When Rainbow Dash and Applejack decide to explore a hole in the ground, more than just a few feelings pop up. They aren't alone in this new, dark, underground world, but something keeps pulling them forward. They just wont think of turning back, and when they discover the secret to the hole, they discover something more important to each other.
Page generated in 0.081 seconds
Total duration
1,037 users online
1,824,818 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I don't see anything wrong with it and it certainly looks good. Great tart and I can't wait to see it when it's finished!
This is written well and correctly; I like much so.
[edit] One]multiple[ line(s) made me facehoof.
“Fine, I will do it in 10 seconds flat. You just watch and see!” said a prideful Rainbow Dash.
1.) story reference is frowned upon, that joke stopped bieng funny a long time ago in reference form.
2.) the use of "I will," Rainbow never annunciates. try, "I'll"
3.) this sentence overall is just written badly but I can't begin to think of how to fix it.
“I am not going to let her think I am a coward... )Rainbow hardly ever annunciates. any conjunction you can make, make it. I will become I'll. I am become I'm. You will become you'll. If you want to keep in her charecter then that's generally what you need to do. She kind of sounds like aa robot talking in my mind right now.
But I still like the story, just some of the charecter depth is bleh.
Hmm... it's not bad. Grammar and layout is fine, just the characters seem shallow and the plot is kind of rushed.
681737
I am typing more now, this was just to set it up. Sorry if it was rushed.
681711
In response to your edit; it was a joke. Sorry if it ruined the story for you, but frown upon it all you want. Also, that is just how I type short stories that I write, so sorry for being OOC.
681767 Yeah, generally you might want to break that habbit. It is almost a turn-off for any reader of charecters are out of charecter. Not trying to be harsh, but I'm just laying to straight.
681767
Okay, maybe I was a little harsh. There's nothing to be sorry about, I've seen plenty stories that are much worse. You should really take Sorren's advice to heart, even though it focuses more on details rather than the big picture. All I can say is, read some fics that are popular, and try to figure out why they're liked so much. Then incorporate these elements into your own writing. One thing I would recommend doing is really adding much more detail. Vivid scenes slow down the story, and draw the reader in.
This seems like a pretty cool story. Can't wait to read the rest of it.
I have something to say... if that's alright...
All in all, it was alright.
Sorren's right about using conjunctions like I'm, I'll, etc. when Rainbow is speaking. Not doing so makes her sound weird.
I also noticed a sentance in there where something wasn't quite right...
"It was quiet a ways down to the bottom, and every foot seemed to grow darker."
I think you meant quite. Quiet means noiseless, quite is an approximate measurement.
These are basic mistakes, you'll get better at them! Keep it up!
682616
Thank you for catching that mistake. Yeah, I am writing chapter 2 now, and it is all put together differently. Thank you for the feedback!
682665
No problem!
*HUUUUGE GASP!!!*
This is the first chapter of your first story! At least, on this account. Do you spend a lot of time writing fanfics? If you do, it shows. If not, it's very impressive that you've managed to have as few errors as you do. Why am I rambling? I don't normally do this...
I suppose I must be channeling Pinkie. Or i'm just super hyper excited. I can't decide.
682757
Thank you so much for the enthusiasm. This is actually my first one. Well my first fanfic that is solo. I did a collab with askfoxxy and magicolt808 called "A Rainy Day."
One error, one nitpick.
“Huh? Yeah, I’m here. You alright?” repleid a voice from the darkness.
You have the e and i mixed up here.
In one, deaf, choreographed movement, both ponies flew over the edge.
I don't know if that's right or not...
695940
Thank you for catching that little error. I will fix it. And deaf was supposed to be deaft.
695940 deft should be in place of deaf
KAMIKAZE APPLEDASH!
MORE....... hehe
This is amazing! More please NOW