My day started out fairly normal. I was making pancakes for the color run at the Santa Fe downs, when I suddenly had an odd feeling, like something that wasn't supposed to be there was there. I wondered what it could have been, but then I got back to making pancakes. Much later after the color run, and after the colored dust was rained down on the runners, I had the same feeling, only this time, it was coupled with the feeling of being watch. I started looking around, and then saw someone staring directly at me. The first thing that I noticed was that she was female, and kind of attractive. She was wearing a white tank top, and a green skirt with three butterflies on it. She was slightly familiar, but I couldn't tell from where. When she noticed me staring at her, she started blushing. I started going towards her, and when I did, she started towards me too. When we got to each other, I asked "Where you in the color run?"
"Was that what it was?" she asked.
"Yeah. So were you in the color run?" I asked.
"No, I was not."
"That explains why your clothes aren't stained, but what about your hair? Is that natural?"
"Yes. I was wondering if you could help me with something?"
"Ok. But why me? Is there a specific reason?"
"Probably because of your rainbow colored skin, but other than that, I've kind of got a feeling that you could help me."
"Ok. First of all, this is just dust, not my actual skin color and second of all, what do you need help with?"
"Oh, my bad. Back to the point. Oh, how do I explain this? Where's Twilight when you need her?."
"Twilight? As in Twilight Sparkle?" I asked, needing to satisfy my inner brony.
"Yes, actually. How did you know that?" she said nervously. As she said that, I started making a mental check list. Pink hair, check. Sudden shyness, check. I was talking to Fluttershy.
"Don't worry, Fluttershy, I'm not going to hurt you."
"You know my name to?" she asked, getting noticeable more nervous.
"Yes. Again, I'm not going to hurt you."
"How do you know my name?"
"You exist in a TV show in this world." She stopped moving. I raised my hand to my head and asked my space/time continuum expert personality, Scott Black, "Did I just break the space/time continuum?" He responded, "No, don't worry, you didn't break anything."
"Oh, good." I said.
"Um, what are you doing?"
"I've got Multiple Personality Disorder. Just asking one of them something."
"Ok. Anyway, could you please help me?"
"Sure," I said. "Fortunately, my parents are on a vacation, and my brother is at college."
Pretty good a few errors though i sugest a proof reader
I don't consider myself a reveiwer or anything, but i'm gonna clear some things up and try to get you writing content that is of higher quality (I don't mean to say this is low-quality, especially for a first fan fiction!)
Alright, first-off, in the first few lines: "Where you in the color run?" Where refers to a place as in, 'Where is California?' the word you would want to use is 'Were', which refers to a past-tense action. I don't doubt that this was your intention to write, but the word's miss-spelling means a lot, a single letter is all it takes for an entire paragraph to not be read correctly.
Next, speech referrals. But you may be asking, 'But Kruz, I had speech referrals in the dialogue!' and thus you did, but there needs to be at least one per line. No, that is not a typo, ONE. PER LINE. OF. DIALOGUE. It may be a large fault of my own, but I got terribly lost halfway through the dialogue twice. But do not fret! Dialogue referrals can be fun some times! you can have them in the middle! "It doesn't matter" I dismissed "Now back to the point." They can be at the start! I shifted so I could face this mystery girl. "Ok, first of all, this isn't my real skin color..." And you already know that they can go at the back.
Third, these characters seem like motionless, floating heads that are speaking to each other in monotone voices, especially Fluttershy, since everyone in the fandom knows what she is supposed to be like, how she acts, how she speaks and most importantly, how she sounds in our heads when we read her lines. This is coupled by the fact that she wasn't described as pretty, or gorgeous, or even average (Your story, your rules), her hair color, which I honestly think would be the most definite feature about her, or the clothes she was wearing (My head-canon is that Human Flutters wears a light yellow, hand knitted sweater that is a little too long on her arms with a pair of brown track pants, again, your story, your rules). I can't really give an example of writing what a body type looks like, everyone does it differently, so you will have to find your own writing style.
Alright, here is the big one: Extend!
I can tell you right now that there is a measly 491 words in this chapter, and that isn't very much. Barely enough to write a fifth-grade essay, in fact. So what do you do to increase the word count? Write the thoughts of the characters down, what they are feeling, how they speak, how the dust on their skin makes them feel (HINT!) add pauses, add more dialogue, add more establishment! Simply put, treat it like a rough draft is an essay that needs a few hundred extra words. The first person might be a little difficult for this if you don't really know how to express emotion in writing (Something that I personally have trouble with.)
Bottom line? never publish work right after you finish it! NEVER EVER DO THAT ON YOUR DEATH-BED! give it a night to clear your head, two if need be and re-read it! make corrections, fix things, come into the work with a new mind. Why? because you brain tells itself what you thought you wrote and your eyes don't see the issue, like that 'Where/were' issue above.
Now that thats over, I can give you my ideas on the story itself:
I like the premise, Pony-on-earth has always intrigued me more than Human-in-Equestria ever did and i'm thrilled to see another topic on the matter, especially since the author of the stories that i'm reading on this genre have sadly, moved on. Don't let me dissuade you with my wall of text above, writing is fun, and it can be for everyone who puts effort into their stories, but it is also one of the hardest things to get into, butnkeep pushing, and you might even do this professionally one day.
ONWARDS TO CHAPTER 2!
doctor who reference I think