarcube corner after school. Best pastries and stuff for a hundred miles.” Mise said giving Tiberious his number as the others followed suit. Tiberious saw all the numbers and began to put them in his phone as the group left the music room as he knew one thing, he had friends again, ones that cared and would be their for him as he actually felt a bit happy again in a long while.
Roden: It's true Tiberious, we have all suffered in some way, some more than others, but we still suffered
Shard: Just don't let that negativity consume you, you can reach out here
Roden: You can find peace now, we've all got your back
Interesting redo, should be more interesting as time goes on.
Just one teeny tiny nitpick though, some of the sentences are a little off, thats about it
I think it's better if Indigo Zap doesn't transfer in this one, a relationship of a CHS student and Crystal Prep is like Romeo and Juliet, minus the suicide at the end of the story.
Good set up.
great chapter man, look forward to the next one
6980181 and ragga, if indigo doesn't transfer, then who will fang/tiberious get together with?
6980218 err, that's the point of Romeo and Juliet thing, they meet up somehow.
6980245 randomly bump into each other, only this time not in a school, but on the sidewalk!
What a twist!
6980245 kappit.com/img/pics/201412_1932_aaaai_sm.png
now I get what your saying....
An excellent start. Can't wait to see more.
6980170 Tiberious: Thanks Roden and Shard, im glad to have better friends here.
Thanks man, as well the reason why is i was changing somethings and messed up a bit.
6980181 Hmm... a romeo and juliet story in the PoME universe, nice i like the idea.
6980199
6980218
6980267 Thank you guys, the next chapter will come out soon as i can, also the next chapter will be a bit more on the main character and introducing the love intrest.
Man! That was a rough beginning for Tiberious.
Lone Wolf: I'm sorry for your loss through all these years Fang. At least you've know your parents. The only thing I have of mine is a picture of them when I was only a few months old. Remember the good times you've had with your parents and girlfriend. Let them be your treasure through your life.
Alchemy: Nice to see you again and I look forward to being your friend Tiberious. Great start to your remake.
Agreed this looks like it will be a great story.
6980327 KO awesome remake and funny that you put Crocker in the story. Laughable.
Rapid: Fang i'm so sorry that happened to you i can't imagine the pain you went through during those years and i'm so sorry to what has happened to you.
Also good job on the rewrite Tiberious question will you ever use the idea that you PM'd me about?
6980327 *chuckles* Make sure you tell her that a friend of hers is coming for a visit soon.
Eclipse, be nice.
6980372 Tiberious: I will always treasure the memories, for they shall live on here *points to his head* and in here *places a hand on his heart* for they shall live on as long as i live.
6980472 Tiberious: Thanks Alchemy, and we both thank you.
Yup, i feel like we can make a better story this way.
6980480 Thanks as well we thought it would be funny to put in.
6980547 Tiberious: It was terrible man, but i know with the help of everyone i can escape the darkness and into the light.
Thanks Lunar, as well yes i will but sometime later in chapters, it will still follow the same way to be exact with Fang getting his nickname, becoming part of the arrow family, and him and Indigo getting together might use the same idea from the original but tweak it more.
6980618 Dude your crazy, and that what makes you a great part of the group.
6981062 Alright have a good night Tiberious.
6981302 You to Lunar, i need sleep, goodnight.
6981062 *chuckles* You can't be crazy if you were never normal to begin with.
6981932 Good point man, good point
6982501 Multiple reasons really, the story got out of hand, supernatural stuff, the half-demon story line, did not get the characters right, so the end result was give the story a reboot and tell a different story with it.
6982597 Yup, but i do still have the original, i might re-uploaded it as an alternate universe type thing.
6982779 Thank you, but i might do it a little bit later in the future, don't know yet.
Hey, I just had an idea. In Rodens new backstory he lost his siblings, as well as his father who's death was his fault, with this he become slightly closed off. Maybe Fang and Roads (Rodens nickname) could meet each other and become best friends due to understanding and matching personalities.
6982803 That is, the smartest idea ever, i like it man. They both become friends because they both have a common ground, i like it man very great idea.
6982818 glad you like it. Btw I'm still up for helping with a chapter
6982852 You are welcome man, as well that's good to hear, i will make sure to message you about it.
First time of reading your story and wow what a great set up my friend
Drayce: So this is Tiberious SilverFang I heard so much about, huh? Well might be time for me to make a introduction
I like this but I feel the the pacing could have been better.
