Dan Vs. King Sombra

by Prawo Jazdy

Crash Course

The physics of pegasus flight is a well-discussed subject among the Equestrian cognoscenti. Dan was neither Equestrian nor a cognoscentus, and moreover he possessed a singular incuriosity about the world. Even as he relied on transport from a small horse defying the laws of physics he’d grown up with, he didn’t even notice the contradiction enough to dismiss it as “alternate universe physics.” As long as it was working, there was nothing to question.

The orange pony’s breathing became labored. He seized and tumbled.

Dan bailed like the pony was on fire. He only beat it to the ground by half a second. A tuck-and-roll honed from years of bailing meant that only snow crunched, although none of that prior bailing was performed wearing a taller man’s billowing labcoat.

What jerkwad designed these things? Dan thrashed around to unwrap the spontaneous cocoon, but soon realized he would need to be more methodical. His legs were free, so he struggled to reach a sitting position, soon conceding that the backwards somersault was the option making itself most available. Then with rear end solidly on ground, he adjusted his elbows so the fabric wasn’t quite so taut, and with a flourish, instantly constricted the jacket three times as tight as before. Did I maybe pick up a mislabeled straightjacket by mistake?

“Secure the creature!” a voice commanded. “Medic, you have a patient!”

Dan now heard a number of footsteps around him in the snow. Huh, seems I got close enough to be discovered, he thought. Patient? Well, I guess I’m a little cold from rolling in the snow in a t-shirt. Could I be hypodermic?

“Hey buddy,” a woman’s voice cooed. “Hold still, OK?”

“Mlpfim,” Dan spoke into his… well, he hoped that wasn’t an elbow in his mouth. Someone started untying the labcoat and jostling Dan’s contorted arms, eliciting a pained squeak.

“Shh, shh, it’s OK.” The woman leaned down and hugged Dan. “I’m just gonna untie you, all right?”

Sheesh, condescend much? It’s almost like I was the wild animal. Nonetheless, the cold, fuzzy hug was pleasant enough. He silently leaned into it as much as he could, and determined she was telling a small lie, as the woman’s embrace was nowhere near the hands untying him.

Light filtered through the coat as layers peeled away. Icy air nipped at his fingers, and he flexed his fists open and closed. The process was over suddenly, and when the labcoat dropped around his torso, Dan momentarily winced and grunted at the overwhelming light and white of his surroundings.

The woman relaxed her hug and dropped to all fours. “Hey. You OK, buddy?”

The speaker was a… small green horse in armor, whose coat seemed to shimmer in the reflections off the snow. Wait, no. None of this is right. Hold on, is that the sun behind her?

Dan looked over his shoulder. There were more armored, colored, shining horses around him, some with wings, some of those pulling some kind of carts, and some others pointing spears at him. Over either shoulder, nowhere he looked could he see any other human being.

Now, getting blindsided like this didn’t usually throw Dan off his game. But whether it was the blast of cold air to his open mouth, the fact that said mouth had just been stuffed with fabric-covered arm, or the other fact that the horse he’d just flown on hadn’t sought to initiate conversation, Dan was at a loss for words. He couldn’t even articulate complicated gibberish. Just, “…AaaAa?”

The green horse smiled kindly. “All right, buddy, it’s going to be OK.”

Lady, stop using the same words over and over again! “AaaAa!” He got hugged again for his complaint.

“Sir,” said a red horse, saluting a black one. “Corporal Sentry is stable, but he needs a hospital, sir.”

“Load him up,” commanded the black horse to no one in particular. Two horses with wings got out a stretcher from somewhere and settled it on their backs.

Then the orange one—Dan had completely lost track of him until now—floated out of the snow with a blue halo around his entire body. Huh? So the orange horse—pony—is the patient? And he’s named Corporal Sentry? The aura, Dan noted in passing, wasn’t shiny in nearly the same way as the ponies, and as the twisted corporal sank into the stretcher and his aura dissipated, Dan saw that the corporal was the only pony who wasn’t shining.

“Doctor, what in Hel’s name happened?”

“Sir, I can’t say for certain. But it’s a textbook bee-sting reaction.”

