• Member Since 29th May, 2012
  • online

Knackerman

I am the Knackerman. Most of my writing deals with horror, suspense, and tragedy. And yes, there will be gore.

Knackerman Joined 29th May, 2012 · Online

Also LikedSimilarAuthor

2
 13
 1.8k
T
Source

Rarity has always loved the finer things in life. From her earliest memories she's longed to be like one of the fashionable ponies in Canterlot. Her dream seems to come true when she receives an invitation from Mr. Fancy Pants to vacation in Canterlot as his guest. But things aren't quite as picture perfect as they might appear, and when there's trouble at home, will Rarity be able to trust in the generosity of others?
Chapters (3)
Complete Published: May 31st, 2012 Download
16,025 words
Comments ( 13 )
shardfff
shardfff #3 · Jun 6th, 2012 · · · Is Long Suffering ·
Reply

aw hell, that wont end well

imapony
imapony #4 · Jun 25th, 2012 · · · Starts at Home ·
Reply

WHAT THE BUCK IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?:pinkiegasp: poor rarity :raritydespair::raritycry:

NoMane
NoMane #5 · Aug 23rd, 2012 · · · Starts at Home ·
Reply

Author, I like your work but you need to get a pre-reader. Little minor errors are like speedbumps.

Ecstatic
Ecstatic #7 · Sep 21st, 2013 · · · Starts at Home ·
Reply

Liking this story so far, getting some Creepy Vibes off Fancy Pants, and just waiting for Rarity to snap under the pressure.

his chiefs prepared the most exquisite meals she had ever eaten, and the manor itself and its adjourning gardens offered endless diversions and sights that could have occupied Rarity for months. As it was, if she did tire of being cooped up

Chefs.

a few discarded out of hand if they clashed with an earlier appointment, and still others ignored at he advice of Fleur de Lis.

the.

Ecstatic
Ecstatic #8 · Sep 21st, 2013 · · · Is Sexy ·
Reply

“Here I’d thought that Celestia’s pet had gone off to some fantastic magical kingdom to further her studies! Not...Ponyville.” She laughed as if it were the most hilarious joke in the world.

"Not... Ponyville."

it was odd how much time Twilight used to spend just pony watching, observing the life of the city as it would go by.Though that was probably,

"by. Thought", also Twilight-Stalker.

Now, with the chatter of a myriad Babylonian tongues in her ear, she was reduced to a nobody in a dimly lit tent in the middle of nowhere.

"Tongues" should not be plural if you want "a" before myriad, and "a" shouldn't be there if you want "tongues" to be plural. Also, so far in the story, you always used "everypony" or "anypony", transitioning from "nopony" to "nobody" is a speed bump.

“Well if you must know, Sweeite Belle here is from Ponyville, and we’re only here in Canterlot looking for her sister, my friend Rarity. She’s a very popular dressmaker from Ponyville, maybe you’ve seen her around?” Twilight held a glossy glamour shot of Rarity out for Moondancer to see.

Sweetie Belle.

At first she stared at it blankly...then she narrowed her eyes as if she were studying the picture in great detail. “She’s from Ponyville you say? Surely you must be mistaken.”

"... Then"

“She is said to be a fabulously wealthy pony, loved by the poor, who uses her skill and connections to create beautiful cloths for the wealthy. She then takes the money she makes and donates it all to the less fortunate! She just sort of...appeared one day and was the talk of the town for weeks.”

Clothes, "... Appeared"

Spike and Sweetie Belle found themselves dazzled by the tall buildings, glowing with magic and fire in the heart of the night, as though it were Hearths Warming Eve all over again.

Hearth's Warming Eve.

The grey pony smiled, not unkindly, and played with the collar around her throat. “This is the big city sweety. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.”

Sweety looks odd here, it's grammatically correct according to Webster, but still.

She whispered harshly into Twilight’s ear,"Just what do you think you’re doing bringing my little sister to a place like this!”

There needs to be a space after "Twilight's ear," before Rarity starts talking, also: at this point I was still thinking Rarity was a prostitute.

“Uh...Rarity.” Spike had somehow managed to squeeze himself between the two unicorns without either noticing. “I don’t mean to be rude...but what are you wearing?”

Space after each individual or set of periods, "Uh... Rarity." and "rude... But"
Also, manure hits aerosol dispersal device.

“Of course...but I think there’s been a misunderstanding here. Rarity, I thought everypony knew, the Circe de Celestia is a none profit troupe! All of their money goes to charity. They rely on wealthy patrons for new outfits and set pieces. They’re not going to pay you for any of the work you’ve done.” “THEY WHAT!?” Rarity’s scream echoed out of her tent and could be heard all the way to the big top.

not-for-profit is more commonly used, but yours isn't wrong. Spaces after each individual or set of periods: "Of course... But"
When Rarity screams, it is a question first and an exclamation second: "THEY WHAT?!"

All this time she was meant to be working towards fixing her problems and now...no what was she supposed to do?

Space after the set of periods. "and now... No what".

Ecstatic
Ecstatic #9 · Sep 21st, 2013 · · · Is Long Suffering ·
Reply

Twilight didn’t mean for that to sound as harsh as it did. It was way past her usual bed time and the day had left her fairly cranky.

Loved this, our wonderful magical cute studious librarian has a strictly enforced bedtime, which in reality, everypony should, as it aids mental clarity, but it's still funny.