I've noted, in perusing throughout fiction, that chapters of the length 4,000 or greater tend to either be well-loved or well-hated, depending on personal taste or beliefs. Having read through the lengthy fanfiction of Fallout: Equestria (the largest chapter, if I remember correctly, being well over 50,000 words), such a number seems minuscule in comparison. Not everyone, of course, has the patience to dig through 4,000 words worth of story to find its meaning, since many here seek only good-feels-in-general 1000 word blurbs as opposed to looking for the thematic insights that any author uses.
In continuing my (albeit slow) approach to reading through the major PoME stories, I have thus chosen this one as a good jumping off point. Knowing that my last analysis, if you will, was of Frost's story, I hope to deliver some insight into what makes this story unique, what can be changed, and what impact it may seek to drive forward into the hearts of many. Though, it should be acknowledged that I am hardly the expert on such matters; I am a student like any other, and what I say is as subjective to me as it is to anyone who may seek to follow a similar path.
Having no prior experience (or, indeed, prior personal or well-rounded experience) with you at any point of time (disregarding Skype group conversations in which it was never a one-on-one deal), I trust my judgement to be as objective as possible, free of any biases that may unjustifiably be thrown out like they were mere things to remove. If anything is to or will be called into question, it is whether or not I can truly help you improve.
Thus, I begin the story.
The title "Escaping the Darkness" initially implies that there will be some allusion to a particular event or moment. What you've done here is a unique interpretation of that. You have sought to establish who a character was before jumping into the main "story" of the, well, story, by way of intense backstory (I use story a lot, don't I?).
Compared to a lot of the PoME stories (and, indeed, my own one), this is a truly interesting beginning. Whereas most stories begin with the OC walking up to their respective school, this begins by describing an entirely different time period; perhaps an entirely different lifetime.
Continuing this breaking of the universe's trope, then, we see that Tiberious is already entering into a relationship (a budding one) with one certain Junebug (which, I will add, is a cute name to begin with). We also see that, implicitly, these two characters have been in a relationship for a while--not of the romantic variety, but of the platonic kind. Why else would they greet each other warmly while standing out in the rain? Why else would it feel natural that one would eventually ask out the other?
But I digress. Junebug's appearance is brief. Yet she cements herself as a character in Tiberious's life. Obviously she is someone he values. And it cannot be reasonably be expected that you go into great detail about their relationship; this is, after all, Tiberious's story after the fact, when he is "escaping the darkness." Thus I appreciate the time skips you have present.
Ah, yes. Tragedy. One of the many constants of the human condition. Imperative to humanity, vital to our perspective, yet dangerously painful and, seemingly, an awful constant to have. To my knowledge, three stories in the PoME universe deal with tragedy: BryeMC, mine, and yours. I note that we look at it through varying lenses. Brye uses it to show Clyde's strength. I use it to show Artifex's weakness. And you use it to define Tiberious and foreshadow (I should think) what he will have to deal with.
More importantly, all three of us describe this tragedy in different ways. Brye and I take the indirect route, never quite showing the accident or the tragedy, leaving it up to the reader to decide its extent and its ramifications. You take the opposite route, directly telling us what caused the tragedy. In the grand scheme of things, I think this is fitting. In our need to search for causes to an effect, it must surely be better to be direct. Tragedy is not an art, after all, but it is something that should be acknowledged as being real, and as something that should not be taken with a grain of salt.
I should think that a life without some manner of tragedy is either an incredibly lucky one or an incredibly dull one; experience dictates that I think it to be necessary to grow, but that is just my viewpoint and not someone else's.
And so it seems that tragedy will be a primary foil of this story. Tiberious's mother dies, Junebug dies, Tiberious is forever traumatized. How he deals with this sudden chain of awful memories (a series of unfortunate events, if you will), I predict, will be central to his development and growth as a character. Will he regress, become cold and numb? Or, will the will of Canterlot High's students shine through that darkness of his heart and give him a new hope? Will he escape that darkness?
Well, obviously, he will. Why else would this chapter be called "Escaping The Darkness?" Why else would it be set in the present progressive, implying that is is being done and will progressively be done until it is finished?