“And just what is ‘beasting’?” Huh, Dan reflected, so this guy’s an idiot.

“With due respect, sir, I mean it’s as if he was stung by a bee. Which is a stinging insect. Sir.”

The black horse gave half a contemplative pause. “How did an insect get all the way out here?”

“I’ll know more after I get a better look. But he has the characteristic external swelling and the constricted bronchial tubes, and he responded positively to my stimulation of his suprarenal glands.”

“Peanut allergy?”

Every pony turned to look at the speaker. The green pony had to let go of Dan suddenly to face him. “Did… you just talk?” she asked.

…Crap, I must have said that out loud. Now I’m involved. “Uh… Yeah. I was just… eavesdropping, and it sounded like the Corporal was having an anaphylactic shock.”

The red medic gave Dan a skeptical, quizzical look. “What’s that?”

“You don’t…? You don’t know. Ugh. It’s a kind of allergy thing that happens with some allergies, like bees and nuts. Do you have eppypen in your kit?”

“While I admit I don’t know what that is,” began the pony, “I’m not at all confident you know what you’re talking about. Tell me this, creature: when Corporal—“

“I’m a human.”

“…Noted. In any case, when Corporal Sentry crash-landed, he either broke or dislocated some bones. Would you be able to tell which?”

“What are you asking me for!? I’ve never seen wings on a horse before! And I jumped off of him, so it’s not my fault! Just do your job, OK? Fix him!”

The medic blinked. “Hm. Rambling, but informative. Very well, I’ll take my leave.” With that, he entered one of the carts Dan had barely noticed earlier, a covered two-wheeled vehicle, with Corporal Sentry and stretcher already in it. Once the door was closed, the vehicle left the ground, in tow from two of the winged horses, and turned toward the gleaming domed city.

“Pony.”

“What?” Dan turned to the green—oh.

“You want to be known as a ‘human,’ not a ‘creature,’” she lectured. “We’re ponies, not horses. I’m a unicorn, and Corporal Sentry, with his wings, is a pegasus.”

The idiot interrupted. “Load up, men; we’re heading back to the Empire.”

“Sir, yes sir!” chorused the spearponies, who saluted with their empty hooves and dispersed.

The green pony saluted along with the others before returning her attention to Dan. “And Sergeant Iolite there is an earth pony. Now, would you like a blanket?” She walked around behind him to get the door.

“About time, I’m freezing.” Dan got to his feet and brushed off his wet pants before turning around. A startled grunt escaped him when he saw the chariot not three feet away. “Hey, be careful sneaking up on me like that!”

“We are quite careful. You didn’t seem to notice us trailing you for the ten minutes you were flying.”

That’s exactly the opposite of what I meant. Don't sneak better, sneak worse. “…Oh whatever.” Dan stomped past the unicorn, ducked into the vehicle (a rather novel maneuver for him), threw off the labcoat, and unfurled one of the dark blankets around himself. He sat down heavily with a huff.

The green pony hopped in and pulled the door closed, then strode to an instrument panel at the front of the vehicle and twiddled a switch. “This is talc two, come in talc one, do you copy?”

“Copy, talc two.” The voice over the radio didn’t crackle so much as chime. “You ready to head home?”

“Yeah, Renny, listen. Could you handle the trip without me in your ear? I’d like to talk with the human some more.”

Renny chuckled, although maybe it was a giggle. “Absolutely, Emmy. Go with Cadance’s love.”

“With love.” She flicked the switch off, then turned to Dan with a warm smile. “OK, let’s start with names. I’m Emerald Isle. What’s your name?”

“That’s kind of personal, isn’t it?”

Emerald blinked. “Just trying to be friendly. Do you really want us to keep calling you ‘the human’? Or ‘hey you’?”

“Hmmm…” Dan rubbed his tufted chin. “All right, call me…”

---

“—Dan! Dan Danana Daaann!”

The final notes from Lyra’s air cello soaked into the carpeting and seat cushions. Spike had noticed some ponies leaving the car during her enthusiastic recounting of events, but declined to interrupt.

Lyra, for her part, was breathing harder than she had expected. She took a moment to compose herself. “So… yeah. That’s why Ponyville’s getting a cellist.”