“Exactly what I said!” Rarity got unsteadily to her hooves and marched right up to Twilight Sparkle. “Scholarship girl, growing up in Canterlot, no, growing up under Princess Celestia’s very wing! When did you ever have to work for anything? When did you ever have to struggle to get where you are today!?”

Question mark before exclamation mark, makes more sense.

“Don’t interrupt me!” the usually gentile unicorn roared, “And as far as my special talent? I can find rocks...rocks Twilight!

"genteel", Gentile is something else entirely Also, "rocks... Rocks Twilight!"

Practically everypony in Canterlot knows Celestia’s favorite student. Do you know how they came to know me!?

Question mark, exclamation mark.

I even shook hooves with the filthy little bastards! And do you know what I get in return? A few minutes of fame and then I’m yesterdays trash!” She stopped, huffing, the enormity of her own pent up rage seeming to shock even herself.

"Yesterday's trash!"

Suddenly the outfit seemed rather fitting. “I’m...I’m so sorry Twilight. I don’t know what came over me.

Space after each period or set of periods.

I was so ashamed of this stupid position I’m in, why didn’t I just come out and say I needed help!?”

Question mark, exclamation mark.

“Why indeed.” Came a melodious voice. “I know we have not know each other very long, but I would like to think that we were friends.”

"have not known"

It is...what a friend would do, non?”

"It is... What"

“Surely it is not too late. I know that Monsieur Fancy Pants has much of his wealth tide up in our current endeavor, but there must be a way that we can raise the money for you to keep your Boutique!”

"Tied up".

“Oh, she is your petite sœur!? I thought she might be Twilight’s fille!”

"fillé", because French, unless you meant to spell "filly" normally.

Poor Twilight, so put-upon.

“I saw her earlier, but...you are sure she was here with you just now? She was not in here when I arrived.”

"but... You"

Twilight thought she had found Rarity’s sister, only for it to turn out to be some other excited, yet sleepy eyed little unicorn.

There are two spaces between "sleepy eyed" and "little unicorn.", also perhaps "sleepy-eyed".

A white unicorn could be green one moment, bright pink the next, and an indistinguishable grey when he glare of the lights had finally passed.

"when the glare of the lights"

It was clear she was nervous, how could she not be performing before so many?

"how could she not be, performing before so many?" you need a comma so that the question is limited to how she couldn't avoid being nervous, not "how could she not be performing"

leaned over a bubbling cauldron sat atop paper craft flames, the bubbles within sweeping up and out over an enchanted crowd with the hermits every gesture.

"hermit's every gesture".

amniomorphic spell

Ahah, subtle jab at humor.

Long ago, before the rule of the Princess’s, the peace of Equestria’s founding was shattered by the coming of Discord.

Perhaps; Princesses, plural.

but not a mage as powerful as Star Swirl. Not with a teacher as wise as Discord. The old wizard tried in vane to resist,

"tried in vain"

but then quickly smiled. The draconequus said he would be more than willing to grant Star Swirls desires,

Star Swirl's desires, possessive.

despite never having truly left the Elements resting place. All this Discord promised to allow him to explore at his leisure,

Elements' resting place, possessive.

Twitching slightly as she thought the story through in her head,Twilight didn’t know if she could handle watching the sequence where Discord tortured Star Swirl with his myriad morbid visions.

I believe this already happened, and "myriad of" would make more sense.

The strangers coloring was a mix of shades of purple in the darkness. There was something uncomfortably familiar about her eyes.

Stranger's coloring, possessive.

The strangers smile only brightened in the darkness, as if she could read Twilight's thoughts and was relishing her discomfiture. Excusing herself, Twilight left the performance early. It was such a pity...she missed the big finale.

Stranger's smile, possessive. "pity... She".

“I don’t know what to say.” Tears welled up in Rarity’s eyes once again and she hugged her little sister and her friend Fleur tight. “I....I have the most generous friends and family in the world!”

"I.... I", space.

He had followed Twilight until the pony had whirled on him, telling him to go back to the circus...that she needed to be alone.

"circus... That", space.

It was nice to see them, but she was in a hurry, and they seemed far more interested in taking in the sites of the big city than in anything else, once they’d found out their daughter was going to be alright.

"sights of the big city"

She opened the door and found...nothing on the other side. Nothingness stretched infinitely before her, a perfect void.

"and found... Nothing", space, capital.

With dawning horror, she realized that what she was gazing into was an enormous eye. The abyss focused on her...and blinked.

"focused on her... And blinked", space, capital.

The whispers rose and fell as Twilight opened the tome...and with a quill held firmly by her magic, began to write.

"opened the tome... And", space, capital.

Surpirate
Surpirate #10 · Nov 16th, 2015 · · · Starts at Home ·
Reply

Ah. Rarity got so caught up in Canterlot, she neglected her boutique. I understand she's living her dreams, but how did she forget about her home AND her business?

OmniFox
OmniFox #11 · Apr 18th, 2016 · · · Starts at Home ·
Reply

Oh *squee* me.

OmniFox
OmniFox #12 · Apr 18th, 2016 · · · Is Sexy ·
Reply

TAKE COVER!!!!!

OmniFox
OmniFox #13 · Apr 18th, 2016 · · · Is Long Suffering ·
Reply

Why was Sweetie Belle peeking on Big Mac?

Login or register to comment

Stats

Page generated in 0.072 seconds
Total duration
987 users online
2,250,655 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday

• Site Statistics

FIMFiction

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024

• Privacy
• Cookies
• Staff
• Licenses

Follow & Support Us

Support us
SubStar Chat!
Discord Follow us
Twitter

MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®