The connections we make after tragedy is as vital as the tragedy itself. The latter breaks us down and reveals to us that limitations of life and the fullness of nil; while the latter reminds us that life has to be a struggle or else it would not give us the recognition of things most valuable. Companionship is an incredible gift that sentience has. Who we fall in with, become brothers and sisters of; that, ultimately, determines where we shall go in the future, to what end that future goes, and for what reason we boldly head off into that great and precarious unknown.
Inexorably, I must now apply a critical eye to this piece. Please know that what I am about to say is not meant in negative intent, nor is it meant to drive you to the depths of despair. I may miss some things, mislead you in some places. If you find any fault in my reasoning, please, I encourage you to let me know.
I will not be much of a grammar griper nor much of tonal tyrant. Those titles are reserved for nitpickers, which I, to some degree, am, but at current I do not wish to be. There is always the possibility that grammar issues are of stylistic origin; Lord knows I have broken the comma rule one too many times in the interests of style.
Grammar may be the building blocks of writing. By discounting it, in no manner am I implying it is in any way useless, baseless, or needless. In the interest of time I shall instead look at another component of writing: structure.
To provide some context:
Outside of fanfiction, this is an incredibly important part of the writing process. Since writing is meant to convey connected ideas, it follows that structure should remain consistent throughout. Whether or not you subscribe to the notion that anything written can be an argument of some idea, you must understand that structure ensures that that very notion even exists and can be followed. Much like train tracks, structure guides locomotive words to the station of thought. (A literal train of thought, if you will.)
There is no one way to structure something. Architecturally, this is true. The Pyramids of Giza are not of the same structure (nor building material, though that's a debate for another day) as the Pyramids of Mesoamerica. The Freedom Tower is not the Zifeng Tower. All of these examples, however, follow some basic rules of construction. Similarly, all pieces of writing follow some underlining structure guidelines.
In grade school, we were taught that a paragraph ought to be 5-8 sentences on average. We were not taught that a paragraph should have one idea or one scene to them. This is the creative contemplation. A paragraph serves to show the reader one particular instance of time or event. The definition can be skewed and stretched, of course, depending on context, but the relative term remains the same.
Connected ideas are, therefore, connected scenes which, consequently, must be connected by paragraph structure. The length varies, and it is difficult to assign a number to it. In general terms (though it's hardly definitive), you must "feel" out how long a paragraph should be; how long an idea or scene needs to be before it becomes too much.
Structurally, then, your story suffers.
Please take a look at the following excerpt:
This is what is considered a wall of text. This is when you thrown tons and tons of description and exposition and just words into one paragraph and hope they all stick together.
Here's the thing about walls of text: readers hate them. The reader is an impatient individual, wanting to get to the next word, the next sentence, the next paragraph, the next chapter, and the next story, without taking the time to look at how something is written. Reading is, after all, a much faster activity than writing itself. When presented with such an enormous amount of text to read, chances are that the reader skips them, or at least glosses over them, thereby missing a lot of the information presented. This is not, however, on the fault of the reader; it is the fault of the writer who supplies the information in this way.
Walls represent barriers to be crossed, but this goes against the artistic implications of writing. Writing is supposed to present new paths to explore and new ideas to consider. It is meant to be open, free, devoid of traditional limitations and restrictions. This is why, paradoxically, when you are writing, you are allowed to morph the length, speed, and/or structure of sentences or paragraphs, in order to convey a better tone or idea.
Consider this quote by Gary Provost:
Let us attribute this advice to paragraphs, then. Five paragraphs, medium-length. Five paragraphs again, medium. These are fine. But several together becomes monotonous.
Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It's like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.
Now listen.
I vary the paragraph length, and I create music.
Music.
The writing sings.
It has a pleasant rhythm...
And so forth.
The point I'm trying to make here is that you need to break up your paragraphs into sizable portions. A wall of text shoves itself down a reader's throat, but a series of text allows the reader to enjoy themselves and that which they are reading.
One paragraph usually shows one scene. That's it. Any more, and you should consider making another paragraph.
Short paragraphs are fine because they leave a special kind of "impression" on the reader. Done in certain instances, you can convey panic, terror, horror, or some other negative emotion.
You should make a new paragraph whenever there's someone new speaking. Such that it doesn't read as:
And more like this:
Structure is the largest issue I have found in this chapter alone. It doesn't matter the word length; it matters the paragraph length. If you space everything out right, you won't be faced with monstrous walls of text that deter even the most willing of readers.