“Wow,” Twilight said with a soft smile, lifting her chin from her hoof. “Sounds like a good time to get into Ponyville’s music scene. Wish I’d done it sooner.”

“Again—to be fair, you were doing a lot.” She shifted a bit to her right, then chuckled. “It’s funny. Our best chance might’ve been Cadance’s wedding.”

Twilight’s eyes widened, as did Spike’s. “You were there?” he asked.

“Well… yeah.” Putting on a show of smugness, she crossed her legs and reached her forehooves to one knee. “If the world’s best foalsitter asks me to be her bridesmaid, who am I to say no?”

“Oh gosh” Twilight muttered. “I saw you. I looked straight in your face multiple times, and we didn’t recognize each other.”

Lyra’s illusion broke and her mouth dropped open a moment before saying anything. “Really? I don’t remember that.”

“The last time I remember, you were obviously hypnotized.” Twilight sighed. “The changeling queen had you and the other bridesmaids guarding the mine entrance to keep Cadance and me from escaping.” Her frown deepened as another thought occurred to her. “Come to think of it, I should’ve recognized all three of you, shouldn’t I?”

“Y-yeah. Minuette and Twinkleshine.” Lyra drew her legs up onto the bench in a seated pose which should have looked normal. “How did you get past us?”

“Cadance distracted you with a bouquet. You were pretty far gone at that point. I don’t know exactly how thoroughly you were hypnotized at what times, but you might have stopped being able to recognize me well before I got to Canterlot.” I don’t have that excuse, she fretted, but she kept that quantum of shame quiet.

Lyra, too, was quiet. “…Huh. Um…” Should I be worrying about this? Sure, my getting brainwashed and Canterlot being invaded by a forgotten race are big things, but we aren’t any worse for the wear… right?

The train lurched, metal screeching against metal, and ground to a halt, thankfully covering the awkward silence. “Whoa,” said Spike, picking himself up off the floor. “Are we here?”

“Yes, Spike.” Twilight stepped off her bench, and Lyra followed. “We’ve reached the Crystal Empire. I guess this your first time here since they put in the train station, huh?”

“Uh, yeah. First time since Sombra, yeah.”

Twilight floated her saddlebags out of the overhead compartment, tucking her singed book in. “The businesses have really picked up since they… well, started up. Maybe we’ll get a snow globe.”

Lyra pondered. “I should probably get souvenirs for me and Bon Bon.”

“Oh? Who’s Bon Bon?”

“Somepony I met in Ponyville. You’d like her! We were just sharing a bench, but we got to talking and now we practically live togeth—“

“IT’S SPIKE!” With only that as a warning, a cheering mob nucleated around the three. Then, whether by rehearsal or by noise-obscured signal, the crystalline crowd swept away from the other ponies.

Twilight parted her wings and peeked between them. “Are they gone already? Huh.” She folded her wings back and amended, “After I became a princess, I started getting these flash mobs around me, infrequently. I think the strangest thing about this one is they usually last longer than that. But Spike’s in a better position than me to take notes when he’s… around… for one?” Failing to make eye contact with him to her right or left, or even see him, she asked, “Where’s Spike?!”

“Th-the… ‘flash mob’ took him,” Lyra answered.

“What! Where?”

Lyra pointed a hoof at a street corner being turned. “Go on ahead. I still have some things on the train, but we’re probably both going to the same place.”

“Right!” Twilight unlocked her knees and shot off.

Lyra turned slowly and made her way back to her seat. She couldn’t stop thinking, That was weird. That mob forming around me was… really weird. And to grab Spike? What is he, some sort of national hero?

Author's Note:

Fun fact: epinephrine and adrenaline are the same thing. In fact, aside from the former name being Greek and the latter being Latin, they come from words meaning the same thing: "on top of the kidneys." I futzed with that a little so that no one gives it a correct name (unless you count Dan mistaking "EpiPen" for a generic term).

…

Well, I thought it was interesting!

Comments

[mastermenthe]

It continues!

I can not find anything wrong to critique!

[23vanmaastricht960]

Your Dan vs king sombra story isn't finished for 8 years.